The goose, exalted on a stool,
Insisted on his claim to Poole ;
While the calves had many rows,

On who should fill the seat for Cowes,
Which wanted Members in the House;
A hog put in his strong petition,
As "ORGAN of the Opposition."
While the asses, in bad causes,

Could cheer them with their bray'd applauses.
Thus the crew kept up their whining,
Until the hour arriv'd for dining;
And when they saw it smoke on table,
They all fell to, as hard as able;
The hogs ate pork, the goose ate gosling,
The calves for veal in anger jostling;
The brutes, for want of other dishes,
More brutish, swallow'd their own species;
While the poor unhappy ass

Was forc'd to feed on sparrow-grass.
Then came the wine, and such a sight
Will sure again ne'er come to light;
They scrambled who should swallow first;
Then swill'd it till they almost burst ;
And when the scene they would abandon,
The four legs had not one to stand on.
At length the waiters interfer'd,
By dint of strength th' apartment clear'd;
And those who could not keep their feet,
They left to wallow in the street.
From such Reformers as we see live,
Protect us, Heaven! as long as we live!

IMPROVEMENTS.

to the ediTOR OF THE MORNING CHRONICLE.

[June 15.]

SIR,

YOUR OUR numerous readers, who are well-wishers to this proud metropolis, and to the country in ge neral, will be pleased to learn, that the following im

provements

1

provements are in contemplation:-To augment the number of barrow-women, monthly reviewers, and daily papers. To reduce those parts of the Strand, Fleet Street, and Cheapside, designed for foot-passengers, to one half of their present dimensions; and, at least, to double the print-shops. To prohibit Mr. Martin V. B. from shaving. To order a larger assemblage of prostitutes and pick-pockets to attend at the door of the little theatre, Haymarket; and, in the season, at the front of the Lyceum, and under the Piazza of Covent Garden. To have six horses to every coal-cart, and no fewer than twenty brewers teams to go in a string. The watch to be in future composed of old men, and persons of one leg each; those deaf and blind to be preferred. The seats in St. James's Park to be a little more broken, and a few loads of rough gravel to be laid on the walks every Saturday evening. All dead bodies to be buried in churches, and as near the surface of the ground as possible. The doors of entrance and exit at Kensington Gardens to be made narrower. St. Paul's St. Paul's to be moved into Warwick Lane; and Exeter Change to advance further into the street. To triple the number of candle-makers' and soap-boilers' shops throughout the capital, and erect steam-engines in every street. To loosen the stoppers of all coal-vaults in London and Westminster, and diminish the glare of the lamps in every parish. More stage-coaches to collect opposite the White-horse Cellar, Piccadilly. To reduce the size of the galleries in the H. of C. During this vacation, to enlarge Covent Garden Theatre to twice its present magnitude; raise the prices of admission; engage two hundred cast troop-horses at liberal salaries; and dismiss all human actors and actresses as unnecessary. To give hereafter all the prizes in the lottery to the contractors. To infuse more water into the porter

f

usually consumed; and appoint larger allowances of bone to all mutton chops. I remain, Sir,

Most profoundly yours,

June 8, Swan Tavern, near St. Martin's Lane.

EPIGRAM.

[From the Morning Post, June 18.]

-E'en such a man, so woe-begone!

E. M.

SHAKSPEARE.

WHEN Wardle began the political line,

The world all predicted his speedy decline; But his friends, as excusing, one reason would quote'Twas a contract refus'd for an army great coat. But when on reforming abuses he spoke,

For the coat they agreed-his reform was a cloak.

WH

ANOTHER.

HEN Uproar for Freedom no longer shall pass,
With Waithman departed; the skin of the ass
May still stand in very good stead :

For the use of our army, then chang'd to a drum,
Though troublesome once, he may useful become,
And still make a noise though he's dead.

ROYAL BALL.

[From the Morning Herald, June 18.]

Laugh at the pert and foolish; if they're sore,
So much the better-you may laugh the more!"

POPE.

THE 'splenetic conversazionis which have prevailed for some days, amongst those who could not reasonably have expected to receive cards of invitation, are whimsical beyond measure, and would afford matter in plenty for an additional scene to the School for

Scandal.

Scandal. The following sketch of a dialogue that took place a day or two past, may give some idea of va rious other colloquies, which the disappointed hopes and pride of the mortified and resentful have called forth :

SCENE-Berkeley Square.

Lady BAB RESTLESS, Hon. Mrs. UPTONGUE, Miss JUNIPER, and Sir HARRY EASY, seated.

Sir Harry Easy. Nay, nay, every body, you know, my dear Lady Bab, could not have been thought of. Lady Bab. But if you please, Sir Harry, nobody of my rank in life ought to have been forgotten!

Miss J. Lady Juniper, my mamma, might have had tickets for us both, had she condescended to owe an obligation to a page of the back stairs.

Sir Harry E-. I don't doubt it, my dear.

Hon. Mrs. U. For my part, I can bear any mortification but silent contempt. My grandmother, by my revered father's side, was bedchamber-woman to the Princess Dowager of Ws; of course,' we call ourselves of the family, and therefore ought not to have been neglected!

Miss J. And sure there's no such mighty favour in it; for I am well informed, that there will be plenty of tickets on Wednesday morning, at Hookham's, dog-cheap, after all.

Lady Bab. What a ridiculous melange there must be!

If all should come who are invited, there will be some miraculous appearances, as tickets are gone out to three Dowager Countesses, and two Baronets' widows, who have lain quietly in their graves for seven years, to my knowledge.-General laugh.)

Sir Harry. Very good, Lady Bab!
Miss J. How preposterous!

Lady Bab. It can be but a Bartholomew-fair business, after all the fuss that has been made about it;

for Shn, who you know is manager, told me but this very morning, that he was obliged to send an express down to Birmingham for the acting horses to come up to entertain the company!>

Hon. Mrs. U. How brutal!

Sir Harry. Too excellent, fear, to be true!

Miss J. I heard him tell my mamma the very same thing, 'pon honour!

Hon. Mrs. U. Then as to the national good they talk so much about; though I think I am full as charitable as my neighbours, I cannot see what earthly good can arise from setting the Spital Fields weavers, and other raw-bone fellows, to work in this way, who might be more usefully employed in fighting against that monster Buonaparte in Spain and Portugal!

Sir Harry. But surely, Ma'am-thus dispensing bread to so many deserving families of the indigent, and in such distressful times

Miss J. Nonsense, Sir Harry!-Have we not asylums and workhouses for them in plenty?

Hon. Mrs. U. But you have a ticket, Lady Bab, no doubt ?

Lady Bab. Not I.-Knowing what kind of affair it would be, I wrote to Colonel Thing-a'-me, desiring that I might not be troubled with a card.

Sir Harry. That's rather strange, Lady Bab! Pray how long may this kind of capriccio

Lady Bab. Not at all strange, Sir! Why, you heard me say a hundred times, that I would not have gone to it for the world.

ཀ ཡས

Sir Harry. Certainly so-and there was so much fiction, as well as fancy, in the idea, that I have thought it worth while thus to record it in jingle:

"I would not go for all the world,
The thing will be so low !"
"That is, my Lady Bab," quoth I,
"You'd give the world to go!"'

Lady