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Vain is cach voice where tones could once com
“ 'Tis done, 'tis past, since Pallas warns in vain ;
But know, a lesson you may yet be taught,
AN APOSTROPHIC HYMN. ?
" Qualis in Eurotæ ripis, aut per juga Cynthi,
Diana scems: and so she charms the sight,
besides a Chancery suit inveterately entailed upon TO THE PUBLISHER.
the family estate, we came up in our old chariot, Sır,
of which, by the bye, my wife grew so much ashamed I am a country gentleman of a midland county. in less than a week, that I was obliged to buy a I might have been a parliament-man for a certain second-hand barouche, of which I might mount the borough ; having had the offer of as many votes as box, Mrs. H. says, if I could drive, but never see the General T. at the general election in 1812. 3 But I inside — that place being reserved for the Honourable was all for domestic happiness; as, fifteen years ago, Augustus Tiptoe, her partner-general and operaon a visit to London, I married a middle-aged maid knight. Hearing great praises of Mrs. H.'s dancing of honour. We lived happily at Hornem Hall till (she was famous for birthnight minuets in the latter last season, when my wife and I were invited by the end of the last century), I unbooted, and went to a Countess of Waltzaway (a distant relation of my ball at the Countess's, expecting to see a country spouse) to pass the winter in town. Thinking no dance, or, at most, cotillions, reels, and all the old harm, and our girls being come to a marriageable paces to the newest tunes. But, judge of my surprise, (or, as they call it, marketable) age, and having on arriving, to see poor dear Mrs. Hornem with her
" ("* The beautiful but barren Hymettus, the whole coast of posed, and will ever oppose, the robbery of ruins from Athens, Attica, her hills and mountains, Pentelicus, Anchesmus, Phi. to instruct the English in sculpture; but why did I do so ? lopappus, &c. &c. are in themselves poetical ; and would be The ruins are as poetical in Piccadilly as they were in the so if the name of Athens, of Athenians, and her very ruins, Parthenon ; but the Parthenon and its rock are less so without were swept from the earth. But, am I to be told that the them. Such is the poetry of art." - Byron Letters, 1821.) "nature" of Attiua would be more poetical without the "art" of the Acropolis ? of the Temple of Theseus ? and of
? (This trifle was written at Cheltenham in the autumn of the still all Greek and glorious monuments of her exquisitely
1812, and published anonymously in the spring of the followartificial genius ? Ask the traveller what strikes him as most
ing year. It was not very well received at the time by the poetical, the Parthenon, or the rock on which it stands ? The public; and the author was by no means anxious that it COLUNns of Cape Colonna, or the Cape itself? The rocks at
should be considered as his handiwork. “I hear," he says, the foot of it, or the recollection that Falconer's ship was
in a letter to a friend, "that a certain malicious publication bulged upon them? There are a thousand rocks and capes
on waltzing is attributed to me. This report, I suppose. you far more picturesque than those of the Acropolis and Cape
will take care to contradict; as the author, I am sure, will not Sunium in themselves. But it is the "art," the columns, the
like that I should wear his cap and bells.''] temples, the wrecked vessel, which give them their antique
State of the poll (last day), 5. and their modern poetry, and not the spots themselves. I op
arms half round the loins of a huge hussar-looking Terpsichore !- too long misdeem'd a maid gentleman I never set eyes on before ; and his, to Reproachful term - bestow'd but to upbraid say truth, rather more than half round her waist, Henceforth in all the bronze of brightness shine, turning round, and round, and round, to a dd The least a vestal of the virgin Nine. sec-saw up-and-down sort of tune, that reminded me Far be from thee and thine the name of prude; of the “ Black joke," only more "affetuoso," till it Mock'd, yet triumphant; sneer'd at, unsubdued ; made me quite giddy with wondering they were not Thy legs must move to conquer as they fly, so. By-and-by they stopped a bit, and I thought If but thy coats are reasonably high; they would sit or fall down:- but no; with Mrs. H.'s Thy breast- if bare enough — requires no shield; hand on his shoulder, “ quam familiariter”; (as Dance forth — sans armour thou shalt take the field, Terence said, when I was at school), they walked And own- impregnable to most assaults, about a minute, and then at it again, like two cock. Thy not too lawfully begotten “ Waltz." chafers spitted on the same bodkin. I asked what all this meant, when, with a loud laugh, a child no Hail, nimble nymph! to whom the young hussar, older than our Wilhelmina (a name I never heard The whisker'd votary of waltz and war, but in the Vicar of Wakefield, though her mother His night devotes, despite of spur and boots ; would call her after the Princess of Swappenbach,) A sight unmatch'd since Orpheus and his brutes : said, “ Lord! Mr. Hornem, can't you see they are Hail, spirit-stirring Waltz! - beneath whose banners valtzing ?" or waltzing (I forget which); and then A modern hero fought for modish manners; up she got, and her mother and sister, and away they On Hounslow's heath to rival Wellesley's i fame, went, and round-abouted it till supper time. Now, Cock'd — fired - and miss'd his man - but gain'd his that I know what it is, I like it of all things, and
aim ; so does Mrs. H. (though I have broken my shins, Hail, moving Muse! to whom the fair one's breast and four times overturned Mrs. Hornem's maid, in Gives all it can, and bids us take the rest. practising the preliminary steps in a morning). Oh ! for the flow of Busby, or of Fitz, Indeed, so much do I like it, that having a turn for The latter's loyalty, the former's wits, rhyme, tastily displayed in some election ballads, and To “ energise the object I pursue,"6 songs in honour of all the victories (but till lately I And give both Belial and his dance their due ! have had little practice in that way), I sat down, and with the aid of William Fitzgerald, Esq. ?, and a few Imperial Waltz! imported from the Rhine hints from Dr. Busby 3, (whose recitations I attend, (Famed for the growth of pedigrees and wine), and am monstrous fond of Master Busby's manner Long be thine import from all duty free, of delivering his father's late successful “ Drury Lane And hock itself be less esteem'd than thee : Address,") I composed the following hymn, where In some few qualities alike – for hock withal to make my sentiments known to the public; Improves our cellar--thou our living stock. whom, nevertheless, I heartily despise, as well as the The head to hock belongs — thy subtler art critics.
Intoxicates alone the heedless heart :
Through the full veins thy gentler poison swims,
Oh, Germany! how much to thee we owe,
Muse of the many-twinkling feet 4! whose charms
My Latin is all forgotten, if a man can be said to have forgotten what he never remembered; but I bought my title-page motto of a Catholic priest for a three-shilling bank token, after much haggling for the even sixpence. I grudged the money to a papist, being all for the memory of Perceval and " So popery," and quite regretting the downfal of the pope, because we can't burn him any more.
2 (See antè, p. 421.)
To rival Lord Wellesley's, or his nephew's, as the reader pleases :- the one gained a pretty wmnan, whom he deserved, by fighting for ; and the other has been tighting in the Pen. insula mans a long day, " by Shrewsbury clock," without gaining anything in that country but the title of "the Great Lord," and "the Lord;" which savours of profanation, having been hitherto applied only to that Being to whom " Te Deums " for carnage are the rankest blasphemy. - It is to be presumed the general will one day return to his Sabine farm; there
" To tame the genius of the stubborn plain,
Almost as quickly as he conquer'd Spain !" The Lord Peterborough conquered continents in a summer ; we do more - we contrive both to conquer and lose them in a shorter season. If the "great Lord's Cincinnatan progress
in agriculture be no speedier than the proportional average of time in Pope's couplet, it will, according to the farmers' proverb, be "ploughing with dogs."
By the bye-one of this illustrious person's new titles is forgotten - it is, however, worth remembering --" Salvador del mundo!" credile, posteri! If this be the appellation annexed by the inhabitants of the Peninsula to the name of a man who has not yet saved them --query -- are they worth saving, even in this world ? for, according to the mildest modifications of any Christian creed, those three words make the odds much against them in the next.-"Saviour of the world," quotha ! -- it were to be wished that he, or any one else, could save a corner of it- his country. Yet this stupid misnomer, although it shows the near connection between superstition and impiety, so far has its use, that it proves there can be little to dread from those Catholics (inquisitorial Catholics too) who can confer such an appellation on a Protestant. I suppose next year he will be entitled the “ Virgin Mary :" if so. Lord George Gordon himself would have nothing to object to such liberal bastards of our Lady of Babylon.
[Among the addresses sent in to the Drury Lane Committce was one by Dr. Busby, which begun by asking
" When energising objects men pursue,
What are the prodigies they cannot do ?"]
To Germany, and highnesses serene,
But peace to her—her emperor and diet, Though now transferr'd to Buonaparte's “fiat!" Back to my theme – O Muse of motion I say, How first to Albion found thy Waltz her way ?
Borne on the breath of hyperborean gales, From Hamburg's port (while Hamburg yet had mails), Ere yet unlucky Fame — compell'd to creep To snowy Gottenburg—was chill'd to sleep; Or, starting from her slumbers, deign'd arise, Heligoland to stock thy mart with lies; While unburnt Moscow 1 yet had news to send, Nor owed her fiery exit to a friend, She came – Waltz came—and with her certain sets Of true despatches, and as true gazettes: Then flamed of Austerlitz the blest despatch, Which Moniteur nor Morning Post can match ; And — almost crush'd beneath the glorious news— Ten plays, and forty tales of Kotzebue's; One envoy's letters, six composers' airs, And loads from Frankfort and from Leipsic fairs; Meiner's four volumes upon womankind, Like Lapland witches to ensure a wind ; Brunck's heaviest tome for ballast, and, to back it, Of Heyné, such as should not sink the packet.
Fraught with this cargo—and her fairest freight, Delightful Waltz, on tiptoe for a mate, The welcome vessel reach'd the genial strand, And round her flock'd the daughters of the land. Not decent David, when, before the ark, His grand pas-seul excited some remark; Not love-lorn Quixote, when his Sancho thought The knight's fandango friskier than it ought: Not soft Herodias, when, with winning tread, Her nimble feet danced off another's head; Not Cleopatra on her galley's deck, Display'd so much of leg, or more of neck, Than thou, ambrosial Waltz, when first the moon Beheld thee twirling to a Saxon tune 1
To you, ye husbands of ten years whose brows Ache with the annual tributes of a spouse;
1 The patriotic arson of our amiable allies cannot be sufficiently commended—nor subscribed for. Amongst other details omitted in the various despatches of our cloquent ambassador, he did not state (being too much ol with the exploits of Colonel C–, in swimming rivers frozen, and galloping over roads impassable.) that one entire province
o by famine in the most melancholy manner, as fol. ows:– In General Rostopchin's consummate conflagration, the consumption of tallow and train oil was so great, that the market was inadequate to the demand: and thus one hundred and thirty-three thousand persons were starved to death, by being reduced to wholesome diet ! . The lamplighters of i.i. have since subscribed a pint (of oil) a piece, and the tallow-chandlers have unanimously voted a quantity of best moulds (four to the pound), to the relief of the surviving Scythians : — the scarcity will soon, by such exertions, and a proper attention to the quality rather than the quantity of provision, be totally alleviated. It is said, in return, that the untouched Ukraine has subscribed sixty thousand becyes for a day's meal to our suffering manufacturers.
* Dancing girls – who do for hire what Waltz doth gratis.
To you of nine years less, who only bear
Endearing Waltz 1–to thy more melting tune Bow Irish jig, and ancient rigadoon. Scotch reels, avaunt and country-dance, forego Your future claims to each fantastic toe : Waltz—Waltz alone—both legs and arms demands, Liberal of feet, and lavish of her hands; Hands which may freely range in public sight Where ne'er before—but—pray “put out the light.” Methinks the glare of yonder chandelier Shines much too far—or I am much too near; And true, though strange—Waltz whispers this re“My slippery steps are safest in the dark 1" (mark, But here the Muse with due decorum halts, And lends her longest petticoat to Waltz.
Observant travellers of every time ! Ye quartos publish’d upon every clime ! Oh say, shall dull Romaika's heavy round, Fandango's wriggle, or Bolero's bound; Can Egypt's Almas? — tantalising group — Columbia's caperers to the warlike whoop.– Can aught from cold Kamschatka to Cape Horn With Waltz compare, or after Waltz be borne 7 Ah, no from Morier's pages down to Galt's, Each tourist pens a paragraph for “Waltz.”
Shades of those belles whose reign began of yore, With George the Third's—and ended long before : — Though in your daughters' daughters yet you thrive, Burst from your lead, and be yourselves alive : Back to the ball-room speed your spectred host: Fool's Paradise is dull to that you lost. No treacherous powder bids conjecture quake; No stiff-starch'd stays make meddling fingers ache; (Transferr'd to those ambiguous things that ape Goats in their visage 3, women in their shape;)
but how far these are indications of valour in the field, or elsewhere, may still be questionable. Much may be, and hath been, avouched on both sides. In the olden time philosophers had whiskers, and soldiers none— Scipio himself was shaven— Hannibal thought his one eye handsome enough without a beard ; but Adrian, the emperor, wore a beard (having warts on his chin, which neither the empress Sabina nor even the courtiers could abide)—Turenne had whiskers, Marlborough none — Buonaparte is unwhiskered, the Regent whiskered ; “argal "greatness of mind and whiskers may or may not go together: but certainly the different occurrences, since the growth of the last mentioned, go further in behalf of whiskers than the anathema of Anselm did against long hair in the reign of Henry I. — Formerly, red was a favourite colour. See Lodowick Barrey's comedy of Ram Alley, 1961 : Act I. Scene l.
“Tota. Now for a wager—What coloured beard comes next by the window
“Adriana. A black man's, I think. i o Tot'eta. I think not so: I think a red, for that is most n fashion.”
There is “nothing new under the sun : " but red, then a Jurourite, has now subsided into a favourite's colour.
No damsel faints when rather closely press'd,
Some potentate - or royal or serene But more caressing seems when most caress'd ;
With Kent's gay grace, or sapient Gloster's mien, Superfluous hartshorn, and reviving salts,
Leads forth the ready dame, whose rising flush Both banish'd by the sovercign cordial “ Waltz." Might once have been mistaken for a blush.
From where the garb just leaves the bosom free, Seductive Waltz! -- though on thy native shore That spot where hearts 5 were once supposed to be ; Even Werter's self proclaim'd thee half a whore; Round all the confines of the yielded waist, Werter- to decent vice though much inclined, The strangest hand may wander undisplaced ; Yet warm, not wanton ; dazzled, but not blind - The lady's in return may grasp as much Though gentle Genlis, in her strife with Stael, As princely paunches offer to her touch. Would even proscribe thee from a Paris ball ;
Pleased round the chalky floor how well they trip, The fashion hails — from countesses to queens, One hand reposing on the royal hip; And maids and valets waltz behind the scenes; The other to the shoulder no less royal Wide and more wide thy witching circle spreads, Ascending with atfection truly loyal ! And turns — if nothing else — at least our heads ; Thus front to front the partners move or stand, With thee even clumsy cits attempt to bounce, The foot may rest, but none withdraw the hand; And cockneys practise what they can't pronounce. And all in turn may follow in their rank, Gouls! how the glorious theme my strain exalts, The Earl of — Asterisk - and Lady -- Blank; And rhyme finds partner rhyme in praise of “ Waltz !" Sir - Such-a-one — with those of fashion's host,
For whose blest surnames – vide “ Morning Post" Biest was the time Waltz chose for her début; (Or if for that impartial print too late, The court, the Regent, like herself were new; 1 Search Doctors' Commons six months from my date) New face for friends, for foes some new rewards ;
Thus all and each, in movement swift or slow, New ornaments for black and royal guards;
The genial contact gently undergo; New laws to hang the rogues that roar'd for bread; Till some might marvel, with the modest Turk, New coins (most new)? to follow those that fled; If " nothing follows all this palming work ? "6 New victories - nor can we prize them less,
True, honest Mirza ! — you may trust my rhyme Though Jenky wonders at his own success;
Something does follow at a fitter time; New wars, because the old succeed so well,
The breast thus publicly resign'd to man, That most survivors envy those who fell;
In private may resist him
if it can. New mistresses - no, old - and yet 't is true, Though they be old, the thing is something new; O ye who loved our grandmothers of yore, Each new, quite new -(except some ancient tricks), 3 | Fitzpatrick, Sheridan 7, and many more ! New white-sticks, gold-sticks, broom-sticks, all new And thou, my Prince! whose sovereign taste and sticks!
will With vests or ribands deck'd alike in hue,
It is to love the lovely beldames still ! New troopers strut, new turncoats blush in blue; Thou ghost of Queensbury ! whose judging sprite So saith the muse: my -- -, what say you ?
Satan may spare to peep a single night, Such was the time when Waltz might best maintain Pronounce — if ever in your days of bliss Her new preferments in this novel reign;
Asmodeus struck so bright a stroke as this ? Such was the time, nor ever yet was such ;
To teach the young ideas how to rise, Hoops are no more, and petticoats not much ;
Flush in the cheek, and languish in the eyes ; Morals and minuets, virtue and her stays,
Rush to the heart, and lighten through the frame, And tell-tale powder -- all have had their days. With half-told wish and ill-dissembled flame: The ball begins - the honours of the house
For prurient nature still will storm the breast First duly done by daughter or by spouse,
Who, tempted thus, can answer for the rest ?
1 An anachronism - Waltz and the battle of Austerlitz are before said to have opened the ball together: the bard means (If he means any thing), Waltz was not so much in vogue till the Regent attained the acme of his popularity. Waltz, the comct, whiskers, and the new government, illuminated heaven and earth, in all their glory, much about the same time ; of these the comet only has disappeared ; the other three continue to astonish us still. - Printer's Devil.
3 Amongst others a new ninepence -- a creditable coin now forthcoming. worth a pound, in paper, at the fairest calculation.
3 " Oh that right should thus overcome might!" Who does not remember the delicate investigation" in the "Merry Wives of Windsor ?"
• Ford. Pray you, come ncar: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me: then let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now ? whither bear you this?
“ yrs. Ford. What havo you to do whither they bear it ? - you were best module with buck-washing."
* The gentle, or ferocious, reader may fill up the blank as he pleases – there are several dissyllabic names at his service (being already in the Regent's): it would not be fair to back any peculiar initial against the alphabet, as every month will aid to the list now entered for the sweepstakes : - a distinguisheit consonant is said to be the favourite, much against the wishes of the knowing ones.
5* We have changed all that," says the Mock Doctor
't is all gone -- Asmodeus knows where. After all, it is of no great importance how women's hearts are disposed of; they have nature's privilege to distribute them as absurdly as possible. But there are also some men with hearts so thoroughly bad, as to remind us of those phenomena often mentioned in natural history; viz. a mass of solid stone - only to be opened by force - and when divided, you discover a load in the centre, lively, and with the reputation of being venomous.
6 In Turkey a pertinent, here an impertinent and superfluous, question - literally put, as in the text, by a Persian to Morier, on seeing a waltz in Pera - Vide Morier's Travels.
i [I once heard Sheridan repeat, in a ball-room, some
Behold the well-pair'd couple now advance.
For so the law's laid down by Baron Trip."
But ye — who never felt a single thought
If such thou lovest - love her then no more, For what our morals are to be, or ought;
Or give — like her — caresses to a score ; Who wisely wish the charms you view to reap, ller mind with these is gone, and with it go Sas – would you make those beauties quite so the little left behind it to bestow.
cheap ? Hot from the hands promiscuously applied,
Voluptuous Waltz! and dare I thus blaspheme? Round the slight waist, or down the glowing side, Thy bard forgot thy praises were his theme. Where were the rapture then to clasp the form, Terpsichore, forgive ! - at every ball From this lewd grasp and lawless contact warm ? My wife now waltzes — and my daughters shall ; At once love's most endearing thought resign, My son — (or stop — 't is needless to inquire To press the hand so press'd by none but thine ; These little accidents should ne'er transpire; To gaze upon that eye which never met
Some ages hence our genealogic tree Another's ardent look without regret;
Will wear as green a bough for him as me) – Approach the lip which all, without restraint, Waltzing shall rear, to make our name amends, Come near enough — if not to touch - to taint; Grandsons for me — in heirs to all his friends.
Ode to Napoleon Buonaparte.'
" Expende Annibalem : - quot libras in duce summo
JUVENAL, Sat. X. “ The Emperor Nepos was acknowledged by the Senate, by the Italians, and by the Provincials of Gaul ; his moral virtues, and military talents, were loudly celebrated, and those who derived any private benefit from his government announced in prophetic strains the restoration of public felicity.
By this shameful abdication, he protracted his life a few years, in a very ambiguous state, between an Emperor and an Exile, till -.” – Gibbox's Decline and Fall, vol. vi. p. 220.3
'T is donc — but yesterday a King !
And arm’d with Kings to strive -
So abject — yet alive!
And can he thus survive ? 4
Nor till thy fall could mortals guess
To after-warriors more,
And vainly preach'd before.
That led them to adore
The rapture of the strife 5 -
To thee the breath of life ;
Ill-minded man ! why scourge thy kind
Who bow'd so low the knee?
Thou taught'st the rest to see.
To those that worshipp'd thee;
1 [The reader has seen that Lord Byron, when publishing was smooth, and the whole body visible." Wonderful to re" The Corsair,” in January 1814, announced an apparently late, he found the whole did not exceed in weight one ounce quite serious resolution to withdraw, for some years at least, and a half! AND IS THIS ALL! Alas! the quot libras itself from poetry. His letters of the February and March follow is a satirical exaggeration. – GIFFORD.] ing abound in repetitions of the same determination. On the
3 [" I send you an additional motto from Gibbon, which morning of the ninth of April, he writes, –“ No more rhyme for- or rather from— me. I have taken my leave of that
you will find singularly appropriate."-Lord Byron to Mr.
Murray, April 12. 1814.] stage, and henceforth will mountebank it no longer.” In the evening, a Gazette Extraordinary announced the abdication 4 ["I don't know, but I think I, even I (an insect comof Fontainebleau, and the Poet violated his vows next morn pared with this creature), have set my life on casts not a miling, by composing this Ode, which he immediately published, fionth part of this man's. But, after all, a crown may not be though without his name. His Diary says, “ April 10. To worth dying for. Yet, to outlive Lodi for this !!! Oh that day I have boxed one hour – written an ode to Napoleon Juvenal or Johnson could rise from the dead ! Expende Buonaparte - copied it – caten six biscuits – drunk four quot libras in duce summo invenies ? I knew they were bottles of soda water, and redde away the rest of my time."] light in the balance of mortality ; but I thought their living 2 [“ Produce the urn that Hannibal contains,
dust weighed more carats. Alas! this imperial diamond hath
a flaw in it, and is now hardly fit to stick in a glazier's pencil And weigh the mighty dust which yet remains :
- the pen of the historian won't rate it worth a ducat. Pshal AND IS THIS ALL I"
something too much of this.' But I won't give him up even I know not that this was ever done in the old world ; at least,
now; though all his admirers have, like the Thanes, fallen with regard to Hannibal : but, in the statistical account of
from him." _Byron Diary, April 9.] Scotland, I find that Sir John Paterson had the curiosity to collect, and weigh, the ashes of a person discovered a few
5" Certaminis gaudia”- the expression of Attila in his years since in the parish of Eccles; which he was happily harangue to his army, previous to the battle of Chalons, enabled to do with great facility, as "the inside of the cotin given in Cassiodorus.