eat genteelly, to keep every new good thing to themselves.

Such has been the effect of the precaution taken to confine the consumption of the humps to Lady 's circle, that a celebrated Baronet and Alderman, who has been some time at Margate qualifying himself by repeated voyages in his fine sailingboat, to command the gilded flotilla of the citybarges in their grand expedition from Blackfriars to Westminster, on the 9th of November, and who has been also exercising himself in the preparatory practice necessary to enable him to participate largely in the other glories of that great day; even he, it is said, though he took care to meet the last fleet from the East Indies out at sea, and did not hesitate to declare, that no money should prevent him from tasting a delicacy which he wished for beyond all the turtles ever found in the Old South Sea-even he had the mortification to find all his solicitations and all his offers unavailing.

After the failure of so great a personage, I can, with less shame, though not with less vexation, avow myself, as I must,

A DISAPPOINTED EPICURE.

NEWSPAPER MISERIES.

[From Beresford's "Miseries of Human Life."]

THAT Mr. A. and his family have just come into Osborne's hotel; or that Mr. B. and his have just gone out! That some Lord yesterday had a turtle for dinner, followed by a dry catalogue of the people at table: I wonder they don't go on to inform us, "from authority," who took calipash, and who calipee! Then comes a prospectus of the different ways in which twenty or thirty folks round St. James's have agreed

to

to kill their time for a week to come.-Next for Court news.-What a fine thing it is to know that the Hon. Mr. L. had the honour of kissing hands on his return from-Blackheath!In one place, when you are posting the columns, eager to see whether the alliance between Russia and Prussia is going on, to find merely that that between Mr. Smith and Miss Jones is going off; in another, instead of the seasonable appearance of an Emperor in full force in the field, to be treated with the un-seasonable appearance of an apple-tree in full blossom in a garden! or perhaps to receive "advice" from Norfolk of some overgrown turnip, two or three yards in the waist, and fit for nothingbut to be measured!-At length, however, a long article, with the words "THE FIGHT" in tempting capitals at the top, seems to promise full satisfaction of your thirst for military intelligence; when, all in a moment, the expected" pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious war," dwindles into an affair of knuckles between Gulley and the Chicken, with a detailed bulletin of black eyes and bloody noses; together with an accurate muster-roll of lemon-squeezers, bottle-holders, &c. in the illustrious persons of Jemmy from Town, Dutch Sam, the Ruffian, &c. &c. Nay, you can't even cast your eye on the list of marriages, just by way of seeing whether any of your friends are changing their state, but ten to one you are presented with the interesting information, that " on Saturday last Humphry Hogg, Esq. sausage-maker, in Blowbladder Street, led to the altar of Hymen Miss Celestina Huggins, fourth daughter, by his fifth wife, of Diggory Huggins, Esq. formerly an eminent ragmerchant in St. Wolcroft's in the East," or some such unheard of hole.-In the midst of your fury at all this, your literary curiosity is roused at an account of an extraordinary exercise lately performed by certain "College youths,"till you presently find, that

thesc

these academical honours have been gained by half a dozen brawny blockheads, for having jingled six or eight thousand "triple bob majors," or some such gibberish, upon the bells, through the ears of some peaceful neighbourhood all the day long!-With much more of the same sort of instruction than I can bear to think of-such as walking wagers, where one fool is nimbler than another, and that's all !-eating wagers, where a beast (after a barrel of oysters for a whet) washes down a stipulated number of legs of mutton, pounds of beef-steaks, and plum-puddings, with gallons of strong beer ad infinitum; and all this, alas! without always killing himself;—or, that “ eight persons are now living in a village in Lancashire, whose united ages make 1250 years," the booby who tells the wonder not having instinct enough to see that it is a lie.

AN EPITAPH ON HIS WIFE BESS.

BY TIMOTHY STONECUTTER.

BENEATH this rugged stone doth lie

The rankest corpse that e'er did die;
Whose softest word to dearest friend,
Would make your hair to stand an end.

You'd think storms rising when she sung;
Thunder was music to her tongue;
When in her real storms did rise,
Lightning was twilight to her eyes.

Her mildest look so fierce a sight,
Great chance you'd catch an ague by 't;
And when her person mov'd-huge rock!
No earthquake gave so great a shock.

Where she abides seek not to know;
If they want sulphur, she's below:
If she's above-gods, hear my pray❜r,
And send me any where but there.

Amen.
The

The Inner Temple Gate, London, having been repaired, and curiously decorated, the following INSCRIPTION, in honour of both the Temples, was proposed to be put

over it.

AS

S by the Templars' holds you go,
The Horse and Lamb display'd,
In emblematic figures,, show

The merits of their trade.

That clients may infer from thence
How just is their profession,
The Lamb sets forth their Innocence,
The Horse their Expedition.

O happy Britons! happy isle!
Let foreign nations say,
Where you get justice without guile,
And law without delay.

WRITTEN IN ANSWER TO THE ABOVE.

DE

ELUDED men, these holds forego,
Nor trust such cunning elves;

These artful emblems tend to show
Their clients, not themselves.
'Tis all a trick; these all are shams,
By which they mean to cheat you;
But have a care, for you 're the Lambs,
And they the Wolves that eat you.
Nor let the thoughts of no delay

To these their courts misguide you;
'Tis you're the showy Horse, and they
The Jockeys that will ride you.

SAY

AYS my

EPIGRAM ON A COOK.

Lord to his Cook, "You son of a punk,

How comes it I see you, thus, ev'ry day drunk? Physicians, they say, once a month do allow

A man for his health to get drunk-as a sow."

"That is right," quoth the Cook, "but the day they don't

say;

So for fear I should miss it, I'm drunk ev'ry day."

I

TIMES PRÉSENT WORSE THAN TIMES PAST.

[From the Lewes and Brighthelmston Journal.]

:

WAS reading, the other morning at breakfast, to a very worthy old lady-indeed, my grandmother -a lucubration of your newly acquired correspondent, Mr. Merryman; but, to my astonishment, instead of appearing pleased, several deep sighs escaped her; and when I had finished, she broke out into lamentations upon the old worn-out topic-the alteration of the times she observed, that, in her opinion, young Hopeful, as she called him, might think himself very fortunate in preserving his handkerchief at the expense of his letter; for she'd warrant, had he walked the streets of London in his careless and coxcomical manner, some of the wanton husseys, or pilfering boys, would have made a prize of it; and then, she observed, what a dilemma the coxcomb would have been reduced to! I presently removed this insinuation, by telling her, that he could soon have replaced his loss, as trade was now carried on in so extensive a manner, that every second or third shop was a linen-draper's: this she was very glad to hear; but yet it puzzled her, if trade was in so thriving a condition, to account for the long lists of bankrupts that every Tuesday morning I read to her from your paper! it was not so in her time! She really thought that the tailors and pickpockets were in a confederacy together; for if the good old fashion, in which usefulness and grace went hand in hand, had continued, when the pockets of a coat were well covered, with a length of flap, and of a depth sufficient to contain a moderate sized Bible -such a one as then lay before her-when the skirts hung gracefully in many folds down to the ancle, distended into a beautiful form, with horse-hair and buckram; the latter of which she remarked (and a smile of self-approbation, for a moment, took pos

session