postman knocks louder here than any where else. My servants smash the crockery, or slam the doors-and when I get .to sleep, my cook, like the head of Memmon, must always sing at sun-rise.

Doct. Then, Mr. Aspen, I have but one thing to advise : you must leave London.

Asp. Sensible fellow !

Doct. Quiet is the only thing to restore composure-and change of air will give you strength.

Asp. You agree, then, in my principle?

Doct Your principle!

Asp. That there is something in the air of London inimical to honesty?

Doct. Sir, I think the admixture of good and bad, is pretty equal everywhere.

Asp. (Aside.) Stupid doctor! I won't give him his fee. (Aloud.) Sir, if you had slaved in a counting-house as I have done from fifteen to fifty, you'd know that it is impossible for a man to live in London and not be a rogue! (Presenting money.) Good morning!

Doct. (Taking it.) Good morning, Mr. Aspen. (Exit.)

Asp. There's a fellow to be called one of the faculty— has n't got a faculty—couldn't see my weakness; what could Vivian mean by recommending such an ass? Vivian said he would be here to-day. Wants me to marry Emily-charming creature-perfect creature-the quietest woman I ever met with-talks in a whisper-walks like a fairy-plays sweetly on the piano. (A knock.) Biggs, I'll see no one; I'm out— I'm dead.

THE REMOVAL.-ANON.

A NERVOUS old gentleman, tired of trade,

By which, though, it seems, he a fortune had made,Took a house 'twixt two sheds, at the skirts of the town, Which he meant, at his leisure, to buy and pull down.

This thought struck his mind when he viewed the estate;
But, alas! when he entered he found it too late;
For in each dwelt a smith:-a more hard-working two
Never doctored a patient, or put on a shoe.

At six in the morning, their anvils, at work, Awoke our good squire, who raged like a Turk : "These fellows," he cried, "such a clattering keep, That I never can get above eight hours of sleep."

From morning till night they keep thumping away,-
No sound but the anvil the whole of the day:
His afternoon's nap, and his daughter's new song,
Were banished and spoiled by their hammers' ding-dong.

He offered each Vulcan to purchase his shop;
But, no! they were stubborn, determined to stop :
At length (both his spirits and health to improve)

He cried, "I'll give each fifty guineas to move."

Agreed!" said the pair; "that will make us amends." "Then come to my house, and let us part friends:

You shall dine; and we'll drink on this joyful occasion, That each may live long in his new habitation."

He gave the two blacksmiths a sumptuous regale,-
He spared not provisions, his wine, nor his ale;
So much was he pleased with the thought that each guest
Would take from him noise, and restore him to rest.

"And now," said he, "tell me, where mean you to move-
I hope to some spot where your trade will improve?"
"Why, sir," replied one, with a grin on his phiz,
"Tom Forge moves to my shop, and I move to his!"

DIFFICULTIES OF A BASHFUL MAN.-ANON.

SIR THOMAS FRIENDLY, who lives about two miles distant, is a Baronet, with an estate joining to that I purchased. He has two sons and five daughters, all grown up, and living, with their mother and a maiden sister of Sir Thomas', at Friendly Hall. Conscious of my unpolished gait, I have, for some time past, taken private lessons of a professor, who teaches "grown gentlemen to dance;" and though I at first found wondrous difficulty in the art he taught, my knowledge of the Mathematics was of prodigious use in teaching me the equilibrium of my body and the due adjustment of the centre of gravity to the five positions. Having acquired the art of walking without tottering, and learned to make a bow, I boldly ventured to obey the Baronet's invitation to a family dinner, not doubting but my new acquirements would enable me to see the ladies with tolerable intrepidity; but, alas! how vain are all the hopes of theory, when unsupported by habitual practice.

Im

As I approached the house, a dinner bell alarmed my fears, lest I had spoiled the dinner by want of punctuality. pressed with this idea, I blushed the deepest crimson, as my name was repeatedly announced by the several livery servants, who ushered me into the library, hardly knowing what or whom I saw. At my first entrance, I summoned all my fortitude, and made my new-learned bow to Lady Friendly; but, unfortunately, in bringing back my left foot to the third position, I trod upon the gouty toe of poor Sir Thomas, who had followed close at my heels, to be the nomenclator of the family. The confusion this occasioned in me is hardly to be conceived, since none but bashful men can judge of my distress. The Baronet's politeness, by degrees, dissipated my concern; and I was astonished to see how far good breeding could enable him to suppress his feelings, and to appear with perfect ease after so painful an accident.

The cheerfulness of her ladyship, and the familiar chat of the young ladies, insensibly led me to throw off my reserve

and sheepishness, till, at length, I ventured to join the conversation, and even to start fresh subjects. The library being richly furnished with books in elegant bindings, I conceived Sir Thomas to be a man of literature, and ventured to give my opinion concerning the several editions of the Greek classics; in which the Baronet's opinion exactly coincided with my own.

To this subject I was led by observing an edition of Xenophon in sixteen volumes, which (as I had never before heard of such a thing) greatly excited my curiosity, and I rose up to examine what it could be. Sir Thomas saw what I was about, and as I supposed, willing to save me trouble, rose to take down the book, which made me more eager to prevent him, and, hastily laying my hand on the first volume, I pulled it forcibly; but lo! instead of books, a board, which by leather and gilding, had been made to look like sixteen volumes, came tumbling down, and unluckily pitched upon a Wedgewood inkstand on the table under it. In vain did Sir Thomas assure me there was no harm; I saw the ink streaming from an inlaid table on the Turkey carpet, and, scarce knowing what I did, attempted to stop its progress with my cambric handkerchief. In the height of this confusion, we were informed that dinner was served up; and I with joy perceived that the bell, which had at first so alarmed my fears, was only the halfhour dinner bell..

In walking through the hall, and suite of apartments to the dinning room, I had time to collect my scattered senses, and was desired to take my seat betwixt Lady Friendly and her eldest daughter at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xenophon my face had been continually burning, like a firebrand; and I was just beginning to recover myself, and to feel comfortably cool, when an unlooked-for accident re-kindled all my heat and blushes. Having set my plate of soup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss Dinah, who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole scalding contents into my lap. In spite of an immediate supply of napkins to wipe the surface of my clothes,

my black silk dress was not stout enough to save me from the painful effects of this sudden fomentation; and for some minutes I seemed to be in a boiling cauldron; but recollecting how Sir Thomas had disguised his torture when I trod upon his toe, I firmly bore my pain in silence, amidst the stifled giggling of the ladies and the servants.

I will not relate the several blunders which I made during the f course, or the distress occasioned by my being desired to carve a fowl, or help to various dishes that stood near me; spilling a sauce boat, and knocking down a salt-cellar rather let me hasten to the second course, where fresh disasters overwhelmed me quite.

:

I had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my fork, when Miss Louisa Friendly begged to trouble me for a pigeon that stood near me. In my haste, scarce knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into my mouth, hot as a burning coal. It was impossible to conceal my agony; my eyes were starting from their sockets. At last, in spite of shame and resolution, I was obliged to drop the cause of torment on my plate. Sir Thomas and the ladies all compassionated my misfortune, and each advised a different application. One recommended oil, another water; but all agreed that wine was the best for drawing out the fire; and a fine glass of sherry was brought me from the sideboard, which I snatched up with eagerness: but, oh! how shall I tell the sequel?

Whether the butler by accident mistook, or purposely designed to drive me mad, he gave me strongest brandy, with which I filled my mouth, already flayed and blistered. Totally unused to every kind of ardent spirits, with my tongue, throat, and palate as raw as beef, what could I do? I could not swallow; and, clapping my hands upon my mouth, the liquor squirted through my fingers like a fountain, over all the dishes; and I was crushed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas reprimand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide her daughters; for the measure of my shame and their diversion was not yet complete.

To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration