for success, he must begin with doing, and not saying. JONATHAN. Well, what must I do? JESSAMY. Why, when you are introduced you must make five or six elegant bows. 5 JONATHAN. Six elegant bows! I under stand that; six, you say? Well — JESSAMY. Then you must press and kiss her hand; then press and kiss, and so on to her lips and cheeks; then talk as 10 much as you can about hearts, darts, flames, nectar and ambrosia - the more incoherent the better. must JONATHAN. Well, but suppose she should be angry with I? JESSAMY. Why, if she should pretend please to observe, Mr. Jonathan - if she should pretend to be offended, you But I'll tell you how my master acted in such a case: He was seated 20 by a young lady of eighteen upon a sopha, plucking with a wanton hand the blooming sweets of youth and beauty. When the lady thought it necessary to check his ardour, she called up a frown 25 upon her lovely face, so irresistibly alluring, that it would have warmed the frozen bosom of age: remember, said she, putting her delicate arm upon his, remember your character. My master 30 instantly dropped upon his knees; with eyes swimming with love, cheeks glowing, and in the gentlest modulation of voice, he said My dear Caroline, in a few months our hands will be indis- 35 solubly united at the altar; our hearts I feel are already so. . JONATHAN. Well, if I follow all your plans, make them six bows, and all that, JESSAMY. What are you musing upon? JONATHAN. You say you'll certainly make me acquainted? Why, I was thinking then how I should contrive to pass this broken piece of silver won't 45 it buy a sugar-dram? JESSAMY. What is that, the love-token from the deacon's daughter? - You come on bravely. But I must hasten to my master. Adieu, my dear friend. 50 JONATHAN. Stay, Mr. Jessamy must I buss her when I am introduced to her? JESSAMY. I told you, you must kiss her. JONATHAN. Well, but must I buss her? JESSAMY. Why, kiss and buss, and buss 55 and kiss, is all one. JONATHAN. Oh! my dear friend, though you have a profoun 1 knowledge of all, a pugnancy of tribulation, you don't know everything. (Exit.) JESSAMY. (Alone.) Well, certainly I improve; my master could not have insinuated himself with more address into the heart of a man he despised. Now will this blundering dog sicken Jenny with nauseous pawings, until she flies into my arms for very ease. How sweet will the contrast be, between the blundering Jonathan, and the courtly and accomplished Jessamy! ACT THIRD SCENE I. DIMPLE'S Room DIMPLE. Jessamy, who are these strange lodgers that came to the house last night? JESSAMY. Why, the master is a Yankee colonel; I have not seen much of him; but the man is the most unpolished animal your honour ever disgraced your eyes by looking upon. I have had one of the most outré conversations with him! He really has a most prodigious effect upon my risibility. DIMPLE. I ought, according to every rule of Chesterfield, to wait on him and insinuate myself into his good graces.Jessamy, wait on the colonel with my compliments, and if he is disengaged. I will do myself the honour of paying him my respects. Some ignorant unpolished boor (Jessamy goes off and returns.) JESSAMY. Sir, the colonel is gone out, and Jonathan, his servant, says that he is gone to stretch his legs upon the Mall Stretch his legs! what an indelicacy of diction! DIMPLE. Very well. Reach me my hat and sword. I'll accost him there, in my way to Letitia's, as by accident pretend to be struck with his person and address, and endeavour to steal into his confidence. Jessamy, I have no business for you at present. (Exit. JESSAMY. (Taking up the book.) M master and I obtain our knowledge from the same source; though, gad! think myself much the prettier fellow of the two. (Surveying himself in tr glass.) That was a brilliant thought to insinuate that I folded my master letters for him: the folding is so nea that it does honour to the operator. I once intended to have insinuated that I wrote his letters too; but that was before I saw them; it won't do now; no honour there, positively. Nothing 5 looks more vulgar (reading affectedly), ordinary, and illiberal, than ugly, uneven, and ragged nails; the ends of which should be kept even and clean, not tipped with black, and cut in small 10 segments of circles.'- Segments of circles! surely my lord did not consider that he wrote for the beaux. Segments of circles! what a crabbed term! Now I dare answer, that my master, with all 15 his learning, does not know that this means, according to the present mode, to let the nails grow long, and then cut them off even at the top. (Laughing without.) Ha! that's Jenny's titter. 20 I protest I despair of ever teaching that girl to laugh; she has something so execrably natural in her laugh, that I declare it absolutely discomposes my nerves. How came she into our house! 25 -(Calls.) Jenny! (Enter JENNY) JESSAMY. Prythee, Jenny, don't spoil your fine face with laughing. JENNY. Why, must n't I laugh, Mr. Jessamy? 30 JESSAMY. You may smile; but, as my lord says, nothing can authorize a laugh. JENNY. Well, but I can't help laughing 35 Have you seen him, Mr. Jessamy? Ha, ha, ha! JESSAMY. Seen whom?. JENNY. Why, Jonathan, the New-England colonel's servant. Do you know 40 he was at the play last night, and the stupid creature don't know where he has been. He would not go to a play for the world; he thinks it was a show, as he calls it. JESSAMY. As ignorant and unpolished as he is, do you know, Miss Jenny, that I propose to introduce him to the honour of your acquaintance. 45 JENNY. Introduce him to me! For 50 what? JESSAMY. Why, my lovely girl, that you may take him under your protection, as Madam Rambouilliet did young Stanhope; that you may, by your plastic 55 hand, mould this uncouth cub into a gentleman. He is to make love to you. JENNY. Make love to me! JESSAMY. Yes, Mistress Jenny, make love to you; and, I doubt not, when he shall become domesticated in your kitchen, that this boor, under your auspices, will soon become un amiable petit Jonathan. JENNY. I must say, Mr. Jessamy, if he copies after me, he will be vastly monstrously polite. JESSAMY. Stay here one moment, and I will call him.- Jonathan! Mr. Jonathan! (Calls.) JONATHAN. (Within.) Holla! there.(Enters.) You promise to stand by me. six bows you say. (Bows.) JESSAMY. Mrs. Jenny, I have the honour of presenting Mr. Jonathan, Colonel Manly's waiter, to you. I am extremely happy that I have it in my power to make two worthy people acquainted with each other's merit. JENNY. So, Mr. Jonathan, I hear you were at the play last night. JONATHAN. At the play! why, did you think I went to the devil's drawingroom! JENNY. The devil's drawing-room! JONATHAN. Yes; why an't cards and dice the devil's device; and the play-house the shop where the devil hangs out the vanities of the world, upon the tenterhooks of temptation. I believe you have not heard how they were acting the old boy one night, and the wicked one came among them sure enough; and went right off in a storm, and carried one quarter of the play-house with him. Oh no, no, no! you won't catch me at a play-house, I warrant you. JENNY. Well, Mr. Jonathan, though I don't scruple your veracity, I have some reasons for believing you were there; pray, where were you about six o'clock? JONATHAN. Why, I went to see one Mr. Morrison, the hocus pocus man; they said as how he could eat a café knife. JENNY. Well, and how did you find the place? JONATHAN. As I was going about here and there, to and again, to find it, I saw a great crowd of folks going into a long entry, that had lantherns over the door; so I asked a man, whether that was not the place where they played hocus pocus? He was a very civil kind man, though he did speak like the Hessians; he lifted up his eyes and said -they play hocus pocus tricks enough there, Got knows, mine friend.' JENNY. Well - 20 JENNY. Well, and what did you do all this time? JONATHAN. Gor, I — I liked the fun, and so I tumpt away, and hiss'd as lustily as the best of 'em. One sailor-looking man that sat by me, seeing me stamp, and knowing I was a cute fellow, be- 25 cause I could make a roaring noise, clapt me on the shoulder and said, you are a dd hearty cock, smite my timbers! I told him so I was, but I thought he need not swear so, and make 30 use of such naughty words. JENNY. The savage! Well, and did you see the man with his tricks? JONATHAN. Why, I vow, as I was looking out for him, they lifted up a great 35 green cloth, and let us look right into the next neighbour's house. Have you a good many houses in New York made so in that 'ere way? JENNY. Not many: but did you see the 40 family? JONATHAN. Yes, swamp it; I see'd the family. JENNY. Well, and how did you like them? JONATHAN. Why, I VOW they were pretty much like other families; there was a poor, good natured, curse of a husband, and a sad rantipole of a wife. 45 50 JENNY. But did you see no other folks? JONATHAN. Yes. There was one youngster, they called him Mr. Joseph: he talked as sober and as pious as a minister; but like some ministers that I 5 know, he was a fly tike in his heart for all that: He was going to ask a young woman to spark it with him, and — the Lord have mercy on my soul! — she was another man's wife. JESSAMY. The Wabash! JENNY. And did you see any more folks? 5 JONATHAN. Why they came on as thick as mustard. For my part, I thought the house was haunted. There was a soldier fellow, who talked about his row de dow dow, and courted a young woman; but of all the cute folk I saw, I liked one little fellow JENNY. Aye! who was he? JONATHAN. Why, he had red hair, and a little round plump face like mine, only not altogether so handsome. His name was Darby: that was his baptizing name, his other name I forgot. Oh! it was Wig Wag-Wag-all, Wag-all, Darby Wag-all; pray, do you know him? I should like to take a fling with him, or a drap of cyder with a pepper-pod in it, to make it warm and comfortable. JENNY. I can't say I have that pleasure. JONATHAN. I wish you did, he is a cute fellow. But there was one thing I did n't like in that Mr. Darby; and that was, he was afraid of some of them 'ere shooting irons, such as your troopers wear on training days. Now, I'm a true born Yankee American son of liberty, and I never was afraid of a gun yet in all my life. JENNY. Well, Mr. Jonathan, you were certainly at the play-house. JONATHAN. I at the play-house! - Why did n't I see the play then? JENNY. Why, the people you saw were players. JONATHAN. Mercy on my soul! did I see the wicked players? - Mayhap that 'ere Darby that I liked so, was the old serpent himself, and had his cloven foot in his pocket. Why, I vow, now I come to think on 't, the candles seemed to burn blue, and I am sure where I sat it smelt tarnally of brimstone. JESSAMY. Well, Mr. Jonathan, from your account, which I confess it very accurate, you must have been at the playhouse. JONATHAN. Why, I vow I began to smell a rat. When I came away. I went to the man for my money again: you want your money, says he: yes, says I; for what, says he; why, says I. no man shall jocky me out of my money: I paid my money to see sights and the dogs a bit of a sight have I seen, unless you call listening to people's private business a sight. Why, says he, it is the JESSAMY. My dear Jenny, my master's JONATHAN. Well, but don't go; you won't leave me so. JESSAMY. Excuse me.- Remember the cash. (Aside to him, and Exit.) ΤΟ JENNY. Mr. Jonathan, won't you please 15 JONATHAN. Ma'am! JENNY. Pray, how do you like the city, JONATHAN. Ma'am ! JONATHAN. (Sings.) 161 20 His name was 25 JENNY. The stupid creature! but I must JENNY. Oh! I don't mean psalm tunes. JONATHAN. Why, all my tunes go to 50 JENNY. Oh! it is the tune I am fond of; 55 and, if I know anything of my mistress. she would be glad to dance to it. Pray, sing? Now, if I was No, no, that won't do. JENNY. Is that all! I assure you I like JONATHAN. No, no. I can sing more Marblehead's a rocky place, Yankee Doodle do, etc. I vow, my own town song has put me in such topping spirits, that I believe I'll begin to do a little, as Jessamy says we must when we go a courting (Runs and kisses her.) Burning rivers! cooling flames! red hot roses! pignuts! hasty-pudding and ambrosia ! JENNY. What means this freedom! you insulting wretch. (Strikes him.) JONATHAN. Are you affronted? JENNY. Affronted! with what looks shall I express my anger? JONATHAN. Looks! why, as to the matter of looks, you look as cross as a witch. JENNY. Have you no feeling for the delicacy of my sex? consequences. 20 JONATHAN. Feeling! Gor, II feel 5 JENNY. Marry you! you audacious monster! get out of my sight, or rather let me fly from you. (Exit hastily.) JONATHAN. Gor! she's gone off in a 40 swinging passion, before I had time to think of consequences. If this is the way with your city ladies, give me the twenty acres of rock, the bible, the cow, and Tabitha. ACT FIFTH 45 the rattle makes you look so tarnation glum? JESSAMY. I was thinking, Mr. Jonathan,: what could be the reason of her carrying herself so coolly to you. JONATHAN. Coolly, do you call it? Why, I vow, she was fire-hot angry: may be it was because I buss'd her. JESSAMY. No, no, Mr. Jonathan; there must be some other cause: I never yel knew a lady angry at being kissed. JONATHAN. Well, if it is not the young woman's bashfulness, I vow I can't con ceive why she should n't like me. JESSAMY. Maybe it is because you hav not the Graces, Mr. Jonathan. JONATHAN. Grace! Why, does the young woman expect I must be con verted before I court her? JESSAMY. I mean graces of person; fo instance, my lord tells us that we must cut off our nails even at top, in smal segments of circles; - though you won't understand that-In the next place, you must regulate your laugh. JONATHAN. Maple-log seize it! don't 1 laugh natural? JESSAMY. That's the very fault, Mr. Jonathan. Besides, you absolutely misplace it. I was told by a friend of mine that you laughed outright at the play the other night, when you ought only to have tittered. JONATHAN. Gor! I-what does one g to see fun for if they can't laugh? JESSAMY. You may laugh; - but you must laugh by rule. JONATHAN. Swamp it-laugh by rule! Well, I should like that tarnally. JESSAMY. Why you know, Mr. Jonathan. that to dance, a lady to play with her fan, or a gentleman with his cane, and all other natural motions, are regulated by art. My master has composed an immensely pretty gamut, by which any lady, or gentleman, with a few years' close application, may learn to laugh as gracefully as if they were born and bred to it. 50 JONATHAN. Mercy on my SCENE I. DIMPLE'S Lodgings. JESSAMY meeting JONATHAN JESSAMY. Well, Mr. Jonathan, what success with the fair? JONATHAN. Why, such a tarnal cross 55 tike you never saw! - You would have counted she had lived on crab-apples and vinegar for a fortnight. But what soul! A gamut for laughing — just like fa, la sol? JESSAMY. Yes. It comprises every pos sible display of jocularity, from an af fettuoso smile to a piano titter, or ful chorus fortissimo ha, ha, ha ! My mas ter employs his leisure-hours in mark ing out the olavs. like a cathedral chant |
