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Sum marry rakes tew convert them. This iz a little risky, and takes a smart missionary to do it.
Sum marry coquetts. This iz like buying a poor farm, heavily mortgaged, and working the balance ov yure days tew clear oph the mortgages.
Married life haz its chances, and this iz just what gives it its flavor. Every body luvs tew phool with the chances, bekauze every boddy expekts tew win. But i am authorized tew state that every boddy don't win.
But, after all, married life iz full az certain az the dry goods bizziness.
No man kan swear exackly whare he will fetch up when he touches calico.
Kno man kan tell jist what calico haz made up its mind tew do next.
Calico don't kno even herself.
Dri goods ov all kinds iz the child ov circumstansis.
Sum never marry, but this iz jist az risky, the diseaze iz the same, with no other name to it.
The man who stands on the bank shivvering, and dassent, iz more apt tew ketch cold, than him who pitches hiz hed fust into the river.
Thare iz but phew who never marry bekauze they won't; they all hanker, and most ov them starve with slices ov bread before them (spread on both sides), jist for the lack ov grit.
Marry yung! iz mi motto.
I hav tried it, and kno what i am talkin about.
If enny boddy asks yu whi yu got married (if it needs be), tell him, yu don't reccollekt.
Marriage iz a safe way to gamble-if yu win, yu win a pile, and if yu loze, yu don't loze enny thing, only the privilege ov living dismally alone, and soaking yure own feet.
I repeat it, in italicks, marry young!
Thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that iz-a second marriage.-"Complete Works."
The Bizzy Body
I DON'T mean the industrious man, intent, and constant in the way of duty, but he who, like a hen, tired ov setting, cums clucking oph from the nest in a grate hurry, and full ov sputter, az fat spilt on the fire; scratching a little here, and suddenly a little thare; chuck full ov small things, like a ritch cheeze; up and down the streets, wagging around evry boddy, like a lorst dorg; in and out like a long-tailed mouse; az full ov bizzness az a pissmire, just before a hard shower; more questions tew ask than a prosekuting attorney; az fat with pertikulars az an inditement for hog stealing; as knowing az a tin weathercock.
This breed ov folks do a small bizzness on a big capital, they alwus know all the sekrets within ten miles, that aint worth keeping, they are a bundle of faggot fakts, and kan tell which sow in the neighborhood haz got the most pigs, and what Squire Benson got for marrying hiz last couple.
All ov this iz the result ov not knowing how to use a few brains to advantage, if they only knew a little less they would be fools, and a little more would enable them to tend a fresh lettered gideboard, with credit to themselfs, and not confusion to the travelers.
The Bizzy Body iz az full ov leizure az a yearling heifer, hiz time (nor noboddy else's) aint worth nothing to him, he will button hole an auctioneer on the block, or a minister in the
pulpit, and wouldn't hesitate tew stop a phuneral procession to ask what the corpse died of. They are az familiar with every boddy az a cockroach, but are no more use to you, az a friend, than a sucked orange.
Theze bizzy people are of awl genders-maskuline, feminine and nuter, and sumtimes are old maids, and then are az necessary in a community as dried herbs in the garret.
One bizzy old maid, who enjoys her vittles, and dont keep a lot ov tame kats for stiddy employment, is worth more than a daily paper; she iz better than the "Cook's Own Book," or a volume of household receipts, and works harder and makes more trips every day than a railroad hoss on the Third avenue
The bizzybody iz generally az free from malice az a fly; he lights on you only for a roost, but iz always az unprofitable to know, or to hav ennything to do with, az a jewelry peddlar.
Thare are sum ov the bizzy folks who are like the hornets -never bizzy only with their stings. Theze are vipers, and are to be feared, not trifled with; but my bizzybody has no gaul in his liver; his whole karackter iz his face, and he iz as eazy to inventory az the baggage of a traveling colporter.
They are a cheerful, moderately virtuous, extremely patient, modestly impudent, ginger-pop set ov vagrants, who have got more leggs than brains, and whose really greatest sin iz not their waste ov facultys, but waste ov time. But time, to one ov theze fellows, flies as unconscious az it duz tew a tin watch in a toy shop window.
They are welcomed, not bekauze they are necessary, but bekauze they aint feared, and are soon dropt, like peanut shells, on the floor.
Thare iz no radikal cure for the bizzybody, no more than thare iz for the fleas in a long-haired dogg-if yu git rid ov
the fleas yu hav got the dogg left, and if yu git rid ov the dogg yu hav got the fleas left, and so, whare are you?
Bizzyness and bissness are two diffrent things, altho they pronounce out loud similar.
But after all i don't want tew git shut ov the Bizzy people; they are a noosanse for a small amount, but sumboddy haz got to be a noosance, and being aktive about nothing, and energetically lazy, iz no doubt a virtuous dodge, but iz 10 per cent better than counterfitting, or even the grand larceny bizziness. Thare iz one thing about them, they are seldum deceitful, they trade on a floating capital, and only deal in second-hand articles; they haint got the tallent to invent, they seldum lie, bekauze their bizziness don't require it; thare iz stale truth enuff lieing around loose for their purpose.
Don't trust them only with what you want to have scattered, they will find a ready market for every thing that a prudent man would hesitate tew offer, and they always suppoze they are learned, for they mistake rumors, skandals, and gossip for wisdum.
It iz a sad sight to see a whole life being swooped off for the glory of telling what good people don't love to hear, and what viscious ones only value for the malice it contains. I should rather be the keeper ov a rat pit, or ketch kats for a shilling a head to feed an anaconda with.-"Complete Works."
I WOULD jist like to kno who the man waz who fust invented tite boots.
He must hav bin a narrow and kontrakted kuss.
If he still lives, i hope he haz repented ov hiz sin, or iz enjoying grate agony ov sum kind.
I hav bin in a grate menny tite spots in mi life, but generally could manage to make them average; but thare iz no sich thing az making a pair of tite boots average.
Enny man who kan wear a pair ov tite boots, and be humble, and penitent, and not indulge profane literature, will make a good husband.
Oh! for the pen ov departed Wm. Shakspear, to write an anethema aginst tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake up, and howl agin az she did once before on a previous ockashun.
Oh! for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings all the tite boots ov creashun, and skatter them tew the 8 winds ov heaven.
Oh! for the buty ov Venus, tew make a bigg foot look hansum without a tite boot on it.
Oh! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apostle, to nuss a tite boot and bles it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more pinchfull.
Oh! for a pair of boots bigg enuff for the foot ov a mountain.
I have been led into the above assortment ov Oh's! from having in my posseshun, at this moment, a pair ov number nine boots, with a pair ov number eleven feet in them.