stood patiently before them, their mirth appeared to increase. Indeed, poor G, the senior major, one of the gravest men in Europe, laughed till the tears ran down his cheeks; and such was the effect upon me that I was induced to laugh too-as men will sometimes, from the infectious nature of that strange emotion-but no sooner did I do this than their fun knew no bounds, and some almost screamed aloud in the excess of their merriment. Just at this moment the colonel, who had been examining some of the men, approached our group, advancing with an air of evident displeasure, as the shouts of loud laughter continued. As he came up I turned hastily round, and, touching my cap, wished him good morning. Never shall I forget the look he gave me. If a glance could have annihilated any man, his would have finished me. For a moment his face became purple with rage, his eye was almost hid beneath his bent brow, and he absolutely shook with passion. 66 Go, sir," said he at length, as soon as he was able to find utterance for his words-"go, sir, to your quarters, and before you leave them a courtmartial shall decide if such continued insult to your commanding officer warrants your name being in the Army List." "What can all this mean ?" I said in a half whisper, turning to the others. But there they stood, their handkerchiefs to their mouths, and evidently choking with suppressed laughter. "May I beg, Colonel Carden," said I"To your quarters, sir," roared the little man in the voice of a lion. And, with a haughty wave of his hand, prevented all further attempt on my part to seek explanation. 66 They're all mad, every man of them," I muttered, as I betook myself slowly back to my rooms, amid the same evidences of mirth my first appearance had excited-which even the colonel's pre GOOD 46 sence, feared as he was, could not entirely subdue. With the air of a martyr I trod heavily up the stairs, and entered my quarters, meditating within myself awful schemes for vengeance on the now open tyranny of my colonel, upon whom I too, in my honest rectitude of heart, vowed to have a court-martial." I threw myself upon a chair, and endeavoured to recollect what circumstance of the past evening could have possibly suggested all the mirth in which both officers and men seemed to participate equally; but nothing could I remember capable of solving the mystery. Surely the cruel wrongs of the manly Othello were no laughter. moving subject. I rang the bell hastily for my servant. The door opened. "Stubbes," said I, "are you aware I had only got so far in my question when my servant, one of the most discreet of men, put on a broad grin, and turned away towards the door to hide his face. "What does this mean?" said I, stamping with passion; "he is as bad as the rest. Stubbes "-and this I spoke with the most grave and severe tone-"what is the meaning of this insolence?" 66 Oh, sir," said the man, "oh, sir, surely you did not appear on parade with that face?" And then he burst into a fit of the most uncontrollable laughter. Like lightning a horrid doubt shot across my mind. I sprang over to the dressing-glass, which had been replaced, and oh! horror of horrors! there I stood, as black as the King of Ashantee. The cursed dye which I had put on for Othello I had never washed off; and there, with a huge bearskin shako and a pair of dark bushy whiskers, shone my huge black and polished visage, glowering at itself in the looking-glass. SHOOTING. can THE following dialogue on "sharp-shooting" took place between a Varginee and a Yankee picket :I say, can you fellows shoot?" "Wall, I reckon we can, some." "Down in Mississip we knock a bumble-bee off a thistle-blow at three hundred yards." "Oh, that ain't nothin' tew the way we shewt up in Varmount. I belonged to a military company there, with a hundred men in the company, and we went out for practice every week. The cap'n draws us up in single file, and sets a cider-barrel rolling down-hill, and each man takes his shot at the bung-hole as it turns up. It is afterwards examined, and if there is a shot that didn't go into the bung-hole, the member who missed it is expelled. I belonged to the company ten years, and there ain't been nobody expelled yet." WOMEN AND OH, it's beautiful play, that; you may talk of play. in' a salmon arter he is hook'd, and the sport of seein' him jump clean out of the water in his struggles, a-racin' off and being snubbed again, and reeled up, till he is almost bagged, when dash, splash, he makes another spring for it, and away he goes as hard as he can lick, and out runs the line, whir-r-r! and then another hour's play afore he gives in. Well, it's grand, there's no doubt. It's very excitin'; but what is that sport to seein' a woman play her husband? The wife, too, is just such another little gaudy-lookin' fly as that with which the salmon was fool enough to be hooked, and got up just as nateral. Oh, how I have SALMON. watched one of 'em afore now at that game! Don't she enjoy it, the little dear! smilin' all the time like an angel, most bewitchin' sweet; bright little eyes, sparklin' like diamonds, and her teeth lookin' so white, and her face so composed, and not a breath to heave her beautiful bosom or swell her allerbaster neck, but quiet and as gentle throughout as one of the Graces; and her words so sweet, all honey, and usin' such endearin' names, too, you'd think she was courtin' a'most. But the honey makes the words stick, and the fond names cover a sting, and some phrases that are so kind have a hidden meanin' that makes poor hubby jump right on end.-Sam Slick. AMERICAN HUMOUR. ATLANTIC MAIL. A YANKEE editor remarked, in a polemical article, that though he would not call his opponent a liar, he must say that if the gentleman had intended to state what was utterly false, he had been remarkably successful in his attempt. A CALIFORNIAN writes that they have fire-flies so large in that interesting State, that they use them to cook by. They set the kettles on their hinder legs, which are bent for the purpose like pot-hooks. "Do you think I shall have justice done me?" said a culprit to his counsel, a shrewd Kentucky lawyer of the best class in that eloquent State.' "I am a little afraid that you won't," replied the other; "I see two men on the jury who are opposed to hanging." "DEFEAT this bill," said a Yankee orator, "and a standing army, like a bird of prey, will swoop down and gnaw at the vitals of the Republic. Pass it, and a million of men from the north, south, east, and west; from hill and dale; from your crowded cities and mountain fastnesses, at the first bugle-blast of war, will rally to your flag; and, like the heroic sons of the Spartan mother, will return it blazoned all over with victory, or be encircled in its folds as their winding-sheet." We have heard of " the waters of the Mississippi being emptied into the Vatican," as the grandest figure of American speech; but this million of men encircled in the winding-sheet of stars and stripes is certainly grander. Ar a late trial, somewhere in Texas, the defendant, who was not familiar with the multitude of words which the law employs to make a very trifling charge, after listening awhile to the reading of the indictment, jumped up and said, "Them 'ere allegations is false, and that 'ere allegator knows it." ONE of the States passed an Act that no dog should go at large without a muzzle, and a man was brought up for infringing the statute. In defence, he alleged that his dog had a muzzle. 211 "Oh," said the "How is that?" quoth the justice. A FELLOW coming from the top of the Alleghanies to New York, in winter, was asked whether it was as cold there as in the city. He had probably been at some march of intellect school, for he glanced at a thermometer. "Horribly cold," said he, "for they have no thermometers there, and, of course, it gets just as cold as it pleases." 66 A "NOTION SELLER" was offering a Yankee clock, finely varnished and coloured, and with a lookingglass in front, to a certain lady not remarkable for personal beauty. "Why, it is beautiful," said the vendor. "Beautiful, indeed! a look at it almost frightened me," said the lady. "Then, marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better take one that ain't got no looking-glass." It is not improbable that the following, from the letter of an American, is entirely authentic:in historical interest, and it is here that the Pope "At sunset we reached Gaeta. This place abounds found refuge when he fled from the Republic of 1849. Among the legends of the place is one to the effect that he and the King of Naples, who had come to visit him in his exile, went on board an American vessel. The commander welcomed them d'ye do? Here, Lieutenant Jones, you speak in these terms: 'Pope, how are you? King, how French; parley vous with Pope, while King and I go down and take a drink. King, come on.' natur. It sticks in folks' crop to be soeing corn AMERICAN HUMOUR. THE most obvious characteristic of American | humour is its power of "pitching it strong," and drawing the long bow. It is the humour of exaggeration. This consists of fattening up a joke until it is rotund and rubicund, unctuous and irresistible as Falstaff himself, who was created by Shakespeare, and fed fat, so as to become for all time the very impersonation of humour in a state of corpulence. That place in the geography of the United States called "Down East" has been most prolific in the monstrosities of mirth. Only there would a tree'd coon have cried to the marksman with his gun pointed, "Don't fire, colonel! I'll come down." Only in that region do they travel at such speed that the iron rails get nough to serve the carriages with heat instead of hot-water bottles; and sometimes so hot that on "DOGGEREL." BY MARK TWAIN. A FEW months ago S. and myself had occasion to make a trip up the Missouri. While waiting at Sioux City for a boat we saw some of those white Esquimaux dogs, and S. became possessed of the idea that it was necessary for his happiness that he should have one of the breed; so we hunted up the proprietor and opened negotiations. We found that he had none to spare at the time, but that he expected some puppies would be born to the world in a month or six weeks. That suited S. well enough, as he expected to return to Sioux City in about three months, and a bargain was struck. Well, we came back; but S. had by that time got out of conceit of the dog, and did not want him. I insisted on his sticking to the bargain, and succeeded in getting him and the proprietor of the dogs together. "Mr. W.," said I, "when we were here some three months ago, Why, how is that? You remember you promised to save one." "Well, mine vriend, I'll tell how it vas" (confidentially, and drawing close). "Now, you see, de puppy dog he live in de shtable mit de horse, and" (very pathetically) "de horse he got step-ped on to de do-ag, and de do-ag he got di-ed." And thus it was that S. did not get his puppy; but I made him engage another. While up the river I heard the following story, showing how an animal can rise, when necessary, superior to its nature: "You see," said the narrator, "the beaver took to the water, and the dog was after him. First the beaver was ahead, and then the dog. It was tuck and nip whether the dog would catch the beaver, and nuck and tip whether the beaver would catch the dog. Finally the beaver got across the river, and the dog had almost you promised to save for us an Esquimaux puppy. | caught him when, phit! the beaver skun up a tree." Were any born ? " 66 Oh, yaw; de puppies vas born." "Well, have you got one for us?" "Nein. I don't got any," 66 'But," ," said a bystander, "beavers can't climb trees." "A beaver can't climb a tree? Snakes! he had to climb a tree, the dog was a crowdin' him so!" GARRICK AND A STORY is narrated of Garrick, when acting the mad scene in the tragedy of Lear. In the days of Garrick wigs were worn by everybody, and a portly butcher, owning one of those hirsute appendages, and a very large mastiff, had managed to squeeze into the theatre with both, and to get a front seat in the pit, close to the box at the side of the orchestra; the theatre was crammed to the ceiling, and the weather intensely warm, and the butcher was inconvenienced sadly by his wig, of which he relieved his head, but was for some time puzzled as to its further disposition. He, however, caught sight of Dog Tray, crouched close to the wall, and looking at the master with savage benignity, whereupon up went the wig on the dog's head, who took it as kindly as if he had been a newly-called barrister. While, however, the whole house was transfixed with the sublimity of Garrick's impersonation of the maniac king addressing imaginary beings, amid storm and darkness, on a wide and desolate heath, Tray suddenly rose on his legs, and unseen by his master, put his fore paws on the orchestra rail, and from beneath his wig surveyed Garrick with the utmost gravity. Garrick, as he caught the dog's eye, had just come THE DOG. to the passage, "I'll talk a word with this same learned Theban. What is your study?" He managed to utter the sentence with due gravity, but found it impossible to maintain it, and fascinated by the dog's steady gaze, burst into a fit of laughter of the most uproarious character. The audience took this as a new reading, and the house rang with applause. The actors on the stage surveyed Garrick and each other with amazement, which was heightened by the prolongation of the peals of laughter and delirious pointing of the fingers towards the pit. At length they perceived the cause of the interruption, and all the performers joined in the laughter, and in pointing to the butcher, who sat with the utmost gravity, believing the whole of the pantomime to be part of the regular performance. After a time the whole house, except the butcher, became aware of the matter; and a gentleman in the orchestra box, by way of putting an end to it, seized the wig and threw it among the musicians, Tray bounding after it, and sending the musicians flying in all directions. To go on with the scene was out of the question, and the dropping of the curtain became absolutely necessary to the restoration of order. |
