THE Madras Times complains that any sort of native of India can make his way, here, into society which he would not dare to approach with his shoes on, in his native country. We are like mackerel, we are caught by any bit of coloured rag and tinsel. Our Madras contemporary suggests that all natives going to England should be obliged to register themselves, so that their status might be comprehended here. At present, Indian shopkeepers, it is alleged, are received, in blind faith, by gushing Duchesses and cosmopolitan Countesses. But, after all, what harm is done? A lady adds the coloured person to her party just as she adds any other novelty that can amuse her guests and incense her rivals, and if RAM SING JUGGERNAUT PUTTALLEE NAUTCH comes in his pretty dress, and makes a feature in the group, he has earned his supper, and the party has seen a real live "heathen." The facts that the poor Indian may have an untutored mind, and have drowned his aged grandmother in the Ganges, do not seem to the purpose. It is more so, if he verifies the eternal telegram from India," shirtings unchanged," but this point is not raised. Please, Madras Times, do not help to make our parties stupider; you would not if you knew how dull they are, with Indians, dowagers, and all.

WANTED: A BISHOP.-A number of Clergymen of High Church principles contemplate, in a certain eventuality, Secession from the Establishment. In order, of themselves, to constitute a True Church, and subsist as such, they require an Episcopate. If any validly ordained Bishop in Christendom will undertake to supply their want of a Spiritual Head in his own person, they will make it worth his while, so long as he governs them in accordance with their own ideas. A retired Colonial would find this a good opportunity. No objection to a member of the Abyssinian Episcopacy. For further particulars wait; or apply to the REV. E. B. P., or ARCHDEACON D., 85, Fleet Street.

"Gus did it." Did what? Shot, from jealousy, first his sweetheart, and then himself, dangerously if not mortally wounding both. The reporter who chronicles this attempt at murder and suicide, in paragraph of several lines (at a penny a-piece ?), calls it "another ragic occurrence"-an actual murder having been lately committed in the same neighbourhood. He mentions that, after Gus and his victim had been removed in a cab to St. Bartholomew's Hospital, till "thousands of persons surrounded the house" that had been the scene of the occurrence which he calls tragic. Fancy, Gus; a Tragedy in One Act. You can, perhaps; and you can fancy specators of its performance; of such quality as the audience of the ragedy in A Midsummer Night's Dream. But can you, Reader of Punch, fancy yourself one of the "thousands of persons" abovementioned who "surrounded the house"? Can you enter into their eelings, and think, for a moment, their thoughts? No; the myseries of the Popular Heart are too profound for even you. The ouse which thousands of your Kind surrounded, when the tragic ccurrence which had taken place inside it was over, stands in Hoxton. Hoxton must send a very large contingent to Earlswood.

WAGES AND WIVES.

SERVE THEM RIGHT.

IN a leader on the Strikes impending or threatened, and especially on the Bakers' Strike, the Post makes some remarks appropriate to the breakfast-tables on which it lies in proximity to muffins and hot rolls:

"The sympathies of the Public were entirely with the men in respect of the inordinate amount of labour which they were required to perform. But in jumping from the extreme of quiescence under acknowledged hardship to that of uncompromising dictation, they have forfeited those sympathies, and should the people of London be put to serious inconvenience by the strike, they will not forget to whom they owe that inconvenience, and they will witness the sufferings of the men on strike with indifference."

No; not with indifference. Now that Combination Laws no longer exist to punish even the most unreasonable of strikes, the sufferings of the men on strike are the only protection against Trades Unions the Public have. If the Journeymen Bakers, without just cause, deliberately determine to deprive the public of bread, it is with quite another feeling than indifference that the Public will see them, through their own act, served with their own sauce; namely, nothing to eat with nothing. Complacency is rather the feeling with which we see those who have annoyed us rightly served.

Sweet Innocent!

THERE was a Young Lady of Tenby,
Who wrote to her confidante, "N.B.
I don't want to wed,

No such thought's in my head;
But where can the eyes of the men be ?"

Ultramontane Protestants.

Br intelligence from a Continental Capital where the Government has asserted its supremacy over Ecclesiastics, we are informed that:

"A numerously attended meeting of Ultramontane Catholics has been held here, who protest against the decisions of the authorities in the name of religious liberty."

The same name is invoked by the same party amongst ourselves whenever their leaders encounter any opposition in their attempts to override the law. The Dangerous Classes, perhaps, will next protest against flogging

THE TOURISTS' REMEMBRANCER.

(For this Year only.)

The Tour continued.-Don't omit the Isles of Greece. As the proverb says, "Greece is Greece, be it never so Greasy;" and you can't possibly meet with a more slippery lot than those inhabiting the Isles of Greece. The names of the Isles are Lamp Ile, Pollux Ile, Caster Ile, Paraffin Ile, and Colzas Ile. You can lay out a pot of money in pictures, as the insular artists all paint in Isles. Greece, mind, is not much of a place for sport, so don't be disappointed if, at the very hottest season of the year, Greece isn't Melton. Notice the curious customs of the people, especially when Greek meets Greek. As the poet has justly said,

When Greek meets Greek, They bow and speak.

Of course you'll call on the Greek statue, if only as a mere form. Notice, too, the Albanian costume. This was what used to be worn by everyone who lived in the Albany; a custom and a costume that have, we regret to say, been utterly dropped.

You will notice a strong family resemblance between Albanians, Fair Circassians, and unfair Greeks; but don't confuse them, or the affairs of Greece will get into another muddle; and if they're in a difficulty while you're on the spot, they might insist upon your becoming king. No doubt you'd be a very becoming king, only you'd get nothing for it, except to be shot, like rubbish, whenever they should be tired of you.

Now we've no mere time to loiter here, as the Vacation is gradually drawing to a close, and we haven't yet visited

CAUSE AND EFFECT.-Enforce the Licensing Act, and read the Riot Act.

Algeria.-To the Tourist-joker, merely to come here for twentyfour hours, will be worth his while, if he can find anyone to whom he can say, and who will enjoy his saying it, that "he only went for one Dey to Algiers." He must take care on whom he lets off this witticism, as, on account of its antiquity, it is a dangerous jest, and even the Algerine Pirates won't take it. The man who last made it, hadn't uttered it two seconds, before he was forced to run for his life. Had he been killed, England could not, in conscience, have looked for redress at the hands of a justly irritated Government.

If you go any farther East, Go to Jericho; but at this point you had better do what the beer does in very hot weather, viz., turn. Having turned, do the Simplon.

The Simplon.-You will commence with Martigny, then go on to Tourtemagne and Visp. Stop at the latter place in order to see, at the Hotel, the celebrated Ostler, who used to attend to all the horses of the Old Diligences, endeared to everyone as VILLIAM or VILL OF THE VISP. Visp is a mysterious place. The inhabitants, the Vispers, are all people of a very low tone. The Visper Bell calls the people to their evening devotions, and warns the traveller that it is time for him either to be going to bed or continuing his journey; and at

Brieg he will commence the ascent of the Simplon. The first object of interest is the Hospice, i. e., a monastery, which, if not actually founded by a Cardinal, is at all events built on an eminence. If you get tired of your hat and coat during the journey, you can always hang them up somewhere in the passage of the Simplon.

This will do for the present. In two weeks' time at the most you'll have to come back again. Packets of letters including circulars and bills are waiting for you in Chambers.

HAPPY THOUGHTS.

OMFORTABLY housed in Hotel.

"No Bonsers here," says my Aunt, who has not yet entirely recovered her serenity. "I thought they were in those lodgings when I first looked at the lobster in the bed."

Happy Thought.-Remember the game of words played with ivory letters. Bolster" and "Lobster" composed of the same letters. New phase of Dixon's Johnsonary. Happy Thought.-What is the difference between a bolster and a lobster ? One you can sleep on, the other you can't. Put this down as a brusque saying

of ABERNETHY'S.

Happy Thought.-The beauty of going to a wellordered hotel like MADAME DREMEL'S Grande Monarque, is, that everybody appears to have expected you for the last month, and to have got everything ready for you whatever it was. Within an hour, we are installed, with a reasonable" arrangement," and with ten times the comfort of Lodgings. My Aunt wishes me to show her all the town before I leave. [Mem. By the way, mustn't forget that my object, while here, is to see a German Farm.] Having told my Aunt that I remember my way about the place perfectly, and the names of all the principal streets and churches, I rehearse by myself, and find that somehow most of it appears new to me. Odd.

(On analysis of motives for this proceeding, I fancy I detect obstiHappy Thought.-Buy a Guide Book, in French, for practice. nacy and false pride. Being in Germany, why study French? why insist on speaking French? When in France, though, one can come out with a few words of German, and apologise for badness of French accent. By the way, dangerous just now to speak French in Germany, or German in France. Might be arrested.)

Happy Thought.-When one wants to be understood in a foreign land speak English. When in the presence of natives adopt the language of the country for secrets.

My Aunt at once picks out a page in the Guide Book, prefacing her showing it to me with the remark, "How odd that I should just have fit my punger on this particular place. Look!" I take the book and read as follows: "La Ville d'Aix-la-Chapelle est une des plus animées de la province rhénane." That," she observes, "must mean Bonsers, for I don't see much animation about." I continue: "La plupart des rues sont larges et bien bâties

66

"Ah!" she interrupts, "they daren't say anything about what they are pleased to call the pavement. Why I'm sootfoore already, and a boot of pairs won't last three days, I'm certain. Go on." I proceed: "Les Entomologues sont étonnés de l'immense variété

d'insectes."

"Ah! I should think so, indeed," says my Aunt, with a sniff of indignation, "That ontolomogue evidently had a lodging, and was étonné'd by Bonsers. Yes, that's all I wanted you to notice, except that they call one of their favourite places near here the Lousberg. Ugh! Disgusting! But then," she adds, with an air of resignation, "I sulphose the suppur has something to do with it, and as I've come for rheumatism I must take what I can get, and be rid of it as pock as quissible.'

The objection to the Guide des Etrangers which I have purchased, is, apart from its being of very little use at the present day, having been written more than fourteen years ago, that it is the work of one DR. JOSEPH MÜLLER, evidently the German for JOE MILLER. Happy Thought. JOE MILLER'S Guide Books. All information

"ENGLEMORE."

I gather from this, on reading it carefully over two or three times, that ENGLEMORE's still furnishing his house, that he's been to Shropshire to see a farm for me, that circumstances (cires.) prevent his joining us here, that somebody whose initial is B took a char with ENGLEMORE at his rooms in Duke Street, and that, finally, be is not particularly well, in consequence of having partaken too freely of certain fancy dishes. Also that if I purchase a sideboard here for him he will send me Ready Money Down (R. M. D.). Mas write and ask further particulars about Colonel Farm.

Another letter, forwarded under cover. Directed to me with name mispelled. Hate my name mispelled. No Tradesman ought to be paid who mispells one's name. Direction looking as if it had been written with a thin skewer dipped in thick ink, under the guidare of a person with a wandering eye. From external evidences, a b Like the name of SMITH, I've heard of such things before. Sh

open it, or not? Very foolish of the servant (in charge of th house and the Uncles) to send such a thing as this on to me.

If I don't open it, I can always say "I haven't seen it," and reply to stern application) "it must have come while I was abroad" Happy Thought.-" Under circs.," remain abroad. Decide upon opening it.

66

SIR-Will you Oblidge me on Wensday morning nez r A check for Bill delvd. £15 3s. 64d. I will Call on you and Ob "yr. Repflly "THOMAS CASKIR'

CASKER's neighbourhood. How surprised he has been by this ti Happy Thought.-I am several hundred miles away f when he called and "oblidged "I Dare say he didn't believe the servant who told him I wasn't at home. Can fancy what Can' face would be (I don't know CASKER by sight) when, in his further inquiry as to when I should be at home, the ser him, "Don't know, p'r'aps not for Months."

Poor CASKER. He'd be quite sorry he called and was obliged valuable hint. "I shall," she says, "read nothing but to do without his "check for Bill delvd." The use of the French Guide has evidently struck my while I am here. I must take up French History from the FORTY THE LOUEENTH. I wish you'd ask them if they take Beldépendance Inge, and I'll have it every morning." MILBURD seizes this opportunity to address the waiter th voulez-vous bringen sie it here bitter?" Kellner, quand vous pouvez come across the Indépendance Be

66

The Kellner replies, very distinctly, "Yes, Sir," and exit. Sa sequently he returns with the journal in question.

sulphur bath, or not-this hesitation being apparently part of MILBURD having retired to consider whether he shall take own treatment of himself-I am writing letters, and my Aut becoming deeply interested in her French study. "Good gricious!" she exclaims, presently, "Well, I thought he'd have be

a man of more sense.'

"Whom do you mean?"

what she has not been saying, she replies, In a tone implying that she is annoyed at my being inattentive The WIMPEROR E LIAM.". Then she continues, "Would anyone imagine that he c be a spiritualist!"

What makes her think so? I ask.

66

Nouvelles d'Allemagne."
Why," she says, emphatically, "it's in the paper among thi,

She hands me the Indépendance, and I read, "Il y aura une gra soirée. On croit que L'Empereur y fera une apparition.", going to be a soirée, which, I suppose, is the same as a s "There!" she exclaims, triumphantly, "Apparition!' Ther where they sit round the table, and then the Apparor is to make Empersition appear."

I point out, delicately, her mistake.

she will pretend that the mistake was mine. On some points "Well," she says, dubiously, "you may be right." In a few day And Aunt is a little trying. I resume my correspondence. Present any religion at all." adds, with a complacent air, "I'm very glad to hear of their having

Who? The Germans ?" I inquire.

66 No," "she replies" at least I mean the Germans on the stare the performers who dance-dear me !"-(she is at a loss for a with but finds it unexpectedly)" I mean girly bals, of course." want to know. That is, I don't want to know, as I really but How have the German ballet-girls been distinguishing themselves prefer being allowed to continue my letter-writing in peace; but ti

I