lady out of humour; and, then, we may be all beaten for aught I know. Let. Well, sirrah! and do you think I had not rather twenty such as you should be beaten to death, than my master should be robbed of his mistress? Rake. Your humble servant, madam; you need not take any great pains to convince me of your fondness for your master. I believe he has more mistresses than what are in our house; but, hang it, I am too polite to be jealous. But, my dear Lettice, I do not approve of this match in our family. Let. Why so? Rake. Why, you know how desperate Valentine's circumstances are, and she has no fortune. Let. She bath, indeed, no fortune of her own; but her aunt Highman is very rich. And then, you know, we've hopes enow! There are hopes of my young master's growing better, for I am sure there is no possibility of his growing worse; hopes of my old master's staying abroad; hopes of his being drowned, if he attempts coming home; hopes of the stars falling Rake. Dear Mrs. Lettice, do not jest with such serious things as hunger and thirst. Do you really think that all your master's entertainments are at an end? Let. So far from it, that he is this day to give a grand entertainment to your mistress, and about a dozen more gentlemen and ladies. Rake. My chops begin to water. 1 find your master is a very honest fellow; and, it is possible, may hold out two or three weeks longer. Let You are mistaken, sir; there will be no danger of his giving any more entertainments; for there is a certain gentleman, called an uphosterer, who, the inoment that the company is gone, is to make his entrance into the house, and carry every thing out on't. Rake. A very good way, faith, of furnishing a house to receive a wife in! your master has set me a very good pattern against you and I marry, Mrs. Lettice. Let. Sauce-box! Do you think I'll have you? Rake. Unless I can provide better for myself. Let. Well, that I am fond of thee, I am certain; and what I am fond of, I can't imagine, unless it be thy invincible impudence. Rake. Why, faith, I think I have the impudence of a gentleman, and there is nothing better to succeed with the ladies. Let. Yes, yes, and be hanged to you! You know the power you have over us too well; and, though we are thoroughly acquainted with your falsehood, yet we are, nine in ten of us, fools enough to be caught. ACT II. SCENE I.-A square, with VALENTINE's house. I how hath he behaved himself in my absence! I Enter GOODALL and Servant, with a portmanteau. LETTICE comes out of the house. Good. This cursed stage-coach from Portsmouth hath fatigued me more than my voyage fram the Cape of Good Hope; but, Heaven be praised, I am once more arrived within sight of my own doors. I cannot help thinking how pleased my son will be to see me returned a full year sooner than my intention. Let. He would be much more pleased to hear you were at the Cape of Good Hope yet. [Aside. Good. I hope I shall find my poor boy at home; I dare swear he will die with joy to see me. Let. I believe he is half dead already; but now for you, my good master.-[Aside.]-Bless me! What do I see? An apparition! Good. Lettice! Let. Is it my dear master Goodall, returned, or is it the devil in his shape? Is it you, sir? Is it positively you yourself. hope he hath taken great care of my affairs? Let. I'll answer for him; he hath put your affairs into a condition that will surprise you. Good. I warrant you, he is every day in the Alley. Stocks have gone just as I imagined; and if he followed my advice, he must have amassed a vast sum of money. Let. Not a fathing, sir. Good. How, how, how! in. Let. Sir, he hath paid it out as fast as it came Good. How! Let. Put it out, I mean, sir, to interest, to interest. Sir, why, our house hath been a perfect fair ever since you went ; people coming for money every hour of the day. Good. That's very well done; and I long to see my dear boy.--[To LETTICE.]-Knock at the door. Let. He is not at home, sir; and if such a desire to see him Enter SECURITY. you have Good. Even so. How do you do, Lettice? Let. Much at your honour's service, I am heartily glad-it really makes me cry-to see Sec. Your servant, Mrs. Lettice. your honour in such good health. Why, the air Let. Your servant, Mr. Security. Here's a of the Indies hath agreed vastly with you. In-rogue of a usurer, who hath found a proper time deed, sir, you ought to have staid a little longer to ask for his money in! there, for the sake of your health-I would to the Lord you had! [Aside. Good. Well; but how does my son do? And Aside. Sec. Do you know, Mrs. Lettice, that I am weary of following your master, day after day, in this manner, without finding him; and that if Good. Yes, sir; this young woman's master, who lives at that house; Mr. Valentine Goodall is my son. Sec. Yes, sir, he does; and I am very glad you are returned to pay it me. Good. There go two words, though, to that bargain. Let. I believe, sir, you will do it with a great deal of joy, when you know that his owing this money, is purely an effect of his good conduct. Good. Good conduct! Owing money good conduct! Let. Yes, sir; he hath bought a house at the price of two thousand pounds, which every one says is worth more than four; and this he could not have done without borrowing this thousand pound. I am sure, sir, I, and he, and Trusty, ran all over the town to get the money, that he might not lose so good a bargain. He'll pay the money fast enough, now, [Aside. Good. I am overjoyed at my son's behaviour. Sir, you need give yourself no pain about the money; return to-morrow morning, and you shall receive it. vant. Sec. Sir, your word is sufficient for a much greater sum; and I am your very humble ser[Exit SEC. Good. Well, but tell me a little-in what part of the town hath my son bought this house? Let. In what part of the town? but how comes a woman in her circumstances to sell her house? Let. It is impossible, sir, to account for people's actions; besides, poor dear, she is out of her senses. Good. Out of her senses! Let. Yes, sir; her family hath taken out a commission of lunacy against her; and her son, who is a most abandoned prodigal, has sold all she had for half its value. Good. Son! why she was not mrrried when I went away; she could not have a son. Let. O yes she could, sir-She's not married, to be sure; but to the great surprise of every one, and to the great scandal of all our sex, there appeared all of a sudden a very lusty young fellow, of the age of three and twenty, whom she owned to have been her son, and that his father was a grenadier in the first regiment of guards. Good. Oh. monstrous! Let. Ah, sir, if every child in this city knew his own father, if children were to inherit only the estates of those who begot them, it would cause a great confusion in inheritances! Good. Well, but I stand here talking too long; knock at the door. [Aside. Let. What shall I do? Good. You seem in a consternation; no accident hath happened to my son, I hope. Let. No, sir, but- Good. But! but what? Hath any one robbed me in my absence? Let. No, sir; not absolutely robbed you, sir. What shall I say?[Aside. Good. Explain yourself: speak. Let. Oh, sir! I cant withhold my tears no longer- -Enter not I beseech you, sir, your Good. Yes; there are, you know, some quar-house-Sir, your dear house, that you and I, ters better than others—as, for example, this and my poor master loved so much, within these here six months Let. But it is not that. Take particular notice of the house opposite to it; a very handsome house, is it not? Good. Yes; indeed it is. Let. That is not the house. But you may see one with great gates before it, almost opposite to another that fronts a street; at the end of which stands the house which your son hath bought. Good. There is no good house in that street as I remember, but Mrs. Highman's. Let. That's the very house. Good. That is a very good bargain, indeed; i Good. What of my house within these six months Let. Hath been haunted, sir, with the most terrible apparitions that were ever heard or beheld! you'd think the devil himself had taken possession of it: nay, I believe he hath too : all the wild noises in the universe, the squeaking of pigs, the grinding of knives, the whetting of saws, the whistling of winds, the roaring of seas, the hooting of owls, the howling of wolves, the braying of asses, the squalling of children, and the scolding of wives, all put together, make not so hideous a concert. This I myself have heard; nay, and I have seen such sights! one with about twenty heads, and a hundred eyes, and mouths and noses in each. Good. Heyday! the wench is mad! Stand from before the door! I'll see whether the devil can keep me out from my own house. Haunted, indeed! Let. Sir, I have a friendship for you, and you shall not go in. Good. How not go into my own house? Let. No, sir, not till the devil is driven out on't; there are two priests at work upon him now. Hark, I think the devils are dancing a Fandango. Nay, sir, you may listen yourself and get in too, if you can. Good. Ha! by all that's gracious, I hear a aoise! [Laughing within.] What monstrous squalling is that? Let. Why, sir, I am surprised you should think I would impose upon you: had you known the terrors we underwent for a whole fortnight, especially poor I, sir, who lay every night frightened with the sight of the most monstrous large things! there I lay, as quiet as a lamb, fearing every minute what they would do to me Good. Can all this be true, or are you imposing on me? I have indeed heard of such things as apparitions, on just causes, and believe in them; but why they should haunt my house, I can't imagine. Let. Why, sir, they tell me, before you bought the house, there was a pedlar killed in it. Good. A pedlar! I must inquire into all these things. But, in the mean time, I must send this portmanteau to my son's new house. Let. No, sir, that's a little improper at present. Good. What, is that house haunted? Hath the devil taken possession of that house too? Let. No, sir; but Madam Highman hath not yet quitted possession of it. I told you before, sir, that she was out of her senses; and if any one does but mention the sale of her house to her, it throws her into the most violent convul sions. Good. Well, well: I shall know how to humour her madness. Let. I wish, sir, for a day or twoGood. You throw me out of all manner of patience. I am resolved I will go thither this in stant. Let. Here she is herself; but pray remember the condition she is in, and don't do any thing to chagrin her. Enter MRS. HIGHMAN. Mrs. High, What do I see! Mr. Goodall returned? Let. Yes, madam, it is him; but alas! he's not himself-he's distracted; his losses in his voyage have turned his brain, and he is become a downright lunatic. Mrs. High. I am heartily concerned for his misfortune. Poor gentleman! Let. If he should speak to you by chance, have no regard to what he says; we are going to shut him up in a madhouse with all expedition. Mrs. High. [Aside.] He hath a strange wandering in his countenance. Good. [Aside.] How miserably she is altered! She hath a terrible look with her eyes. Mrs. High. Mr. Goodall, your very humble servant. I am glad to see you returned, though i am sorry for your misfortune. Good. I must have patience, and trust in Heaven, and in the power of the priests, who are now endeavouring to lay these wicked spirits, with which my house is haunted; but give me leave to ask you the cause of your phrenzy ; for 1 much question whether this commission of lunacy that has been taken out against you, be not without sufficient proof. Mrs. High. A commission of lunacy against me! me! Good. Lettice, I see she is worse than I imagined. Let. She is very bad now indeed. Mrs. High. However, if you are not more mischievous than you at present seem, I think it is wrong in them to confine you in a madhouse. : Good. Confine me! ha, ha, ha! This is turning the tables upon me indeed! But, Mrs. Highman, I would not have you be uneasy that your house is sold at least, it is better for you that my son hath bought it than another; for you shall have an apartment in it still, in the same manner as if it was still your own, and you were in your senses. Mrs. High. What's all this? As if I was still in my senses! Let me tell you Mr. Goodall, you are a poor distracted wretch, and ought to have an apartment in a dark room, and clean straw. Good. Since you come to that, madam, I shall not let you into my doors; and I give you warning to take away your things, for I shall fill all the rooms with goods within these few days. Enter SLAP, Constable, and Assistants. Slap. That's the door, Mr. Constable. Let. What's to be done now, I wonder? Con. Open the door, in the king's name, or I shall break it open. Good. Who are you, sir, in the devil's name? and what do you want in that house? Slap. Sir, I have a prisoner there, and I have my lord chief justice's warrant against him. Good. For what sum sir? Are you a justice of the peace? Slap. I am one of his majesty's officers, sir; and this day I arrested one Mr. Valentine Goodall, who lives in this house, for two hundred pounds; his servants have rescued him, and I have a judge's warrant for the rescue. Good. What do I hear! But hark'e, friend, that house that you are going to break open, is haunted; and there is no one in it but a couple of priests, who are laying the devil. Slap. I warrant you I lay the devil better than all the priests in Europe. Come, Mr. Constable, do your office, I have no time to lose, sir; I have several other writs to execute before night. Let. I have defended my pass as long as I can, and now I think it is no cowardice to steal [Exit. off. Enter COLONEL BLUFF, and LORD PUFF. Good. Pray, gentlemen, let me see this miracle of a son of mine. Col. That you should, sir, long ago; but, real Col. What, in the devil's name, is the meaning of all this riot? What is the reason scoun-ly, sir, the house is a little out of order, at predrels, that you dare disturb gentlemen who are getting as drunk as lords? do. Slap. Sir we have authority for what we Col. Damn your authority, sir! if you don't go about your business, I shall shew you my authority, and send you all to the devil. Slap. Sir, I desire you would give us leave to enter the house, and seize our prisoner. Col. Not I, upon my honour, sir. Slap. If you oppose us any longer, I shall pro Good. Sir, the master of this house is my son. Col. Sir, your most obedient humble servant; Give me I am overjoyed to see you returned. leave, sir, to introduce you to this gentleman. Good. Sir, your most obedient humble servant. Col. Give me leave to tell you, sir, you have the honour of being father to one of the finest gentlemen of the age: a man so accomplished, so well-bred, and so generous, that I believe he never would part with a guest while he had a shilling in his pocket, nor, indeed, while he could borrow one. Good. I believe, indeed, sir; therefore, you can't wonder if I am impatient to see him. Col. Be not in such haste, dear sir: I want to talk with you about your affairs; I hope you have had good success in the Indies, have cheated the company handsomely, and made an immense fortune? Good. I have no reason to complain. Col. I am glad on't-give me your hand, sir; and so will your son, I dare swear; and let me tell you, it will be very opportune; he began to want it. You can't imagine, sir, what a fine life he has led since you went away-it would do your heart good if you was but to know what an equipage he has kept; what balls and entertainments he has made; he is the talk of the whole town, sir; a man would work with pleasure for such a son; he is a fellow with a soul, damn me! Your fortune won't be thrown away upon him; for, get as much as you please, my life, he spends every farthing! sent; there is but one room furnished in it, and that is so full of company, that I am afraid there would be a small deficiency of chairs. You can't imagine, sir, how opportune you are come; there was not any one thing left in the house to raise any money upon. Good. What, all my pictures gone? Col. He sold them first, sir; he was obliged to sell them for the delicacy of his taste: he certainly is the modestest young fellow in the world, and has complained to me a hundred times, drunk and sober Good. Drunk, sir! what, does my son get drunk? Col. Oh, yes, sir; regularly twice a day. He has complained of the indecent liberty painters take in exposing the breasts and limbs of women; you had, indeed, sir, a very scandalous collection, and he was never easy while they were in the house. Enter VALENTINE. Val. My father returned! oh, let me throw myself at his feet! and believe me, sir, I am at once overjoyed, and ashamed, to see your face. Col. I told you, sir, he was one of the modestest young fellows in England. Good. You may very well be ashamed; but come, let me see the inside of my house; let me see that both sides of my walls are standing. Val. Sir, I have a great deal of company within, of the first fashion, and beg you would not expose me before them. Good. Oh, sir! I am their very humble servant; I am infinitely obliged to all the persons of fashion, that they will so generously condescend to eat a poor citizen out of house and home. Col. Hark'e, Val? shall we toss this old fellow in a blanket? Val. Sir, I trust in your good nature and forgiveness; and will wait on you in. Good. Oh, that ever I should live to see this [Exeunt. day! SCENE II.-A dining room. LORD PUFF, and several gentlemen and ladies discovered at a table. Enter GOODALL and VALENTINE. Val. Gentlemen, my father being just arrived from the Indies, desires to make one of this good company. Good. My good lords, (that I may affront none by calling him beneath his title) I am highly sensible of the great honour you do myself and my son, by filling my poor house with your noble persons, and your noble persons with my poor wine and provisions. Lord Puff. Sir! Rat me! I would have you know, I think I do you too much honour in en tering into your doors. But I am glad you have taught me at what distance to keep such mechanics for the future. Come, gentlemen, let us to the opera. I see if a man hath not good blood in his veins, riches won't teach him to behave like a gentleman. [Exit LORD PUFF. Good. 'Sbodlikins! I am in a rage! That ever a fellow should upbraid me with good blood in his veins, when, odsheart! the best blood in his veins hath run through my bottles. Come, sir, follow your companions; for I am determined to turn you out directly. Enter CHARLotte. Char. Then, sir, I am determined to go with him. Be comforted, Valentine; I have some fortune which my aunt cannot prevent me from, and it will make us happy, for a while at least; and I prefer a year, a month, a day, with the man I love, to a whole stupid age without him. [AS VALENTINE and CHARLOTTE are going, they are met by MRS. HIGHMAN and LETTICE. Mrs. High. What do I see! my niece in the very arms of her betrayer! Let. I humbly ask pardon of you both-but my master was so heartily in love with your niece, and she so heartily in love with my ma ster, that I was determined to leave no stone unturned to bring them together. Good. Eh! Egad, I like her generous passion for my son so much, that if you, madam, will give her a fortune equal to what I shall settle on him, I shall not prevent their happiness. Mrs. High. Won't you? Then I shall do all in my power to make it a match. Let. And so, sir, you take no notice of poor Lettice? but, statesman like, your own turn served, forget your friends? |