MAJOR SLOTT'S VISITOR.

[Impersonate. Barker should speak rapidly and confidently; the major should become more and more impatient and excited.]

While Major Slott was sitting in the office of the Patriot, writing an editorial about "Our Grinding Monopolies," he suddenly became conscious of the presence of a fearful smell. He stopped, snuffed the air two or three times, and at last lighted a cigar to fumigate the room. Then he heard footsteps upon the stairs, and as they drew nearer the smell grew stronger. When it had reached a degree of intensity that caused the major to fear that it might break some of the furniture, there was a knock at the door. Then a man entered with a bundle under his arm, and as he did so the major thought that he had never smelt such a fiendish smell in the whole course of his life. He held his nose; and when the man saw the gesture, he said,

"I thought so; the usual effect. You hold it tight while I explain.'

"What hab you god id that buddle?" asked the major.' "That, sir," said the man, "is Barker's Carbolic Disinfecting Door-mat. I am Barker, and this is the mat. I invented it, and it's a big thing."

"Is id thad thad smells so thudderig bad?" asked the major, with his nostrils tightly shut.

66

Yes, sir; smells very strong, but it's a healthy smell. It's invigorating. It braces the system. I'll tell you-" "Gid oud with the blabed thig !" exclaimed the major. "I must tell you all about it first. I called to explain it to you. You see I've been investigating the causes of epidemic diseases. Some scientists think they are spread by molecules in the air; others attribute them to gases generated in the sewers; others hold that they are conveyed by contagion ; but I—"

"Aid you goig to tague thad idferdal thig away from here?" asked the major.

"But I have discovered that these diseases are spread by the agency of door-mats. Do you understand? Doormats! And I'll explain to you how its done. Here's a man who's been in a house where there's disease. He

gets it on his boots. The leather is porous, and it be

comes saturated. He goes to another house and wipes his boots on the mat. Now, every man who uses that mat must get some of the stuff on his boots, and he spreads it over every other door-mat that he wipes them on. don't he?"

Now,

"Why dode you tague that sbell frob udder by dose?" "Well, then, my idea is to construct a door-mat that will disinfect those boots. I do it by saturating the mat with carbolic acid and drying it gradually. I have one here prepared by my process. Shall I unroll it ?" "If you do, I'll blow your braids out!" shouted the major.

"Oh, very well, then. Now, the objection to this beautiful invention is that it possesses a very strong and positive odor."

"I'll bed it does," said the major.

"And as this is offensive to many persons, I give to each purchaser a 'nose-guard,' which is to be worn upon the nose while in a house where the carbolic mat is placed. The nose-guard is filled with a substance which completely neutralizes the smell, and it has only one disadvantage. Now, what is that?"

"Are you goig to quid and let me breathe, or are you goig to stay here all day log?"

"Have patience, now; I'm coming to the point. I say, what is that! It is that the neutralizing substance in the nose-guard evaporates too quickly. And how do I remedy that? I give to every man who buys a mat and a nose-guard two bottles of neutralizer.' What it is composed of is a secret. But the bottles are to be carried in the pocket, so as to be ready for every emergency. The disadvantage of this plan consists of the fact that the neutralizer is highly explosive, and if a man should happen to sit down on a bottle of it in his coat-tail pocket suddenly it might hist him through the roof. But see how beautiful my scheme is."

66

Óh, thudder add lightnig! aid you ever going to quid?" "See how complete it is! By paying twenty dollars additional, every man who takes a nat has his life protected in the Hopelessly Mutual Accident Insurance Company, so that it really makes no difference whether he is busted through the shingles or not. Now, does it?"

"Oh, dode ask me. I dode care a ced about id, ady.

way."

"Well, then, what I want you to do is to give me a first rate notice in your paper, describing the invention, giving the public some general notion of its merits and. recommending its adoption in general use. You give me a half-column puff, and I'll make the thing square by leaving you one of the mats, with a couple of bottles of the neutralizer and a nose-guard; I'll leave them now.” "Whad d'you say?"

"I say I'll just leave you a mat and the other fixings for you to look over at your leisure.'

"You biserable scoundrel, if you lay wod ob those thigs down here, I'll burder you od the spod! I wod stad such foolishness."

"Won't you notice it, either?"

"Certaidly nod. I woulded do id for ten thousand dollars a lide."

66

Well, then, let it alone; and I hope one of those epidemic diseases will get you and lay you up for life."

As Mr. Barker withdrew, Major Slott threw up the windows, and after catching his breath, he called down stairs to a reporter:

66

'Perkins, follow that man and hear what he's got to say, and then blast him in a column of the awfulest vituperation you know how to write."

Perkins obeyed orders, and now Barker has a libel suit pending against The Patriot, while the carbolic mat has not yet been introduced to this market.

MAX. ADELER.

THE RAINBOW.

[Articulate clearly; avoid rhythm.]

I sometimes have thought in my loneliest hours,
That lie on my heart like the dew on the flowers,
Of a ramble I took one bright afternoon,

When my heart was as light as a blossom in June;

The green earth was moist with the late fallen showers,
The breeze fluttered down and blew open the flowers;
While a single white cloud to its haven of rest,
On the white wing of peace floated off in the west.

As I threw back my tresses to catch the cool breeze
That scattered the rain-drops and dimpled the seas,
Far up the blue sky a fair rainbow unrolled
Its soft-tinted pinions of purple and gold!
'Twas born in a moment, yet, quick as its birth,
It has stretched to the uttermost ends of the earth,
And, fair as an angel, it floated all free,

With a wing on the earth and a wing on the sea.

How calm was the ocean! how gentle its swell!
Like a woman's soft bosom, it rose and it fell,
While its light sparkling waves, sterling laughingly o'er,
When they saw the fair rainbow, knelt down to the shore:
No sweet hymn ascended, no murmur of prayer,
Yet I felt that the spirit of worship was there,
And bent my young head in devotion and love,
'Neath the form of the angel that floated above.

How wide was the sweep of its beautiful wings!
How boundless its circle, how radiant its rings!
If I looked on the sky, 'twas suspended in air;
If I looked on the ocean, the rainbow was there;
Thus forming a girdle as brilliant and whole
As the thoughts of the rainbow that circled my soul-
Like the wing of the Deity, calmly unfurled,

It bent from the cloud, and encircled the world.

There are moments, I think, when the spirit receives
Whole volumes of thought on its unwritten leaves;
When the folds of the heart in a moment unclose,
Like the innermost leaves from the heart of a rose;
And thus, when the rainbow had passed from the sky,
The thoughts it awoke were too deep to pass by;
It left my full soul like the wing of a dove,
And fluttering with pleasure, and fluttering with love.

I know that each moment of rapture or pain
But shortens the links in life's mystical chain;
I know that my form, like that bow from the wave,
May pass from the earth and lie cold in the grave;
Yet oh! when death's shadows my bosom uncloud-
When I shrink from the thought of the coffin and shroud,
May Hope, like the rainbow, my spirit unfold
In her beautiful pinions of purple and gold

THE RUM MANIAC.

REVISED AND ADAPTED BY FRANK H. FENNO.

[The following temperance reading or recitation is a union of Rum's Maniac by T. W. Nott, and The Rum Fiend, written by William II. Burleigh and published by J. N. Stearns of New York. Having secured full permission to use the Rum Fiend for this purpose, The Rum Maniac is presented as a powerful and effective reading.]

I saw through the grates of a prison door,
Handcuffed and chained to the granite floor,
A man whose maniac eyes did glare
Through the tangled veil of his matted hair;
For the hot blood throbbed through every vein,
And the fires of madness scorched his brain,
And phantom fiends, a ghastly train,

With every loathly seeming,

Came crowding in pairs-in flocks-in swarms
With laughters and curses, and taunts and jeers,
To torture his soul and to deafen his ears,-
And he gnawed his tongue in his fierce despair,
And howled a curse, or muttered a prayer,
Whose sad refrain was ever,

Blood! blood! It foams in the cursed bowl!
It is on my hands! It stains my soul!

It crimsons the sky

With its terrible dye,

And the earth which drank it cries 'More! give more!
My thirst for the vintage of murder is sore.

Let it flow-let it swell to a river!'"

Then, in accents soft and low,

Murmured he his tale of woe:

"Did I slay thee, dearest wife?

Thee?-oh! better loved than life

Thee, whose smile was like the light

Flashing o'er my being's night,
Making what was dark and dull

Beautiful-how beautiful!

Thee, whose voice was like a bird's,`

Musical with loving words;

And whose heart poured out for me
Love, exhaustless as the sea,

Fresh as Eden's morning air,

Guileless as a seraph's prayer,
Pure as is the purest gem

In the New Jerusalem!

Did I slay thee? Nay; though mine

Was the hand that dealt the blow,