Hastings. But let's hear it.

Hastings. So, then, like an experienced general, | Bedford, to eat up such a supper? Two or three you attack them on every quarter. If you find little things, clean and comfortable, will do. their reason manageable, you attack it with your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with this. Here's your health, my philosopher. [Drinks.

Hardcastle. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! ha! Your generalship puts me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of Belgrade. You shall hear.

Marlow. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it's almost time to talk about supper. What

Marlow [reading]. For the first course at the top, a pig, and prune sauce.

Hastings. Damn your pig, I say.

Marlow, And damn your prune sauce, say I. Hardcastle. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig with prune sauce is very good eating.

Marlow. At the bottom a calf's tongue and brains.

has your philosophy got in the house for supper? Hastings. Let your brains be knocked out, my Hardcastle. For supper, sir! [Aside] Was ever good sir, I don't like them.

such a request to a man in his own house!

Marlow. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall make devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you.

Marlow. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves.

Hardcastle [aside]. Their impudence confounds me. [To them.] Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is there Why really, any thing else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen?

Hardcastle [aside]. Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. [To him.] sir, as for supper, I can't well tell. My Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave these kind of things entirely to them. Marlow. You do, do you? Hardcastle. Entirely. By the by, I believe they are in actual consultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen.

Marlow. Item. A pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a Florentine, a shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff-tafl-taffety cream.

Hastings. Confound your made dishes; I shall be as much at a loss in this house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador's table. I'm for plain eating.

Marlow. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy-council. It's a way I have got. When Hardcastle. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have I travel I always choose to regulate my own sup- nothing you like, but if there be any thing you per. Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, have a particular fancy toair?

Marlow. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so Hardcastle. O no, sir, none in the least; yet I exquisite, that any one part of it is full as good as don't know how; our Bridget, the cook-maid, is another. not very communicative upon these occasions. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of the house.

Send us what you please. So much for And now to see that our beds are aired, and properly taken care of.

supper.

Hardcastle. I entreat you'll leave all that to me.

Hastings. Let's see your list of the larder then. You shall not stir a step. I ask it as a favour. I always match my appetite| to my bill of fare.

Marlow [to Hardcastle, who looks at them with surprise]. Sir, he's very right, and it's my way

too.

Hardcastle. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, bring us the bill of fare for tonight's supper: I believe it's drawn out.-Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel Wallop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper till he had eaten it.

Marlow. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, I always look to these things myself.

Hardcastle. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that head.

Marlow. You see I'm resolved on it. [Aside.] A very troublesome fellow this, as I ever met with. Hardcastle. Well, sir, I'm resolved at least to attend you. [Aside.] This may be modern modesty, but I never saw any thing look so like oldfashioned impudence.

[Exeunt Marlow and Hardcastle. Hastings [Aside]. All upon the high rope! His Hastings [alone]. So I find this fellow's civiliuncle a colonel! we shall soon hear of his mother ties begin to grow troublesome. But who can be being a justice of the peace. But let's hear the angry at those assiduities which are meant to please him?-Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that's happy!

bill of fare.

Marlow [perusing]. What's here? For the first course; for the second course; for the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have brought down the whole joiner's company, or the corporation of Miss Neville. My dear Hastings! To what un

Enter MISS NEVILLE.

expected good fortune, to what accident, am I to through all the rest of the family.-What have wo ascribe this happy meeting?

Hastings. Rather let me ask the same question, as I could never have hoped to meet my dearest Constance at an inn.

Miss Neville. An inn! sure you mistake: my aunt, my guardian, lives here. What could induce you to think this house an inn?

Hastings. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have been sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we accidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither.

Miss Neville. Certainly it must be one of my hopeful cousin's tricks, of whom you have heard me talk so often; ha! ha! ha!

Hastings. He whom your aunt intends for you? he of whom I have such just apprehensions?

got here?

Hastings. My dear Charles! Let me congratulate you!-The most fortunate accident?-Who you think is just alighted?

do

Marlow. Can not guess.

Hastings. Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcastle and Miss Neville. Give me leave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to your acquaintance. Happening to dine in the neighbourhood, they called on their return to take fresh horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just stepped into the next room, and will be back in an instant. Wasn't it lucky? eh!

Marlow [aside.] I have been mortified enough of all conscience, and here comes something to complete my embarrassment.

Hastings. Well, but wasn't it the most fortunate thing in the world?

Miss Neville. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You'd adore him if you knew Marlow. Oh! yes. Very fortunate-a most how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it joyful encounter-But our dresses, George, you too, and has undertaken to court me for him, and know are in disorder-What if we should postactually begins to think she has made a conquest. pone the happiness till to-morrow?-To-morrow Hastings. Thou dear dissembler! You must at her own house-It will be every bit as conveknow, my Constance, I have just seized this happy nient-and rather more respectful-To-morrow let opportunity of my friend's visit here to get admit- it be. [Offering to go. tance into the family. The horses that carried us down are now fatigued with their journey, but they'll soon be refreshed; and then, if my dearest girl will trust in her faithful Hastings, we shall soon be landed in France, where even among permit you to see her. slaves the laws of marriage are respected.

Miss Neville. By no means, sir. Your ceremony will displease her. The disorder of your dress will show the ardour of your impatience. Besides, she knows you are in the house, and will

Marlow. O! the devil! how shall I support it?

Miss Neville. I have often told you, that though-Hem! hem! Hastings, you must not go. You ready to obey you, I yet should leave my little for- are to assist me, you know. I shall be confound tune behind with reluctance. The greatest part edly ridiculous. Yet, hang it! I'll take courage. of it was left me by my uncle, the India director, Hem! and chiefly consists in jewels. I have been for some time persuading my aunt to let me wear them. I fancy I'm very near succeeding. The instant they are put into my possession, you shall find me yeady to make them and myself yours.

Hastings. Pshaw, man! it's but the first plunge, and all's over. She's but a woman, you know. Marlow. And of all women, she that I dread most to encounter.

know, to esteem each other.

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, as returned from walking. Hastings. Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In the mean time, my friend Marlow Hastings [introducing them.] Miss Hardcasmust not be let into his mistake. I know the tle. Mr. Marlow. I'm proud of bringing twe strange reserve of his temper is such, that if ab- persons of such merit together, that only want to ruptly informed of it, he would instantly quit the house before our plan was ripe for execution. Miss Neville. But how shall we keep him in the deception? Miss Hardcastle is just returned from walking; what if we still continue to deceive him?This, this way——— [They confer.

Enter MARLOW.

Miss Hardcastle [aside.] Now for meeting my modest gentleman with a demure face, and quite in his own manner. [After a pause, in which he appears very uneasy and disconcerted.] I'm glad of your safe arrival, sir,-I'm told you had some accidents by the way.

Marlow. Only a few, madam. Yes, we had Marlow. The assiduities of these good people some. Yes, madam, a good many accidents, but tease me beyond bearing. My host seems to think should be sorry-madam-or rather glad of any it ill manners to leave me alone, and so he claps accidents-that are so agreeably concluded. Hem. not only himself but his old-fashioned wife on my Hastings [to him.] You never spoke better in back. They talk of coming to sup with us too; your whole life. Keep it up and I'll insure you and then, I suppose, we are to run the gauntlet the victory.

Miss Hardcastle. I'm afraid you flatter, sir. must be some who, wanting a relish for refined You, that have seen so much of the finest compa-pleasures, pretend to despise what they are incany, can find little entertainment in an obscure cor- pable of tasting.

Miss Hardcastle. And that, some say, is the go on. very worst way to obtain them.

Marlow. Perhaps so, madam. But I love to converse only with the more grave and sensible part of the sex.-But I'm afraid I grow tiresome. Miss Hardcastle. Not at all, sir; there is nothing

I like so much as grave conversation myself; I has done for me. could hear it for ever. Indeed I have often been Miss Hardcastle [alone]. Ha! ha! ha! Was surprised how a man of sentiment could ever ad- there ever such a sober, sentimental interview? mire those light airy pleasures, where nothing I'm certain he scarce looked in my face the whole reaches the heart.

time. Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable Marlow. It's- a discase—of the mind, ma- bashfulness, is pretty well too. He has good dam. In the variety of tastes there must be some sense, but then so buried in his fears, that it fawho, wanting a relish-for-um-a-um. tigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach Miss Hardcastle. I understand you, sir. There him a little confidence it would be doing somebody

Enter TONY and MISS NEVILLE, followed by MRS.
HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS.

Tony. What do you follow me for, Cousin Con? I wonder you're not ashamed to be so very engaging.

Miss Neville. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, and not be to blame.

Tony. Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me though; but it won't do. I tell you, Cousin Con, it won't do; so I beg you'll keep your distance, I want no nearer relationship. [She follows, coquetting him to the back scene. Mrs. Hardcastle. Well! I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are very entertaining. There is nothing in the world I love to talk of so much as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself.

Hastings. Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, I concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. James's, or Tower Wharf.

Mrs. Hardcastle. O! sir, you're only pleased to say so. We country persons can have no manner at all. I'm in love with the town, and that serves to raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics; but who can have a manner, that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, the Borough, and such places where the nobility chiefly resort? All I can do is to enjoy London at second-hand. I take care to know every tète-à-téte from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, as they come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked-Lane. Pray how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings?

Hastings. You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies there are none ugly, so among the men there are none old.

Mrs. Hardcastle. But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his usual Gothic vivacity, he said I only wanted him to throw off his wig to convert it into a tete for my own wearing.

Hastings. Intolerable! At your age you may wear what you please, and it must become you. Mrs. Hardcastle. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most fashionable age about town?

Hastings. Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I'm told the ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter.

Mrs. Hardcastle. Seriously. Then I shall be too young for the fashion.

Hastings. No lady begins now to put on jewels till she's past forty. For instance, miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a child, as a mere maker of samplers.

Mrs. Hardcastle. And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels

as the oldest of us all.

Hastings. Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of yours, I should presume?

Mrs. Hardcastle. My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as if they were man and wife already. [To them.] Well, Tony, child, what soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening?

Tony. I have been saying no soft things; but that it's very hard to be followed about so. Ecod! I've not a place in the house now that's left to myself, but the stable.

Mrs. Hardcastle. Never mind him, Con, my

Hastings. Extremely elegant and dégagée, upon my word, madam. Your friseur is a French-dear, he's in another story behind your back. man, I suppose? Miss Neville. There's something generous in Mrs. Hardcastle. I protest, I dressed it myself my cousin's manner. He falls out before faces to from a print in the Ladies' Memorandum-book be forgiven in private. for the last year.

Hastings. Indeed! Such a head in a side-box at the play-house would draw as many gazers as my Lady Mayoress at a city ball.

Mrs. Hardcastle. I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such thing to be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a little particular, or one may escape in the crowd.

Hastings. But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress. [Bowing.

Tony. That's a damned confounded-crack. Mrs. Hardcastle. Ah! he's a sly one. Don't you think they're like each other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T. They're of a size too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastings may see you. Come, Tony. Tony. You had as good not make me, I tell you. [Measuring. Miss Neville. O lud! he has almost cracked my head.

Mrs. Hardcastle. Yet, what signifies my dressing when I have such a piece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle: all I can say will never argue down a single button from his clothes. I Ecod, I'll not be made a fool of no longer. have often wanted him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, to plaster it over, like my Lord Pately, with powder.

Mrs. Hardcastle. O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, and behave so!

Tony. If I'm a man, let me have my fortin.

Mrs. Hardcastle. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I'm to get for the pains I have taken in your education? I that have rocked you in your

cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon!

Hastings. To me she appears sensible and

Did not I work that waistcoat to make you gen-silent. teel? Did not I prescribe for you every day, and Tony. Ay, before company. But when she's weep while the receipt was operating? with her playmate, she's as loud as a hog in a

Hastings. But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me.

Tony. Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you gate. have been dosing me ever since I was born. I have gone through every receipt in the Complete Housewife ten times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me through Quincey next spring. But, ecod! I tell you, I'll not be made a fool of no longer.

Mrs. Hardcastle. Wasn't it all for your good, viper? Wasn't it all for your good?

Tony. I wish you'd let me and my good alone, then. Snubbing this way when I'm in spirits. If I'm to have any good, let it come of itself; not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so.

Mrs. Hardcastle. That's false; I never see you when you're in spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I'm never to be de lighted with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling

monster!

Tony. Yes, but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you're flung in the ditch.

Hastings. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty.-Yes, you must allow her some beauty.

Tony. Band-box! She's all a made-up thing, mum. Ah! could you but see Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit cushion. She'd make two of she.

Hastings. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter bargain off your hands? Tony. Anan?

Hastings. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave you to happiness and

Tony. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the your dear Betsy? wildest of the two.

Tony. Ay; but where is there such a friend,

Mrs. Hardcastle. Was ever the like? but I see for who would take her? he wants to break my heart; I see he does.

Hastings. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a little. I'm certain I can persuade him to his duty.

Hastings. I am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her off to France, and you shall never hear more of her.

Tony. Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last drop Mrs. Hardcastle. Well, I must retire. Come, of my blood. I'll clap a pair of horses to your Constance, my love. You see, Mr. Hastings, the chaise that shall trundle you off in a twinkling, wretchedness of my situation: was ever poor wo- and may-be get you a part of her fortin besides in man so plagued with a dear, sweet, pretty, provok-jewels that you little dream of.

ing, undutiful boy?

[Exeurt Mrs. Hardcastle and Miss Neville.

HASTINGS, TONY.

Tony [singing]. "There was a young man riding by, and fain would have his will. Rang do didlo dee.”- -Don't mind her. Let her cry. It's the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a book for an hour together;| and they said they liked the book the better the more it made them cry.

Hastings. Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty young gentleman?

Tony. That's as I find 'um.

Hastings. Not to her of your mother's choosing,

I dare answer? And yet she appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl.

Hardcastle. WHAT could my old friend Sir Tony. That's because you don't know her so Charles mean by recommending his son as the well as I. Ecod! I know every inch about her; modestest young man in town? To me he apand there's not a more bitter cantackerous toad in pears the most impudent piece of brass that ever all Christendom. spoke with a tongue. He has taken possession of Hastings [aside]. Pretty encouragement this the easy chair by the fire-side already. He took for a lover! off his boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I'm desirous to know how

Tony. I have seen her since the height of that. She has as many tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a his impudence affects my daughter.-She will olt the first day's breaking.

certainly be shocked at it.