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From the Devout Inquirer's Guide,
For the wise spirits to decide-

As, for example, is it

True that the damned are fried or boiled?
Was the Earth's axis greased or oiled?
Who cleaned the moon when it was
soiled?

How baldness might be cured or foiled?
How heal diseased potatoes?
Did spirits have the sense of smell?
Where would departed spinsters dwell?
If the late Zenas Smith were well?
If Earth were solid or a shell?
Were spirits fond of Doctor Fell?
Did the bull toll Cock-Robin's knell ?
What remedy would bugs expel!
If Paine's invention were a sell?
Did spirits by Webster's system spell?
Was it a sin to be a belle?
Did dancing sentence folks to hell?
If so, then where most torture fell

On little toes or great toes?
If life's true seat were in the brain?
Did Ensign mean to marry Jane?
By whom, in fact, was Morgan slain ?
Could matter ever suffer pain?
What would take out a cherry-stain?
Who picked the pocket of Seth Crane,
Of Waldo precinct, State of Maine?
Was Sir John Franklin sought in vain ?
Did primitive Christians ever train?
What was the family-name of Cain?
Them spoons, were they by Betty ta'en?
Would earth-worm poultice cure a
sprain?

Was Socrates so dreadful plain?
What teamster guided Charles's wain?
Was Uncle Ethan mad or sane,
And could his will in force remain ?
If not, what counsel to retain ?
Did Le Sage steal Gil Blas from Spain?
Was Junius writ by Thomas Paine?
Were ducks discomforted by rain?
How did Britannia rule the main?
Was Jonas coming back again?
Was vital truth upon the wane?
Did ghosts, to scare folks, drag a chain?
Who was our Huldah's chosen swain?
Did none have teeth pulled without
payin',

Ere ether was invented?
Whether mankind would not agree,
If the universe were tuned in C?
What was it ailed Lucindy's knee?
Whether folks eat folks in Feejee?
Whether his name would end with T?
If Saturn's rings were two or three,

And what bump in Phrenology
They truly represented?
These problems dark, wherein they
groped,

Wherewith man's reason vainly coped,
Now that the spirit-world was oped,
In all humility they hoped

Would be resolved instanter; Each of the miscellaneous rout Brought his, or her, own little doubt, And wished to pump the spirits out, Through his or her own private spout, Into his or her decanter.

PART III

THAT THE ARE MORE

WHEREIN IT IS SHOWN
MOST ARDENT SPIRITS
ORNAMENTAL THAN USEFUL.

MANY a speculating wight
Came by express-trains, day and night,
To see if Knott would "sell his right,
Meaning to make the ghosts a sight-

What they called a "meenaygerie";
One threatened, if he would not "trade,"
His run of custom to invade,
(He could not these sharp folks persuade
That he was not, in some way, paid,)

And stamp him as a plagiary,
By coming down, at one fell swoop,
With THE ORIGINAL KNOCKING
TROUPE,

Come recently from Hades,
Who (for a quarter-dollar heard)
Would ne'er rap out a hasty word
Whence any blame might be incurred

From the most fastidious ladies;
The late lamented Jesse Soule
To stir the ghosts up with a pole
And be director of the whole,

Who was engaged the rather
For the rare merits he 'd combine,
Having been in the spirit line,
Which trade he only did resign,
With general applause, to shine,
Awful in mail of cotton fine,

As ghost of Hamlet's father! Another a fair plan reveals Never yet hit on, which, he feels, To Knott's religious sense appeals -"We'll have your house set up on wheels,

A speculation pious;

For music, we can shortly find

A barrel-organ that will grind

Psalm-tunes, an instrument designed

For the New England tour - refined
From secular drosses, and inclined
To an unworldly turn, (combined

With no sectarian bias ;)
Then, travelling by stages slow,
Under the style of Knott & Co.,
I would accompany the show
As moral lecturer, the foe

Of Rationalism; while you could throw
The rappings in, and make them go
Strict Puritan principles, you know,
(How do you make 'em? with your toe?)
And the receipts which thence might flow,
We could divide between us :
Still more attractions to combine,
Beside these services of mine,
I will throw in a very fine
(It would do nicely for a sign)
Original Titian's Venus.'
Another offered handsome fees
If Knott would get Demosthenes
(Nay, his mere knuckles, for more ease)
To rap a few short sentences:
Or if, for want of proper keys,

His Greek might make confusion,
Then just to get a rap from Burke,
To recommend a little work

On Public Elocution.
Meanwhile, the spirits made replies
To all the reverent whats and whys,
Resolving doubts of every size,
And giving seekers grave and wise,
Who came to know their destinies,

A rap-turous reception;
When unbelievers void of grace
Came to investigate the place,
(Creatures of Sadducistic race,
With grovelling intellects and base,)
They could not find the slightest trace
To indicate deception;
Indeed, it is declared by some
That spirits (of this sort) are glum,
Almost, or wholly, deaf and dumb,
And (out of self-respect) quite mum
To sceptic natures cold and numb,
Who of this kind of Kingdom Come

Have not a just conception: True, there were people who demurred That, though the raps no doubt were heard Both under them and o'er them, Yet, somehow, when a search they made, They found Miss Jenny sore afraid, Or Jenny's lover, Doctor Slade, Equally awe-struck and dismayed, Or Deborah, the chamber-maid, Whose terrors not to be gainsaid, In laughs hysteric were displayed,

Was always there before them; This had its due effect with some Who straight departed, muttering, Hum! Transparent hoax! and Gammon ! But these were few: believing souls Came, day by day, in larger shoals, As the ancients to the windy holes 'Neath Delphi's tripod brought their doles,

Or to the shrine of Ammon.

The spirits seemed exceeding tame, Call whom you fancied, and he came; The shades august of eldest fame

You summoned with an awful ease;
As grosser spirits gurgled out
From chair and table with a spout,
In Auerbach's cellar once, to flout
The senses of the rabble rout,
Where'er the gimlet twirled about

Of cunning Mephistopheles,
So did these spirits seem in store,
Behind the wainscot or the door,
Ready to thrill the being's core
Of every enterprising bore

With their astounding glamour;
Whatever ghost one wished to hear,
By strange coincidence, was near
To make the past or future clear

(Sometimes in shocking grammar)
By raps and taps, now there, now here-
It seemed as if the spirit queer
Of some departed auctioneer
Were doomed to practise by the year
With the spirit of his hammer:
Whate'er you asked was answered, yet
One could not very deeply get
Into the obliging spirits' debt,
Because they used the alphabet
In all communications,

And new revealings (though sublime) Rapped out, one letter at a time,

With boggles, hesitations, Stoppings, beginnings o'er again, And getting matters into train, Could hardly overload the brain

With too excessive rations, Since just to ask if two and two Really make four? or, How d' ye do? And get the fit replies thereto In the tramundane rat-tat-too,

Might ask a whole day's patience.

'Twas strange ('mongst other things) to find

In what odd sets the ghosts combined, Happy forthwith to thump any

Piece of intelligence inspired,
The truth whereof had been inquired
By some one of the company;
For instance, Fielding, Mirabeau,
Orator Henley, Cicero,
Paley, John Zisca, Marivaux,
Melancthon, Robertson, Junot,
Scaliger, Chesterfield, Rousseau,
Hakluyt, Boccaccio, South, De Foe,
Diaz, Josephus, Richard Roe,
Odin, Arminius, Charles le gros,
Tiresias, the late James Crow,
Casabianca, Grose, Prideaux,

With this response the chamber rang,

"I guess it was Old Hundred." And Franklin, being asked to name The reason why the lightning came,

Replied, "Because it thundered."

On one sole point the ghosts agreed,
One fearful point, than which, indeed,
Nothing could seem absurder;
Poor Colonel Jones they all abused,
And finally downright accused
The poor old man of murder;

'T was thus; by dreadful raps was shown

Old Grimes, Young Norval, Swift, Bris- Some spirit's longing to make known

sot,

Maimonides, the Chevalier D'O,

Socrates, Fenelon, Job, Stow,
The inventor of Elixir pro,
Euripides, Spinoza, Poe,

Confucius, Hiram Smith, and Fo,
Came (as it seemed, somewhat de trop)
With a disembodied Esquimaux,
To say that it was so and so,

With Franklin's expedition;
One testified to ice and snow,
One that the mercury was low,
One that his progress was quite slow,
One that he much desired to go,
One that the cook had frozen his toe,
(Dissented from by Dandolo,
Wordsworth, Cynaegirus, Boileau,
La Hontan, and Sir Thomas Roe,)
One saw twelve white bears in a row,
One saw eleven and a crow,
With other things we could not know
(Of great statistic value, though,)

By our mere mortal vision.

Sometimes the spirits made mistakes, And seemed to play at ducks and drakes With bold inquiry's heaviest stakes

In science or in mystery; They knew so little (and that wrong) Yet rapped it out so bold and strong, One would have said the unnumbered throng

Had been Professors of History; What made it odder was, that those Who, you would naturally suppose, Could solve a question, if they chose, As easily as count their toes,

Were just the ones that blundered; One day, Ulysses happening down, A reader of Sir Thomas Browne

And who (with him) had wondered What song it was the Sirens sang, Asked the shrewd Ithacan-bang/ bang!

A bloody fact, which he alone
Was privy to, (such ghosts more prone

In Earth's affairs to meddle are ;) Who are you? with awe-stricken looks, All ask his airy knuckles he crooks, And raps, "I was Eliab Snooks,

That used to be a pedler; Some on ye still are on my books !" Whereat, to inconspicuous nooks, (More fearing this than common spooks,) Shrank each indebted meddler; Further the vengeful ghost declared That while his earthly life was spared, About the country he had fared,

A duly licensed follower

Of that much-wandering trade that wins
Slow profit from the sale of tins

And various kinds of hollow-ware;
That Colonel Jones enticed him in,
Pretending that he wanted tin,
There slew him with a rolling-pin,
Hid him in a potato-bin,

And (the same night) him ferried
Across Great Pond to t' other shore,
And there, on land of Widow Moore,
Just where you turn to Larkin's store,

Under a rock him buried; Some friends (who happened to be by) He called upon to testify That what he said was not a lie,

And that he did not stir this Foul matter, out of any spite But from a simple love of right;

Which statements the Nine Worthies, Rabbi Akiba, Charlemagne, Seth, Colley Cibber, General Wayne, Cambyses, Tasso, Tubal-Cain, The owner of a castle in Spain, Jehanghire, and the Widow of Nain, (The friends aforesaid,) made more plain And by loud raps attested; To the same purport testified Plato, John Wilkes, and Colonel Pride

Who knew said Snooks before he died,

Had in his wares invested, Thought him entitled to belief And freely could concur, in brief, In everything the rest did.

Eliab this occasion seized,
(Distinctly here the spirit sneezed,)
To say that he should ne'er be eased
Till Jenny married whom she pleased,
Free from all checks and urgin's,
(This spirit dropt his final g's)
And that, unless Knott quickly sees
This done, the spirits to appease,
They would come back his life to tease,
As thick as mites in ancient cheese,
And let his house on an endless lease
To the ghosts (terrific rappers these
And veritable Eumenides)

Of the Eleven Thousand Virgins!

Knott was perplexed and shook his head, He did not wish his child to wed

With a suspected murderer, (For, true or false, the rumor spread,) But as for this roiled life he led, "It would not answer," so he said,

"To have it go no furderer." At last, scarce knowing what it meant, Reluctantly he gave consent That Jenny, since 't was evident That she would follow her own bent,

Should make her own election;
For that appeared the only way
These frightful noises to allay
Which had already turned him gray
And plunged him in dejection.

Accordingly, this artless maid
Her father's ordinance obeyed,
And, all in whitest crape arrayed,
(Miss Pulsifer the dresses made
And wishes here the fact displayed
That she still carries on the trade,
The third door south from Bagg's Arcade,)
A very faint "I do" essayed
And gave her hand to Hiram Slade,
From which time forth, the ghosts were
laid,

And ne'er gave trouble after;
But the Selectmen, be it known,
Dug underneath the aforesaid stone,
Where the poor pedler's corpse was
thrown,

And found thereunder a jaw-bone, Though, when the crowner sat thereon, He nothing hatched, except alone

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Still, if to Jaalam you go down,
You'll find two parties in the town,
One headed by Benaiah Brown,

And one by Perez Tinkham;
The first believe the ghosts all through
And vow that they shall never rue
The happy chance by which they knew
That people in Jupiter are blue,
And very fond of Irish stew,

Two curious facts which Prince Lee Boo Rapped clearly to a chosen few—

Whereas the others think 'em A trick got up by Doctor Slade With Deborah the chamber-maid And that sly cretur Jinny. That all the revelations wise, At which the Brownites made big eyes, Might have been given by Jared Keyes,

A natural fool and ninny,

And, last week, did n't Eliab Snooks
Come back with never better looks,
As sharp as new-bought mackerel hooks,
And bright as a new pin, eh?
Good Parson Wilbur, too, avers
(Though to be mixed in parish stirs
Is worse than handling chestnut-burrs)
That no case to his mind occurs
Where spirits ever did converse,
Save in a kind of guttural Erse,

(So say the best authorities ;)
And that a charge by raps conveyed
Should be most scrupulously weighed

And searched into, before it is Made public, since it may give pain That cannot soon be cured again, And one word may infix a stain

Which ten cannot gloss over, Though speaking for his private part, He is rejoiced with all his heart

Miss Knott missed not her lover.

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