THE CONSERVATIVE PROGRAMME. "DEPUTATION BELOW, SIR.-WANT TO KNOW THE CONSERVATIVE PROGRAMME." RT. HON. BEN. Dız. "EH?-OH!-AH!-YES!-QUITE SO! TELL THEM, MY GOOD ABERCORN, WITH MY COMPLIMENTS, THAT WE PROPOSE TO RELY ON THE SUBLIME INSTINCTS OF AN ANCIENT PEOPLE!!" [See Speech at Crystal Palace. HAPPY THOUGHTS. E expect my old verbs. To "beef" is with him, to eat much meat. To "banting" is to be generally abstemious. My Aunt answers that she has not as yet adopted any system in particular, but that, on the whole, taking one day with another, she may look upon herself as beefing." 66 66 66 Quite right, too," he observes. Never banting, now. Not tised of his inten- Happy Thought.-Evidently "enervating" and "depressing." 66 My Aunt nods her head, smilingly. I am convinced that she has jerky habit of only a very vague idea of ENGLEMORE'S meaning. I have a glimexpressing him-mering of it. Should like to go. self which he has 66 His first telegram (for example) is Coming morrow you there wire." 66 After a silence, she says, "You'll forgive, MR. ENGLEMORE, my obtusity, but what did you say my nephew could do?" "Do Joey, Ma'am. Funniments. You've seen Punch and JudyPunch with a stick, Joey the Clown round the corner." Happy Thought-When dull, "do Joey."* "You mean, he'll amuse me?" asks my Aunt, evincing considerable intelligence. 66 Quite so. Should like to come, too," he says, considering the matter; "but just now coin is not my name. Your little ENGLEMORE's complaint is tick dollarroo." I see my Aunt's mind is made up. She says, "You can take me over, and leave me with the GLYMPHYNS, who are staying at Aix, and then you can see the German Farms-which is what my nephew is interested in just now, MR. ENGLEMORE " "Ah, yes, capital chap, Mister Pig," he replies promptly, giving his summary of all farming. I tell him that I intend taking up the subject, practically and scientifically, with a view, in fact, to letter F in Typical Develop ments. This means "I intend to come down to Little Shrimpton tomorrow; will you be there? If so send an answer by telegram."; Happy Thought. -In telegraph- 66 Go in for ing Ah, yes," he says, "heaps of coin out of that. Speech is silver." Mister Hothouse. Grapes three guineas a pound; not good enough Write The Englishman's ChickenHe abbreviates and for your little ENGLEMORE. means "Dear Boy." House Guide, or Out of the Pigstye into the Poultry. Mister Cockpays. So does Mister Turnips. Thousands. Happy Thought.-Make thousands out of Mister Turnips. Might (while I think of it) arrange for a small farm before I leave. I suppose farms are to be let furnished; furniture being pigs, cows, cocks and hens, and-and-what else? Odd, I can't think of anything else. The Nurse and my two little Uncles can stay there. Then I'll leave my Aunt at Aix, examine German farming system, return here, and introduce new plans and better systems in farming all over the country. D. B. How ru? a? Met P. yest'dy. Asked him about L s. d. No go. Saw T. Your bus. right. All on meeting. To you this day comes Yours E. There never was a man who was more the Complete-Incomplete Letter-writer than E, I mean, ENGLEMORE. He has, too, a conversational method all his own. He is fond of prefixing "Mr." to anything and everything, and alluding to himself as Your little ENGLEMORE." He is about six feet and has a military bearing. His business, I believe, is that of an accountant (whatever that may be), but he seems to be everybody's adviser, and a general rule exists among his friends" When in doubt consult ENGLEMORE." He arrives. In a white dustcoat, as natty and bright as if he were going to escort a party of Ladies to Ascot or Goodwood. Whatever the time of year, however dull the day, he has always a bright flower in his button-hole; and whatever the weather, and wherever he has come from, his boots are always brilliant, his hat carefully brushed and glossy, and his gloves apparently bran-new and fitting perfectly. Winter is, rather than not, his time of year for white waistcoats. Happy Thought.-One ENGLEMORE doesn't make a summer. My Aunt is much taken with him, and never having met him before, behaves like all ENGLEMORE's friends do, and wishes to consult him about her Rheumatic Neuralgia at once. "Well," says ENGLEMORE, briskly, "I don't care about Mister Rheumatism. The Colonel here "- this is another peculiarity of ENGLEMORE'S; he gives everyone a title of some sort, but chiefly military, when talking of them, or to them. In this instance, by "Colonel" he means me. It's a little puzzling at first, but my Aunt, obtaining the key from me, listens to him with perfect equanimity- "The Colonel here remembers my being bedded by it for ever so long. In came Mister Mustard-plaster and did the trick." adoodle Happy Thought.-Astonish MECHI. Introduce sulphur-baths for cows. Also douche and vapour. Still, the sole object of my farming must not be merely to astonish MECHI. Happy Thought. - Introduce sulphur-baths at the Zoological Gardens. Put the Leopard into one. Advertise, "Can the Leopard change his spots? Yes, by taking sulphur-baths. Admission, 2s. 6d." Arrangements. Leave ENGLEMORE to see about farm in my My Aunt alludes to her friends, the GLYMPHYNS, being there, and MATRIMONIAL MUSIC. WHEN highly fashionable people are married nowadays the organist who assists at their nuptials always plays MENDELSSOHN'S Wedding March. Very pretty for music in the Midsummer Night's Dream; but real marriage, and especially marriage in high life, is a serious matter; indeed a truly awful thing. A wedding march should accordingly be characterised with corresponding solemnity and suppose, therefore, that, now and then at least by way of change, for congruity's sake, when an ill-matched bride and bridegroom have been joined together in holy matrimony, the happy couple and their attendants are played out of Church with the Dead March in Saul. THE KNIGHT OF BELGRAVIE "SAY, Maiden, wilt thou wed with me? "Alas! art thou a soldier, too?" The Maiden softly sighed. "And art thou found in battle's front- Waving a broken sword about, "Then dost thou teach the boor to know "Come tell me then, Sir Knight; if thou Art neither of these two, What sort of men dost thou command, "In truth," the Knight replied, "they are A somewhat motley crew. "Some are hard-handed sons of toil; Some are incipient fops; Some walk about in broadcloth coats, Some come from factories, and some "But in a natty dress of grey Exclaimed th' enraptured Maid. "Platoon and manual I rehearse, As oft before I've done, "Anon, I march them out of town, To sound of fife and drum. They bravely march; and only halt When to a 'pub' they come; And then they hint they'd like some beer, And I provide them some. "That's all, sweet Maiden; for my life Thou 'lt ne'er have cause for fear: "My love, if this indeed be true, I will consent to be thy bride." More Left than Right. M. THIERS would be most happy to govern on Conser vative principles and conserve the Republic. Would Messieurs the Delegates from the Côté Droit "pledge themselves to give to the Government a loyal support free from dynastic predilections ?" The Bourbone "Droitiers" who had waited on the President to press their own Conservative views on him were shut up. The Côté Droit, finding that they had come on a fool's errand, felt themselves in so awkward a position as to make them rather fit to be called a Côté Gauche. 1 A VOICE FROM THE VALLEYS. OUR streams, of old, In England, rolled With clear and crystal waters. What stuff to drink They are, my sons and daughters. This land, we know, Of ours doth flow Not now with milk and honey, That taint our springs; They might be turned to money. Then, brother Clowns, THE RULING PASSION. Fashionable Patroness (to Charity Girl who has been away for a Holiday). "WELL, BETSY JANE, AND WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU WENT TO SEE YOUR FRIENDS!" Betsy Jane. "PLEASE, M'M, I WORE A PANIER!" THE MARRIAGE LICENSING SYSTEM. A THOUGHTFUL Contemporary fears for the prospects of agriculture, seeing that the town is everywhere extending itself into the country. If there is to be no end of this extension, the abolition of the country by the town is only a question of time. We know who made the country, and who made the town; and the works of the latter, and his factories in this country, are an improvement of Beauty, not on but off the face of Creation. People who have yet many years to live have an ugly prospect before them. As the towns increase the country must decrease. Merry England that once was must lose mirth daily, and sink by degrees into dreary England. Nothing can prevent this result but the arrest of our ever-increasing numbers. The population must, if the country is to co-exist with the town, become stationary. Is it not possible, in the interests of the country, to get up an United Kingdom Anti-Matrimonial Alliance ? Were such a League established, it would surely be honoured with the patronage of DR. MANNING. His order have ever shown themselves more zealous for the promotion of celibacy than even of sobriety. If a majority cannot possibly tyrannise over a minority, there can be no tyranny in a Permissive Prohibitory Marriage Law. It could be made to work full as well as a corresponding Liquor Law, by the unsparing infliction of sufficient penalties. Agricultural Societies have been accustomed to award prizes to farm-labourers for, amongst other merits, that of having reared large families of children. This policy might now be reversed, and, with that difference, adopted in the centres of manufacturing industry; the recipients of medals, money, articles of clothing, and the like gratuities, being old bachelors and old maids. But it is to be feared that the manufacturers, if not the farmers too, would object to a limitation of hands that would hardly tend to lower the rate of wages. It may be said that a reform of the Marriage Licensing System is requisite to regulate population, but that would not strike at the root of the evil. The increase and multiplication whereby this island is becoming too small for its inhabitants, are chiefly due to the the most part, marry by banns, and not by licence. To keep them besetting carelessness of the working classes, whose members, for within the bounds necessary for the preservation of all that yet remains of merry England, no measure will be effectual which is not, to the extent of at least a Permissive Prohibitory Law, comnial Alliance? Surely there is no want of people who have not pulsory. What should hinder the formation of an Anti-Matrimoenough to do to mind their own business. HONOUR TO HARVEY. A THE Tercentenary of HARVEY's birth is approaching. HARVEY was born at Folkestone, in 1578. The Folkestone people propose to commemorate his tercentenary by erecting a statue of him. Committee has been formed to carry out this design, which, like almost every other that is good for anything, cannot be accomplished without money. Donations in aid thereof can be made payable to of the Bank of England, Burlington Gardens, London. Should the "Harvey Tercentenary Memorial Fund" at the Western Branch HARVEY have a Statue? We should think so, if he were only the inventor of the sauce which bears his name. That, to be sure, was not the Folkestone HARVEY, who, however, if no Gastronomer, was a great Physician, and at least discovered the Circulation of the Blood. Slumber. How sound and sweet is the sleep which follows a long day's toil!. The Omnibus Conductor, for example, when at last he retires to his well-earned rest, realising the truth of the poet THOMSON'S line, may be said to be : "Content, and careless of to-morrow's fare." |
