Perhaps the company extends To some of his old army friends, And who they be, and whence they came. Of course, we'll welcome them all the same. 'Tis Jamie, yes! a bearded man, Though bearing still some boyhood's trace, Of reckless days— BRIDGET AS A SCHOOL-TEACHER. [The following and other selections are taken, by permission of the author, from that humorous book entitled "Elbow-Room." In reading, impersonate.] Millburg was in want of a school-teacher. Accordingly, the board of directors advertised for a suitable person, instructing applicants to call upon Judge Twiddler, the chairman. A day or two later Mrs. Twiddler advertised in a city paper for a cook, and upon the same afternoon an Irish girl came to the house to obtain the place in the kitchen. The Judge was sitting upon the front porch at the time reading a newspaper; and when the girl entered the gate of the yard, he mistook her for a school-mistress, and he said to her : "Did you cɔme about that place?” 66 Yes, sor," she answered. "Oh, very well, then; take a seat and I'll run over a few things in order to ascertain what your qualifications are. Bound Africa. 66 66 If you please, sor, I don't know what you mean. 'I say, bound Africa." "Bou-bou ferrin' to.' Begorra, I don't know what ye're re "Very strange," said the Judge. "Can you tell me if 'amphibious' is an adverb or a preposition? What is an adverb?" "Indade, and ye bother me intirely. I never had anything to do wid such things at my last place." "Then it must have been a curious sort of an institution," said the Judge. "Probably you can tell me how to conjugate the verb 'to be,' and just mention, also, what you know about Herodotus." Ah, yer Honor's jokin' wid me. Be done wid yer fun, "Did you ever hear of Herodotus?" "Never once in the whole coorse of my life. Do you make it with eggs?" "This is the most extraordinary woman I ever encountered," murmured the Judge. "How she ever associated Herodotus with the idea of eggs is simply incomprehensible. Well, can you name the hemisphere in which China and Japan are situated ?” "Don't bother me wid your fun, now. I can wash the china and the pans as well as anybody, and that's enough, now, isn't it?" "Dumb! awful dumb! Don't know the country from the crockery. I'll try her once more. Name the limits of the Tropic of Capricorn, and tell me where Asia Minor is located." "I have a brother that's one, sor; that's all I know about it." "One? One what?" "Didn't ye ask me after the miners, sor? My brother Teddy works wid 'em." "And this," said the Judge, "is the kind of person to whom we are asked to entrust the education of youth. Woman, what do you know? What kind of a school have you been teaching?" "None, sor. What should I teach school for?" "Totally without experience, as I supposed," said the Judge. "Mrs. Ferguson had a governess teach the children when I was cookin' for her." aren't "Cooking! Ain't you a school-teacher? What do you mean by proposing to stop cooking in order to teach school? Why, it's preposterous.' 66 Begorra, I came here to get the cook's place, sor, and that's all of it." aren't "Oh, by George! I see now. You ain't a candidate for the grammar school, after all. You want to see Mrs. Twiddler. Maria, come down here a minute. There's a thick-headed immigrant here wants to cook for you." And the Judge picked up his paper and resumed the editorial on "The Impending Crisis. They obtained a good teacher, however, and the course of affairs in the girls' department was smooth enough; but just after the opening of the fall session there was some trouble in the boys' department. Mr. Barnes, the master, read in the Educational Monthly that boys could be taught history better than in any other way by letting each boy in the class represent some his torical character, and relate the acts of that character as if he had done them himself. This struck Barnes as a mighty good idea, and he resolved to put it in practice. The school had then progressed so far in its study of the history of Rome as the Punic wars, and Mr. Barnes immediately divided the boys into two parties, one Romans and the other Carthaginians, and certain of the boys were named after the leaders upon both sides. All the boys thought it was a fine thing, and Barnes noticed that they were so anxious to get to the history lesson that they could hardly say their other lessons properly. When the time came, Barnes ranged the Romans upon one side of the room and the Carthaginians on the other. The recitation was very spirited, each party telling about its deeds with extraordinary unction. After awhile Barnes asked a Roman to describe the battle of Cannæ. Whereupon the Romans hurled their copies of "Wayland's Moral Science" at the enemy. Then the Carthaginians made a battering-ram out of a bench and jammed it among the Romans, who retaliated with a volley of books, slates, and chewed paper-balls. Barnes concluded that the battle of Cannæ had been sufficiently illustrated,. and he tried to stop it; but the warriors considered it too good a thing to let drop, and accordingly the Carthaginians dashed over to the Romans with another battering-ram and thumped a couple of them savagely. Then the Romans turned in, and the fight became general. A Carthaginian would grasp a Roman by the hair and hustle him around over the desk in a manner that was simply frightful, and a Roman would give a fiendish whoop and knock a Carthaginian over the head with "Greenleaf's Arithmetic. Hannibal got the head of Scipio Africanus under his arm, and Scipio, in his efforts to break away, stumbled, and the two generals fell and had a rough-and-tumble fight under the blackboard. Caius Gracchus prodded Hamilcar with a ruler, and the latter, in his struggles to get loose, fell against the stove and knocked down about thirty feet of stove-pipe. Thereupon the Romans made a grand rally, and in five minutes they chased the entire Carthaginian army out of the schoolroom, and Barnes along with it; and then they locked the door and began to hunt up the apples and lunch in the desks of the enemy. After consuming the supplies they went to the windows. and made disagreeable remarks to the Carthaginians, who were standing in the yard, and dared old Barnes to bring the foe once more into battle array. Then Barnes went for a policeman; and when he knocked at the door it was opened, and all the Romans were found busy studying their lessons. When Barnes came in with the defeated troops he went for Scipio Africanus; and pulling him out of his seat by the ear, he thrashed that great military genius with a rattan until Scipio began to cry, whereupon Barnes dropped him and began to paddle Caius Gracchus. Then things settled down in the old way, and next morning Barnes announced that history in the future would be studied as it always had been; and he wrote a note to the Educational Monthly to say that in his opinion the man who suggested the new system ought to be led out and shot. The boys do not now take as much interest in Roman history as they did on that day. MAX ADELER. THE BELFRY OF GHENT. [Imitative modulation should be employed in The Chimes, the voice being made to resemble the ringing of bells.] Hast thou ever known the feeling In the light of by-gone days; Human histories and ways? Once I stood with soul enchanted, On the lofty, dark old belfry Of the ancient town of Ghent. |