Hudibras' Religion

FOR his religion, it was fit

To match his learning and his wit;
'Twas Presbyterian, true blue;

For he was of that stubborn crew
Of errant saints, whom all men grant
To be the true Church Militant;
Such as do build their faith upon
The holy text of pike and gun;
Decide all controversies by
Infallible artillery;

And prove their doctrine orthodox
By apostolic blows, and knocks;
Call fire, and sword, and desolation,
A godly, thorough Reformation,
Which always must be carried on,
And still be doing, never done;
As if religion were intended
For nothing else but to be mended:
A sect, whose chief devotion lies
In odd perverse antipathies;
In falling out with that or this,
And finding somewhat still amiss;
More peevish, cross, and splenetic,
Than dog distract or monkey sick;
That with more care keep holy-day
The wrong, than others the right way;

Compound for sins they are inclined to,
By damning those they have no mind to;
Still so perverse and opposite,

As if they worshipped God for spite.
The selfsame thing they will abhor
One way, and long another for.
Free-will they one way disavow,
Another, nothing else allow.
All piety consists therein

In them, in other men all sin.
Rather than fail, they will defy

That which they love most tenderly,

Quarrel with minced-pies, and disparage

Their best and dearest friend-plum-porridge;
Fat pig and goose itself oppose,

And blaspheme custard through the nose.

Th' apostles of this fierce religion,

Like Mahomet's, were ass and widgeon,

To whom our knight, by fast instinct

Of wit and temper, was so linked,

As if hypocrisy and nonsense

Had got the advowson of his conscience.

"Hudibras."

Dialogue with an Infernal Elf

QUOTH he, "I am resolved to be
Thy scholar in this mystery,

And therefore first desire to know
Some principles on which you go.

What makes a knave a child of God,

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And one of us?" A livelihood." "What renders beating out of brains, And murder, godliness?" "Great gains." "What's tender conscience?" "'Tis a botch That will not bear the gentlest touch; But, breaking out, despatches more Than th' epidemical'st plague-sore."

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What makes y' incroach upon our trade, And damn all others?" "To be paid." "What's orthodox and true believing Against a conscience?" "A good living." "What makes rebelling against kings A good old cause?" "Administ'rings."

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What makes all doctrines plain and clear?” "About two hundred pounds a-year."

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And that which was proved true before,

Prove false again?" "Two hundred more."

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What makes the breaking of all oaths

A holy duty?" "Food and clothes." "What laws and freedom, persecution?" "Being out of power, and contribution." "What makes a church a den of thieves?"

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"A dean and chapter, and white sleeves."

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And what would serve, if those were gone, To make it orthodox?" Our own."

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"What makes morality a crime,

The most notorious of the time-
Morality, which both the saints
And wicked too cry out against?"
"'Cause grace and virtue are within
Prohibited degrees of kin;

'And therefore no true saint allows
They shall be suffered to espouse;
For saints can need no conscience,
That with morality dispense;
As virtue's impious, when 'tis rooted
In nature only, and not imputed;
But why the wicked should do so,
We neither know, nor care to do."
"What's liberty of conscience,

I' th' natural and genuine sense?”
"'Tis to restore, with more security,
Rebellion to its ancient purity,
And Christian liberty reduce
To th' elder practice of the Jews;
For a large conscience is all one,
'And signifies the same with none."
"It is enough," quoth he, "for once,
And has reprieved thy forfeit bones:
Nick Machiavel had ne'er a trick,
Though he gave's name to our Old Nick,
But was below the least of these,
That pass i' th' world for holiness."

"Hudibras."

Samuel Pepys

Extracts from the Diary

A Christening

ROSE early, and put six spoons and a porringer of silver in my pocket to give away to-day. To dinner at Sir William Batten's; and then, after a walk in the fine gardens, we went to Mrs. Browne's, where Sir W. Pen and I were godfathers, and Mrs. Jordan and Shipman godmothers to her boy. And there, before and after the christening, we were with the woman above in her chamber; but whether we carried ourselves well or ill, I know not; but I was directed by young Mrs. Batten. One passage of a lady that ate wafers with her dog did a little displease me. I did give the midwife IOS. and the nurse 5s. and the maid of the house 25. But for as much I expected to give the name to the child, but did not (it being called John), I forbore then to give my plate.

On Dress

THIS morning came home my fine Camlett cloak, with gold buttons, and a silk suit, which cost me much money, and I pray God to make me able to pay for it. In the afternoon to the Abbey, where a good sermon by a stranger, but no Common Prayer yet. . . .

To my great sorrow find myself £43 worse than I was the last month, which was then £760, and now it is but £717. But it hath chiefly arisen from my layings-out in clothes for myself and wife; viz., for her about £12 and for myself £55,