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One hates an author, that's all author, Oh, Mirth and Innocence! Oh, Milk and fellows

Water! In foolscap uniforms turn’d up with ink, Ye happy mixtures of more happy days! So very anxious, clever, fine, and jealous, In these sad centuries of sin and slaughter, One don't know what so say to them, or Abominable Man no more allays


His thirst with such pure beverage. No Unless to puff them with a pair of bellows;

matter, Of coxcombry's worst coxcombs e'en the I love you both, and both shall have my pink

praise: Are preferable to these shreds of paper, Oh, for old Saturn's reign of sugar-candy! These unquench'd snuffings of the midnight- Meantime I drink to your return in brandy.


Our Laura's Turk still kept his eyes upon of these same we see several, and of others,

her, Men of the world, who know the world Less in the Mussulman than Christian way,

like men,

Which seems to say, “Madam, I do you S-tt, R-S, M-re, and all the better

honour, brothers,

And while I please to stare, you'll please Who think of something else besides the

to stay ;” pen;

Could staring win a woman this had won But for the children of the “mighty

her, mother'n,"

But Laura could not thus be led astray, The wonld-be wits and can't be gentlemen, She had stood fire too long and well to I leave them to their daily “tea is ready,"

boggle Smug coterie, and literary lady.

Even at this stranger's most outlandish ogle.

reap ill)

The poor dear Mussulwomen whom I The morning now was on the point of mention

breaking Have none of these instructive pleasant A turn of time at which I would advise


Ladies who have been dancing, or partaking And one would seem to them a new invention, In any other kind of exercise, Unknown as bells within a Turkish steeple; To make their preparations for forsaking I think twould almost be worth while to The ball-room ere the sun begins to rise,


Because when once the lamps and candles (Though best-sown projects very often


His blushes make them look a little pale. A missionary author, just to preach Our Christian usage of the parts of speech.

I've seen some balls and revels in my time,

And staid them over for some silly reason, No chemistry for them unfolds her gasses, And then I look'd (I hope it was no crime), No metaphysics are let loose in lectures, To see what lady best stood out the season; No circulating library amasses

And though I've seen some thousands in Religious novels, moral tales, and strictures

their prime, Upon the living manners as they pass us; Lovely and pleasing, and who still may No exhibition glares with annual pictures;

please on, They stare not on the stars from out their I never saw but one (the stars withdrawn),


Whose bloom could after dancing dare Nor deal (thank God for that!) in mathe

the dawn. matics.

The name of this Aurora I'll not mention, Why I thank God for that is no great matter, Although I might, for she was nought I have my reasons, you no doubt suppose,

to me And as, perhaps, they would not highly More than that patent-work of God's inflatter,

vention, l'll keep them for my life (to come) in A charming woman, whom we like to see;


But writing names would merit reprehenI fear I have a little turn for satire,

sion, And yet methinks the older that one grows Yet if you like to find out this fair she, Inclines us more to laugh than scold, though At the next London or Parisian ball


You still may mark her cheek, out-bloomLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

ing all.

Laura, who knew it would not do at all She said, - what could she say? Why not To meet the daylight after seven hours

a word : sitting

But the Count courteously invited in Among three thousand people at a ball, The stranger, much appeased by what he To make her curtsy thought it right and

heard : fitting;

“Such things perhaps we'd best discuss The Count was at her elbow with her shawl,

within," And they the room were on the point of Said he, “don't let us make ourselves absurd


In public, by a scene, nor raise a din, When lo! those cursed gondoliers had got For then the chief and only satisfaction Just in the very place where they should not. Will be much quizzing on the whole trans




In this they're like our coachmen, and the

They enter'd, and for coffee callid, --it came, Is much the same-- the crowd, and pulling, A beverage for Turks and Christians both,


Although the way they make it's not the With blasphemies enough to break their


Now Laura, much recover'd, or less loth They make a never intermitted bawling. To speak, cries “Beppo! what's your paganAt home, our Bow-street gemmen keep the

name? laws',

Bless me! your beard is of amazing And here a sentry stands within your calling;

growth! But, for all that, there is a deal of swearing, And how came you to keep away so long? And nauseous words past mentioning or Are you not sensible 'twas very wrong?


“And are you really, truly, now a Turk? The Count and Laura found their boat at With any other women did you wive?


Is't true they use their fingers for a fork ? And homeward floated o'er the silent Well, that's the prettiest shawl-as I'm tide,

alive! Discussing all the dances gone and past ; You'll give it me? They say you eat no The dancers and their dresses, too, beside;

pork. Some little scandals eke: but all aghast And how so many years did you contrive (As to their palace - stairs the rowers To_Bless me! did I ever? No, I never


Saw a man grown so yellow! How's your Sate Laura by the side of her Adorer,

liver? When lo! the Mussulman was there before


“Beppo! that beard of yours becomes you not,

It shall be shaved before you're a day --Sir," said the Count, with brow exceeding

older: grave,

Why do you wear it? Oh! I had forgotYour unexpected presence here will make Pray don't you think the weather here is It necessary for myself to crave

colder Its import? But perhaps 'tis a mistake; How do I look? You shan't stir from this spot I hope it is so; and at once to wave In that queer dress, for fear that some All compliment, I hope so for your sake;

beholder? You understand my meaning, or you shall.Should find you out, and make the story -Sir," (quoth the Turk) “'tis no mistake

known. at all. How short your hair is ! Lord! how gray

it's grown!”

That lady is my wife!Much wonder paints
The lady's changing cheek, as well it might: What answer Beppo made to these demands,
But where an English woman sometimes Is more than I know. He was cast away


About where Troy stood once, and nothing Italian females don't do so outright;

stands; They only call a little on their saints, Became a slave of course, and for his pay And then come to themselves, almost or Had bread and bastinadoes, till some bands


Of pirates landing in a neighbouring bay, Which saves much hartshorn, salts, and He joind the rogues and prosperd, and sprinkling faces,

became And cutting stays, as usual in such cases. | A renegado of indifferent fame.

But he grew rich, and with his riches grew 80 Or else the people would perhaps have sbos Keen the desire to see his home again,

him ; He thought himself in duty bound to do so, And thus at Venice landed to reclaim And not be always thieving on the main; His wife, religion, house, and Christian name. Lonely he felt, at times, as Robin Crusoe, And so he hired a vessel come from Spain, Bound for Corfu; she was a fine polacca, His wife received, the patriarch re-baptized Mann'd with twelve hands, and laden with

him, tobacco.

(He made the church a present by the way;) He then threw off the garments which dis

guised him, Himself, and much (heaven knows how And borrow'd the Count's small-clothes for gotten) cash,

a day; He then embark'd, with risk of life and limb, His friends the more for his long absenco And got clear off, although the attempt was

prized him, rash;

Finding he'd wherewithal to make them gay, He said that Providence protected him With dinners, where he oft became the For my part, I say nothing, lest we clash

laugh of them, In our opinions :- well, the ship was trim, For stories, – but I don't believe the half Set sail, and kept her reckoning fairly on,

of them. Except three days of calm when off Cape


Whate'er his youth had sufferd, his old ago

With wealth and talking made him some They reach'd the island, he transferr'd his

amends ; lading,

Though Laura sometimes put him in a rage, And self and live-stock, to another bottom, I've heard the Count and he were always And pass'd for a true Turkey-merchant,

friends. trading

My pen is at the bottom of a page, With goods of various names, but I've for- Which being finish'd here the story ends ;

Tis to be wish'd it had been sooner done, However, he got off by this evading, But stories somehow lengthen when begun.

got 'em.


"Difficile est proprie communia dicere."




And fill'd their sign-posts then, like Wel-

lesley now; I want a hero: an uncominon want,

Each in their turn like Banquo's monarchs

stalk, When every year and month sends forth a Followers of fame, “nine farrow" of that

new one,
Till, after cloying the gazettes with cant, France, too, had Buonaparté and Dumourier,
The age discovers he is not the true one; Recorded in the Moniteur and Courier.
Of such as these I should not care to vaunt,
I'll therefore take our ancient friend Don

We all have seen him in the Pantomime

Barnave, Brissot, Condorcet, Mirabeau, Sent to the devil, somewhat ere his time.

Petion, Clootz, Danton, Marat, La Fayette,
Were French,and famous people as we know;

And there were others, scarce forgotten yet, Vernon, the butcher Cumberland, Wolfe, Joubert, Hoche, Marceau, Lannes, Dessaix, Hawke,

Moreau, Prince Ferdinand, Granby, Burgoynė, Kep. With many of the military set,

pel, Howe, Exceedingly remarkable at times, Evil and good, have had their tithe of talk, ! But not at all adapted to my rhymes.

Nelson was once Britannia's god of war, His mother was a learned lady, famed
And still shonld be so, but the tide is turnd; For every branch of every science known-
There's no more to be said of Trafalgar, In every christian language ever named,
Tis with our hero quietly inurn'd ; With virtues equall'd by her wit alone,
Because the army's grown more popular, She made the cleverest people quite ashamed,
At which the naval people are concern'd: And even the good with inward envy groan,
Besides, the Prince is all for the land-servicc, Finding themselves so very much exceeded
Forgetting Duncan, Nelson, Howe,andJervis. In their own way by all the things that

she did.

Brave men were living before Agamemnon
And since exceeding valorous and sage, Her memory was a mine: she knew by heart
A good deal like him too, though quite the All Calderon and greater part of Lope,

same none; So that if any actor miss'd his part But then they shone not on the poet's page, She could have served him for the promptAnd so have been forgotten :-I condemn

er's copy; none,

For her Feinagle's were a useless art, But can't find any in the present age And he himself obliged to shut up shop-he Fit for my poem (that is, for my new one); Could never make a memory so fine as So, as I said, I'll take my friend Don Juan. That which adorn'd the brain of Donna Incz.

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Most epic poets plunge in “medias res," Her favourite science was the mathematical, (Horace makes this the heroic turnpike- Her noblest virtue was her magnanimity,


Her wit (she sometimes tried at wit) was And then your hero tells, whene'er you

Attic all, please,

Her serious sayings darken’d to sublimity; What went before- by way of episode, In short, in all things she was fairly what While seated after dinner at his ease,

I call Beside his mistress in some soft abode, A prodigy-her morning-dress was dimity, Palace, or garden, paradise, or cavern, Her evening silk, or, in the summer, muslin, Which serves the happy couple for a tavern. And other stuffs, with which I won't stay

puzzling. That is the usual method, but not mineMy way is to begin with the beginning ; She knew the Latin- that is, the Lord's The regularity of my design

prayer," Forbids all wandering as the worst of sinning, And Greek—the alphabat I'm nearly sure; And therefore I shall open with a line She read some French romances here and (Although it cost me halfan hourin spinning)

there. Narrating somewhat of Don Juan's father, Although her mode of speaking was not And also of his mother, if you'd rather.

pure ; For native Spanish she had no great care,

At least her conversation was obscure; In Seville was he born, a pleasant city, Her thoughts were theorems, her words a Pamous for oranges and wonen - he

problem, Who has not seen it will be much to pity, As if she deem'd that mystery would enSo says the proverb – and I quite agree;

noble 'em. Of all the Spanish towns is none more

pretty, Cadiz perhaps—but that you soon may see:- She liked the English and the Hebrew tongue, Don Juan's parents lived beside the river, And said there was analogy between 'em; A noble stream, and call’d the Guadalquivir. She proved it somehow out of sacred song,

But I must leave the proofs to those who've

seen 'em ; His father's name was Jóse - Don, of course, But this I heard her say, and can't be wrong, A true Hidalgo, free from every stain And all may think which way their judgOf Moor or Hebrew blood, he traced his

ments lean 'em,

" Tis strange—the Hebrew noun which Through the most Gothic gentlemen of

means “I am, Spain;

The English always use to govern d-n." A better cavalier ne'er mounted horse, Or being inonnted, e'er got down again, Than Jósc, who begot our hero, who

: Begot-but that's to come-Well, to renew :


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yon all?

In short she was a walking calculation, That you might "brain them with their Miss Edgeworth's novels stepping from their

lady's fan;"

And sometimes ladies hit exceeding hard, Or Mrs. Trimmer's books on education, And fans turn into falchions in fair hands, Or “Coelels'. Wile” set out in quest of And why and wherefore no one understands.

lovers, Morality's prim personification, In which not Envy's self a flaw discovers ; 'Tis pity learned virgins ever wed To others' share let -female crrors fall," With persons of no sort of education, For she had not even one the worst of all. Or gentlemen, who, though well-born and


Grow tired of scientific conversation : Oh! she was perfect past all parallel - I don't choose to say much upon this head, Of any modern female saint's comparison ; I'm a plain man and in a single station, So far above the cunning powers of hell, But-Oh! ye lords of ladies intellectual, Her guardian angel had given up his gar- Inforın us truly, have they not hen-peck'd

rison ; Eren her minutest motions went as well As thosc of the best time-piece made by

Harrison : Don Jóse and his lady quarrellid-why, In virtues nothing earthly could surpass her, Not any of the many could divine, Save thine “incomparable oil,” Macassar! Though several thousand people chose to


'Twas surely no concern of theirs nor mine: Persect she was, but as perfection is I loathe that low vice curiosity; Insipid in this naughty world of ours, But if there's any thing in which I shine, Where our first parents never learn'd to kiss 'Tis in arranging all my friends' affairs, Till they were exiled from their earlier Not having, of my own, domestic cares.

bowers, Where all was peace, and innocence, and


And so I interfered, and with the best (I wonder how they got through the twelve Intentions, but their treatment was not hours)

kind; Don Jóse like a lineal son of Eve,

I think the foolish people were possess'd, Went plucking various fruit without her For neither of them could I ever find,


Although their porter afterwards confess'd-
But that's no matter, and the worst behind,

For little Juan o'er me threw, down stairs, He was a mortal of the careless kind, A pail of housemaid's water unawares. With no great love for learning, or the

learn'd, Who chose to go where'er he had a mind, A little curly-headed, good-for-nothing, And never dream'd his lady was concern'd: And mischief-making monkey from his The world, as usual, wickedly inclined

birth; To see a kingdom or a house o'erturn'd, His parents ne'er agreed except in doting Whisper'd he had a mistress, some said two, Upon the most unquiet imp on earth ; But for domestic quarrels one will do. Instead of quarrelling, had they been but

both in

Their senses, they'd have sent young master Now Donna Inez had with all her merit,

forth A great opinion of her own good qualities; To school, or had him soundly whipp'd Neglect, indeed, requires a saint to bear it,

at home, And snch, indeed, she was in her moralities; To teach him manners for the time to come. But then she had a devil of a spirit, And sometimes mix'd up fancies with re


Don Jóse and the Donna Inez led And let few opportunities escape

For some time an unhappy sort of life, Of getting her liege lord into a scrape. Wishing each other, not divorced, but


They lived respectably as man and wife, This was an easy matter with a man Their conduct was exceedingly well-bred, Oft in the wrong, and never on his guard; And gave no outward signs of inward strife, And even the wisest, do the best they can, Until at length the smother'd fire broke out, Have moments, hours, and days, so unpre- And put the business past all kind of pared,


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