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pockets of the ignorant and confiding? If we can save but seven shillings to one "Lady's Maid," it will be at least an act of charity.

What species of animal is employed in this genus of manufacture, it would be hard to conjecture; but it is probably some wretched being of that class which caters for the Arrivals and Departures of the Fashionable World. This is evidently the nearest approximation which the manufacturer has ever made, either to a lady or lady's maid. That he is utterly ignorant of that class of society in which this peculiar servant is required, is most evident; as he is completely so of the duties or feelings of this very respectable class of females. To say that he is ignorant of every thing which he has crammed into his farrago, will, after this, be unnecessary and that he is the regular trader in this line is plain, because he has taken especial care to recommend the Directions to Housekeepers, and other works of a similar stamp.

To analyze such a compilation, is out of all question; equally so, to give extracts from it, other than may be briefly required on one or two points that we shall notice. But we may say that it is a compilation from Enfield's Speaker, from the English Grammar, from twopenny religious pamphlets, from D'Israeli, and from different vulgar receipt books; the whole tacked together by certain vulgar paragraphs of his own manufacture; teaching nothing on earth of all that it pretends to, and much more likely to do harm than good, if it could produce any effect at all.

It is sufficiently disgusting to find religion intruded now-a-days into every abominable novel; but we have it here as a preface to a work, which details practices and offers hints as to female dress and female frauds, that are often too indecent and disgusting to read, much less to quote. We shall not say more on this subject; but really we do not see why such indecent approximations of religion and rouge, the Deity and cosmetics, are not as fitting subjects for corrective associations, as much with which those institutions have thought proper to interfere. But that is their affair. What we shall chiefly notice in this book shall be of another cast; because our remarks may perhaps be turned to some use by the foolish people whom these receipts might otherwise mislead, to their great trouble and cost.

We pass over the whole stupid farrago of moralities, which serve no other purpose than to aid in swelling the hook up to seven shillings, together with the philology, and all else, equally appropriate, in general, to Dick the ostler as to a lady's maid. The second division consists of natural philosophy, instead of moral; rules for dress, rules for beauty, rules for heaven knows what all; in all of which it would be most difficult to say whether the utterly shameless ignorance, or the vulgarity is greatest. It is amusing enough, nevertheless, to see, at times, who are the authors put under contribution-Burke, Alison, and others equally strange; though it is tolerably evident that they have been found at second-hand in some Encyclopædia, on the subject of Colours in Dress. Thus every thing attainable has been raked together, without comparison or understanding; so that a subject really curious and interesting has been utterly marred. We shall not, with such a text-book, attempt to put this question to rights for any lady's maid; but whatever unlucky girl shall attempt to dress her mistress by those rules, will find herself in a " peck of troubles," to borrow some of the author's genteel phraseology.

In a similar manner, and with no small attempts at "fine writing," he has blundered through the whole subject of fashions, following it by a detail of costumes, borrowed, as we already remarked, from D'Israeli, and serving no possible purpose but to add to the bulk of the book by sixty-six pages. Thus far, however, the greatest damage sustained will be the loss of seven shillings; but having some feelings of charity towards the pockets, both of ladies' maids and their mistresses, we shall attempt to teach them how to save their money in the matter of pomatums and cosmetics, by exposing the abominable stuff which follows; and which, we know well, has a very captivating effect on female vanity.

If the ladies will trust to our science on the subject of hair, in the first place, we can assure them, most confidently, that so far is it from being true that oils and pomatums increase the lustre of hair, that their effect is to diminish that polish which it naturally possesses; while, whatever gloss they may give to hair which is naturally dull, is false, and, like all falsities, disgusting. Absolute cleanliness, by means of water alone, to commence, followed by brushing in the direction of the hair itself, in a dry state, is the true method of giving to the hair all the polish of which it is susceptible; and it is the effect of oils of all kinds to disturb or injure this; to say nothing of the disgust and the necessary dirtiness of greasy hair. It is the effect of oils also to prevent it from curling; and this object is most effectually obtained, if without artificial means, by curling it when wet, and suffering it to dry in that state. And as it happens that almost all hair has a tendency to curl in one direction rather than in another, it is useful to study that tendency, so as to conform to it in the artificial flexure given. As to artificial applications, the whole of the so-called curling fluids are mere impositions; while one, which is really effectual, and at the same time inoffensive, is a weak solution of isinglass, by which a very firm and permanent form can be given to the hair.

Let us still remark, while on the subject of oils or greasy substances, that while there are perhaps five hundred pomatums and oils, the object, whatever it be, can be equally attained by one, or at least by two, a fluid one, and one more solid. Bear's grease, as it is called, is a common imposture; in the first place, as there is very rarely such a thing in reality to be procured; while, if there were, it is no other than any other lard. The reason why bear's grease was, or is, esteemed better than any other, is absurd enough, resting on the ancient Rosicrucian doctrine of signatures; and, as in the case of the yolk of an egg and of dandelion for jaundice, and of a thousand similar nostrums with which medicine was so long and still is encumbered, the mere detection of the cause of its adoption ought to be sufficient proof of its value. The bear has long hair: ergo, his grease must be good for promoting hair.

No grease on earth, though the bear that bore it had hair reaching from Greenland to Kamtschatcka, has the least effect, or can have the least effect, in making hair grow thicker, unless grease could produce in the skin those radical organs whence hairs grow with a growth resembling that of vegetables. Thickness is number; and he who would multiply the number of hairs, might as well attempt to multiply the number of legs and arms. Nourishing, and all this phraseology, is just what phraseology always is-words. One only effect is asserted upon

ideas; namely, that oil prevents the hair from splitting at the extremities. How, it may be asked? When the hair splits, it is because that portion is dead: the vegetable life has ceased thus far; and unless oil could restore' that life, unless bear's grease, or any grease, had the power of conferring immortality on hair, it will split and wither, in spite of all the grease of the biggest whale that ever ploughed Baffin's Bay, or all the bears from pole to pole. We might as well attempt to revive the rotten branch of an oak with bear's grease, or make the mast of one of his Majesty's seventy-fours shoot forth a goodly crop of branches.

The fact is, that the whole is an imposture; oils, pomatums, and all; bear's grease, Macassar, and Rowland, huile a la tuberose, huile antique; huiles and pomades, divine, or whatever else. Excepting so far as pomatum may be used for stiffening or compacting the hair into dirty and greasy masses, or oils for converting the easy and loose flow of nature's ornamental locks into nasty rat's tails, the whole is but a method of extracting money from vanity and fashion. It is but a rivalry of the stinking Hottentots, a relic of savage barbarism. As to the chemistry itself, if ladies will make themselves greasy and disgusting, olive oil, alone, is the only oil that is necessary, hog's lard is the only pomatum; and if it is not sufficiently stiff, let it be stiffened to the taste by wax. It is an apothecary's plaster, or an apothecary's ointment, according to its consistence; it is neither more nor less; though the fair might be shocked at an insinuation to plaster their seducing locks with Turner's cerate, or Unguentum Simplex. Such, nevertheless, is the simple fact; of such use is philosophy and analysis. The rest is all perfume; nothing more; and the lady's maid, or the lady herself, who desires to have a greasy head, may save her money and her care, by sending down to the cook for a little oil from the flask, or a little lard from the bladder; or else, to the apothecary, for a little simple ointment, preparing it to her own fancy. Perhaps Mr. Rowland will call us out, at least our publisher; but we hope that he will refuse to fight, as we certainly shall.

However, as long as female vanity exists (and when will it cease?) we write in vain. The five hundred oils and pomatums will go on being made, and the angel who loves herself better than cleanliness, will go on making herself greasy and odorous. But it is all for the best; or how should trade flourish, how should money circulate from pockets too full into pockets too empty?

That is no reason, however, why any one should be so silly as to follow the receipts of this exquisite author; cheating Mr. Rowland, running the risk of setting the house on fire, and making ointment which she will never be able to use. Here is a condensed specimen of the gentleman's knowledge in chemistry and pomatum. To twenty-nine pounds of fat, we are to add eleven ounces of various essential oils, and so on. We do not know what length of life any lady expects, who presumes on the consumption of thirty pounds of pomatum; while the eleven ounces of perfume are at least sufficient to perfume as many hundred weights of any fat that ever grew on pig or sheep. The rest are of a piece; and the quantities of pomatum and perfume specified in this philosophical work, would suffice to catch every rat in every one of his Majesty's dock-yards. The receipt given for the Macassar oil, is that which farriers use for the heels of horses. As to a solution of gum

guaiacum in olive oil, here called huile antique verte, it is a receipt for rheumatism, which he has probably found in Mrs. Glasse, and has extracted, by mistake, for hair-oil. A curling fluid, made of soap and alkali, would soon leave little hair for curling or any thing else. We hope that no lady's maid will follow this scientific process, unless she wishes to see her beloved mistress in the condition of a company of soldiers, whom a certain captain is reported to have powdered with quick-lime, to save the expence of flour. Were life, instead of hairs, concerned, the promulgator of such receipts ought to be hanged. As to castor oil, it is usually recommended to a different part of the human anatomy; but this gentleman is probably not aware that the oil of Palma Christi is neither more nor less than this said cathartic. Such is the grievous ignorance which sets about to compile books.

-The receipts for staining the hair are of the same philosophy. Out of the whole farrago, not one can produce such an effect. Gall-nuts and charcoal boiled in olive oil, in which both are insoluble; lead ore and ebony boiled in water; oil of tartar, which he does not know to be potash; and more of such trash. Painting the eye-brows with burnt cork is intelligible; but lamp-black in abundance can be purchased for a halfpenny, instead of burning frankincense and mastic under a plate. It is his opinion"-good-that red lead and lime would not make the hair black, but chesnut-coloured. We can only assure the lady's maid in this case, that the colour of her hair subsequent to this pretty operation, would depend upon the wig she would soon be obliged to buy. Whether there has been yet time for this beautiful book to scalp the heads of any of the fair, we do not know; but we conclude that an action for damages would lie against the publisher. The department of cosmetics is equally luminous, equally scientific, and equally true. Does any one know how many cosmetics are sold in London? We do not; but we have reckoned more than two hundred and fifty soaps alone. We believe that we should have no difficulty in making up the total cosmetic regiment to five or six hundred.

And will the ladies believe us when we tell them, upon our honours and verities, that not one of the whole of this preposterous collection (excepting one or two pernicious mineral compounds) is of the slightest possible use; of any more use, that is, than simple soap, or water? No, certainly, they will not. Never will woman believe any thing when her vanity is engaged on the other side.

Nothing, however, is more true. With exceptions scarcely worth noticing, and not worth noticing for our purpose, every soap, every soap at least used on the person, is the same substance, the same chemical compound, with the same precise effects on the skin; the only differences among them being those to the eye and to the smell; colour, form, and perfume. These colours and perfumes cost money, as they ought; but as to their fancy prices, prices beyond their real value, this is a matter of conscience on the one hand, and folly on the other. It is indifferent whether the soap be made from vegetable oil or animal tallow; for, in the state of soap, all oils are equal. All soaps are equally cosmetic, be the name, be the smell, the price, the colour, what they may; liquid or solid, virgin's milk, milk of roses, Bandana, or jasmine.

Cleanliness is the true cosmetic; and it is The Cosmetic, or the Cleanifier; nothing more. You cannot alter the colour of your

skins; for nature has placed her laws here against you; but you may scrub and scour off the dirt, which we strongly advise you to do whenever it is necessary. Thus you will be cleaned and cosmified; and having done this, it is no matter to you how soon Messrs. Bailey and Blew are blown up or burnt down.

Wash your faces, dears; that is all; and if water will not make them clean, use soap, and choose the one that gratifies your noses most; that is all. As soon as the dirt is off your skins, you are as beautiful, precisely, as nature-and your sweet tempers-choose; and all else is hopeless toil; hopeless as bleaching a blackamoor, though you were to labour on all the milks and soaps that have been created from the days of Judith or Faustina, down to those of Del Croix.

These are sad vulgar truths; yet, alas! no less true. The thing is impossible: be content; and as you can as little add one tint to your complexion as one inch to your statures, without paint or without high heels, do what you can to apply the cosmetics to your minds-as you have been often told how. That is the true art of beauty. A gentle soul and a sweet temper, intellect and virtue, these are the cosmetics which will take out all your freckles and smooth all your wrinkles, which will render you beautiful even above your beauty, and beautiful even through your plainness.

Most seriously is this all fact, as to every soap, as to every cosmetic in this class. With respect to the rest, there is but one simple principle; with respect, at least, to those in common use. Almond paste

or meal may be taken as standing for the whole of these, and they are but oils. The natural oil of the skin is removed by soap; and this process is necessary whenever foreign matter, soot, &c., as in London, is so united with it that water fails. Otherwise, there is no cosmetic like warm water-water, warm, hot-not cold.

But, to remove this natural oil too effectually or too often, is sometimes injurious, as it is this which renders the skin soft; while there are some persons in whom, naturally, it is deficient. Here, the extreme use of soap is injurious, and oil becomes necessary. It is a cosmetic, however, incapable of changing or bettering the colour of the skin. All that it can do is, to prevent harshness; and, of course, when this is extreme, producing scaling, it diminishes or removes that tendency.

Such is the use of oily substances; and they are all equal, whether it be almonds or pomatums, or aught else. Of the propriety or utility of their application, it must be for the owner of the skin to judge; as, with the principles already laid down, he may judge of all other cosmetics, instead of using them merely from their names, and without being aware of their peculiar action. But there is one other use in the oils, of which the cosmetic mongers are ignorant, and which it is our duty to the lovely sex to detail, hoping that they will profit more, maids and all, by our commentary, than by the gentleman's sevenshilling book. The previous application of them entirely prevents the action of the sun on the skin, in as far at least as that produces blistering, and is also very conducive to the prevention of freckles and sunburning. Hence, ladies, when you attend reviews, or go on the water in boats, or pick cockle-shells on Margate sands, we advise you to oil your sweet faces, or put on your almond pastes, instead of waiting till the mischief is done, when the cure, though it is still a sort of cure, comes somewhat too late.

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