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amend the sore myself, yet I will declare my good will to discover the sore to others.
thence came not only the beginning, but the ending of his motions.
SIR PHILIP SIDNEY
KING JAMES I
From A COUNTER-BLAST TO TOBACCO He stayed till I caused Mopsa bid him How you are by this custom disabled in do something upon his horse'; which no your goods, let the gentry of this land bear sooner said, than with a kind rather of witness, some of them bestowing three, quick gesture than show of violence, you some four hundred pounds a year upon might see him come towards me, beating this precious stink, which I am sure might the ground in so due time as no dancer be bestowed upon many far better uses. can observe better measure. If you re- I read indeed of a knavish courtier, who member the ship we saw once when the for abusing the favour of the emperor sea went high upon the coast of Argos, so Alexander Severus, his master, by taking went the beast. But he, as if centaur-like bribes to intercede for sundry persons in he had been one piece with the horse, was his master's ear (for whom he never once no more moved than one with the going of opened his mouth), was justly choked with his own legs; and in effect so did he smoke, with this doom, Fumo pereat, qui command him as his own limbs: for fumum vendidit: but of so many smokethough he had both spurs and wand, they buyers, as are at this present in this kingseemed rather marks of sovereignty than dom, I never read nor heard. instruments of punishment, his hand and And for the vanities committed in this leg, with most pleasing grace, commanding filthy custom, is it not both great vanity without threatening, and rather remember- and uncleanness, that at the table, a place ing than chastising; at least if sometimes of respect, of cleanliness, of modesty, men he did, it was so stolen as neither our eyes should not be ashamed to sit tossing of tocould discern it, nor the horse with any bacco pipes, and puffing of the smoke of change did complain of it: he ever going tobacco one to another, making the filthy so just with the horse, either forthright or smoke and stink thereof to exhale athwart turning, that it seemed as he borrowed the dishes, and infect the air, when very the horse's body, so he lent the horse his often men that abhor it are at their repast? mind. In the turning one might perceive Surely smoke becomes a kitchen far better the bridle hand somewhat gently stir; than a dining chamber, and yet it makes a but indeed so gently, as it did rather distil kitchen also oftentimes in the inward virtue, than use violence. Himself, which parts of men, soiling and infecting them, methinks is strange, showing at one in- with an unctuous and oily kind of soot, as stant both steadiness and nimbleness; hath been found in some great tobacco sometimes making him turn close to the takers, that after their death were opened. ground like a cat, when scratchingly she And not only meat time, but no other time wheels about after a mouse: sometimes nor action is exempted from the public with a little move rising before; now like use of this uncivil trick: so as if the wives a raven leaping from ridge to ridge, then of Dieppe list to contest with this nation like one of Dametas' kids bound over the for good manners, their worst manners hillocks; and all so done as neither the would in all reason be found at least not lusty kind showed any roughness, nor the so dishonest (as ours are) in this point. easier any idleness, but still like a well The public use whereof, at all times and in obeyed master, whose beck is enough for all places, hath now so far prevailed, as a discipline, ever concluding each thing divers men very sound both in judgment he did with his face to me-wards, as if and complexion, have been at last forced
to take it also without desire, partly be- persons and goods, and taking also thereby cause they were ashamed to seem singular the marks and notes of vanity upon you: (like the two philosophers that were forced by the custom thereof making yourselves to duck themselves in that rain water, and to be wondered at by all foreign civil naso become fools as well as the rest of the tions, and by all strangers that come people), and partly, to be as one that was among you, to be scorned and contemned. content to eat garlic (which he did not love) A custom loathsome to the eye, hateful that he might not be troubled with the to the nose, harmful to the brain, dangersmell of it in the breath of his fellows. ous to the lungs, and in the black stinking And is it not a great vanity, that a man fume thereof nearest resembling the horcannot heartily welcome his friend now, rible Stigian smoke of the pit that is but straight they must be in hand with bottomless. tobacco? No, it is become in place of a
JOHN LYLY cure a point of good fellowship, and he that will refuse to take a pipe of tobacco among
CURRENT LITERATURE his fellows (though by his own election he
From THE PREFACE TO EUPHUES, THE would rather feel the savour of a sink),
ANATOMY OF WYT is accounted peevish and no good company, even as they do with tippling in the cold I was driven into a quandary, gentlemen, eastern countries. Yea the mistress can- whether I might send this my pamphlet not in a more mannerly kind entertain her to the printer or to the pedlar. I thought servant, than by giving him out of her fair it too bad for the press, and too good for hand a pipe of tobacco. But herein is not the pack. But seeing my folly in writing only a great vanity, but a great contempt to be as great as others', I was willing my of God's good gifts, that the sweetness of fortune should be as ill as any man's. man's breath, being a good gift of God, We commonly see the book that at Christshould be wilfully corrupted by this stink- mas lieth bound on the stationer's stall, ing smoke, wherein I must confess, it hath at Easter to be broken in the haberdasher's too strong a virtue: and so that which is shop, which sith it is the order of proceedan ornament of nature, and can neither by ing, I am content this winter to have my any artifice be at the first acquired, nor doings read for a toy, that in summer they once lost, be recovered again, shall be may be ready for trash. It is not strange filthily corrupted with an incurable stink, whenas the greatest wonder lasteth but which vile quality is as directly contrary nine days, that a new work should not to that wrong opinion which is holden of endure but three months. Gentlemen the wholesomeness thereof, as the venom use books as gentlewomen handle their of putrifaction is contrary to the virtue flowers, who in the morning stick them in preservative.
their heads, and at night straw them at Moreover, which is a great iniquity and
their heels. Cherries be fulsome when against all humanity, the husband shall they be through ripe, because they be not be ashamed to reduce thereby his plenty, and books be stale when they be delicate, wholesome, and clean com- printed, in that they be common. In my plexioned wife to that extremity, that mind printers and tailors are bound chiefly either she must also corrupt her sweet to pray for gentlemen : the one hath so breath therewith, or else resolve to live in many fantasies to print, the other such a perpetual stinking torment.
divers fashions to make, that the pressing not reason then to be iron of the one is never out of the fire, nor ashamed, and to forbear this filthy novelty, the printing press of the other at any time so basely grounded, so foolishly received lieth still. But a fashion is but a day's and so grossly mistaken in the right use wearing and a book but an hour's reading : thereof? In your abuse thereof sinning which seeing it is so, I am of a shoemaker's against God, harming yourselves both in mind who careth not so the shoe hold the
plucking on, nor I, so my labours last the eyes start out, and sometimes hurt in one running over He that cometh in print place, sometimes in another. But whobecause he would be known, is like the fool soever scapeth away the best goeth not that cometh into the market because he scot-free, but is either sore wounded, and would be seen. I am not he that seeketh bruised, so as he dieth of it, or else scapeth praise for his labour, but pardon for his very hardly. And no marvel, for they offence, neither do I set this forth for any have sleights to meet one betwixt two, devotion in print, but for duty which I to dash him against the heart with their owe to my patron. If one write never so elbows, to hit him under the short ribs well, he cannot please all, and write he with their gripped fists, and with their never so ill, he shall please some. Fine knees to catch him upon the hip, and to heads will pick a quarrel with me if all pick him on his neck, with an hundred be not curious, and flatterers a thank if such murdering devices. And hereof any thing be current. But this is my groweth envy, malice, rancour, choler, mind: let him that findeth fault amend hatred, displeasure, enmity and what not it, and him that liketh it use it. Envy else; and sometimes fighting, brawling, braggeth, but draweth no blood : the contention, quarrel picking, murder, homimalicious have more mind to quip, than cide and great effusion of blood, as expemight to cut. I submit myself to the
I submit myself to the rience daily teacheth. judgment of the wise, and I little esteem the censure of fools. The one will be
BARBERS satisfied with reason: the other are to be answered with silence. I know gentlemen Theodosus. What say you of the barwill find no fault without cause, and bear bers and trimmers of men? Are they so with those that deserve blame, as for neat, and so fine fellows as they are said to others I care not for their jests, for I never be? meant to make them my judges.
Amphilogus. There are no finer fellows
under the sun, nor experter in their noble PHILIP STUBBES
science of barbing than they be. And
therefore in the fulness of their overflowFOOTBALL
ing knowledge (oh ingenious heads, and From THE ANATOMIE OF ABUSES
worthy to be dignified with the diadem of
folly and vain curiosity!) they have inFor as concerning football playing, I vented such strange fashions and monstrous protest unto you it may rather be called a manners of cuttings, trimmings, shavings friendly kind of fight, than a play or rec- and washings, that you would wonder to reation; a bloody and murdering prac- see. They have one manner of cut called tice, than a fellowly sport or pastime. the French cut, another the Spanish cut; For doth not every one lie in wait for his one the Dutch cut, another the Italian; adversary, seeking to overthrow him and one the new cut, another the old; one of to pick him on his nose, though it be upon the bravado fashion, another of the mean hard stones, in ditch or dale, in valley or fashion; one a gentleman's cut, another hill, or what place soever it be he careth the common cut; one cut of the court, not, so he have him down. And he that another of the country, with infinite the can serve the most of this fashion, he is like varieties, which I overpass. They counted the only fellow, and who but he? have also other kinds of cuts innumerSo that by this means, sometimes their able; and therefore when you come to be necks are broken, sometimes their backs, trimmed, they will ask you whether you sometimes their legs, sometimes their will be cut to look terrible to your enemy, arms, sometime one part thrust out of or amiable to your friend, grim and stern joint, sometime another, sometime their in countenance, or pleasant and demure noses gush out with blood, sometime their (for they have divers kinds of cuts for all
these purposes, or else they lie). Then,
THOMAS NASHE when they have done all their feats, it is a world to consider, how their mustachios
FASHIONABLE LADIES must be preserved and laid out, from one
From CHRISTS TEARES OVER cheek to another, yea, almost from one
JERUSALEM ear to another, and turned up like two horns towards the forehead. Besides that, Ever since Evah was tempted, and the when they come to the cutting of the hair, serpent prevailed with her, women have what snipping and snapping of the scissors took upon them both the person of the is there, what tricking and trimming, what tempted and the tempter. They tempt rubbing, what scratching, what combing to be tempted, and not one of them, except and clawing, what trickling and toying, she be tempted, but thinks herself conand all to tawe out money, you may be temptible. Unto the greatness of their sure. And when they come to washing, great-grand-mother Evah they seek to oh how gingerly they behave themselves aspire, in being tempted and tempting. therein. For then shall your mouth be If not to tempt, and be thought worthy to bossed with the lather or foam that riseth be tempted, why dye they and diet their of the balls (for they have their sweetballs faces with so many drugs as they do, as wherewithal they use to wash); your eyes it were to correct God's workmanship, and closed must be anointed therewith also.
reprove Him as a bungler, and one that Then snap go the fingers, full bravely, God is not his craftsmaster? Why ensparkle wot. Thus this tragedy ended, comes they their eyes with spiritualized distilme warm cloths to wipe and dry him lations? Why tip they their tongues withal; next, the ears must be picked, and with aurum potabile (liquid gold)? Why closed together again artificially forsooth; fill they age's frets with fresh colors? the hair of the nostrils cut away, and every Even as roses and flowers in winter are thing done in order comely to behold. preserved in close houses under earth, so The last action in this tragedy is the pay- preserve they their beauties by continued ment of money. And lest these cunning İying in bed. barbers might seem unconscionable in Just to dinner they will arise, and after asking much for their pains, they are of dinner go to bed again, and lie until supper. such a shamefast modesty, as they will Yea, sometimes (by no sickness occaask nothing at all, but standing to the sioned) they will lie in bed three days tocourtesy and liberality of the giver, they gether: provided every morning before will receive all that comes, how much so- four o'clock, they have their broths and ever it be, not giving any again, I warrant their cullises, with pearl and gold sodden you: for take a barber with that fault, in them. If haply they break their hours and strike off his head. No, no, such and rise more early to go a banquetting, fellows are rarae aves in terris, nigrisque they stand practising half a day with their simillimi cygnis: rare birds upon the looking-glasses, how to pierce and to glance earth, and as geason as black swans. You and look alluringly amiable. Their feet shall have also your orient perfumes for are not so well framed to the measures, your nose, your fragrant waters for your as are their eyes to move and bewitch. face, wherewith you shall be all to be- Even as angels are painted in churchsprinkled: your music again, and pleasant windows with glorious golden fronts beset harmony, shall sound in your ears, and all with sunbeams, so beset they their foreto tickle the same with vain delight. And heads on either side with glorious borin the end your cloak shall be brushed, rowed gleamy bushes; which, rightly inand “God be with you, gentleman!” terpreted, should signify beauty to sell,
since a bush is not else hanged forth but to invite men to buy. And in Italy, when they set any beast to sale, they crown his head with garlands, and bedeck it with pure skins in the grave, as now you have gaudy blossoms, as full as ever it may cuts, jags or raisings, upon your garments. stick.
In the marrow of your bones snakes shall Their heads, with their top and top- breed. Your morn-like crystal countegallant lawn baby-caps, and snow-re- nances shall be netted over and (masquersembled silver curlings, they make a plain like) caul-visarded with crawling venompuppet stage of. In their curious antic- ous worms. Your orient teeth toads shall woven garments, they imitate and mock steal into their heads for pearl; of the jelly the worms and adders that must eat them. of your decayed eyes shall they engender They shew the swellings of their mind, in them young. In their hollow caves (their the swellings and plumpings out of their transplendent juice so pollutionately emapparel. Gorgeous ladies of the court, ployed), shelly snails shall keep house. never was I admitted so near any of you, Oh, what is beauty more than a windas to see how you torture poor old Time blown bladder, that it should forget with sponging, pinning, and pouncing; whereto it is born? It is the food of cloybut they say his sickle you have burst in ing concupiscence, living; and the subtwain, to make your periwigs more elevated stance of the most noisome infection, being arches of.
dead. The mothers of the justest men are I dare not meddle with ye, since the not freed from corruption, the mothers of philosopher that too intentively gazed on kings and emperors are not freed from the stars, stumbled and fell into a ditch; corruption. No gorgeous attire (man or and many gazing too immoderately on our woman) hast thou in this world, but the earthly stars, fall in the end into the ditch wedding garment of faith. Thy windingof all uncleanness. Only this humble sheet shall see thee on none of thy silks or caveat let me give you by the way, that shining robes; to show they are not of you look the devil come not to you in the God, when thou goest to God, thou shalt likeness of a tailor or a painter; that how- lay them all off. Then shalt thou restore ever you disguise your bodies, you lay not to every creature what thou hast robbed on your colours so thick that they sink him of. All the leases which dust let out into your souls; that your skins being too to life, at the day of death shall be returned white without, your souls be not all black again into his hands. In skins of beasts within.
Adam and Eve were clothed; in nought It is not your pinches, your purls, your but thine own skin at the day of Judgment flowery jaggings, superfluous interlacings, shalt thou be clothed. If thou beest more and puffings up, that can any way offend deformed than the age wherein thou diedst God, but the puffing up of your souls, should make thee, the devil shall stand which therein you express. For as the up and certify, that with painting and biting of a bullet is not that which poisons physicing thy visage thou so deformedst it; the bullet, but the lying of the gunpowder whereto God shall reply, “What have I to in the dint of the biting: so it is not the do with thee, thou painted sepulchre? wearing of costly burnished apparel that Thou hast so differenced and divorced thyshall be objected unto you for sin, but the self from thy creation, that I know thee not pride of your hearts, which (like the moth) for my creature. The print of my finger lies closely shrouded amongst the threads thou hast defaced, and with arts-vanishing of that apparel. Nothing else is garish varnishment made thyself a changeling apparel but pride's ulcer broken forth. from the form I first cast thee in; Satan, How will you attire yourselves, what take her to thee, with black boiling pitch gown, what head-tire will you put on, when rough-cast over her counterfeit red and you shall live in hell amongst hags and white; and whereas she was wont in ass's devils?
milk to bathe her to engrain her skin more As many jags, blisters and scars shall gentle, pliant, delicate and supple, in bubtoads, cankers and serpents make on your bling scalding lead, and fatty flame-feeding