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One hates an author, that's all author, Oh, Mirth and Innocence! Oh, Milk and fellows

Water! In foolscap uniforms turn’d up with ink, Ye happy mixtures of more happy days! So

very anxious, clever, fine, and jealous, In these sad centuries of sin and slaughter, One don't know what so say to them, or Abominable Man no more allays

think,

His thirst with such pure beverage. No Unless to puff them with a pair of bellows;

matter, Of coxcombry's worst coxcombs e’en the I love you both, and both shall have my pink

praise: Are preferable to these shreds of paper, Oh, for old Saturn's reign of sugar-candy!These unquench'd snuffings of the midnight- Meantime I drink to your return in brandy.

taper.

Our Laura's Turk still kept his eyes upon of these same we see several, and of others,

her, Men of the world, who know the world Less in the Mussulman than Christian way,

like men,

Which seems to say, “Madam, I do you S-tt, R-9, M-re, and all the better

honour, brothers,

And while I please to stare, you'll please Who think of something else besides the

to stay ;” pen;

Could staring win a woman this had won But for the children of the “mighty

her, mother's,"

But Laura could not thus be led astray, The wonld-be wits and can't be gentlemen, She had stood fire too long and well to I leave them to their daily “tea is ready,”

boggle Smug coterie, and literary lady.

Even at this stranger's most outlandish ogle.

reap ill)

The poor dear Mussulwomen whom I The morning now was on the point of mention

breaking, Have none of these instructive pleasant A turn of time at which I would advise

people,

Ladies who have been dancing, or partaking And one would seem to them a new invention, In any other kind of exercise, Unknown as bells within a Turkish steeple; To make their preparations for forsaking I think 'twould almost be worth while to The ball-room ere the sun begins to rise,

pension

Because when once the lamps and candles (Though best-sown projects very often

fail,

His blushes make them look a little pale. A missionary author, just to preach Our Christian usage of the parts of speech.

I've seen some balls and revels in my time,

And staid them over for some silly reason, No chemistry for them unfolds her gasses, And then I look'd (I hope it was no crime), No metaphysics are let loose in lectures, To see what lady hest stood out the season; No circulating library amasses

And though I've seen some thousands in Religious novels, moral tales, and strictures

their prime, Upon the living manners as they pass us; Lovely and pleasing, and who still may No exhibition glares with annual pictures;

please on, They stare not on the stars from out their I never saw but one (the stars withdrawn),

attics,

Whose bloom could after dancing dare Nor deal (thank God for that!) in mathe

the dawn. matics.

The name of this Aurora I'll not mention, Why I thank God for that is no great matter, Although I might, for she was nought I have my reasons, you no doubt suppose,

to me And as, perhaps, they would not highly More than that patent-work of God's inflatter,

vention, I'll keep them for my life (to come) in A charming woman, whom we like to see;

prose;

But writing names would merit reprehenI fear I have a little turn for satire,

sion, And yet methinks the older that one grows Yet if you like to find out this fair she, Inclines us more to laugh than scold, though At the next London or Parisian ball

laughter

You still may mark her cheek, out-bloomLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

ing all.

Laura, who knew it would not do at all She said, - what could she say? Why not To meet the daylight after seven hours

a word : sitting

But the Count courteously invited in Among three thousand people at a ball, The stranger, much appeased by what lie To make her curtsy thought it right and

heard : fitting;

“Such things perhaps we'd best discuss The Count was at her elbow with her shawl,

within," And they the room were on the point of Said he, “don't let us make ourselves absurd

quitting,

In public, by a scene, nor raise a din, When lo! those cursed gondoliers had got For then the chief and only satisfaction Just in the very place where they should not. Will be much quizzing on the whole trans

action."

cause

same.

In this they're like our coachmen, and the

They enter'd, and for coffee callid.- it came, Is much the same-the crowd, and pulling, A beverage for Turks and Christians both,

hanling,

Although the way they make it's not the With blasphemies enough to break their

jaws,

Now Laura, much recover'd, or less lothi They make a never intermitted bawling. To speak, cries “Beppo! what's your paganAt home, our Bow-street gemmen keep the

name? laws'.

Bless me! your beard is of amazing And here a sentry stands within your calling;

growth! But, for all that, there is a deal of swearing, And how came you to keep away so long? And nauseous words past mentioning or Are you not sensible 'twas very wrong?

bearing.

“And are you really, truly, now a Turk? The Count and Laura found their boat at With any other women did you wive?

last,

Is't true they use their fingers for a fork? And homeward floated o’er the silent Well, that's the prettiest shawl--as I'm tide,

alive! Discussing all the dances gone and past ; You'll give it me? They say you eat no The dancers and their dresses, too, beside;

pork. Some little scandals eke: but all aghast And how so many years did you contrive (As to their palace - stairs the rowers To-Bless me! did I ever? No, I never

glide),

Saw a man grown so yellow! How's your Sate Laura by the side of her Adorer,

liver? When lo! the Mussulman was there before

her.

“Beppo! that beard of yours becomes you not,

It shall be shaved before you're a day Sir,” said the Count, with brow exceeding

older: grave,

Why do you wear it? Oh! I had forgot-Your unexpected presence here will make Pray don't you think the weather here is It necessary for myself to crave

colder Its import? Bat perhaps 'tis a mistake; How do I look? You shan't stir from this spot I hope it is so; and at once to wave In that queer dress, for fear that some All compliment, I hope so for your sake ;

beholder? You understand my meaning, or you shall." Should find you out, and make the story --Sir,” (quoth the Turk) “'tis no mistake

known. at all. How short your hair is! Lord ! how gray

it's grown!” That lady is my wife!” Much wonder paints The lady's changing cheek, as well it might: What answer Beppo made to these demands, But where an English woman sometimes Is more than I know. He was cast away

faints,

About where Troy stood once, and nothing Italian females don't do so outright;

stands; They only call a little on their saints, Became a slave of course, and for his pay And then come to themselves, almost or Had bread and bastinadoes, till some bands

quite;

of pirates landing in a neighbouring bay, Which saves much hartshorn, salts, and He join'd the rogues and prosper'd, and sprinkling faces,

became And cutting stays, as usual in such cases. | A renegado of indifferent fame.

rash;

But he grew rich, and with his riches grew so Or else the people would perhaps have shot Keen the desire to see his home again,

him; He thought himself in duty bound to do so, And thus at Venice landed to reclaim And not be always thieving on the main; His wife, religion, house, and Christian name. Lonely he felt, at times, as Robin Crusoe, And so he hired a vessel come from Spain, Bound for Corfu; she was a fine polacca, His wife received, the patriarch re-baptized Mann'd with twelve hands, and laden with

him, obacco,

(He made the church a present by the way;) He then threw off the garments which dis

guised him, Himself, and much (heaven knows how And borrow'd the Count's small-clothes for gotten) cash,

a day; He then einbarkd, with risk of life and limb, His friends the more for his long absenco And got clear off, although the attempt was

prized him,

Finding he'd wherewithal to make them gay, He said that Providence protected him – With dinners, where he oft became the For my part, I say nothing, lest we clash

laugh of them, In our opinions :- well, the ship was trim, For stories, -but I don't believe the half Set sail, and kept her reckoning fairly on,

of them. Except three days of calm when off Cape

Bonn.

Whate'er his youth had suffer'd, his old ago

With wealth and talking made him somo They reach'd the island, he transferr'd his

amends ; lading,

Though Laura sometimes put him in a rage, And self and live-stock, to another bottom, I've heard the Count and he were always And pass'd for a true Turkey-merchant,

friends. trading

My pen is at the bottom of a page, With goods of various names, but I've for- Which being finish'd here the story ends ;

got 'em.

Tis to be wish'd it had been sooner done, However, he got off by this evading, But stories somehow lengthen when begun.

DON JU A N.

"Difficile est proprie communia dicere. “

HORACE.

SOW:

.
And fill'd their sign-posts then, like Wel-

lesley now; I

Each in their turn like Banquo's monarchs WANT A hero: an uncominon want,

stalk, When every year and month sends forth a Followers of fame, “nine farrow" of that

new one,
Till, after cloying the gazettes with cant, France, too, had Buonaparté and Dumourier,
The age discovers he is not the true one; Recorded in the Moniteur and Courier.
Of such as these I should not care to vaunt,
I'll therefore take our ancient friend Don

Juan;
We all have seen him in the Pantomime

Barnave, Brissot, Condorcet, Mirabeau, Sent to the devil, somewhat ere his time.

Petion, Clootz, Danton, Marat, La Fayette,
Were French and famous people,as we know;

And there were others, scarce forgotten yet, Vernon, the butcher Cumberland, Wolfe, Joubert, Hoche, Marceau, Lannes, Dessais, Hawke,

Moreau, Prince Ferdinand, Granby, Burgoyne, Kep- With many of the military set,

pel, Howe, Exceedingly remarkable at times, Evil and good, have had their tithe of talk, ! But not at all adapted to my rhymes.

Nelson was once Britannia's god of war, His mother was a learned lady, famed
And still should be so, but the tide is turn'd; For every branch of every science known-
There's no more to be said of Trafalgar, In every christian language ever named,
"Tis with our hero quietly inurn’d; With virtues equallid by her wit alone,
Because the army's grown more popular, She made the cleverest people quite ashamed,
At which the naval people are concern'd: And even the good with inward envy groan,
Besides, the Prince is all for the land-service, Finding themselves so very much exceeded
Forgetting Duncan, Nelson, Howe,andJervis. In their own way by the things that

she did.

same none;

Brave men were living before Agamemnon
And since exceeding valorous and sage, Her memory was a mine: she;knew by heart
A good deal like him too, though quite the All Calderon and greater part of Lope,

So that if any actor miss'd his part
But then they shone not on the poet's page, She could have served him for the prompt-
And so have been forgotten :- I condemn

none,

For her Feinagle's were a useless art, But can't find any in the present age And he himself obliged to shut up shop-he Fit for my poem (that is, for my new one); Could never make a memory so fine as So, as I said, I'll take my friend Don Juan. That which adorn’d the brain of Donna Incz.

er's copy;

Most epic poets plunge in “medias res,” Her favourite science was the mathematical, (Horace makes this the heroic turnpike- Her noblest virtue was her magnanimity,

road),

Her wit (she sometimes tried at wit) was And then your hero tells, whene'er you

Attic all, please,

Her serious sayings darken'd to sublimity; What went before- by way of episode, In short, in all things she was fairly what While seated after dinner at his ease,

I call Beside his mistress in some soft abode, A prodigy-her morning-dress was dimity, Palace, or garden, paradise, or cavern, Her evening silk, or, in the summer, muslin, Which serves the happy couple for a tavern. And other stuffs, with which I won't stay

puzzling.

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That is the usual method, but not mine-
My way is to begin with the beginning; She knew the Latin - that is, “the Lord's
The regularity of my design

prayer," Forbids all wandering as theworst ofsinning, And Greek—the alphabat I'ın nearly sure; And therefore I shall open with a line She read some French romances here and (Although it cost me halfan hour in spinning)

there. Narrating somewhat of Don Juan's father, Although her mode of speaking was not And also of his mother, if you'd rather.

pure ; For native Spanish she had no great care,

At least her conversation was obscure; In Seville was he born, a pleasant city, Her thoughts were theorems, her words a Famous for oranges and women – - he

problem, Who has not seen it will be much to pity, As if she deem'd that mystery would enSo says the proverb - and I quite agree;

noble 'em. Of all the Spanish towns is none more

pretty, Cadiz perhaps—but that you soon may see:- She liked the English and the Hebrew tongue, Don Juan's parents lived beside the river, And said there was analogy between 'em; A noble stream, and call’d the Guadalquivir. She proved it somehow out of sacred song,

But I must leave the proofs to those who've

seen 'em ; His father's name was Jóse - Don, of course, But this I heard her say, and can't be wrong, A true Hidalgo, free from every stain And all may think which way their judgOf voor or Hebrew blood, he traced his

ments lean 'em,

“ 'Tis strange—the Hebrew noun which Through the most Gothic gentlemen of

means “I amn," Spain;

The English always use to govern d-n." A better cavalier ne'er mounted horse, Or being mounted, e'er got down again, Than Jóse, who begot our hero, who Regot- but that's to come-Well, to renew :

sollrce

you all?

In short she was a walking calculation, That you might "brain them with their Miss Edgeworth's novels stepping from their

lady's fan;" covers,

And sometimes ladies hit exceeding hard, Or Mrs. Trimmer's books on education, And fans turn into falchions in fair hands, Or “Coelebs'. Wile” set out in quest of And why and wherefore no one understands.

lovers, Morality's prim personification, In which not Envy's self a flaw discovers; 'Tis pity learned virgins ever wed To others' share let --female crrors fall,” With persons of no sort of education, For she had not even one - the worst of all. Or gentlemen, who, though well-born and

bred,

Grow tired of scientific conversation : Oh! she was perfect past all parallel - I don't choose to say much upon this head, of any modern female saint's comparison ; I'm a plain man and in a single station, So far above the cunning powers of hell, But-Oh! ye lords of ladies intellectual, Her guardian angel had given up his gar- Inform us truly, have they not hen-peck'd

rison; Eren her minutest motions went as well As those of the best time-piece made by

Harrison :

Don Jóse and his lady quarrellid-why, In virtues nothing earthly could surpass her, Not any of the many could divine, Save thine "incomparable oil," Macassar! Though several thousand people chose to

try,

Twas surely no concern of theirs nor mine : Perfect she was, but as perfection is I loathe that low vice curiosity: Insipid in this naughty world of ours, But if there's any thing in which I shine, Where our first parents never learn'd to kiss 'Tis in arranging all my friends' affairs, Till they were exiled from their earlier Not having, of my own, domestic cares.

bowers, Where all was peace, and innocence, and

bliss,

And so I interfered, and with the best (I wonder how they got through the twelve Intentions, but their treatment was not

hours) Don Jóse like a lineal son of Eve,

I think the foolish people were possess'd, Went plucking various fruit without her For neither of them could I ever find,

leave.

Although their porter afterwards confessid-
But that's no matter, and the worst behind,

For little Juan o'er me threw, down stairs,
He was a mortal of the careless kind, A pail of housemaid's water unawares.
With no great love for learning, or the

learn'd, Who chose to go where'er he had a mind, A little curly-headed, good-for-nothing, And never dream'd his lady was concern'd: And mischief-making monkey from his The world, as usual, wickedly inclined

birth; To see a kingdom or a house o’erturn'd, His parents ne'er agreed except in doting Whisper'd he had a mistress, some said two, Upon the most unquiet imp on earth ; But for domestic quarrels one will do. Instead of quarrelling, had they been but

both in

Their senses, they'd have sent young master Now Donna Inez had with all her merit,

forth A great opinion of her own good qualities; To school, or had him soundly whipp'd Neglect, indeed, requires a saint to bear it,

at home, And such, indeed, she was in her moralities; To teach him manners for the time to come. But then she had a devil of a spirit, And sometimes mix'd up fancies with re

alities,

Don Jóse and the Donna Inez led And let few opportunities escape

For some time an unhappy sort of life, Of getting her liege lord into a scrape. Wishing each other, not divorced, but

dead;

They lived respectably as man and wife, This was an easy matter with a man Their conduct was exceedingly well-bred, Oft in the wrong, and never on his guard; And gave no outward signs of inward strife, And even the wisest, do the best they can, Until at length the smother'd fire broke out, Have moments, hours, and days, so unpre- And put the business past all kind of pared,

doubt.

kind;

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