CHAPTER III.

Containing the fearful wrath of William the Testy, and the great dolor of the New-Amsterdammers, because of the affair of Fort Goed Hoop. And moreover how William the Testy did strongly fortify the city.-Together with the exploits of Stoffel Brinkerhoff.

LANGUAGE cannot express the prodigious fury, into which the testy Wilhelmus Kieft was thrown by this provoking intelligence. For three good hours the rage of the little man was too great for words, or rather the words were too great for him; and he was nearly choked by some dozen huge, misshapen, nine cornered Dutch oaths, that crowded all at once into his gullet. Having blazed off the first broadside, he kept up a constant firing for three whole days-anathematizing the Yankees, man, woman, and child, body and soul, for a set of dieven, schobbejaken, deugenieten, twist-zoekeren, loozen-schalken, blaes-kaken, kakken-bedden, and a thousand other names of which, unfortunately for posterity, history does not make particular mention. Finally he swore that he would have nothing more to do with such a squatting, bundling, guessing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin-eating, molasses-daubing, shingle-splitting, cider-watering, horse-jockeying, notionpeddling crew-that they might stay at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before he would dirty his hands by attempting to drive them away; in proof of which he ordered the new raised troops to be marched forthwith into winter-quarters, although it was not as yet quite midsummer. vernor Kieft faithfully kept his word, and his adversaries as faithfully kept their post; and thus the glorious river Connecticut, and all the gay valleys through which it rolls, together with the salmon, shad, and other fish within its

Go

waters, fell into the hands of the victorious Yankees, by whom they are held at this very day.

Great despondency seized upon the city of New-Amsterdam, in consequence of these melancholy events. The name of Yankee became as terrible among our good ancestors, as was that of Gaul among the ancient Romans: and all the sage old women of the province used it as a bugbear, wherewith to frighten their unruly children into obedience.

The eyes of all the province were now turned upon their governor, to know what he would do for the protection of the common weal, in these days, of darkness and peril. Great apprehensions prevailed among the reflecting part of the community, especially the old women, that these terrible warriors of Connecticut, not content with the conquest of Fort Goed Hoop, would incontinently march on to New-Amsterdam and take it by storm-and as these old ladies, through means of the governor's spouse, who, as has been already hinted, was "the better horse," had obtained considerable influence in public affairs, keeping the province under a kind of petticoat government, it was determined that measures should be taken for the effective fortification of the city.

Now it happened that at this time there sojourned in New-Amsterdam one Anthony Van Corlear, a jolly fat Dutch trumpeter, of a pleasant burley visage, famous for his long wind and his huge whiskers; and who, as the story goes, could twang so potently upon his instrument, as to produce an effect upon all within hearing, as though ten thousand bagpipes were singing most lustily i' the

David Pietrez De Vries in his "Reyze naer Nieuw-Nederlandt onder het year 1640," makes mention of one Corlear, a trumpeter in Fort Amsterdam, who gave name to Corlear's Hook, and who was doubtless this same champion, described by Mr. Knickerbocker.— EDITOR.

nose. Him did the illustrious Kieft pick out as the man of all the world, and most fitted to be the champion of New-Amsterdam, and to garrison its fort; making little doubt but that his instrument would be as effectual and offensive in war as was that of the Paladin Astolpho, or the more classic horn of Alecto. It would have done one's heart good to have seen the governor snapping his fingers and fidgetting with delight, while his sturdy trumpeter strutted up and down the ramparts, fearlessly twanging his trumpet in the face of the whole world, like a thrice valorous editor, daringly insulting all the principalities and powers on the other side of the Atlantic.

Nor was he content with thus strongly garrisoning the fort, but he likewise added exceedingly to its strength, by furnishing it with a formidable battery of quaker-gunsrearing a stupendous flag-staff in the centre, which overtopped the whole city-and moreover by building a great windmill on one of the bastions. * This last, to be sure, was somewhat of a novelty in the art of fortification, but as I have already observed, William Kieft was notorious for innovations and experiments, and traditions do affirm that he was much given to mechanical inventions-constructing patent smoke-jacks-carts that went before the horses-and especially erecting windmills, for which machines he had acquired a singular predilection in his native town of Saardam,

All these scientific vagaries of the little governor were cried up with ecstacy by his adherents, as proofs of his universal genius; but there were not wanting ill-natured grumblers, who railed at him as employing his mind in frivolous pursuits, and devoting that time to smoke-jacks

De Vries mentions that this windmill stood on the south-east bastion, and it is likewise to be seen, together with the flag-staff, in Justus Danker's View of New-Amsterdam, prefixed to this history.

and windmills, which should have been occupied in the more important concerns of the province. Nay, they even went so far as to hint once or twice, that his head was turned by his experiments, and that he really thought to manage his government, as he did his mills-by mere wind! Such is the illiberality and slander to which enlightened rulers are ever subject.

Notwithstanding all the measures, therefore, of William the Testy to place the city in a posture of defence, the inhabitants continued in great alarm and despondency. But Fortune, who seems always careful, in the very nick of time, to throw a bone for Hope to feed upon, that the starveling elf may be kept alive, did about this time crown the arms of the province with success in another quarter, and thus cheered the drooping hearts of the forlorn Nederlanders; otherwise there is no knowing to what lengths they might have gone in the excess of their sorrowing"for grief," says the profound historian of the seven champions of Christendom," is companion with despair, and despair a procurer of infamous death!"

Among the numerous inroads of the Moss-troopers of Connecticut, which, for some time past, had occasioned such great tribulation, I should particularly have mentioned a settlement made on the eastern part of LongIsland, at a place which, from the peculiar excellence of its shell-fish, was called Oyster Bay. This was attacking the province in a most sensible part, and occasioned great agitation at New-Amsterdam.

It is an incontrovertible fact, well known to skilful physiologists, that the high road to the affections is through the throat; and this may be accounted for on the same principles which I have already quoted in my strictures on fat aldermen. Nor is the fact unknown to the world at large; and hence do we observe, that the surest way to gain the hearts of the million, is to feed them well-and that a man is never so disposed to flatter, to please and

serve another, as when he is feeding at his expense; which is one reason why your rich men, who give frequent dinners, have such abundance of sincere and faithful friends.

It is on this principle that our knowing leaders of parties secure the affections of their partizans, by rewarding them bountifully with loaves and fishes; and entrap the suffrages of the greasy mob, by treating them with bull feasts and roasted oxen. I have known many a man, in this same city, acquire considerable importance in society, and usurp a large share of the good-will of his fellow citizens, when the only thing that could be said in his eulogium was," that he gave a good dinner, and kept excellent wine."

Since then the heart and the stomach are so nearly allied, it follows conclusively that what affects the one must sympathetically affect the other. Now it is an equally incontrovertible fact, that of all offerings to the stomach, there is none more grateful than the testaceous marine animal, known commonly by the vulgar name of Oyster. And in such great reverence has it ever been held by my gormandizing fellow citizens, that temples have been dedicated to it, time out of mind, in every street, lane, and alley, throughout this well-fed city. It is not to be expected, therefore, that the seizing of Oyster Bay, a place. abounding with their favourite delicacy, would be tolerated by the inhabitants of New-Amsterdam. An attack upon

their honour they might have pardoned; even the massacre of a few citizens might have been passed over in silence; but an outrage that affected the larders of the great city of New-Amsterdam, and threatened the stomachs of its corpulent burgomasters, was too serious to pass unrevenged. The whole council was unanimous in opinion; that the intruders should be immediately driven by force of arms from Oyster Bay and its vicinity, and a detachment was accordingly despatched for the purpose, under command of one Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or Brinkerhoofd (i. e. Stoffel,