And the widow they all thought so shy, my eye!
Ne'er thought of a simper or sigh, for why?
"But, Lucius," says she, "since you've now made so free,
You may marry your Mary Malone, ohone!
You may marry your Mary Malone."

How to Make Love for a Friend

A TALL, dashing-looking, half-swaggering fellow, in a very sufficient envelope of box coats, entered the coffee-room, and unwinding a shawl from his throat, showed me the honest and manly countenance of my friend Jack Waller, of the th dragoons, with whom I had served in the Peninsula.

Five minutes sufficed for Jack to tell me that he was come down on a bold speculation, at this unseasonable time for Cheltenham; that he was quite sure his fortune was about to be made in a few weeks at furthest, and what seemed nearly as engrossing a topic-that he was perfectly famished, and desired a hot supper, tout de suite.

Jack having despatched this agreeable meal with a traveller's appetite, proceeded to unfold his plans to me as follows:

There resided somewhere near Cheltenham, in what direction he did not absolutely know, an old East India colonel, who had returned from a long career of successful staffduties and government contracts, with the moderate fortune of two hundred thousand. He possessed, in addition, a son and a daughter; the former being a rake and a gambler, he had long since consigned to his own devices, and to the latter he had avowed his intention of leaving all his wealth. That she was beautiful as an angel-highly accomplished—

gifted-agreeable-and all that, Jack, who had never seen her, was firmly convinced; that she was also bent resolutely on marrying him, or any other gentleman whose claims were principally the want of money, he was quite ready to swear to; and, in fact, so assured did he feel that "the whole affair was feasible" (I use his own expression), that he had managed a two months' leave, and was come down express to see, make love to, and carry her off at once.

"But," said I, with difficulty interrupting him, "how long have you known her father?"

"Know him? I never saw him."

"Well, that certainly is cool; and how do you propose making his acquaintance? Do you intend to make him a particeps criminis in the elopement of his own daughter, for a consideration to be hereafter paid out of his own money?"

"Just hear me out without interruption, and I'll explain. I'll first discover the locale of this worthy colonel-Hydrabad Cottage,' he calls it; good, eh?-then I shall proceed to make a tour of the immediate vicinity, and either be taken dangerously ill in his grounds, within ten yards of the hall-door, or be thrown from my gig at the gate of his avenue, and fracture my skull; I don't care much which. Well, then, as I learn that the old gentleman is the most kind, hospitable fellow in the world, he'll admit me at once; his daughter will tend my sick couch-nurse-read to me; glorious fun, Harry. I'll make fierce love to her; and now, the only point to be decided is whether, having partaken of the colonel's hospitality so freely, I ought to carry her off, or marry her with papa's consent. You see there is much to be said for either line of proceeding."

"I certainly agree with you there; but since you seem to

see your way so clearly up to that point, why, I should advise you leaving that an 'open question,' as the ministers say, when they are hard pressed for an opinion."

"Well, Harry, I consent; it shall remain so. Now for your part, for I have not come to that."

"Mine," said I in amazement; "why, how can I possibly have any character assigned me in the drama?"

“I'll tell you, Harry; you shall come with me in the gig, in the capacity of my valet."

"Your what?" said I, horror-struck at his impudence. "Come, no nonsense, Harry, you'll have a glorious time of it shall choose as becoming a livery as you like—and you'll have the whole female world below stairs dying for you; and all I ask for such an opportunity vouchsafed to you is to puff me, your master, in every possible shape and form, and represent me as the finest and most liberal fellow in the world, rolling in wealth, and only striving to get rid of it."

The unparalleled effrontery of Master Jack, in assigning to me such an office, absolutely left me unable to reply to him; while he continued to expatiate upon the great field for exertion thus open to us both. At last it occurred to me to benefit by an anecdote of a something similar arrangement, of capturing, not a young lady, but a fortified town, by retorting Jack's proposition.


Come," ," said I, "I agree, with only one difference-I'll be the master, and you the man on this occasion."

To my utter confusion, and without a second's consideration, Waller grasped my hand, and cried, "Done!" Of course I laughed heartily at the utter absurdity of the whole scheme, and rallied my friend on his prospects for Botany Bay for such an exploit, never contemplating in the most remote degree the commission of such extravagance.

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As the clock struck two, I had just affixed my name to an agreement, for Jack Waller had so much of method in his madness, that, fearful of my retracting in the morning, he had committed the whole to writing, which as a specimen of Jack's legal talents I copy from the original document now in my possession:

"The Plough, Cheltenham, Tuesday night or morning, two o'clock-be the same more or less. I, Harry Lorrequer, sub. in his Majesty's -th regiment of foot, on the one part; and I, John Waller, commonly called Jack Waller, of theth light dragoons on the other; hereby promise and agree, each for himself, and not one for the other, to the following conditions, which are hereafter subjoined, to wit, the aforesaid Jack Waller is to serve, obey, and humbly follow the aforementioned Harry Lorrequer, for the space of one month of four weeks, conducting himself in all respects, modes, ways, manners, as his, the aforesaid Lorrequer's own man, skip, valet, or sauce-pan-duly praising, puffing, and lauding the aforesaid Lorrequer, and in every way facilitating his success to the hand and fortune of

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Shall we put in her name, Harry, here?" said Jack. "I think not; we'll fill it up in pencil; that looks very knowing."

at the end of which period, if successful in his suit, the aforesaid Harry Lorrequer is to render to the aforesaid Waller the sum of ten thousand pounds, three and a half per cent., with a faithful discharge in writing, for his services as may be. If, on the other hand, and which heaven forbid, the aforesaid Lorrequer fail in obtaining the hand of that he will evacuate the territory within twelve hours, and repairing to a convenient spot selected by the

aforesaid Waller, then and there duly invest himself with a livery chosen by the aforesaid Waller


"You know, each man uses his choice in this particular," said Jack.


and for the space of four calendar weeks, be unto the aforesaid Waller, as his skip, or valet, receiving in the event of success, the alike compensation as aforesaid, each promising strictly to maintain the terms of this agreement, and binding by a solemn pledge, to divest himself of every right appertaining to his former condition, for the space of time there mentioned."

We signed and sealed it formally, and finished another flask to its perfect ratification. This done, and after a heavy shake hands, we parted and retired for the night.

The first thing I saw, on waking the following morning, was Jack Waller standing beside my bed, evidently in excellent spirits with himself and all the world.


'Harry, my boy, I have done it gloriously," said he. "I only remembered on parting with you last night, that one of the most marked features in our old colonel's character is a certain vague idea, he has somewhere picked up, that he has been at some very remote period of his history a most distinguished officer. This notion, it appears, haunts his mind, and he absolutely believes he has been in every engagement, from the Seven Years' War down to the battle of Waterloo. You cannot mention a siege he did not lay down the first parallel for, nor a storming party where he did not lead the forlorn hope; and there is not a regiment in the service, from those that form the fighting brigade of Picton, down to the London train-bands, with which, to use his own phrase, he has not fought and bled. This mania of heroism is droll enough, when one considers that the sphere of his action was

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