abode of poverty, what a clouded brow, hopelefs vibration of the head, and languor of the nerves! Like the fenfitive plant, he fhrunk from the cold hand of neceffity. Not that the doctor wanted humanity; but when a patient becomes a mere caput mortuum, and the anima facculi expires, what fympathizing heart but must be fenfible of fo dire a change?

It is impoffible to record a tenth part of the wonderful effects this latent fource of life and fpirits has produced on the animal economy. What smiles of complacency and cringing adulation to my Lord Bloodrich, who no fooner turns his back than contempt and derifion overtake him! What can this be owing to but the fecret influence of the divinity, which threw a fort of awe and veneration about him? What but this magic power could have transformed Ned Traffic into a gentleman, Juftice Allpaunch into a wit, or Squire Jolter into a man of tafte? What but this could have given poignancy to the most infipid jokes, and weight to the moft fuperficial arguments of Alderman Heavyfide? It is this, that with more than tutelary power protects its votaries from infults and oppreffions; that filences the enraged accufer, and fnatches the fword from the very hand of justice. Towns and cities, like Jericho, with out any miracle, have fallen flat before it; it has ftopped the mouths of cannons, and, more furprifing ftill, of faction and flander.

It has thrown a fort of glory about the globofe and opaque fculls of quorum juftices; it has imparted a dread and reverence to the enfigns of authority; and ftrange, and paffing strange to say! it has made youth and beauty fly into the arms of old age and impotence; given charms to deformity and deteftation; transformed Hymen into Mammon, and the God of Love into a Satyr. It has built bridges without foundations, libraries without books, hofpitals without endowments, and churches without benefices. It has turned con

fcience

fcience into a deift, honour into a pimp, courage into a modern officer, and honefty into a ftock-jobber. In fhort, there is nothing wonderful it has not effected, except making us wife, virtuous, and happy.

I could fpin this ductile golden thread ad infinitum, but I fear here is already as much as the patience of the candid reader will allow him to wind up fo, cutting it fhort, and killing your hand,

I am yours, &c.

SARCASTICUS.

MEDICAL APPLICATION OF MONEY.

THE

HE humorous Rabelais, who was domeftic phyfician to Cardinal de Billay, held a confultation one day with several other phyficians, concerning a hy pochondriac diforder which the Cardinal was then troubled with, and an opening decoction was unanimously prescribed for his Eminence. Difagreeing, however, about the compofition of this decoction, Rabelais ftrongly recommended a key, as one of the most opening things in the universe.

I perfectly agree with that celebrated French writer, that a key is one of the moft opening things in the world," but I think I can mention another of at least equal efficacy with his potion: money, for example, in the cafes alluded to, generally operates very forcibly upon many patients who are coftive, and require medical aid. It will open a lawyer's mouth, and keep it wide extended for several hours, if you administer it in fufficient quantities; but if you deal it out in fcruplesand penny-weights, very little benefit will be derived from it. Money, applied with prudence and judgment, will open prifon-doors, and give inftantaneous relief to a confined patient, who without it would abfolutely be

given

given over as incurable: it has often made an opening to peerages, archbishoprics, and bishoprics, and feldom fails to procure a laxative habit among those who have the good things of this world at their disposal.

As to the mode of adminiftering this medicine, it must be observed that it operates with peculiar energy when judiciously applied to the palm of the hand.

J. S.

MR. EDITOR,

BE

A COMPLAINT.

[From the Morning Herald.]

EING among the number of those with whom mankind is continually diffatisfied, I beg leave to fubjoin my complaints to others, that have occafionally introduced them to the public through the channel of your communications. When I tell you I am as old as Time himself, you will allow, that on the fcore of longevity I ought to be refpected; and when I add, that I am as variable in my appearance and temperature as mortals themfelves, you will also be difpofed to grant, that I ought not to be reprobated on the fcore of inconftancy. Yet fo it is, that even though I feemingly take pains to accommodate my variable difpofitions to the variable difpofitions of mankind, the circumftance produces no fympathetic congeniality between us, and my inconftancy is rendered proverbial, while their own propenfity to ficklenefs never occurs to their recollection. Yet, Sir, I have no quarrel with the world on the fubjects of indifference, neglect, or difregard, for I must confefs every body pays me due attention; I am inquired after every night and every morning, and am fo much the topic of converfation, and fo regularly introduced after the customary greetings of ceremonial intercourfe, that I may be faid

to

to be a kind of neceffary affiftant to converfation; for when people are barren of ideas, I am always at hand to fupply the vacuity of their minds; yet I am hardly ever mentioned in any other light but as the fource of complaint and diffatisfaction, and without having fome opprobrious epithet attached to my name. Sometimes I am accufed of being too warm in my behaviour-fometimes too cold; if I fmile unexpectedly, I am fufpected of harbouring treacherous defigns; and men fay one to another sarcastically, "We fhall pay for this." If I continue my placid deportment, and am mild, fweet, and amiable for any length of time, I am faid to be goodhumoured even to fatiety; and there are people who have compared my eternal fmiles to an expreffion borrowed from a celebrated French writer- L'ennuieufe égalité d'une femme de bon caractere." Some with me to weep when I am difpofed to be merry, and fome to be gay when I am inclined to be fad. Thick, heavy, dull, nafly, are epithets commonly applied to me. If I am still, I am faid to be vapourish; if loud, boisterous, and rude-aches, pains, rheumatisms, and shooting corns, are attributed to my influence. In fhort, Sir, I am fo watched, fo fcrutinized, fo cenfured, fo abufed, every day, that it would seem that I were a stranger upon earth, and born but yesterday, rather than an inhabitant of Paradife, known to Adam and Eve, and one who was present at the creation. But I will not detain you any longer, Sir, for I fee you are looking at me through the window, and meditating an interview with your very old acquaintance,

THE WEATHER.

136

H

LITTER FROM OLD FATHER THAMES.

LETTER FROM OLD FATHER THAMES.

DEAR SIR,

[From the Morning Poft.]

ONE Monday laft fummer, I was awoke from a profound fleep by a kind of niggling and rooting at my bed-fide. I started, and immediately perceived a little fellow ftriving to infinuate a kind of tube under my back*. At first I took him for an apothecary's boy, come ready armed cap-a-pie to affail me; then for fome porter-brewer's clerk, who meant to rack me off for his mafter's ufe ; and, laft of all, I concluded it might be fome good-natured phyfician, who wished to tap me; for it must be confeffed I was unufually fwollen and bloated during the whole feafon, and fhowed strong fymptoms of a dropfy. All these conjectures, however, proved alike unfounded. It feems, Sir, after the lapfe of fo many centuries, during which my courfe has been the pride of England and the envy of the world, I am at laft difcovered, in this age of revolution, to be an old fellow ruffled by every blaft, and of fuch a turbulent and uncertain temper, as to be a perpetual fource of divifion between the good people of Kent and Effex, whom a dexterous projector propofed to bring together by a tunnel, or kind of privy paffage behind my back, instead of their paffing freely, as they ufed to do, before my face.

I have often been reproached with want of fpirit; but had you feen me foaming with refentment at this infult, you would allow I poffeffed some on this occafion. A proper mode of revenge fortunately suggested itself to me, and I waited a fit opportunity to execute it. Accordingly, when he had got a little way under my bed, I opened my fluices upon him, and if I did

Alluding to the projected tunnel at Gravefend.

not