R. 27. The Professionary Rule is, to frame a story, and swear you were present at an event where every man talked in his own calling; ex. gr. Major swears, he was present at the seizing of a pick pocket by a great rabble in Smithfield; and that he heard

A Tailor say, "Send the dog to Hell."

The Cook, "Let me be at him, I'll baste him."

The Joiner, "It is plain the dog was caught in the fact; I saw him."

The Blacksmith, "He is a fine spark indeed !"
The Butcher," Knock down the shambling cur."
The Glazier," Make the light shine through bim."
The Bookseller," Bind him over."

The Sadler, "Pummel him."

An improvement on this Rule, which Dr. Swift has adopted in his "Full and true Account of Wood's Procession to the Gallows," attracted the following warm applause of the noble Author of the Remarks. "I have said so much in one of my former letters of the cause which gave rise to them [the Drapier's Letters], and of the effect which they had upon the nation, that I need say no more in this place, than to recommend them to your perusal, for the style and conduct of their manner: but, lest they may ap pear too grave to so young a man, and one who is so little interested in the present, and much less in the past affairs of Ireland, you will find a paper at the end of them that will excite your risibility, or I am mistaken.-The whole is a piece of ridicule too powerful for the strongest gravity to withstand." Orrery's Remarks, p. 126.-Yet what at last is this merry-making machine? Why the author describes the several artificers attending W. Wood (represented by a log of timber) to the gallows, and each of them expressing his resentment in the terms of his calling: the cook will baste him; the bookseller will turn over a new leaf with him; the tailor will sit on his skirts. His lordship then leads up the laugh, with Risum teneatis, amici ? If he did not, we should want such a note as the prudent parson put to the pathetick part of his funeral sermon. Here pull out your handkerchief, and weep. Every apprentice, who has not sense enough to learn his art, is soon able to apply the terms of it to this kind of banter and ridicule. And though I blame not the Drapier for falling into it, as it was characteristick of the persons he describes, and suited to the taste of those for whom he wrote, yet own I am too phlegmatick to shake my sides at it. W. B.

The Farmer, "Thrash the dog."

A Popish Priest going by, "I'll make the Devil fly out of

bim."

R. 28. The Brazen-head Rule is when a Punster stands his ground against a whole company, though there is not one to side with him, to the utter destruction of all conversation but his own.

As for

you an

instance says one, "I hate a pun."-Then he, "When a pun is meant, is it a punishment?"—" Deuce take your quibbling?"-" Sir, I will not bate ace, cinque me if I do; and I'll make you know that I am a sice above you.' "This fellow cannot talk out of his element."- "To divert you, was all I

meant."

R. 29. The Hypothetick Rule * is, when you suppose things hardly consistent to be united for the. sake of a pun as for instance-suppose a person in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs upon every part of his face but the handle of it; why would he make the longest verses in the world? Ans. Versos Alexandrinos, ise. All-eggs-and-dry-nose.

R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that punning is free of all languages: as, for the Latin Romanos, you may say "Roman nose"-Temeraria, "Tom, where are you?"- ·Oxoniæ prospectus, " Pox on you, pray speak to us." For the French, quelque chose, you may say in English "kick shoes." When one says of a thief, "I wish he was transported ;' answer, "he is already fur enough." Dr. Swift made an excellent advantage of this rule one night: when a certain peevish gentleman in his company had lost his spectacles, he bid him " have a good heart; for, if it continued raining all night, he would find them in the morning."-" Pray how so?". -"Why, sir,

"Nocte pluit tota, redeunt spectacula manè."

* Improved by Dr. Swift into "A Discourse to prove the Antiquity of the English Tongue." N.

R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man speaks any thing that comes uppermost, and some good pun-finder discovers what he never meant in it; then he is to say, "You have hit it!" As major

did: complaining that he staid at home by reason of an issue in a leg, which was just beginning to run, he was answered by Mr., "I wonder that you should be confined, who have such running legs." The Major replied, "You have hit it; for I

meant that."

R. 32. The Rule of Scandal

Never to speak well of another Punster; ex. gr. "Who, he! Lord, sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo;" or, "He does not know the meaning of synonymous words;" or, "He never rose so high as a conundrum or a carry whichit."

R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a man conning a pun softly to himself, to whip it out of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for your own as for instance; Mustard happened to be mentioned in company where I was; and a gentleman, with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was at Mus—mus, sinapi-snap eye -bite nose-One in company, overhearing him, bit him, and snapped it up; and said, "Mustard is the stoutest seed in the world, for it takes the greatest men by the nose."

R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change one syllable for another; by this, you may either lop off, insert, or add to a word; ex. gr.

Church,-Kirk,

For Bangor-Clangor.
Presbyter,-Has-biter, &c.

This Rule is of such consequence, that a man was once tried for his life by it. The case was thus: A certain man was brought before a judge of assize, for murder; his lordship asked his name, and, being answered Spillman, the judge said, "Take away Sp,..

and his name is Ill-man; put K to it, and it is Killman: away with him, gaoler; his very name has hanged him." This 34th Rule, on this occasion, became a rule of court, and was so well liked, that a justice of peace, who shall be nameless, applied every tittle of it to a man brought to him upon the same account, after this manner: " O Come, sir, I conjure you, as I am one of his majesty's justices of the peace, to tell me your name.' "My name, an't please you, is Watson."-" O ho, sir! Watson! mighty well! Take away Sp from it, and it is IIIman, and put K to it, and it is Kill-man: away with him, constable; his very name will hang him."

Let us now consider a new case; as, for instance, "The Church of England as by Law established." Put a T before it, and it is Test-ablished: take away the Test, and put in o, and it is A-bolished.

How much was the late ingenious author of Parson Alberoni obliged to it, in that very natural story which he framed concerning the preacher; where he tells you, one of the congregation called the Minister an Humbassandor for an Ambassador *.

The story here alluded to is told in a pamphlet, entitled, “A modest Apology for Parson Alberoni, Governor to King Philip, a Minor, and universal Curate of the whole Spanish Monarchy, &c. by Thomas Gordon esq. 1719; and is as follows: "There is, in a certain diocese in this nation, a living worth about six hundred pounds a year. This, and two or three more preferments, maintain the doctor in becoming ease and corpulency. He keeps a chariot in town, and a journeyman in the country; and his curate and his coach-horses are his equal drudges, saving that the four-legged cattle are better fed, and have sleeker Cassocks, than his spiritual drayhorse. The doctor goes down once a year, to sheer his flock, and fill his pockets, or, in other words, to receive the wages of his embassy; and then, some. times in an afternoon, if his belly do not happen to be too full, he vouchsafes to mount the pulpit, and to instruct his people in the greatness of his character and dullness. This composes the whole parish to rest; but the doctor one day denouncing himself "the Lord's Ambassader with greater fire and loudness than could

Give me leave, 'courteous reader, to recommend to your perusal and practice this most excellent Rule, which is of such universal use and advantage to the learned world, that the most valuable discoveries, both as to antiquities and etymologies, are made by it; nay, farther, I will venture to say, that all words which are introduced to enrich and make a language copious, beautiful, and harmonious, arise chiefly from this Rule. Let any man but consult Bentley's Horace, and he will see what useful discoveries that very learned Gentleman has made by the help of this Rule; or indeed poor Horace would have lain under the eternal reproach of making a fox eat oats," had not the learned doctor, with great judgment and penetration, found out nitedula to be a blunder of the librarians for

have been reasonably expected from him, it roused a clown of the congregation, who waked his next neighbour, with, Dost hear, Tom, dost hear '-' Ay,' says Tom, yawning, what does he Say?' answered the other; he says a plaguy lie, to say be sure; he says as how he is my Lord's Humbassandor; but I think he is more rather the Lord's Receiver General, for he never comes but to take money.' Six hundred pounds a year is, modestly speaking, a competent fee for lulling the largest congregation in England asleep once in a twelvemonth. Such tithes are the price of napping; and such mighty odds there are between a curtain lecture and a cushion lecture." See the collection of Tracts by Gordon and Trenchard, vol. I, p. 130.—Mr. Gordon was a Scotchman, and came to London very young in order to seek his fortune. He was soon taken notice of by Mr. Trenchard, and, in conjunction with him, wrote Cato's Letters, and many political and other Pamphlets. On Mr. Trenchard's death, he married his widow; and some time after he received a great addition to his fortune, by a very considerable bequest made to him by the will of a country physician, to whom he was only known by his writings. He was many years a writer in defence of the measures of sir Robert Walpole, afterward lord Orford. To this minister he dedicated his Translation of Tacitus, and was by him appointed one of the Commissioners of the Wine Licence Office, a place which he held at the time of his death, which happened July 28, 1750. N.