Enter DROMIO of Ephesus.

ADRIANA. Say, is your tardy master now at hand? 44 DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Nay, he 's at two hands with me, and that my two ears can witness.

ADRIANA. Say, didst thou speak with him? Know'st thou his mind ?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Ay, ay, he told his mind upon mine ear.

Beshrew his hand, I scarce could understand it.

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LUCIANA. Spake he so doubtfully, thou couldst not feel his meaning?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Nay, he struck so plainly, I could too well feel his blows; and withal so doubtfully, that I could scarce understand them.

ADRIANA. But say, I prithee, is he coming home? It seems he hath great care to please his wife.

56

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Why, mistress, sure my master is horn-mad.

ADRIANA. Horn-mad, thou villain!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. I mean not cuckold-mad; but, sure, he is stark mad.

When I desir'd him to come home to dinner,

He ask'd me for a thousand marks in gold:

'Tis dinner time,' quoth I;

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60

my gold!' quoth he: Your meat doth burn,' quoth I; 'my gold!' quoth he: Will you come home?' quoth I:

quoth he:

'my gold!'

Where is the thousand marks I gave thee, villain?

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The pig,' quoth I, 'is burn'd; my gold!' quoth he: My mistress, sir,' quoth I: hang up thy mistress! I know not thy mistress: out on thy mistress!' LUCIANA. Quoth who?

DROMIO OT EPHESUS. Quoth my master :

'I know,' quɔth he, no house, no wife, no mistress.' So that my errand, due unto my tongue,

I thank him, I bear home upon my shoulders;

For, in conclusion, he did beat me there.

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72

ADRIANA. Go back again, thou slave, and fetch him home.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

beaten home?

Go back again, and be new

For God's sake, send some other messenger.

ADRIANA.

across.

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Back, slave, or I will break thy pate

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. And he will bless that cross

with other beating:

Between you, I shall have a holy head.

ADRIANA. Hence,

master home.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

with me,

prating peasant!

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fetch thy

Am I so round with you as you

That like a football you do spurn me thus ?
You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither:
If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.

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[Exit.

88

LUCIANA. Fie, how impatience loureth in your face! ADRIANA. His company must do his minions grace, Whilst I at home starve for a merry look. Hath homely age the alluring beauty took From my poor cheek? then, he hath wasted it: Are my discourses dull? barren my wit? If voluble and sharp discourse be marr'd, Unkindness blunts it more than marble hard: Do their gay vestments his affections bait? That's not my fault; he 's master of my state: What ruins are in me that can be found

By him not ruin'd? then is he the ground

Of my defeatures. My decayed fair
A sunny look of his would soon repair;
But, too unruly deer, he breaks the pale
And feeds from home: poor I am but his stale.

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100

LUCIANA. Self-harming jealousy! fie! beat it hence. ADRIANA. Unfeeling fools can with such wrongs dispense.

I know his eye doth homage otherwhere,
Or else what lets it but he would be here ?
Sister, you know he promis'd me a chain:
Would that alone, alone he would detain,
So he would keep fair quarter with his bed!

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108

I see, the jewel best enamelled

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Will lose his beauty; and though gold bides still
That others touch, yet often touching will
Wear gold; and no man that hath a name,
By falsehood and corruption doth it shame.
Since that my beauty cannot please his eye,
I'll weep what's left away, and weeping die.
LUCIANA. How many fond fools serve mad jealousy!
[Exeunt.

SCENE II. A public Place.

Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Syracuse.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. The gold I gave to

Dromio is laid up

Safe at the Centaur; and the heedful slave
Is wander'd forth, in care to seek me out.
By computation, and mine host's report,
I could not speak with Dromio since at first
I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.

Enter DROMIO of Syracuse.

8

How now, sir! is your merry humour alter'd ?
As you love strokes, so jest with me again.
You know no Centaur? You receiv'd no gold?
Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?
My house was at the Phoenix? Wast thou mad,
That thus so madly thou didst answer me ?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. What answer, sir? when
spake I such a word?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. not half-an-hour since.

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Even now, even here,

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. I did not see you since you

sent me hence,

Home to the Centaur, with the gold you gave me.

16

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Villain, thou didst deny the gold's receipt,

And told'st me of a mistress and a dinner;

For which, I hope, thou felt'st I was displeas'd.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. I am glad to see you in this merry vein:

20

What means this jest? I pray you, master, tell me. Yea, dost thou jeer, and

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.

flout me in the teeth?

Think'st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that, and that. [Beating him. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Hold, sir, for God's sake! now your jest is earnest :

Upon what bargain do you give it me ?

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ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Because that I familiarly sometimes

Do use you for my fool, and chat with you,
Your sauciness will jest upon my love,
And make a common of my serious hours.

When the sun shines let foolish gnats make sport,
But creep in crannies when he hides his beams.
If you will jest with me, know my aspect,
And fashion your demeanour to my looks,
Or I will beat this method in your sconce.

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32

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Sconce, call you it? so you would leave battering, I had rather have it a head: an you use these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head and insconce it too; or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But, I pray, sir, why am I beaten? ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Dost thou not know? 40 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Nothing, sir, but that I am beaten.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.

Shall I tell you why? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Ay, sir, and wherefore; for they say every why hath a wherefore.

45

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Why, first,-for flouting me; and then, wherefore,

For urging it the second time to me.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season,

48

When, in the why and the wherefore is neither rime nor reason?

Well, sir, I thank you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Thank me, sir! for what? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Marry, sir, for this something that you gave me for nothing.

53

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. I'll make you amends next, to give you nothing for something. But say, sir, is it dinner-time ?

56

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. No, sir: I think the meat wants that I have.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. In good time, sir; what's

that?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Basting.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.

dry.

60

Well, sir, then 'twill be

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. If it be, sir, I pray you eat none of it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.

Your reason?

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DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Lest it make you choleric, and purchase me another dry basting.

68

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Well, sir, learn to jest in good time: there's a time for all things.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. I durst have denied that, before you were so choleric.

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ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. By what rule, sir? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Marry, sir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald pate of Father Time himself.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Let's hear it. 76 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. There's no time for a man to recover his hair that grows bald by nature. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. May he not do it by fine and recovery?

80

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Yes, to pay a fine for a periwig and recover the lost hair of another man.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Why is Time such a niggard of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Because it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts: and what he hath scanted men in hair, he hath given them in wit.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Why, but there 's many a man hath more hair than wit.

89 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Not a man of those but he hath the wit to lose his hair.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Why, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without wit.

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