SIMPLE NOTES ON ENGLAND.
By X, a distinguished and intelligent Frenchman.

66

THE other day, when the Domes-
tics of Dundee met to grumble
and in order to arrange a
strike," they were unable to
obtain a Chairwoman to preside
over their assembly. This
shows clearly that the wife of
a Chairman is by her position
aristocratie.

can.

The British Lion is not an animal living at this hour. The bones of a hyena were found in a cave in Devonshire. Hyenas laugh. They lived when this island evidently was Merry England.

The legal processes in England are very simple, when well understood. So carnivorous are the English people, that, to become a barrister (avocat), one must eat so many dinners at the inns-of-court. This is wholly true. The public is admitted to a gallery to see them at their feeding-time. What barbarism!

The LORD CHANCELLOR, who is the highest legal official, sits always on a wool-pack (ballot de laine). This, my friend WAGG tells me, is a sort of satire, which means that a Lawyer is supported by those who have lost their fleece. [But one must have stayed as long as I in England to comprehend this play on the words, fleece, fleas, and wool.]

The English soldiers cannot play the drum as the French Their military movements are executed to the sound of the trumpet, which they can blow strongly. Thus the British England boasts herself to be a Free Country. But my friend lungs do more than the British WAGG tells me that, in effect, no person can have an opinion unless arms to make a noise in the he pay, at least, six shillings and eightpence for it. We have our world. They play fifes, and faults, we French, but our thoughts, our opinions, are free as the they tell me that the chief air! For them we pay no octroi, no tax, no eight francs. fifer is, ex officio, a Scotch Nobleman. Our Tambourmajor is a man tall and magnificent; but here, the

Chief of the Whistlers is the Thane of Fife.

They reward whistling, because the English are a nation which whistles. My friend WAGG tells me that, from this habit, has been derived their proverb "Whistlers (siffleurs) never hear good of themselves." He has not explained to me the precise application.

Where a Frenchman exclaims Mon Dieu! the Englishman says The Deuce! In effect, it would be unfair to decide what might be the religious faith of either from such expressions. But, however, it seems to me that that of the former is less sombre than that of the latter.

The official, the most important in England, after the QUEEN, is The Chairman. He presides at all public dinners, at all public meetings. WAGG tells me that he has no regular pension, but that he receives a fee, for every dinner, sufficient to pay for his breakfast and luncheon the following day. His wife, who is generally neither of the upper nor of the middle class, is called a Chairwoman. She is employed by many noble families, and often resides in their houses, particularly during their absence in the country, or at the sea-side. In former days they were a class, and lived separated from the metropolis at a little village, called in consequence Chairing. Here now stand the Railway Station and the Chairing Cross. Their special Home is destroyed, but the Office remains, grander than

ever.

The Barristers hold military rank. Some are Sergeants. The Chief of the Solicitors is called the Solicitor General, and has a horse. I know this because I have seen him riding. The Chief of the Attorneys is called the Attorney General. The difference between a Solicitor and an Attorney, my friend WAGG says, is the same as between a crocodile and an alligator.

Many of the Cabmen (voituriers) are very poor curates (vicaires), who thus gain money to support their wives and families. Such is one of the evils of a married clergy. In the provinces, where there is not this resource, celibacy, though rare, is almost a necessity. A young clergyman is, generally, the object of a flirtation, more or less serious; and, outside the Sunday, his duties are not heavy, unless he is able to play Croquet. In this case, for two-thirds of the year the young minister has very little time to himself.

In some towns, in the country, there is only one policeman. I have known this in Cornwall, which nearly resembles our Brittany. Often only one constable to three thousand persons, who subscribe among themselves, by a rate, to support him. It is evident, that, as he owes his existence to these three thousand persons, he cannot arrest any one of them at the command of any other of them. Thus he finds himself in a delicate position. His policy, naturally, becomes one of abstaining. His patrons, who appreciate his difficulty, refrain from offending against the Law. Thus, in effect, the peace is preserved in the quiet small towns of Merry England. This is a fact. My friend WAGG took me to the town of and indicated to me the policeman. I chatted with him, and gave him a glass of Gin.]

Cricket is a game of ball, played always in a field, whence the name Cricket (grillon), which insect is in the plain air during all the summer, and in the kitchens in the winter. The book the most celebrated, on this subject, is, my friend WAGG tells me, The Cricket on the Earth. I have not read it myself, because I believe it is simply technical.

The best system, in order to acquire a knowledge of the game of Cricket, is to practise it as an athlete of Old Greece. When the ball, thick, hard, and heavy, is launched at you, with enormous force, from the bat of the player, you must run with all your legs; you must save yourself, if it is possible, or it will upset you, sometimes striking you upon the nose, sometimes between, or in, the eyes, sometimes falling on the top of the cranium, when you the least in the world expect it. A nose or an eye may thus easily be damaged. The arms, the legs, and the body are protected strongly, but for me, I shall never again play at Cricket. Never.

THE Dean of Westminster was one of the horses prophesied to win the Newmarket Two-Year-Old Plate. Dr. Temple ran third for the Great Northern Handicap at York. Evidence such as this of the popularity of the Church in a quarter not hitherto considered to be one of its strongholds, would, we are sure, cheer the heart and strengthen the resolution of Convocation, if it were now sitting; and it is hardly possible to imagine the gratification of eminent Deans and Bishops at seeing their names and titles conferred on promising colts and three-year-olds. But the Turf should be impartial, and not limit its favours to one Church or one party. DR. PUSEY may reasonably feel aggrieved at being overlooked, DR. CUMMING and MR. SPURGEON have both strong claims to public recognition, and The Monsignor is a name which would sound well in the betting quotations.

We throw out these few hints for the benefit of those owners and breeders who are looking out for suitable names for their horses, just adding that we do not advise Ritualist-it is open to suspicion.

No. 175. A P-jacket. "Oh Pilot, 'tis a fearful night!" No. 203. The Three Sisters. Three parasols, belonging, perhaps, victuallers, waiters, ostlers, to MR. MILLAIS three uncivil young ladies, who, though they're jockeys, postilions, wan-visited by everybody, won't leave their cards. dering musicians, the No. 214. A Habit of Long Standing. An Ulster Coat, evidently "Mauritanian Minstrels," the property of a gentleman about six feet three. the "Altitudinous Acrobats," railway companies, Hansom cabmen, and proprietors of Grand Stands, are anticipating their gains and profits. Foreign visitors are anticipating the national and traditional glories of the Derby Day.

THE BISHOP OF MANCHESTER AND "PUNCH."

HAVING entertained no kind of doubt that the BISHOP OF MANCHESTER had been mis-reported in the newspaper which attributed to his Lordship the remarks we quoted last week, we should simply acknowledge the promptness with which the Bishop was good enough to correct the reporter, but for the pleasure with which we received a communication from his Lordship. From this, although we have permission to publish it in extenso, it will suffice to extract a portion. The Bishop writes:

"What I meant to say, and what I believe I did say, was this. The light literature on our drawing-room tables, the engravings in our illustrated papers, even the cartoons of Punch, indicate that the tone of fashionable society, if not actually impure, is perilously close to the border-land of impurity." Nobody who knows the way in which your artists hold the mirror up to Nature," and illustrate the foibles of the age, would charge them with ministering to impurity; indeed, I have often admired the skill or the right feeling with which they have touched on delicate ground; but I was thinking of the general tone of that fast, fashionable life which those pictures illustrate, and whose follies they often so admirably expose. I deeply regret that I should have been mis-reported."

No. 3567. Somebody's Good Umbrella. Name unknown. 201. One Waterproof. Much needed by MR. POYNTER'S Andromeda after she has been taken from " The Monster," in order that she may go home with Perseus, the Conductor.

505. A Hamper, three large Brown Paper Parcels, a Bag, and an Umbrella; also a Basket containing Fish for Dinner.

"The famished husband makes a frightful fuss, if
The Dinner's unprovided by his housewife."

It is due to the BISHOP OF MANCHESTER to add that the letter 2. The spectacle of MR. JONES, at ten o'clock, P.M., returning to from which the above passage is taken, was written before he saw his front door in a battered hat, with dolls stuck round it, and our reference to the subject, and was called forth by some comment looking quite a picture of won't-go-home-till-morning-ness.

Miss Penelope Prygge (for Self and Sisters). "WE-ER-DO NOT CARE FOR ITALIAN MUSIC-ONLY GERMAN!"
Colonel Debonair. "BUT STILL-WITH SUCH A LOVELY VOICE AS COUNT TSCHOKOLATOFFSKY'S-
Miss Penelope Prygge. "WE-ER-DO NOT LISTEN TO VOCAL MUSIC-ONLY INSTRUMENTAL !"

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-JUNE 1, 1872.