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Which needs I must do, of an affair in hand 65 Ere I can go to sea.

1 Ser. Well, your pleasure. 2 Ser. Let him e'en take his leisure too; we are safer on land. Exeunt Servants. Enter BEATRICE, DIAPHANTA, and Servants [ALSEMERO accosts BEATRICE and then kisses her].

Jas. [Aside.] How now? The laws of the Medes are chang'd sure; salute a woman! He kisses too; wonderful! Where learnt he [61 this? and does it perfectly too. In my conscience, he ne'er rehearst it before. Nay, go on; this will be stranger and better news at Valencia than if he had ransom'd half Greece from the Turk.


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They can then check the eyes, and call them blind.


Als. But I am further, lady; yesterday
Was mine eyes' employment, and hither now
They brought my judgment, where are both

Both houses then consenting, 't is agreed;
Only there wants the confirmation

By the hand royal; that 's your part, lady. 85
Beat. Oh, there's one above me, sir.-[Aside.]
For five days past

To be recall'd! Sure mine eyes were mistaken; This was the man was meant me. That he should come

So near his time, and miss it!

Jas. We might have come by the carriers [90 from Valencia, I see, and sav'd all our seaprovision; we are at farthest sure. Methinks I should do something too;


I meant to be a venturer in this voyage.
Yonder's another vessel, I'll board her;
If she be lawful prize, down goes her topsail.
[Accosts DIAPHANTA.]

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Such to mine eyes is that same fellow there, The same that report speaks of the basilisk.

Als. This is a frequent frailty in our nature; There's scarce a man amongst a thousand found

But hath his imperfection: one distastes
The scent of roses, which to infinites
Most pleasing is and odoriferous;
One oil, the enemy of poison;

Another wine, the cheerer of the heart
And lively refresher of the countenance.
Indeed this fault, if so it be, is general;
There's scarce a thing but is both lov'd and


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Als. He's out of his place then now. [They talk apart.]

Jas. I am a mad wag, wench. Dia. So methinks; but for your comfort, I can tell you, we have a doctor in the city that undertakes the cure of such.

Jas. Tush, I know what physic is best for the state of mine own body.


Dia. 'Tis scarce a well-govern'd state, I be lieve.

Jas. I could show thee such a thing with an ingredient that we two would compound to : Q. or.

1 Forestall. Mod. edd. stale.

3 A fabulous animal said to kill with a glance.
4 Q. And what.

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Into her sockets here. I know she hates me, Yet cannot choose but love her. No matter, 245 If but to vex her, I will haunt her still; Though I get nothing else, I'll have my will. Exit. [SCENE II.] 2


Alib. Lollio, I must trust thee with a secret, But thou must keep it.

Lol. I was ever close to a secret, sir.

Alib. The diligence that I have found in thee,

The care and industry already past,
Assures me of thy good continuance.
Lollio, I have a wife.

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Lol. Fie, sir, 't is too late to keep her secret; she's known to be married all the town and country over.


Alib. Thou goest too fast, my Lollio. That knowledge

I allow no man can be barr'd it;

But there is a knowledge which is nearer,
Deeper, and sweeter, Lollio.

Lol. Well, sir, let us handle that between you and I.

Alib. 'Tis that I go about, man. Lollio,

My wife is young.


Lol. So much the worse to be kept secret, sir. Alib. Why, now thou meet'st the substance of the point;

I am old, Lollio.

Lol. No, sir, 't is I am old Lollio.


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To watch her treadings, and in my absence
Supply my place.

Lol. I'll do my best, sir; yet surely 1 carEst see who you should have cause to be jealous of.

Alib. Thy reason for that, Lollio? It is A comfortable question.

Lol. We have but two sorts of people in the house, and both under the whip, that's foos and madmen; the one has not wit enough to be knaves, and the pther not knavery enough to be fools.

Alib. Ay, those are all my patients, Lollio; I do profess the cure of either sort; My trade, my living 't is ; I thrive by it; But here's the care that mixes with my thrift The daily visitants, that come to see My brain-sick patients, I would not have To see my wife. Gallants I do observe Of quick enticing eyes, rich in habits, Of stature and proportion very comely: These are most shrewd temptations, Lollic.

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Lol. They may be easily answered, sir; i they come to see the fools and madmen, yo and I may serve the turn, and let my mistress alone; she 's of neither sort.

Alib. 'Tis a good ward; indeed, come they

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Lol. Yes, sir, for every part has his hour: wake at six and look about us, that 's eye hour. at seven we should pray, that's knee-hour: at eight walk, that 's leg-hour; at nine gathe flowers and pluck a rose," that 's nose-hour; * at ten we drink, that's mouth-hour; at eleven lay about us for victuals, that 's hand-hour; at twelve go to dinner, that 's belly-hour.

Alib. Profoundly, Lollio! It will be long Ere all thy scholars learn this lesson, and I did look to have a new one ent'red ;


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[gives him money] but patterns to show you [95 of the whole pieces that will follow to you, beside the charge of diet, washing, and other necessaries, fully defrayed.

Alib. Believe it, sir, there shall no care be wanting.

Lol. Sir, an officer in this place may de- [100 serve something. The trouble will pass through my hands.

Ped. 'Tis fit something should come to your hands then, sir. [Gives him money.] Lol. Yes, sir, 't is I must keep him sweet, [195 and read to him: what is his name?

Ped. His name is Antonio; marry, we use but half to him, only Tony.

Lol. Tony, Tony, 't is enough, and a very good name for a fool. - What's your name, [110 Tony?

Ant. He, he, he! well, I thank you, cousin ; he, he, he!


Lol. Good boy! hold up your head. He can laugh; I perceive by that he is no beast. Ped. Well, sir,

If you can raise him but to any height,
Any degree of wit; might he attain,
As I might say, to creep on but all four

Towards the chair of wit, or walk on crutches, 'T would add an honour to your worthy


And a great family might pray for you,
To which he should be heir, had he discretion
To claim and guide his own. Assure you, sir,
He is a gentleman.



Lol. Nay, there's nobody doubted that; at first sight I knew him for a gentleman, he looks no other yet.

Ped. Let him have good attendance and sweet lodging.

Lol. As good as my mistress lies in, sir; [120 and as you allow us time and means, we can raise him to the higher degree of discretion.

Ped. Nay, there shall no cost want, sir.

Lol. He will hardly be stretcht up to the wit of a magnifico.


Ped. O no, that's not to be expected; far shorter will be enough.

Lol. I'll warrant you I'll make him fit to bear office in five weeks; I'll undertake to wind him up to the wit of constable.


Ped. If it be lower than that, it might serve turn.

Lol. No, fie; to level him with a headborough, beadle, or watchman, were but little better than he is. Constable I'll able 2 him; [145 if he do come to be a justice afterwards, let him thank the keeper: or I'll go further with you; say I do bring him up to my own pitch, say I make him as wise as myself.

Ped. Why, there I would have it.


Lol. Well, go to; either I'll be as arrant a fool as he, or he shall be as wise as I, and then I think 't will serve his turn.

Ped. Nay, I do like thy wit passing well.
Lol. Yes, you may; yet if I had not been [150

1 Constable.

2 Answer for, warrant; or, make him able for.

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a fool, I had had more wit than I have too. Remember what state you found me in. Ped. I will, and so leave you. Your best cares, I beseech you. Erit PEDRO. Alib. Take you none with you, leave 'em [100 all with us.

Ant. O, my cousin 's gone! cousin, cousin, O! Lol. Peace, peace, Tony; you must not cry, child, you must be whipt if you do; your cousin is here still; I am your cousin, Tony.


Ant. He, he! then I'll not cry, if thou be'st my cousin; he, he, he!

Lol. I were best try his wit a little, that I may know what form to place him in. Alib. Ay, do, Lollio, do.


Lol. I must ask him easy questions at first. Tony, how many true fingers has a tailor on his right hand?


Ant. As many as on his left, cousin. Lol. Good: and how many on both? Ant. Two less than a deuce, cousin. Lol. Very well answered. I come to you again, cousin Tony; how many fools goes to a wise man?


Ant. Forty in a day sometimes, cousin. Lol. Forty in a day? How prove you that? Ant. All that fall out amongst themselves, and go to a lawyer to be made friends.

Lol. A parlons fool! he must sit in the fourth form at least. I perceive that. I come [185 again, Tony; how many knaves make an honest man?

Ant. I know not that, cousin.

Lol. No, the question is too hard for you. I'll tell you, cousin; there's three knaves [190 may make an honest man, a sergeant, a jailor, and a beadle; the sergeant catches him, the jailor holds him, and the beadle lashes him; and if he be not honest then, the hangman must cure him.

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