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From the Devout Inquirer's Guide, | And what bump in Phrenology
They truly represented ?
These problems dark, wherein they True that the damned are fried or boiled
groped, Was the Earth's axis greased or oiled ? Wherewith man's reason vainly coped, Who cleaned the moon when it was Now that the spirit-world was oped, soiled ?
In all humility they hoped
Each of the miscellaneous rout
Into his or her decanter.
WHEREIN IT IS SHOWN THAT THE Did spirits by Webster's system spell ?
MOST ARDENT SPIRITS ARE MORE Was it a sin to be a belle?
ORNAMENTAL THAN USEFUL
Came by express-trains, day and night, If life's true seat were in the brain ? To see if Knott would sell his right," Did Ensign inean to marry Jane? Meaning to make the ghosts a sight By whom, in fact, was Morgan slain ? What they called a "meenaygerie" ; Could matter ever suffer pain ?
One threatened, if he would not “ trade," What would take out a cherry-stain ? His run of custom to invade, Who picked the pocket of Seth Crane, | (He could not these sharp folks persuade Of Waldo precinct, State of Maine ? That he was not, in some way, paid,) Was Sir John Franklin sought in vain ? And stamp him as a plagiary, Did primitive Christians ever train ? By coming down, at one fell swoop, What was the family-name of Cain? With THE ORIGINAL KNOCKING Them spoons, were they by Betty ta'en ?
TROUPE, Would earth-worm poultice cure a Come recently from Hades, sprain ?
Who (for a quarter-dollar heard) Was Socrates so dreadful plain ? Would ne'er rap out a hasty word What teamster guided Charles's wain? Whence any blame might be incurred Was Uncle Ethan mad or sane,
From the most fastidious ladies;
To stir the ghosts up with a pole
Which trade he only did resign,
With general applause, to shine,
Never yet hit on, which, he feels,
To Knott's religious sense appeals Whether mankind would not agree, “We'll have your house set up on If the universe were tuned in C ?
wheels, What was it ailed Lucindy's knee?
A speculation pious ; Whether folks eat folks in Feejee ? For music, we can shortly find Whether his name would end with T? A barrel-organ that will grind If Saturn's rings were two or three, Psalm-tunes, — an instrument designed
For the New England tour - refined I Was always there before them ;
Transparent hoax ! and Gammon !
As the ancients to the windy holes As moral lecturer, the foe
'Neath Delphi's tripod brought their Of Rationalism ; while you could throw doles, The rappings in, and make them go Or to the shrine of Ammon. Strict Puritan principles, you know, (How do you make 'em ? with your toe ?) The spirits seemed exceeding tame, and the receipts which thence night How, Call whom you fancied, and he came; We could divide between us :
The shades august of eldest fame Still more attractions to combine,
You summoned with an awful ease; Beside these services of mine,
As grosser spirits gurgled out I will throw in a very fine
| From chair and table with a spout, (It would do nicely for a sign)
In Auerbach's cellar once, to fout Original Titian's Venus."
The senses of the rabble rout, Another offered handsome fees
Where'er the gimlet twirled about If Knott would get Demosthenes
Of cunning Mephistopheles, (Nay, his mere knuckles, for more ease) So did these spirits seem in store, To rap a few short sentences ;
Behind the wainscot or the door,
Ready to thrill the being's core
Whatever ghost one wished to hear, On Public Elocution.
By strange coincidence, was near Meanwhile, the spirits made replies To make the past or future clear To all the reverent whats and whys, (Sometimes in shocking grammar) Resolving doubts of every size,
By raps and taps, now there, now here And giving seekers grave and wise, It seemed as if the spirit queer Who came to know their destinies, Of some departed auctioneer A rap-turous reception ;
Were doomed to practise by the year When unbelievers void of grace
With the spirit of his hammer : Came to investigate the place,
Whate'er you asked was answered, yet (Creatures of Sadducistic race,
One could not very deeply get With grovelling intellects and base,) Into the obliging spirits' debt, They could not find the slightest trace Because they used the alphabet To indicate deception ;
In all communications, Indeed, it is declared by some
And new revealings (though sublime) That spirits (of this sort) are glum, Rapped out, one letter at a time, Almost, or wholly, deaf and dumb, With boggles, hesitations, And (out of self-respect) quite mum Stoppings, beginnings o'er again, To sceptic natures cold and numb, And getting matters into train, Who of this kind of Kingdom Come Could hardly overload the brain Have not a just conception :
With too excessive rations, True, there were people who demurred Since just to ask if two and two That, though the raps no doubt were heard Really make four? or, How ď' ye do?
Both under them and o'er them, And get the fit replies thereto Yet, somehow, when a search they made, In the tramundane rat-tat-too, They found Miss Jenny sore afraid, Might ask a whole day's patience. Or Jenny's lover, Doctor Slade, Equally awe-struck and dismayed, | 'T was strange ('mongst other things) to Or Deborah, the chamber-maid,
find Whose terrors not to be gainsaid, In what odd sets the ghosts combined, In laughs hysteric were displayed,
Happy forth with to thump any
Piece of intelligence inspired,
With this response the chamber rang, The truth whereof had been inquired | “I guess it was Old Hundred.
By some one of the company; And Franklin, being asked to name For instance, Fielding, Mirabeau, The reason why the lightning came, Orator Henley, Cicero,
Replied, “Because it thundered." Paley, John Zisca, Marivaux, Melancthon, Robertson, Junot,
On one sole point the ghosts agreed, Scaliger, Chesterfield, Rousseau, One fearful point, than which, indeed, Hakluyt, Boccaccio, South, De Foe, Nothing could seem absurder; Diaz, Josephus, Richard Roe,
Poor Colonel Jones they all abused, Odin, Arininius, Charles le gros, And finally downright accused Tiresias, the late James Crow,
The poor old man of murder ; Casabianca, Grose, Prideaux,
'T was thus ; by dreadful raps was shown Old Grimes, Young Norval, Swift, Bris Some spirit's longing to make known sot,
A bloody fact, which he alone Maimonides, the Chevalier D'O, Was privy to, (such ghosts more prone Socrates, Fenelon, Job, Stow,
In Earth's affairs to meddle are ;) The inventor of Elixir pro,
Who are you? with awe-stricken looks, Euripides, Spinoza, Poe,
All ask : his airy knuckles he crooks, Confucius, Hiram Smith, and Fo, And raps, “I was Eliab Snooks, Came (as it seemed, somewhat de trop) That used to be a pedler ; With a disembodied Esquimaux, Some on ye still are on my books ?” To say that it was so and so,
Whereat, to inconspicuous nooks, With Franklin's expedition ;
(More fearing this than common spooks,) One testified to ice and snow,
Shrank each indebted meddler; One that the mercury was low,
Further the vengeful ghost declared One that his progress was quite slow, That while his earthly life was spared, One that he much desired to go,
About the country he had fared, One that the cook had frozen his toe, A duly licensed follower (Dissented from by Dandolo,
Of that much-wandering trade that wins Wordsworth, Cynaegirus, Boileau, Slow profit from the sale of tins La Hontan, and Sir Thomas Roe,)
And various kinds of hollow-ware; One saw twelve white bears in a row, That Colonel Jones enticed him in, One saw eleven and a crow,
Pretending that he wanted tin,
And (the same night) him ferried
Across Great Pond to t' other shore, Sometimes the spirits made mistakes, And there, on land of Widow Moore, And seemed to play at ducks and drakes Just where you turn to Larkin's store, With bold inquiry's heaviest stakes | Under a rock him buried; In science or in mystery;
Some friends (who happened to be by) They knew so little (and that wrong) He called upon to testify Yet rapped it out so bold and strong, That what he said was not a lie, One would have said the unnumbered And that he did not stir this throng
Foul matter, out of any spite Had been Professors of History; But from a simple love of right ;What made it odder was, that those Which statements the Nine Worthies, Who, you would naturally suppose, Rabbi Akiba, Charlemagne, Could solve a question, if they chose, Seth, Colley Cibber, General Wayne, As easily as count their toes,
Cambyses, Tasso, Tubal-Cain, Were just the ones that blundered ; The owner of a castle in Spain, One day, Ulysses happening down, Jehanghire, and the Widow of Nain, A reader of Sir Thomas Browne
(The friends aforesaid,) made more plain And who (with him) had wondered And by loud raps attested ; What song it was the Sirens sang, To the same purport testified Asked the shrewd Ithacan -- bang/ bang! Plato, John Wilkes, and Colonel Pride
Who knew said Snooks before he died, 1 Successive broods of laughter;
It was a frail and dingy thing,
In which a grinder or two did cling, And freely could concur, in brief,
In color like molasses, In everything the rest did.
Which surgeons, called from far and wide,
Upon the horror to decide, Eliab this occasion seized,
Having put on their glasses, (Distinctly here the spirit sncezed,) Reported thus- "To judge by looks, To say that he should ne'er be eased These bones, by some queer hooks or Till Jenny married whom she pleased,
crooks, Free from all checks and urgin's, | May have belonged to Mr. Snooks, (This spirit dropt his final g's)
But, as men deepest-read in books And that, unless Knott quickly sees Are perfectly aware, bones, This done, the spirits to appease, If buried fifty years or so, They would come back his life to tease, | Lose their identity and grow As thick as mites in ancient cheese, From human bones to bare bones." And let his house on an endless lease To the ghosts (terrific rappers these Still, if to Jaalam you go down, And veritable Euinenides)
You'll find two parties in the town, Of the Eleven Thousand Virgins ! One headed by Benaiah Brown,
And one by Perez Tinkham ; Knott was perplexed and shook his head, The first believe the ghosts all through He did not wish his child to wed | And vow that they shall never rue With a suspected murderer,
The happy chance by which they knew (For, true or false, the rumor spread) That people in Jupiter are blue, But as for this roiled life he led, And very fond of Irish stew, “It would not answer," so he said, Two curious facts which Prince Lee Boo “To have it go no furderer."
Rapped clearly to a chosen few At last, scarce knowing what it meant, Whereas the others think 'em Reluctantly he gave consent
A trick got up by Doctor Slade That Jenny, since 't was evident With Deborah the chamber-maid That she would follow her own bent, And that sly cretur Jinny.
Should make her own election; That all the revelations wise, For that appeared the only way
At which the Brownites made big eyes, These frightful noises to allay
Might have been given by Jared Keyes, Which had already turned him gray A natural fool and ninny, And plunged him in dejection.
And, last week, did n't Eliab Snooks
Come back with never better looks, Accordingly, this artless maid
As sharp as new-bought mackerel hooks, Her father's ordinance obeyed,
And bright as a new pin, eh ? And, all in whitest crape arrayed, Good Parson Wilbur, too, avers (Miss Pulsifer the dresses made
(Though to be mixed in parish stirs And wishes here the fact displayed Is worse than handling chestnut-burrs) That she still carries on the trade, That no case to his mind occurs The third door south from Bagg's Arcade) Where spirits ever did converse, A very faint “I do" essayed
Save in a kind of guttural Erse, And gave her hand to Hiram Slade, (So say the best authorities ;) From which time forth, the ghosts were And that a charge by raps conveyed laid,
Should be most scrupulously weighed And ne'er gave trouble after;
And searched into, before it is But the Selectmen, be it known, Made public, since it may give pain Dug underneath the aforesaid stone, That cannot soon be cured again, Where the poor pedler's corpse was And one word may infix a stain thrown,
Which ten cannot gloss over, And found thereunder a jaw-bone, | Though speaking for his private part, Though, when the crowner sat thereon, He is rejoiced with all his heart He nothing hatched, except alone 1 Miss Knott missed not her lover.
They toiled not neither did they spin ;
their bias SOMEWHERE in India, upon a time,
Was tow'rd the harder task of being (Read it not Injah, or you spoil the
pious. verse,) There dwelt two saints whose privi
lege sublime It was to sit and watch the world grow Each from his hut rushed six score worse,
times a day, Their only care (in that delicious Like a great canon of the Church fullclime)
rammed At proper intervals to pray and curse ; With cartridge theologic, (so to say,) Pracrit the dialect each prudent | Touched himself off, and then, recoiling, brother
slammed Used for himself, Damnonian fir the
His hovel's door behind him in a way other.
That to his foe said plainly, — you 'il
And so like Potts and Wainwright, One half the time of each was spent
shrill and strong
The two D-D'd each other all day in praying For blessings on his own unworthy
long. head, The other half in fearfully portraying Where certain folks would go when they One was a dancing Dervise, a Mowere dead;
hammedan, This system of exchanges — there's The other was a Hindoo, a gymnoso.
no saying To what more solid barter 't would have One kept his whatd'yecaliit and his led,
Ramadan, But that a river, vext with boils and Laughing to scorn the sacred rites and swellings
laws of his At rainy times, kept peace between | Transfluvial rival, who, in turn, called their dwellings.
| Old top, and, as a clincher, shook across III.
a fist So they two played at wordy battle
With nails six inches long, yet lifted dore
not And kept a curse forever in the air,
His eyes from off his navel's mystic Flying this way or that from shore
knot. to shore; Nor other labor did this holy pair, Clothed and supported from the lavish “Who whirls not round six thousand store
times an hour Which crowds lanigerous brought with Will go,” screamed Ahmed, “to the daily care ;
evil place ;