图书图片
PDF
ePub

court her as tho she warn't a phool and you another. Court her in the kitchen over the wash-tuh, and at the pianner. Court this wa, young man, and if you don't git a wife the fault won't be in the courting. :

Young man, you can rely on Josiar Billings, and if you can't make these rules work, jist send for him, and he will show you how the thing is did—it shan't cost you a sent.

THE STAMMERING WIFE.

J. G. SAXE.
When, deeply in love with Miss Emily Cline,
I vowed if the maiden would only be mine

I would always endeavor to please her;
She blushed her consent, tho' the stuttering lass
Said never a word, except "you're an ass-

An ass--an ass-iduous teaser !"
But when we were married I found to my ruth
The stammering lady had spoken the truth,

For often, in obvious dudgeon,
She'd say—if I ventured to give her a jog
In the way of reproof" you're a dog-you're a dog-

A dog-a dogmatic curmudgeon!"
And once when I said, “We can hardly afford
This extravagant style, with our moderate hoard,

And hinted we ought to be wiser,
She looked, I assure you, exceedingly blue,
And fretfully cried, “You're a ju—you're a ju-

A very ju-dicious adviser!"
Again, when it happened that, wishing to shirk
Some rather unpleasant and arduous work,

I begged her to go to a neighbor,
She wanted to know why I made such a fuss,
And saucily said, “ You're a cuss-cuss—cuss-

You were always ac-cus-tomed to labor !".

Out of temper at last with the insolent dame,
And feeling that Madam was greatly to blame,

To scold me instead of caressing,
I mimicked her speech-like a churl as I am
and angrily said, “You're a dam-dam-dam-

A dam-age instead of a blessing !"

NONSENSE VERSES.

EDWARD LEAR.

Said the duck to the Kangaroo :

"Good gracious! how you hop Over the fields and the water too,

As if you never would stop!
My life is a bore in this nasty pond,
And I long to go out in the world beyond.
I wish I could hop like you !"
Said the Duck to the Kangaroo.

“Please give me a ride on your back!"

Said the Duck to the Kangaroo ;
"I would sit and say nothing but Quack'

The whole of the long day through •
And we'd go to the Dee and the Jelly Bo Lee,
Over the land and over the sea ;
Please take me a ride, o do!!
Said the Duck to the Kangaroo.

Said the Kangaroo to the Duck,

"This requires a little reflection ;
Perhaps on the whole it might bring me luck,

And there seems but one objection.
Which is, if you'll let me speak so bold,
Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold,
And would probably give me the rheu.
Matiz!" said the Kangaroo.

Said the Duck, " As I sat on the rocks

I have thought of all that completely,
And I bought four pairs of worsted socks,

Which fit my web-feet neatly.
And to keep out the cold I've bought a cloak,
And every day a segar I'll smoke,
All to follow my own dear through
Love of a Kangaroo !"

Said the Kangaroo, “ I'm ready!

All in the moonlight pale;
But to balance well, dear Duck, sit steady,

And quite at the end of my tail !"
80 away they went, with a hop and a bound,
And they hopped the whole world three times round;
And who so happy-0, who,
As the Duck and the Kangaroo ?

SPEEOA OF SERGEANT BUZFUZ IN THE CASE OF

BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK.

CHARLES DICKENS. You heard from my learned friend, Gentlemen of the Jury, that this is an action for a breach of promise of marriage, in which the damages are laid at fifteen hundred pounds. The plaintiff, Gentlemen, is a widow; yes, Gentlemen, a widow. The late Mr. Bardell, some time before his death, became the father, Gentlemen, of a little boy. With this little boy, the only pledge of her departed exciseman, Mrs. Bardell shrunk from the world and courted the retirement and tranquility of Goswell street; and here she placed in her front parlor window a written placard, bearing this inscription : "Apartments fur. nished for a single gentleman. Inquire within." Mrs. Bardell's opin. ions of the opposite sex, Gentlemen, were derived from a long contemplation of the inestimable qualities of her lost husband. She had no fear-she had no distrust,--all was confidence and reliance. “Mr. Bardell," said the widow, "was a man of honor-Mr. Bardell was a

man of his word-Mr. Bardell was no deceiver-Mr. Bardell was once a single gentleman himself; to single gentlemen I look for protection, for assistance, for comfort and consolation ; in single gentlemen I shall perpetually see something to remind me of what Mr. Bardell was, when he first won my young and untried affections; to a single gentleman, then, shall my lodgings be let." Actuated by this beautiful and touching impulse (among the best impulses of our imperfect nature, Gentlemen), the lonely and desolate widow dried her tears, furnished her first floor, cauglit her innocent boy to her maternal bosom, and put the bill up in her parlor window. Did it remain there long? No. The serpent was on the watch, the train was was laid, the mine was preparing, the sapper and miner was at work! Before the bill had been in the parlor window three days—three days, Gentlemen-a being, erect upon two legs, and bearing all the outward semblance of a man, and not of a munster, knocked at the door of Mrs. Bardell's house! He inquired within; he took the lodgings, and on the very next day he entered into possession of them. This man was Pickwick- Pickwick, the defendant! .

Of this man I will say little. The subject presents but few attractions; and I, Gentlemen, am not the man, nor are you, Gentlemen, the men to delight in the contemplation of revolting heartlessness and of systematic villany. I say.systematic villany, Gentlemen; as when I say systematic villany, let me tell the defendant, Pickwick, if he be in Court, as I am informed he is, that it would have been more decent in him, more becoming, if he had stopped away. Let me tell him, further, that a counsel, in his discharge cf his duty, is neither to be intimidated nor bullied, nor put down; and that any attempt to do either the one or the other will recoil on the head of the attempter, be he plaintiff or be he defendant-be his name Pickwick, or Noakes, or Stoakes, or Stiles, or Brown, or Thompson.

I shall show you, Gentlemen, that for two years Pickwick continued to reside constantly, and without interruption or intermission, at Mrs. Bardell's house. I shall show you that Mrs. Bardell, during the whole of that time, waited on him, attended to his comforts, cooked his meals, looked out his linen for the washerwoman when it went abroad, darned, aired, and prepared it for wear when it came home, and, in short, enjoyed his fullest trust and confidence. I shall show you that, on many occasions, he gave half-pence, and on some occasions, even sixpence to her little boy. I shall prove to you that, on one occasion, when he returned from the country, he distinctly and in terms offered her marriage-previously, however, taking special care that there should be no witnesses to their solemn contract; and I am in a situation to prove to you, on the testimony of three of his own friends-most unwilling witnesses, Gentlemenmost unwilling witnesses—that on that mornivg he was discovered by them holding the plaintiff in his arms, and soothing her agitation by his caresses and endearments.

And now, Gentlemen, but one word more. Two letters have passed between these parties—letters that must be viewed with a cautious and suspicious eye-letters that were evidently intended, at the time, by Pickwick, to mislead and delude any third parties into whose hands they might fall. Let me read the first: “Garraways, twelve o'clock.-Dear Mrs. B.-Chops and Tomato sauce. Yours, Pickwick." Gentlemen, what does this mean? Chops and Tomato sauce! Yours, Pickwick! Chops! Gracious Heavens ! And Tomato sauce! Gentlemen, is the happiness of a sensitive and confiding female to be trifled away by such shallow artifices as these? The next has no date whatever, which is in itself suspicious. -"Dear Mrs. B., I shall not be at home to-morrow. Slow coach." And then follows this very remarkable expression—"Don't trouble yourself about the warming pan.” The warming pan! Why, Gentlemen, who does trouble himself about a warming pan? Why is Mrs. Bardell so earnesly entreated not to agitate herself about this warming pan, unless (as is no doubt the case) it is a mere cover for hidden fire-a mere substitute for some endearing word or promise, agreeably to a preconcerted system of correspondence, artfully contrived by Pickwick with a view to his contemplated desertion ? And what does this allusion to the slow coach mean? For aught I know, it may be a reference to Pickwick himself, who has most upquestionably been a criminal slow coach during the whole of this transaction, but whose spoed will now be very unexpectedly accelerated, and whose wheels, Gentlemen, as he will find to his cost, will very soon be greased by you.

“But enough of this, Gentlemen, it is difficult to smile with an

« 上一页继续 »