. Srx, THE COMFORTS OF A CLUB. [From the fame.] HAVE read in Tavernier, or fome other traveller, of an English merchant who was cured of an inveterate gout by a fevere baftinado, prefcribed by a Turkish chiaus in his return to Conftantinople with the head of an unfortunate bafhaw. It was, doubtlefs, a fevere remedy, and not very easily adminiftered; but it proved fo effectual, that the patient never failed, during the remainder of his life, to drink every day to the health of his Muffulman phyfician. Though I never underwent fuch a painful application, I myself have been cured of a bad habit by a very unpalatable medicine; to use the phrase of Shakspeare, a certain perfon gave me the baftinado with his tongue. : You must know, I am a middle-aged man in good circumstances, arifing from the profits of a creditable profeffion, which I have exercised for many years with equal industry and circumfpection. At the age of twenty-fix I married the daughter of an eminent apo thecary, with whom I received a comfortable addition to my fortune. The honey moon was fcarce over, when we mutually found ourfelves mifmatched. She had been educated in notions of pleasure; and I had flattered myfelf that the would be contented with domestic: enjoyments, and place among that number the care of her family for my own part, 1 had been used to relax myfelf in the evening from the fatigues of the day, among a club of honeft neighbours, who had been long acquainted with one another. The converfation was fometimes enlivened by quaint fallies and fly repartees; but politics formed the great topic, by which our attention was attracted like the needle by the pole; on this fubject I had the vanity to think I was looked upon as a kind of oracle by the society. I had carefully fully perufed the Univerfal History, together with the Political State of Europe, and pored over maps until I knew, ad unguem, the fituation of all the capital cities in Chriftendom. This branch of learning was of great confequence to the members of our club, who were generally fo little acquainted with geography, that I have known them mistake the Danube for a river of Afia, and Turin for the metropolis of Tufcany. I acquired fome reputation by defcribing the courfe of the Ohio in the beginning of our American troubles; and I filled the whole club with aftonithment, by fetting to rights one of the members who talked of croffing the fea to Scotland. During a fufpention of foreign intelligence, we fported in puns, conundrums, and merry conceits; we would venture to be inoffenfively waggifh in bantering each other; we fometimes retailed extempore witticifms, which, between friends, we had ftudied through the day; and we indulged one or two fenior members in their propenfity to record the ad ventures of their youth. In a word, we conftituted one of the most peaceful and beft affected communities in this great metropolis. But the comforts of this and all other club converfations, were in a little time deftroyed by a stranger, whom one of the members introduced into our fociety: he was a fpeculative phyfician, who had made his fortune by marrying a wealthy widow, now happily in her grave. The effence of all the difputants, goffips, and attornies of three centuries feemed to enter into the compofition of this fon of Æfculapius; his tongue rode at full gallop like a country man-midwife; his voice was loud, flat, and monotonous, like the clack of a mill, or rather like the found produced by a couple of flails on a barn floor-our ears were threshed most unmercifully; we fuppofed he was an adept in all the arts depending upon medicine, and a politician of courfe by the courtesy of England; but all fubjects were were alike to this univerfalift, from the most fublime metaphyfics to the mystery of pin-making: he dif puted with every one of us on our feveral profeffions, and filenced us all in our turns; not that he was mafter of every theme on which he pretended to expatiate; on the contrary, we foon difcovered him to be fuperficial and misinformed in divers articles, and attempted to refute what he had advanced, by breaking out into divers expreffions of diffent, fuch as, "But, pray, Sir" "I beg your pardon, Sir"" Give me leave, Sir" "I will venture to fay you are misinformed in that particular," and other civil checks of the fame / nature; but they had no effect upon this hard-mouthed courfer, except that of ftimulating him to proceed with redoubled velocity. He feemed both deaf and blind to the remonftrances and chagrin of the company; but ! dafhed through thick and thin, as if he had undertaken to harangue by inch of candle. We were fo overborne by the tide of his loquacity, that we fat for three fuccellive evenings half petrified with aftonifliment and vexation. Sometimes we were cheered with a glimpfe of hope that this torrent would foon exhaust itfelf; but, alas! we found him a perennial fource of noife and difputation. I could not help repeating with Horace, "Rufticus expectat dum defluat amnis; at ille Labitur et labetur in omne volubilis ævum. The most provoking circumftance of this nuifance was, that he did not speak either for the entertainment or information of the company; he had no other view but that of difplaying his own fuperiority in point of understanding; his aim was to puzzle, to perplex, and to triumph; and, by way of manifefting his wit, he extracted a wretched quibble from every hint, motion, or gefticulation of the fociety. Overhearing one of the members fumming up the reckoning, he denied that hat five and three made eight, and undertook to prove the contrary by mathematical demonftration. When I called for a bowl of punch, he affirmed there was no such thing in nature; that bowls were made of porcelain, earthen-ware, wood, or metals; but they could not be made of punch, which was a liquidergo, I had confounded the majus with the minus; for, omne majus in fe continet minus. An honeft gentleman, who fat by the fire, having burned his fingers with a hot poker, the Doctor affured him the accident was altogether an illufion; that fire did not burn, and that he could not feel pain, which was not a fubftance, but; a mode; ergo, not cognizable by the fenfe of touching. As we were naturally quiet and pacific, and, in truth, overawed by the enormous fize of his pugilistic member, as well as by his profound skill in the art of man-flaying, which he did not fail to promulgate, we patiently fubmitted to the fcourge of his impertinence, praying heartily that he might fucceed fo far in his pro feffion as to become a practifing doctor. Sometimes we enjoyed an intermiffion for half an evening, con-, gratulating ourselves upon the deliverance, and began to refume our old channel of converfation, when all of a fudden he would appear like the Gorgon's headthen every countenance fell, and every tongue was filent: his organ forthwith began to play, and nothing was heard but his eternal clapper. It was no difcourfe which he uttered, but a kind of talkation (if I may be allowed the expreffion), more diffonant and disagreeable than the glass alarm-bell of a wooden clock, that should ring twenty-four hours without intermiffion. To fupport ourselves under this perpetual annoyance, we had recourse to an extraordinary pint, and smoked a double portion of tobacco; but thefe expedients, instead: of diminishing, ferved only to increase the effect of his clamour. Our tempers were gradually foured; we grew peevish to every body, but particularly fullen and morofe morofe to the Doctor, who, far from perceiving the cause of our disgust, believed himself the object of our esteem and admiration; he was too much engrossed by his own impertinence to obferve the humours of other men. For three long months did we bear this dreadful vifitation; at length the oldeft member, who was indeed the nest egg, died, and the other individuals began to drop off. Nothing could be more disagreeable than the fituation to which I was now reduced. I was engaged in fatiguing business all day, out of humour all the evening, went home extremely ruffled, with the headach, heartburn, and hiccup, and ruminated tillmorning on my family difcomforts. Upon recollecting all thefe circumftances, I pitied my own condition, and my compaffion was foon changed into contempt. This roufed my pride and refolution; I determined to turn over a new leaf, and recover the importance I had loft: I with great difficulty difcontinued my attendance at the club, and my abfence contributed in a great meafure to its diffolution. The Doctor was in a little time obliged to harangue to empty chairs, and the landlord became a bankrupt. Thus was I delivered from the worst of plagues, an impertinent and talkative companion. I have now bid adieu to clubs, and am grown a family man; I fee myfelf beloved by my children, revered by my fervants, and refpected by my neighbours. I find my expenfes confiderably leffened, my economy improved, my fortune and credit augmented; and in the fulness of my enjoyment, I cannot help drinking to the health of the loquacious Doctor, who is likely to perform much more important cures with his tongue, than ever he will be able to effect by his preferiptions. If you think, Mr. Editor, that these hints may be serviceable to others labouring under the diftemper of which I am so happily cured, you may freely com municate |