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Not enny ov this sort ov aristokrasy for Joshua Billings. I never should think ov mixing munny and aristokrasy together; i will take mine separate, if yu pleze.
I don't never expekt tew be an aristokrat, nor an angel; i don't kno az i want tew be one.
I certainly should make a miserable angel.
I certainly never shall hav munny enuff tew make an aristokrat.
Raizing aristokrats iz a dredful poor bizzness; yu don't never git your seed back.
One democrat iz worth more tew the world than 60 thousand manufaktured aristokrats.
An Amerikan aristokrat iz the most ridikilus thing in market. They are generally ashamed ov their ansesstors; and, if they hav enny, and live long enuff, they generally hav cause tew be ashamed ov their posterity.
I kno ov sevral familys in Amerika who are trieing tew liv on their aristokrasy. The money and branes giv out sumtime ago.
It iz hard skratching for them.
Yu kan warm up kold potatoze and liv on them, but yu kant warm up aristokratik pride and git even a smell.
Yu might az well undertake tew raze a krop ov korn in a deserted brikyard by manuring the ground heavy with tanbark.
Yung man, set down, and keep still-yu will hav plenty ov chances yet to make a phool ov yureself before yu die.
THE bumblebee iz a kind ov big fly who goes muttering and swareing around the lots, during the summer, looking after little boys to sting them, and stealing hunny out ov the dandylions and thissells. He iz mad all the time about sumthing, and don't seem to kare a kuss what people think ov him. A skoolboy will studdy harder enny time to find a bumblebee's nest than he will to get hiz lesson in arithmetik, and when he haz found it, and got the hunny out ov it, and got badly stung into the bargin, he finds thare ain't mutch margin in it. Next to poor molassis, bumblebee hunny iz the poorest kind ov sweetmeats in market. Bumblebees hav allwuss been in fashion, and probably allwuss will be, but whare the fun or proffit lays in them i never could cypher out. The proffit don't seem to be in the hunny, nor in the bumblebee neither. They bild their nest in the ground, or enny whare else they take a noshun to. It ain't afrade to fite a whole distrikt skool if they meddle with them. I don't blame the bumblebee, nor enny other fellow, for defending hiz sugar: it iz the fust and last Law ov natur, and i hope the law won't never run out. The smartest thing about the bumblebee iz their stinger.
“Benzine.”—Men who hav a grate deal to do with hosses seem tew demoralize faster than the hosses do.
Hosses are like dice, and kards; altho they are virtewous enuff themselves, how natral it iz tew gambol with them.
Hosses luv the society ov man, and being susceptible ov grate deceit, they will learn a man how to cheat and lie before he knows it.
I know lots ov folks who are real pius, and who are honest enuff tew work up into united estate accessors, and hav sum good-sized moral chunks left over, but when they cum tew tork hoss they want az mutch look after az a case ov dipthery.
"Benvolio."-In writing for yu an analasiss ov the frog, i must confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, "verbatus ad liberating," from the works ov a selebrated French writer on natural history, ov the 16th sentry.
The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, without cuming tew a head.
He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and iz accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with uncommon limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon before long, in a few daze, his tail iz no more, and legs begin to emerge from the south end ov the animal; and from the north end, at the same time, may be seen a disposition tew head out.
In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust time in his life begins tew git his head abuv water.
His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze more, he may be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole, and looking at the dinner baskets ov the children on their way tew the distrikt skoolhous.
Az the children cum more nearer, with a club or chunk ov a brickbat in his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on his behind leggs, and enters the water, head fust, without opening the door.
Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell of time, until he gits tew be 21, and then his life iz more ramified.
Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from sin az an oyster.
I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his honest dets and took the daily papers.
I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before leggs or not, and if he don't it ain't ennyboddy's bizzness but the frog's.
Their hind leggs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov him won't pay for eating.
A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well and not git tired.
MARRIAGE iz a fair transaction on the face ov it.
It iz an old institushun, older than the pyramids, and az phull ov hyrogliphicks that noboddy kan parse.
History holds its tounge who the pair waz who fust put on the silken harness, and promised tew work kind in it, thru thick and thin, up hill and down, and on the level, rain or shine, survive or perish, sink or swim, drown or flote.
But whoever they waz they must hav made a good thing out ov it, or so menny ov their posterity would not hav harnessed up since and drov out.
Thare iz a grate moral grip in marriage; it iz the mortar that holds the soshull bricks together.
But there ain't but darn few pholks who put their money in matrimony who could set down and giv a good written opinyun whi on arth they cum to did it.
This iz a grate proof that it iz one ov them natral kind ov
acksidents that must happen, jist az birds fly out ov the nest, when they hav feathers enuff, without being able tew tell why. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky.
Sum marry for money, and-don't see it.
Sum marry for pedigree, and feel big for six months, and then very sensibly cum tew the conclusion that pedigree ain't no better than skimmilk.
Sum marry tew pleze their relashuns, and are surprized tew learn that their relashuns don't care a cuss for them afterwards. Sum marry bekauze they hav bin highsted sum whare else; this iz a cross match, a bay and a sorrel; pride may make it endurable.
Sum marry for love without a cent in their pocket, nor a friend in the world, nor a drop ov pedigree. This looks desperate, but it iz the strength ov the game.
If marrying for love ain't a suckcess, then matrimony iz a ded beet.
Sum marry bekauze they think wimmin will be skarse next year, and liv tew wonder how the crop holds out.
Sum marry tew git rid ov themselfs, and diskover that the game waz one that two could play at, and neither win.
Sum marry the seckond time to git even, and find it a gambling game, the more they put down, the less they take up. Sum marry tew be happy, and not finding it, wonder whare all the happiness on earth goes to when it dies.
Sum marry, they kan't tell whi, and liv, they kan't tell how.
Sum think it over careful fust, and then set down and marry. Both ways are right, if they hit the mark.