1st Gent. Let it come where it will, I'll hold you fifty pounds 'tis false. Free. 'Tis done. 2d Boy. Mr Humphry Hump is not her you'll find him upon the Dutch walk. Trade. Mr Freeman, I give you many thanks 2d Gent. I'll lay you a brace of hundreds upon for your kindnessthe same. Free. I'll take you. 4th Stock. 'Egad, I'll hold twenty pieces 'tis not raised, sir. Free. Done with you, too. Trade. I'll lay any man a brace of thousands the siege is raised. Free. The Dutch merchant is your man to take in. [Aside to TRADELOVE. Trade. Does not he know the news? Free. Not a syllable; if he did, he would bet a hundred thousand pounds as soon as one penny; he's plaguy rich, and a mighty man at wagers. TO TRADELOVE. Trade. Say you so→ Egad, I'll bite him, if possible. Are you from Holland, sir? Col. Ya, mynheer. Trade. Had you the news before you came a way? Col. What believe you, mynheer? Trade. What do I believe? Why, I believe that the Spaniards have actually raised the siege of Cagliari. Col. What duyvel's news is dat? 'Tis niet waer, mynheer 'tis no true, sir. Trade. 'Tis so true, mynheer, that I'll lay you two thousand pounds upon it. You are sure the letter may be depended upon, Mr Freeman? Free. Do you think I would venture my money, if I were not sure of the truth of it? [Aside to TRADElove. Col. Two duysend pound, mynheer, 'tis gadaen-dis gentleman sal hold de gelt. [Gives FREEMAN money. Trade. With all my heart-this binds the wager. Free. You have certainly lost, mynbeer, the siege is raised indeed. Col. Ik gelov't niet, mynheer Freeman, ik sal ye dubbled honden, if you please. Free. I am let into the secret; therefore, won't win your money. Trade. Ha, ha, ha! I have snapt the Dutchman, faith, ha, ha! this is no ill day's work. Pray, may I crave your name, mynheer? Col. Myn naem, mynheer! myn naem is Jan Van Timtamtirelereletta Heer Van Fainwell. Free. I fear you'll repent, when you know all. Trade, Will you dine with me? [Aside. [Exit FREE. Trade. Sir, your humble servant. Now I'll see what I can do upon Change with my news. [Exit TRADE, SCENE II.-The tavern. Enter FREEMAN and COLONEL. Free. Ha, ha, ha! The old fellow swallowed the bait as greedily as a gudgeon. Col. I have him, faith, ha, ha, ha!-His two thousand pounds secure-If he would keep his money, he must part with the lady, ha, ha !What came of your two friends? they performed their part very well; you should have brought them to take a glass with us. Free. No matter, we'll drink a bottle together another time. I did not care to bring them hither; there's no necessity to trust them with the main secret, you know, colonel. Col. Nay, that's right, Freeman. Enter SACKBUT. Sack. Joy, joy, colonel! the luckiest accident in the world! Col. What sayest thou? Sack. This letter does your business. Col. [Reads.] To Obadiah Prim, hosier, near 'the building called the Monument, in London.' Free. A letter to Prim! How came you by it? Sack. Looking over the letters our post-woman brought, as I always do, to see what letters are directed to my house (for she can't read, you must know), I espied this directed to Prim, so paid for it among the rest; I have given the old jade a pint of wine on purpose to delay time, till you see if the letter be of any service; then I'll seal it up again, and tell I took it by mistake;I have read it, and fancy you'll like the project. Read, read, colonel. Col. [Reads.] Friend Prim, there is arrived from Pennsylvania one Simon Pure, a leader of the faithful, who hath sojourned with us eleven I'days, and hath been of great comfort to the Trade. Zounds, 'tis a damned long name, shall never remember it-Myn heer van, Tim, Tim, Tim-What the devil is it? Free. Oh! never heed, 1 know the gentleman, and will pass my word for twice the sum. Trade. That's enough. Col. You'll hear of me sooner than you'll wish, old gentleman, I fancy. [Aside.] You'll come to Sackbut's, Freeman? [Exit COL. Free. Immediately. [Aside to the CoL. 1st Man. Humphry Hump here?. brethren. He intendeth for the quarterly meeting in London; I have recommended him to thy house. I pray thee treat him kindly, and let thy wife cherish him, for he's of weakly consti'tution he will depart from us the third day; which is all from thy friend in the faith, AMINADAB HOLDFAST.' Ha, ha! excellent! I understand you, landlord; Col. Admirably well! Free. 'Tis the best contrivance in the world, if the right Simon gets not there before you Col. No, no; the quakers never ride post; he can't be here before to-morrow at soonest: do you send and buy me a quaker's dress, Mr Sackbut; and suppose, Freeman, you should wait at the Bristol coach, that if you see any such person, you might contrive to give me notice. Free. I will the country dress and boots, are they ready? Sack. Yes, yes; every thing, sir. Free. Bring them in then. [Exit SACK.] Thou must dispatch Periwinkle first-remember his uncle, sir Toby Periwinkle, is an old batchelor of seventy-five-that he has seven hundred a year, most in abbey-land-that he was once in love with your mother, shrewdly suspected by some to be your father-that you have been thirty years his steward—and ten years his gentlemanremember to improve these hints. Col. Never fear; let me alone for that-but what's the steward's name? Free. His name is Pillage. Col. Enough-[Enter SACKBUT with clothes.] -Now for the country put- [Dresses. Free. Egad, landlord, thou deservest to have the first night's lodging with the lady for thy fide lity; what say you, colonel? shall we settle a club here? you'll make one? Col. Make one! I'll bring a set of honest officers, that will spend their money as freely to the king's health, as they would their blood in his Sack. Zounds! Mr Freeman! yonder is Tradelove in the damnedest passion in the world-He swears you are in the house-he says you told him you were to dine here. Free. I did so; ha, ha, ha! he has found himself bit already. Col. The devil! he must not see me in this dress. Sack. I told him I expected you here, but you were not come yet Free. Very well-make you haste out, colonel, and let me alone to deal with him: where is he? Sack. In the King's Head. Col. You remember what I told you? Free. Ay, ay, very well. Landlord, let him know I am come in-and now, Mr Pillage, success attend you! [Exit SACKBUT. Col. Mr Proteus rather From changing shape, and imitating Jove, Enter TRADeLove. Free. Zounds! Mr Tradelove, we're bit, it seems. Trade. Bit, do you call it, Mr Freeman! I am ruined.- -Pox on your news! Free. Pox on the rascal that sent it me!Trade. Sent it you! Why Gabriel Skinflint has been at the minister's, and spoke with him, and he has assured him 'tis every syllable false; he received no such express. Free. I know it: I this minute parted with my friend, who protested he never sent me any such letter- -Some roguish stock-jobber has done it, on purpose to make me lose my mone y that's certain: I wish I knew who he was; I'd make him repent it-I have lost three hundred pounds by it. Trade. What signifies your three hundred pounds, to what I have lost? There's two thousand pounds to that Dutchman with a cursed long name, besides the stock I bought: the devil! I could tear my flesh-I must never shew my face upon 'Change more ;- -for, by my soul, I can't pay it. Free. I am heartily sorry for it! What can I serve you in? Shall I speak to the Dutch merchant, and try to get you time for the payment? Trade. Time! Ads heart, I shall never be able to look up again. Free. I am very much concerned that I was the occasion, and wish I could be an instrument of retrieving your misfortune; for my own, I value it not. Adso! a thought comes into my head, that, well improved, may be of service. Trade. Ah! there's no thought can be of any service to me, without paying the money, or running away. Free. How do we know? What do you think of my proposing Mrs Lovely to him? He is a single man-and I heard him say, he had a mind to marry an English woman-nay, more than that, he said somebody told him you had a pretty ward-he wished you had betted her instead of your money. Trade. Ay, but he'd be hanged before he'd take her instead of the money; the Dutch are too covetous for that. Besides, he did not know that there were three of us, I suppose? Free. So much the better; you may venture to give him your consent, if he'll forgive you the wager: It is not your business to tell him, that your consent will signify nothing. Trade. That's right, as you say; but will he do it, think you? Free. I can't tell that; but I'll try what I can do with him—He has promised to meet me here an hour hence; I'll feel his pulse, and let you know if I find it feasible, I'll send for you; if not, you are at liberty to take what measures you please. Trade. You must extol her beauty, double her portion, and tell him I have the entire disposal of her, and that she can't marry without my consent; -and that I am a covetous rogue, and will never part with her without a valuable consideration. Free. Ay, ay; let me alone for a lye at a pinch. Trade. 'Egad, if you can bring this to bear, Mr Freeman, I'll make you whole again; I'll pay the three hundred pounds you lost, with all my soul. Free. Well, I'll use my best endeavoursWhere will you be? you Pillage.- -Pray, Mr Pillage, when did my Col. Monday last, at four in the morning. About two he signed his will, and gave it into my hands, and strictly charged me to leave Coventry the moment he expired, and deliver it to you with what speed I could: I have obeyed him, sir, and there is the will. [Gives it to PER. Per. 'Tis very well; I'll lodge it in the Commons. Col. There are two things which he forgot to insert; but charged me to tell you, that he desired you'd perform them as readily as if you had found them written in the will-which is, to remove his corpse, and bury him by his father at St Paul's, Covent Garden, and to give all his servants mourning. Per. That will be a considerable charge; a pox of all modern fashions! [Aside.]-Well, it shall be done. Mr Pillage, I will agree with one of Trade. At home; pray Heaven you prosper-death's fashion-mongers, called an undertaker, to If I were but the sole trustee now, I should not fear it. Who the devil would be a guardian, If, when cash runs low, our coffers t'enlarge, We can't, like other stocks, transfer our charge? [Exit TRADELOVE. Free. Ha, ha, ha!-He has it. Col. Is your name Periwinkle, sir? Col. I am sorry for the message I bring-My old master, whom I served these forty years, claims the sorrow due from a faithful servant to an indulgent master. [Weeps. Per. By this I understand, sir, my uncle, sir Toby Periwinkle, is dead? Col. He is, sir, and he has left you heir to seven hundred a-year, in as good abbey-land as ever paid Peter-pence to Rome.I wish you long to enjoy it; but my tears will flow when I think of my master.-[Weeps.] Ah! he was a good man- -he has not left many of his fellows--the poor lament him sorely. Per. I pray, sir, what office bore you? Col. I was his steward, sir. Per. I have heard him mention you with much respect; your name is Col. Pillage, sir. go down, and bring up the body. Col. I hope, sir, I shall have the honour to serve you in the same station I did your worthy uncle; I have not many years to stay behind him, and would gladly spend them in the family, where I was brought up-[Weeps.]-He was a kind and tender master to me. Per. Pray, don't grieve, Mr Pillage, you shall hold your place, and every thing else which you held under my uncle.-You make me weep to see you so concerned. [Weeps.] He lived to a good old age, and we are all mortal. Col. We are so, sir; and, therefore, I must beg you to sign this lease: you'll find sir Toby has taken particular notice of it in his will-I could not get it time enough from the lawyer, or he had signed it before he died. [Gives him a paper. Per. A lease! for what? Col. I rented a hundred a-year of sir Toby upon lease, which lease expires at Lady-day next. I desire to renew it for twenty years—that's all, sir. Per. Let me see! [Looks over the lease. Col. Matters go swimmingly, if nothing intervene! [Aside. Per. Very well-Let's see what he says in his will about it. [Lays the lease upon the table, and looks on the will. Col. He's very wary; yet I fancy I shall be too cunning for him. [Aside. Per. Ho, here it is- The farm lying-now in possession of Samuel Pillage-suffer him to renew his lease-at the same rent'-Very well, Mr Pillage, I see my uncle does mention it, and I'll perform his will. Give me the lease-[COLONEL gives it him; he looks upon it, and lays it upon the table.] Pray you step to the door, and call for a pen and ink, Mr Pillage. Col. I have a pen and ink in my pocket, sir. Per. Ay, Pillage; I do remember he called [Pulls out an ink-horn.] I never go without that. Col. Little does he think what he sigus. [Aside. Per. There is your lease, Mr Pillage. [Gives him the paper.] Now I must desire you to make what haste you can down to Coventry, and take care of every thing, and I'll send down the undertaker for the body; do you attend it up, and whatever charge you are at, I'll repay you. Col. You have paid me already; I thank you, [Aside. sir. Per. Will you dine with me? Col. I would rather not; there are some of my neighbours whom I met as I came along, who leave the town this afternoon, they told me, and I should be glad of their company down. Per. Well, well, I won't detain you. Col. I don't care how soon I am out. [Aside. You'll find your hopes and cares alike are vain, Trade. Ay, Heer Van Fainwell, I never heard such a confounded name in my life-Here's his health, I say. Free. With all my heart. Trade. Faith, I never expected to have found so generous a thing in a Dutchman. Free. Oh, he has nothing of the Hollander in his temper- -except an antipathy to monarchy. As soon as I told him your circumstances, he replied, he would not be the ruin of any man for the world-and immediately made this proposal himself- Let him take what time he will for 'the payment,' said he; or, if he'll give me his ward, I'll forgive him the debt.' Trade. Well, Mr Freeman, I can't but thank you-'Egad you have made a man of me again! and if ever I lay a wager more, may I rot in a gaol! Free. I can assure you, Mr Tradelove, I was very much concerned, because I was the occasion-though very innocently, I protest. Trade. I dare swear you was, Mr Freeman. Enter a Fiddler. Fid. Please to have a lesson of music, or a song, gentlemen? Free. Song? aye, with all our hearts; have you a very merry one? Fid. Yes, sir; my wife and I can give you a merry dialogue. [Here is the song. Trade. 'Tis very pretty, faith. Free. There's something for you to drink, friend; go, lose no time. Fid. I thank you, sir. [Exit. Enter Drawer and COLONEL, dressed for the Per. Seven hundred a year! I wish he had died seventeen years ago:-What a valuable collection of rarities might I have had by this time!—I might have travelled over all the known parts of the globe, and made my own closet rival the Vatican at Rome.-Odso, I have a good mind to begin my travels now;-let me see I am but sixty! My father, grandfather, and great grandfather, reached ninety odd;-I Col. Ha, Mynheer Tradelove, Ik ben sorry have almost forty years good:-Let me consider! voor your troubles-maer Ik sal you easie mawhat will seven hundred a year amount to in-ken, Ik will de gelt nie hebbenay! in thirty years, I'll say but thirty--thirty times seven, is seven times thirty- -that isjust twenty-one thousand pounds---'tis a great deal of money.-I may very well reserve sixteen hundred of it for a collection of such rarities as will make my name famous to posterity;---I would not die like other mortals, forgotten in a year or two, as my uncle will be---No, With nature's curious works I'll raise my fame, That men, till Doom's-day, may repeat my [Exit. name. SCENE IV.-Changes to a tavern. FREEMAN and TRADELOVE over a bottle. Trade. Come, Mr Freeman, here's Mynheer Jan Van Tim, Tam, Tam-I shall never think of that Dutchman's name. Free. Mynheer Jan Van Timtamtirelireletta Heer Van Fainwell. Trade. I shall for ever acknowledge the obligation, sir. Free. But you understand upon what condition, Mr Tradelove; Mrs Lovely. Col. Ya, de frow sal al te regt setten, Mynheer. Trade. With all my heart, Mynheer; you shall have my consent to marry her freely Free. Well, then; as I am a party concerned between you, Mynheer Jan Van Timtamtirelireletta Heer Van Fainwell shall give you a discharge of your wager under his own hand, and you shall give him your consent to marry Mrs Lovely under yours-that is the way to avoid all manner of disputes hereafter. Col. Ya, weeragtig. Trade. Aye, aye, so it is, Mr Freeman; I'll give it under mine this minute. [Sits down to write. Col. And so Ik sal. [Does the same. Free. So ho, the house! Sack. Do you call, gentlemen? Free. Aye, Mr Sackbut; we shall want your hand here Trade. There, Mynheer, there's my consent, as amply as you can desire; but you must insert your own name, for I know not how to spell it; I have left a blank for it. [Gives the Colonel a paper. Col. Ya Ik sal dat well doenFree. Now, Mr Sackbut, you and I will witness it. [They write. Col. Daer, Mynheer Tradelove, is your discharge. [Gives a paper. Trude. Be pleased to witness this receipt, too, gentlemen. [FREEMAN and SACKBUT put their hands. Free. Aye, aye, that we will. Col. Well, Mynheer, ye most meer doen, ye most myn voorsprach to de frow syn. Free. He means you must recommend him to the lady. Trade. That I will, and to the rest of my brother guardians. Col. Wat, voor, de duyvel, heb you meer guardians? Trade. Only three, Mynheer. Col. What donder heb ye myn betrocken Myn SCENE I-PRIM's house. heer? Had Ik dat gewoeten, Ik soude eaven met you geweest syn. Sack. But Mr Tradelove is the principal, and he can do a great deal with the rest, sir. Free. And he shall use his interest, I promise you, mynheer. Trade. I will say all that ever I can think on to recommend you, mynheer; and, if you please, I'll introduce you to the lady. Col. Well, dat is waer-Maer ye must first spreken of myn to de frow, and to oudere gentlemen. Free. Aye, that's the best way, and then I and the Heer Van Fainwell will meet you there. Trade. I will go this moment, upon honourYour most obedient humble servant--My speaking will do you little good, Mynheer, ha, ha, ha! we have bit you, faith, ha, ha! Well, my debt's discharged, and for the man, He has my consent to get her, if he can. [Exit. Col. Ha, ha, ha! this was a masterpiece of contrivance, Freeman. Free. He hugs himself with his supposed good fortune, and little thinks the luck's on our side! but come, pursue the fickle goddess while she's in the mood-Now, for the quaker. Col. That's the hardest task. ACT V. Enter MRS PRIM and MRS LOVELY, in quaker's dresses, meeting. Mrs Prim. So, now I like thee, Anne; art thou not better without thy monstrous hoop-coat and patches?—If Heaven should make thee so many black spots upon thy face, would it not fright thee, Anne? Mrs Love. If it should turn your inside outward, and shew all the spots of your hypocrisy, 'twould fright me worse! Mrs Prim. My hypocrisy! I scorn thy words, Anne; I lay no baits. Mrs Love. If you did, you'd catch no fish. Mrs Prim. Well, well, make thy jests—but I'd have thee to know, Anne, that I could have catched as many fish (as thou call'st them) in my time, as ever thou didst with all thy fool-traps about thee-If admirers be thy aim, thou wilt have more of them in this dress than the otherThe men, take my word for't, are more desirous to see what we are most careful to conceal. | [Exeunt. deed, there was more design than goodness in the pinch'd cap. Mrs Prim. Go, thou art corrupted with reading lewd plays, and filthy romancesgood for nothing but to lead youth into the high-road of fornication. Ah! I wish thou art not already too familiar with the wicked ones! Mrs Love. Too familiar with the wicked ones! Pray, no more of those freedoms, madamam familiar with none so wicked as yourself:How dare you thus talk to me! you, you, you, unworthy woman you! [Bursts into tears. Enter TRADELove. Trade. What, in tears, Nancy? What have you done to her, Mrs Prim, to make her weep? Mrs Love. Done to me! I admire I keep my senses among you; but I will rid myself of your tyranny, if there be either law or justice to be had- -I'll force you to give me up my liberty. for Mrs Prim. Thou hast more need to weep thy sins, Anne-Yea, for thy manifold sins. Mrs Love. Don't think that I'll be still the fool Mrs Love. Is that the reason of your formality, which you have made me. No, I'll wear what I Mrs Prim? Truth will out: I ever thought, in-please-go when and where I please—and |