Mrs Hard. You must learn resignation, my dear; for, though we lose our fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, how calin I am.

Miss Nev. Ay, people are generally calm at the misfortunes of others.

Mrs Hard. Now, I wonder a girl of your good sense should waste a thought upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and, in the mean time, you shall make use of my garnets till your jewels be found.

Miss Nev. I detest garnets.

Mrs Hard. The most becoming things in the world to set off a clear complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me. You shall have them. [Exit.

Miss Nev. I dislike them of all things. You shan't stir-Was ever any thing so provoking, to mislay my own jewels, and force me to wear trumpery?

Tony. Don't be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what you can get. The jewels are your own already. I have stolen them out of her bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your spark; he'll tell you more of the matter. Leave me to manage her.

Miss Nev. My dear cousin!

Tony. Vanish! She's here, and has missed them already. Zounds! how she fidgets and spits about, like a Catharine wheel!

Enter MRS HARDCASTLE.

Mrs Hard. Confusion! thieves! robbers! We are cheated, plundered, broke open, undone! Tony. What's the matter, what's the matter, mamma? I hope nothing has happened to any of the good family!

Mrs Hard. We are robbed! My bureau has been broke open, the jewels taken out, and I'm undone !

Tony. Oh! is that all? Ha, ha, ha! By the laws, I never saw it better acted in my life! Ecod, I thought you was ruined in earnest, ha, ha, ha!

Mrs Hard. Why, boy, I am ruined in earnest. My bureau has been broke open, and all taken

Mrs Hard. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They're gone, I say!

Tony. By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh, ha, ha! I know who took them well enough, ha, ha, ha!

Mrs Hard. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can't tell the difference between jest and earnest! I tell you I'm not in jest, booby.

Tony. That's right, that's right: You must be in a bitter passion, and then nobody will suspect either of us. I'll bear witness that they are gone.

Mrs Hard. Was there ever such a crossgrained brute, that won't hear me ! Can you bear witness that you're no better than a fool? Was ever poor woman so beset with fools on one hand, and thieves on the other!

Tony. I can bear witness to that.

Mrs Hard. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I'll turn you out of the room directly! My poor niece! what will become of her? Do you laugh, you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed my distress?

Tony. I can bear witness to that.

Mrs Hard. Do you insult me, monster? I'll teach you to rex your mother, I will. Tony. I can bear witness to that.

[He runs off, she follows him.

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, and Maid. Miss Hard. What an unaccountable creature is that brother of mine, to send them to the house as an inn, ha, ha! I don't wonder at his impudence.

Maid. But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you passed by in your present dress, asked me if you were the bar-maid. He inistook you for the bar-maid, madam.

Miss Hard. Did he? Then, as I live, I'm resolved to keep up the delusion. Tell me, Pimple, how do you like my present dress? Don't you think I look something like Cherry in the Beaux Stratagem?

Maid. It's the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, but when she visits or receives company.

Miss Hard. And are you sure he does not remember my face or person?

Maid. Certain of it.

Miss Hard. I vow I thought so; for though we spoke for some time together, yet his fears were such, that he never once looked up during the interview. Indeed if he had, my bonnet would have kept him from seeing me.

Maid. But what do you hope from keeping him in his mistake?

Miss Hurd. In the first place, I shall be seen; and that is no small advantage to a girl, who brings her face to a market. Then I shall perhaps make an acquaintance; and that's no small victory gained over one, who never addresses any but the wildest of her sex. But my chief aim is to take my gentleman off his guard, and, like an

6 E

invisible champion of romance, examine the giant's force, before I offer to combat.

Maid. But are you sure you can act your part, and disguise your voice, so that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your person?

Miss Hard. Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar-cant-Did your honour call? Attend the Lion there-Pipes and tobacco for the Angel-The Lamb has been outrageous this half hour.

Maid. It will do, madam. But he's here. [Exit Maid.

Enter MARLOW.

Mar. What a bawling in every part of the house; I have scarce a moment's repose. If I go to the best room, there I find my host and his story. If I fly to the gallery, there we have my hostess, with her curtesy down to the ground. I have, at last, got a moment to myself, and now for recollection. [Walks, and muses. Miss Hard. Did you call, sir? did your honour call?

Mar. [Musing.] As for Miss Hardcastle, she's too grave and sentimental for me.

Miss Hard. Did your honour call?

[She still places herself before him, he turning away.]

Mar. No, child-[Musing.] Besides, from the glimpse I had of her, I think she squints. Miss Hard. I'm sure, sir, I heard the bell ring.

Mar. No, no.— [Musing.] I have pleased my father, however, by coming down, and I'll tomorrow please myself, by returning.

[Taking out his tablets, and perusing. Miss Hard. Perhaps the other gentleinan called, sir?

Mar. I tell you, no.

Miss Hard. I should be glad to know, sir. We have such a parçel of servants!

Mar. Of true English growth, I assure you. Miss Hard. Then it's odd I should not know it. We brew all sorts of wines in this house, and I have lived here these eighteen years.

Mar. Eighteen years! Why, one would think, child, you kept the bar before you were born. How old are you?

Miss Hard. O! sir, I must not tell my age. They say women and music should never be dated.

Mar. To guess, at this distance, you can't be much above forty. [Approaching.] Yet nearer I don't think so much. [Approaching.] By coming close to some women, they look younger still; but when we come very close indeed—[Attempting to kiss her.]

Miss Hard. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think you wanted to know one's age as they do horses, by mark of mouth.

Mar. I protest, child, you use me extremely ill. If you keep me at this distance, how is it possible you and I can be ever acquainted?

Miss Hard. And who wants to be acquainted with you? I want no such acquaintance, not I. I'm sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle, that was here a while ago, in this obstropalous manI'll warrant me, before her, you looked dashed, and kept bowing to the ground, and taiked, for all the world, as if you was before a justice of the peace.

ner.

Mar. [Aside.] Egad! she has hit, sure enough! [To her.] In awe of her, child? Ha, ha, ha! A mere, awkward, squinting thing! no, no. I find you don't know me. I laughed, and rallied her a little; but I was unwilling to be too severe. No, I could not be too severe, curse me!

Miss Hard. O! then, sir, you are a favourite, I find, among the ladies?

some.

Miss Hard. O la, sir, you'll make one ashamed!

Mar. Never saw a more sprightly malicious eye! Yes, yes, my dear; I did call. Have you got any of your- a -what d'ye call it in the house?

Miss Hard. No, sir, we have been out of that these ten days.

Mar One may call in this house, I find, to very little purpose. Suppose I should call for a taste, just by way of trial, of the nectar of your lips; perhaps I might be disappointed in that,

too.

Miss Hard. Nectar! nectar! that's a liquor there's no call for in these parts. French, I suppose? We keep no French wines here, sir.

vice!

[Offering to salute her. Miss Hard. Hold, sir! you were introducing me to your club, not to yourself. And you're so great a favourite there, you say?

Mar. Yes, my dear. There's Mrs Mantrap, lady Betty Blackleg, the countess of Sligo, Mrs Longhorns, old miss Biddy Buckskin, and your humble servant, keep up the spirit of the place.

Miss Hard. Then it's a very merry place, I suppose?

Mar. Yes, as merry as cards, suppers, wine, and old women, can make us.

Miss Hard. And their agreeable Rattle, ha, ha, ha!

Mar. [Aside.] Egad! I don't quite like this chit. She looks knowing, methinks. You laugh, child!

Miss Hard. I can't but laugh to think what

time they all have for minding their work, or their family.

Mar. [Aside.] All's well; she don't laugh at me.-[To her.] Do you ever work, child?

Miss Hard. Ay, sure. There's not a screen or a quilt in the whole house but what can bear witness to that.

Mar. Odso! Then you must shew me your embroidery. I embroider and draw patterns myself a little. If you want a judge of your work, you must apply to me. [Seizing her hand. Miss Hard. Ay, but the colours don't look well by candle-light. You shall see all in the morning. [Struggling. Mar. And why not now, my angel? Such beauty fires beyond the power of resistance.Pshaw! the father here! My old luck! I never nicked seven that I did not throw ames ace three times following. [Exit MARLOW.

Enter HARDCASTLE, who stands in surprise. Hard. So, madam! So I find this is your modest lover. This is your humble admirer, that kept his eyes fixed on the ground, and only adored at humble distance. Kate, Kate! art thou not ashamed to deceive your father so?

Miss Hard. Never trust me, dear papa, but he's still the modest man I first took him for; you'll be convinced of it as well as I.

Hard. By the hand of my body I believe his

SCENE I.

impudence is infectious! Didn't I see him seize your hand? Did'nt I see him hawl you about like a milkmaid? and now you talk of his respect and his modesty, forsooth!

Miss Hard. But if I shortly convince you of his modesty, that he has only the faults that will pass off with time, and the virtues that will improve with age, I hope you'll forgive him.

Hard. The girl would actually make one run mad; I tell you I'll not be convinced. I am convinced. He has scarcely been three hours in the house, and he has already encroached on all my prerogatives. You may like his impudence, and call it modesty. But my son-in-law, madam, must have very different qualifications. Miss Hard. Sir, I ask but this night to convince you.

I

Hard. You shall not have half the time; for have thoughts of turning him out this very

hour.

Miss Hard. Give me that hour then, and I hope to satisfy you.

Hard. Well, an hour let it be then. But I'll have no trifling with your father. All fair and open, do you mind me?

Miss Hard. I hope, sir, you have ever found that I considered your commands as my pride; for your kindness is such, that my duty as yet has been inclination. [Exeunt.

Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. Hast. You surprise me! Sir Charles Marlow expected here this night? Where have you had your information?

Miss Nev. You may depend upon it. I just saw his letter to Mr Hardcastle, in which he tells him he intends setting out a few hours after his

son.

Hast. Then, my Constance, all must be completed before he arrives. He knows me; and should he find me here, would discover my name, and perhaps my designs, to the rest of the family.

Miss Nev. The jewels, I hope, are safe?

Hast. Yes, yes. I have sent them to Marlow, who keeps the keys of our baggage. In the mean time, I'll go to prepare matters for our elopement. I have had the 'Squire's promise of a fresh pair of horses; and, if I should not see him again, will write him further directions.

[Exit.

Miss Nev. Well! success attend you! In the mean time, I'll go amuse my aunt with the øld pretence of a violent passion for my cousin. [Exit.

Enter MARLOW, followed by a Servant. Mar. I wonder what Hastings could mean, by sending me so valuable a thing as a casket to keep for him, when he knows the only place I have is the seat of a post coach at an inn-door! Have you deposited the casket with the landlady, as I ordered you? Have you put it into her own hands?

Ser. Yes, your honour.

Mar. She said she'd keep it safe, did she?

Ser. Yes, she said she'd keep it safe enough; she asked me how I came by it? and she said she had a great mind to make me give an account of myself. [Exit Servant.

Mar. Ha, ha, ha! They're safe, however. What an unaccountable set of beings have we got amongst! This little bar-maid, though, runs in my head most strangely, and drives out the absurdities of all the rest of the family. She's mine; she must be mine, or I'm greatly mistaken.

Enter HASTINGS.

Hast. Bless me! I quite forgot to tell her that I intended to prepare at the bottom of the garden. Marlow here, and in spirits, too!

Mar. Give me joy, George! Crown me, sha

dow me with laurels! Well, George, after all, we modest fellows don't want for success among the women.

Hast. Some women, you mean. But what success has your honour's modesty been crowned with now, that it grows so insolent upon us?

Mar. Did not you see the tempting, brisk, lovely, little thing, that runs about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle?

Hast. Well! and what then? Mar. She's mine, you rogue you! Such fire, such motion, such eyes, such lips! -but, egad! she would not let me kiss them though. Hast. But are you so sure, so very sure of her?

Mar. Why, man, she talked of shewing me her work above stairs, and I'm to improve the pattern.

Hust. But how can you, Charles, go about to rob a woman of her honour?

Mar. Pshaw! pshaw! We all know the honour of the bar-maid of an inn. I don't intend to rob her, take my word for it; there's nothing in this house I shan't honestly pay for.

Hust. I believe the girl has virtue. Mur. And if she has, I should be the last man in the world that would attempt to corrupt it. Hast. You have taken care, I hope, of the casket I sent you to lock up? It's in safety?

Mar. Yes, yes. It's safe enough. I have taken care of it. But how could you think the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door a place of safety? Ah, numbskull! I have taken better precautions for you, than you did for yourself.I have Hast. What?

Mar. I have sent it to the landlady to keep for you.

Hast. To the landlady?

Mar. The landlady.

Hast. You did?

Mar. I did. She's to be answerable for its forthcoming, you know.

Hast. Yes; she'll bring it forth, with a witness!

Mar. Was not I right? I believe you'll allow that I acted prudently upon this occasion?

Hast. [Aside.] He must not see my uneasiness. Mar. You seem a little disconcerted though, methinks. Sure nothing has happened?

Hast. No; nothing! Never was in better spirits in all my life! And so you left it with the landlady, who, no doubt, very readily undertook the charge?

Mar. Rather too readily. For she not only kept the casket, but, through her great precaution, was going to keep the messenger, too. Ha, ha, ha!

Hast. He, he, he! They're safe, however. Mar. As a guinea in a miser's purse. Hast. [Aside.] So now, all hopes of fortune are at an end, and we must set off without it. [To him.] Well, Charles, I'll leave you to your me

ditations on the pretty bar-maid, and, he, he, he ! may you be as successful for yourself as you have been for me! [Exit HAST. Mar. Thank ye, George! I ask no more, ha, ha, ha!

Enter HARDCASTLE.

Hard. I no longer know my own house. It is turned all topsy-turvy. His servants have got drunk already. I'll bear it no longer; and yet, from my respect for his father, I'll be calm. [Ta him.] Mr Marlow, your servant. I'm your very humble servant. [Bowing low.

Mar. Sir, your humble servant. [Åside.] What's

to be the wonder now?

Hard. I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no man alive ought to be more welcome than your father's son, sir. I hope you think so?

Mar. I do from my soul, sir. I don't want much entreaty. I generally make my father's son welcome wherever he goes.

Hard. I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But, though I say nothing to your own conduct, that of your servants is insufferable. Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house, I assure you.

Mar. I protest, my very good sir, that's no fault of mine. If they don't drink as they ought, they are to blame. I ordered them not to spare the cellar. I did, I assure you. [To the side scene.] Here, let one of my servants come up. [To him.] My positive directions were, that as I did not drink myself, they should make up for my deficiencies below.

Hard. Then, they had your orders for what they do? I'm satisfied.

Mar. They had, I assure you. You shall hear from one of themselves.

Enter Servant drunk.

Mar. You, Jeremy! Come forward, sirrah! What were my orders? Were you not told to drink freely, and call for what you thought fit, for the good of the house?

Hard. [Aside.] I begin to lose my patience.

Jer. Please your honour, liberty and Fleetstreet for ever! Though I'm but a servant, I'm as good as another man. I'll drink for no man before supper, sir, dammy! Good liquor will sit upon a good supper, but a good supper will not sit upon- -hiccup- -upon my conscience, [Staggers out. Mar. You see, my old friend, the fellow is as drunk as he can possibly be! I don't know what you'd have more, unless you'd have the poor devil soused in a beer-barrel.

sir!

Hard. Zounds! He'll drive me distracted, if I contain myself any longer! Mr Marlow. Sir; I have submitted to your insolence for more than four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming to an end. I'm now resolved to be master here,

Hard. I tell you, sir, you don't please me; so I desire you'll leave my house!

Mar. Sure you cannot be serious? At this time o'night, and such a night! You only mean to banter me?

Hard. I tell you, sir, I'm serious! and, now that my passions are roused, I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I command you to leave it directly.

Mar. Ha, ha, ha! A puddle in a storm! I shan't stir a step, I assure you! [In a serious tone.] This your house, fellow! It's my house! This is my house! Mine, while I choose to stay! What right have you to bid me leave this house, sir? I never met with such impudence, curse me, never in my whole life before!

Hard. Nor I; confound me if ever I did! To come to my house, to call for what he likes, to turn me out of my own chair, to insult the family, to order his servants to get drunk, and then to tell me, This house is mine, sir! By all that's impudent, it makes me laugh! Ha, ha, ha! Pray, sir, [Bantering.] as you take the house, what think you of taking the rest of the furniture? There's a pair of silver candlesticks, and there's a fire-screen, and here's a pair of brazen-nosed bellows, perhaps you may take a fancy to them? Mar. Bring me your bill, sir, bring me your bill, and let's make no more words about it.

Hard. There are a set of prints, too. What think you of the rake's progress for your own apartment?

Mar. Bring me your bill, I say: and I'll leave you and your infernal house directly!

Hard. Then, there's a mahogany table, that you may see your face in!

Mar. My bill, I say!

Hard. I had forgot the great chair, for your own particular slumbers, after a hearty meal! Mar. Zounds! bring me my bill, I say, and let's hear no more on't!

hear more of it.

Mar. Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and what may your business in this house be?

Miss Hard. A relation of the family, sir.
Mar. What! A poor relation?

Miss Hard. Yes, sir! A poor relation, appointed to keep the keys, and to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them. Mar. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn?

Miss Hard. Inn! O law-What brought that in your head? One of the best families in the county keep an inn! Ha, ha, ha! Old Mr Hardcastle's house an inn!

Mar. Mr Hardcastle's house! Is this house Mr Hardcastle's house, child? Miss Hard. Ay, sure.

be!

Whose else should it

Mar. So, then, all's out, and I have been damnably imposed on! O! confound my stupid head! I shall be laughed at over the whole town! I shall be stuck up in caricatura in all the printshops! The Dullissimo Maccaroni. To mistake this house of all others for an inn; and my father's old friend for an inn-keeper! What a swaggering puppy must he take me for! What a silly puppy do I find myself! There, again, may I be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the bar-maid!

Miss Hard. Dear me! Dear me! I'm sure there's nothing in my behaviour to put me upon a level with one of that stamp.

Mar. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But I was in for a list of blunders, and could not help making you a subscriber. My stupidity saw every thing the wrong way. I mistook your assiduity for assurance, and your simplicity for allurement. But its over-This house I no more shew my face in!

Miss Hard. I hope, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige you! I'm sure I should be sorry to affront any gentleman who has been so polite, and said so many civil things to me. I'm sure I should be sorry [Pretending to cry.] if he left the family upon my account. I'm sure I should

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. Miss Hard. Let it be short, then; I'm in a hurry. [Aside.] I believe he begins to find out

Mar. [Aside.] By Heaven, she weeps! This is the first mark of tenderness I ever had from a modest woman, and it touches me. [To her.] Excuse me, my lovely girl; you are the only part of the family I leave with reluctance! But, to be plain with you, the difference of our birth, fortune, and education, make an honourable connexion impossible; and I can never harbour a thought of bringing ruin upon one, whose only fault was being too lovely.

Miss Hard. [Aside.] Generous man! I now begin to admire him! [To him.] But I'm sure my family is as good as Miss Hardcastle's, and, though