ΑΝΟΝ. Young man, don't get too foxy. If you happen to get in possegsion of a few dollars, act just as you did before you got them. Don't swell up and burst! If you have a good share of brains you won't do this; you will remember that neither money, clothes nor good looks make the man, and that worth is as often garbed in a ragged coat as in broadcloth. Don't stand on hotel steps, dangling your watch chain and talking "hoss." Those who load themselves with airs are the smallest kind of potatoes, and the fewest in the hill. A fat job often spoils young men of weak minds. They immediately commence to dress fine, and take great pride in cultivating an aldermanic corporosity and a sporting air. Sensible people are always disgusted with such actions when they deign to notice them, which is very seldom,



Within the fields, one summer day,
A strong-lunged ass began to bray;
The uplands echoed back his voice-
To hear it made his heart rejoice.
“Ah, what a pity !" cried the ass,
"That I should longer feed on grass;
My lungs are strong, my voice is loud,
At concerts I might draw a crowd;
List to my music, how it fills
The valleys sleeping 'mong the hills;

Tis sweet, I know, for, look ! see what
Great ears for music I have got."
A great musician heard the din
While passing with his violin ;
He stopped awhile upon his way
Ard bade the old ass cease to bray.

“My long-eared friend," the fiddler said,
“This neighborhood must wish you dead;
For worse than any sounding brass
Is your coarse braying, Mr. Ass;
If you wish music, cease your din,
And listen to my violin.”
He rubbed the resin on his bow;
He tried the notes both high and low;
Making a stone do for a chair,
He played a grand, soul-stirring air.
Ere he had ceased his tune to play,
The ass began again to bray ;
Nor violin, nor song of bird
Could for a moment then be heard.
At last the old ass dropped his head,
And to the old musician said:
“Music is sound, my friend, you see-
Therefore all sounds must music be;
Of mine the world will be the proudest,
Because, my friend, it is the loudest."
What more could the musician say?
What further do than let him bray ?
He wandered off through twilight dim-
Ass wisdom was too much for him.

How many men we daily pass
Who reason like this braying ass!
They grow to men from braggart boys,
And think that brains must make a noise,
They gain high seats in synagogues,
No mystery their vision fogs:
Whene'er they lack for argument
They give their store of gas a vent;
And wise men whisper, as they pass,
“There goes a self-conceited ass."

JOSH BILLINGS ON LAUGHING. Laffing is strickly amuzement, altho' sum folks make a bizness ov it.

It has been considered an index to a man's karacter, and thar is sum so klose a reasoning that tha can tell what a man had for din. ner by seeing him laff.

I never saw. 2 laff alike.

While thar are sum that don't make enny noise, and sum ag'in who hav music in ther laff, thar's others who laff just as a rat does who has caught a steel trap with his tale. There is no mistake in the assertion that it iz a comfort to hear sum laffs that com romping out ov a man's mouth, like a districk school ov young girls just let out to play.

Men who never laff may have good hearts but they are deepseated-like sum springs they have the inlet and outlet from below, and show no sparkling bubble on the brim.

I don't like a gigler; his kind of laff is like the dandy-lion, a bread yeller and not a bit ov good smell about it.

It is true that enny kind ov a laff that looks out ov a man's eyes fust to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimples ov his cheek and rides an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell at the corner ov his mouth like a thing ov life, then bursts its bonds ov beauty and fills the air for a moment with a shower of silvery tongued sparks, then steals back with a smile tew its lair in the heart, tew watch agin for its prey-this iz the kind ov laff that I luv and ain't afraid ov.


A OANNI BALLAD. Cincinnati Commercial.)
It's about an ancient cannibal man,
Who came from an island near Japan,
A cannibal man who was tough and old
When Barnum bought him and paid the gold;
And whether the man or Barnum was sold

You will learn in this solemn story,

His teeth were sharp as the teeth of a saw
And he had two rows in his lower jaw,
Filed and polished, and ready for use
On any customer full of juice,
Or the first fine baby that lay around loose,

For babies were all his glory.
A sad mistake for a cannibal band
To come to an almost babyless land,
For babies are strangely out of style ;
You may travel the country many a mile
Without the light of a baby smile,

Unless with the Dutch and Irish.
But Barnum kept his man in a cage,
Though he felt quite sure, at the fellow's age,
That his cannibalistic feats were done,
Unless he should eat a man for fun,
And once on the sly he fed him one,

Which wasn't a wise proceeding; For having tasted a white man's meat, He was always ready to kill and eatAnd he looked with lo:ging at rosy girls Who came to the show in shining curls, With cheeks like peaches and teeth like pearls,

And he wondered how they tasted.
It happened once, when the flesh was weak,
That he snatched a bite from a rosy cheek.
When Barnum entered the cage to beat him,
The cannibal thought he had come to treat him,
And so straightway began to eat him,

Without even salt or pepper.
And though he was stringy and awful tough,
For a good square meal he proved enough.
Alas! alack! what a terrible omen!
It teaches to women as well as showmen,
That whether cannibal, Greek or Roman,
Be ever so old, you can't trust no man!

JOSH BILLINGS ON OOURTING. · Perhaps it is best I should state some good a'vice to young men who are about to court, with a view to matrimony as it was.

In the first place, young man, you want to git your system awl right, and then find a young woman that wants to be courted on the square.

The next thing is to find out how old she is; which you can do hy asking her, and she will say she is 19 yrs. old, and this you will tind won't be far out of the way.

The next thing is to begin moderate--sa once every nite in the week for the fust six months, increasing the dose as the patient seems to require. It is a fust rate wa to court the girl's mother a little on the start; there is one thing a woman never despises, and that is a little good courting, if it is done on the square.

After the fust year you will git acquainted and like the bizness amazingly.

There is I thing I alway adviz, that is-not to swap forty-graffs oftener than onst in every 16 days, unless you forgit how the gal looks.

Occasionally you want to look sorry and draw in your wind, as though you had pain; this will set the girl to teazing you to find out what ails you.

Evening meetings are a good thing to attend; it will keep your religion in tune, and if your gal liappens to be there bi accident, she can ask you to go home with her.

Az a general thing, I would not brag on other girls much when I was courting. It mite look as though you new too much.

If you court this wa 3 wks., all the time on the square, if you don't say it is the slickest time ov your life, you can go to the “Young America " cheap store and git measured for a plug hat and pa for it at my expense. Don't court for money, nor buty, nor relashuns; those things are about as the kerosene ile refining biznessliable to git out ov repair and bust at anny minnit.

Court a gal for fun, for the luv you bare her, for the virtue and bizness there is in her; court her for a wife or a mother; court her as you would court a farm for its soil, and the perfection of the title ;

« 上一页继续 »