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Do your offices, do your offices, Master Fang, and Master Snare; dome, do me, do me your offices. Enter Sir John Falstaff, BARDOLPH, and the
PAGE. Fal. How now! whose mare's dead? what's the matter?
Fang. Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.
Fal. Away, varlets !- Draw, Bardolph, cut me off the villain's head; throw the quean in the channel.
Host. Throw me in the channel?-Murder, murder! ( thou honey-suckle villain! wilt thou kill Heaven's officers, and the king's ?
Fal. Keep them off, Bardolph.
Host. Good people, bring a rescue or two.—Thou wo't, wo't thou? thou wo't, wo't thou? do, do, thou rogue ! do, thou hemp-seed!
Fal. Away, you scullion ! you rampallian! you fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe. Enter the LORD CHIEF Justice, and Two Appa
RITORS. Ch. Just. What's the matter ? keep the peace here, ho!
Host. Good my lord, be good to me, I beseech you. Ch. Just. How now, Sir John? what are you brawl
ing here? Doth this become your place, your time, and busi
ness? You should have been well on your way to York. Stand from him, fellow; wherefore hang'st thou on
him? Host. O my most worshipful lord, an't please your grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.
Ch. Just. For what sum?
Host. It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all, all I have; he hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his.
Ch. Just. How comes this, Sir John? Fie! what man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation ? Are you not ashamed, to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course, to come by her own?
Fal. What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
Host. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself, and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin chamber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire, on Wednesday, in Whitsun week, when the prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor; thou didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me, and make me my lady, thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the butcher's wife, come in then, and call me gossip Quickly? coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us, she had a good dish of prawns; whereby thou didst desire to eat some; whereby I told thee, they were ill for a green wound: And didst thou not, when she was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with such poor people; saying that ere long they should call me madam? And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy book oath; deny it if thou canst.
Fal. My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says, up and down the town, that her eldest son is like you ; she hath been in good case, and, the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. But for these foolish officers, I beseech you, I may have redress against them.
Ch. Just. Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with your manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a confident brow, nor the throng
of words that come with such more than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level consideration : You have, as it appears to me, practis'd upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your uses, both in purse and person.
Host. Yea, in truth, my lord.
Ch. Just. 'Pr’ythee, peace :—Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the villany you have done with her; the one you may do with sterling money, and the ther with current repentance.
Ful. My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply. You call honourable boldness, impudent sauciness : if a man will make courtesy, and say nothing, he is virtuous : No, my lord, my humble duty remembered, I will not be your suitor ; I say to you, I do desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty employment in the king's affairs.
Ch. Just. You speak as having power to do wrong; but answer in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman. Fal. Come hither, hostess. [Taking her aside.
Enter Gower, with Letters.
Fal. As I am a gentleman,
Fal. As I am a gentleman ;-Conne, no more words of it,
Host. By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to pawn both my plate, and the tapestry of my dining chambers.
Fal. Glasses, glasses is the only drinking: and for thy walls,—a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the prodigal, in water work, is worth a thousand of these bed hangings, and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thou canst. Come, if it were not for thy humours, there is not a better wench in England, Go, wash thy face, and 'draw thy action : Come, thou must not be in this humour with me; dost not know me? Come, come, I know thou wast set on to
Host, 'Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles ; I am loath to pawn my plate, in good earnest, la.
Fal. Let it alone; I'll make other shift: you'll be a fool still.
Host. Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown. I hope you'll come to supper: You'll pay me all together?
Fal. Will I live ?--Go, with her, with her; hook on, hook on.
Host. Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper? Fal. No more words ; let's have her. [Exeunt Hostess, BARDOLPH, FANG, SNARE,
Fal. I hope, my lord, all's well. What's the news, my lord?
Ch. Just. Come all his forces back ?
Fal. Comes the king back from Wales, my noble lord ?
Ch. Just. You shall have letters of me presently: Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.
Fal. My lord,
Fal. Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner?
Gow. I must wait upon my good lord here: I thank you, good Sir John.
Ch. Just. Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you are to take soldiers up in counties as you go.
Fal. Will you sup with me, Master Gower?
Ch. Just. What foolish master taught you these manners, Sir John?
Fal. Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool that taught them me. - This is the right fencing grace, my lord ; tap for tap, and so part fair.
Ch. Just. Now, the Lord lighten thee! thou art a great fool.
[Exeunt the Chief Justice, Gower, Two
APPARITORS, and FALSTAFF.
ACT THE SECOND.
An Apartment of the Prince of Wales's, in London.
Enter Henry, PRINCE OF Wales, and Poins. P. Hen. Trust, me, I am exceeding weary.
Poins. Is it come to that? I had thought, weari. ness durst not have attached one of so high blood.
P. Hen. 'Faith, it does me; though it discolours