be my Witness!But I'll bring Soldiers to force open the Doors by my own Commiffion. [Exit Amphitryon. Sof. Pox o' thefe Forms of Law, to defeat a Man of a Dinner, when he's fharp fet! 'tis against the Privilege of a Freeborn Stomach; and is no less than Subverfion of Fundamentals. [Jupiter above in the Balcony.

Jup. O, my Friends, I am forry I have made you wait fo long you are welcome; and the Door fhall be open'd to you immediately. [Exit Jupiter.

Grip. Was not that Amphitryon?

Sof. Why, who fhou'd it be else?

Grip. In all Appearance it was he: but how got he thither? Pol. In fuch a Trice too!

Tran. And after he had juft left us !

Grip. And fo much alter'd, for the better, in his Humour ? Sof. Here's fuch a Company of foolish Queftions, when a Man's hungry: You had beft ftay Dinner till he has prov'd himfelf to be Amphitryon in form of Law. But I'll make short Work of that Business: for I'll take mine Oath 'tis he.

Grip. I fhould be glad it were.

Sof. How, glad it were! with your damn'd Interrogatorieswhen you ought to be thankful, that so it is.

Grip. [Afide] That I may fee my Miftrefs Phædra, and prefent her with my great Gold Goblet.

Sof. If this be not the true Amphitryon, I wish I may be kept without Doors, fafting, and biting my own Fingers for want of Victuals; and that's a dreadful Imprecation! I am for the inviting, and eating, and treating Amphitryon; I am fure 'tis he that is my lawfully begotten Lord: and if you had an Ounce of true Juftice in you, you ought to have laid hold on t'other Amphitryon, and committed him for a Rogue, and an Impoftor, and a Vagabond. [The Door is open'd: Mercury from within. Merc. Enter quickly, Masters: The Paffage on the Righthand leads to the Gallery, where my Lord expects you For I am call'd another way.

[Gripus, Tranio, and Polidas go into the Houfe. Sof. I fhould know that Voice, by a fecret Inftinct: 'Tis a Tongue of my Family; and belongs to my Brother Sofia-It must be fo; for it carries a cudgelling Kind of Sound in itBut, put the worft-let me weigh this matter wifely-Here's a Beating and a Belly-full, against no Beating and no Belly-full. The beating is bad; but the Dinner is good: Now, not to be beaten, is but negatively good; but, not to fill my Belly, is pofitively bad-Upon the whole matter, my final Refolution is, to take the Good and the Bad as they come together. Is entring: Mercury meets him at the Door. Merc.

G

Merc. Whither now, you Kitchen-fkum? From whence this Impudence, to enter here without Permiffion?

Sof. Moft illuftrious Sir! My Ticket is my Hunger. Shew the full Bowels of your Compaffion, to the empty Bowels of my Famine.

Merc. Were you not charg'd to return no more? I'll cut you into Quarters, and hang you upon the Shambles.

Sof. You'll get but little Credit by me: Alas, Sir, I am but mere Carrion Brave Sofia, compaffionate Coward Sofia; and beat not thyfelf, in beating me.

Merc. Who gave you that Privilege, Sirrah, to affume my Name? Have you not been fufficiently warn'd of it; and receiv'd part of Punishment already?

Sof. May it pleafe you, Sir, the Name is big enough for both of us. I would have obey'd you, and quitted my Title to it; but, where-ever I come, the malicious World will call me Sofia, in fpite of me. I am fenfible there are two Amphitryons; and why may not there be two Sofia's? Let thofe two cut one another's Throats at their own Pleasure; but you and I will be wifer, by my Confent, and hold good Intelligence together. Merc. No, no: Two Sofia's would make but two Fools.

Sof. Then let me be the Fool, and be you the prudent Perfon; and chufe for yourself fome wifer Name: Or you shall be the eldest Brother; and I'll be content to be the younger, tho' I lofe my Inheritance.

Merc. I tell thee, I am the only Son of our Family.

Sof. Ah! Then let me be your Bastard Brother, and the Son of a Whore-I hope that's but reasonable.

Merc. No, thou fhalt not difgrace my Father: for there are few Baftards now-a-days worth owning.

Sof. Ah! poor Sofia! What will become of thee?

Merc. Yet again profanely ufing my proper Name?

Sof. I did not mean myfelf-I was thinking of another Sofia, a poor Fellow, that was once of my Acquaintance, unfortun ately banish'd out of Doors, when Dinner was juft coming upon the Table.

Enter Phædra.

Phad. Sofia, you and I muft-Blefs me! what have we here -a Couple of you! or do I fee double?

:

Sof. I would fain bring it about, that I might make one of 'em But he's unreasonable, and will needs incorporate me, and swallow me whole into himfelf. If he would be content to be but one and a half, 'twould never grieve me.

Merc. 'Tis a perverfe Rafcal! I kick him, and cudgel him to no purpose; for ftill he's obftinate to stick to me: And I can never beat him out of my Refemblance.

Plad.

Phad. Which of you two is Sofia? for t'other must be the Devil.

Sof. You had best ask him, that has play'd the Devil with my Back and Sides.

Merc. You had best ask him, who gave you the Gold Goblet. Phad. No, that's already given: but he fhall be my Sofia, that will give me such another.

Merc. I find you have been interloping, Sirrah.

Sof. No, indeed, Sir! I only promis'd her a Gold Thimble; which was as much as comes to my Proportion of being Sofia. Phad. This is no Sofia for my Money: beat him away, t'other Sofia; he grows infufferable.

Sof. [Afide] Wou'd I were valiant, that I might beat him away; and fucceed him at the Dinner, for a pragmatical Son of a Whore, as he is

Merc. What's that you are muttering betwixt your Teeth, of a Son of a Whore, Sirrah?

Sof. I am fure I meant you no Offence; for, if I am not Sofia, I am the Son of a Whore, for ought I know: and, if you are Sofia, you may be the Son of a Whore, for ought you know. Merc. Whatever I am, I will be Sofia, as long as I please: and whenever you vifit me, you shall be fure of the Civility of the Cudgel.

Sof. If you will promise to beat me into the House, you may begin when you please with me: but to be beaten out of the House, at Dinner-time, Flesh and Blood can never bear

it.

[Mercury beats him about, and Sofia is ftill making towards the Door: but Mercury gets betwixt; and at length drives him off the Stage.

Phad. In the Name of Wonder, what are you that are Sofia, and are not Sofia?

Merc. If thou wouldst know more of me, my Perfon is freely at thy difpofing.

Phad. Then I difpofe of it to you again; for 'tis fo ugly, 'tis not for my Ufe.

Merc. I can be ugly or handfome, as I pleafe; go to Bed old, and rife young. I have fo many Suits of Perfons by me, I can fhift 'em when I will.

Phad. You are a Fool then, to put on your worst Clothes, when you come a wooing.

Merc. Go to: afk no more Queftions. I am for thy Turn; for I know thy Heart, and fee all thou haft about thee. In thy right Pocket-let me fee- three Love-Letters from Judge Gripus, written to the Bottom, on three Sides; full of Fuftian Paffion, and hearty Nonfenfe as alfo in the fame Pocket, a Letter of thine intended to him; confifting of nine

G 2

Lines

Lines and a half, fcrawl'd and false spell'd, to fhew thou art a Woman.

Phad. Is the Devil in you, to see all this? Now, for Heaven's Sake, do not look in t'other Pocket

and

Merc. Nay, there's nothing there, but a bawdy Lampoon,

Phad [Giving a great Frifk] Look no farther, I beseech you— Merc. And a Silver Spoon.

Phad. [Shrieking] Ah!

Merc. Which you purloin'd laft Night from Bromia.
Phad. Keep my Counsel, or I am undone for ever.

[Holding up her Hands to him. Merc. No: I'll mortify thee, now I have an Handle to thy Iniquity, if thou wilt not love me

Phad. Well, if you'll promise me to be secret, I will love you because indeed I dare do no other.

Merc. 'Tis a good Girl-I will be fecret; and further, I will be affifting to thee in thy Filching for thou and I were born under the fame Planet.

Phad. And we shall come to the fame End too, I'm afraid. Merc. No, no; fince thou haft Wit enough already to cozen a Judge, thou needst never fear Hanging,

Phad. And will you make-yourself a younger Man, and be handsome too, and rich? for you that know Hearts, must needs know, that I fhall never be constant to fuch an ugly old Sofia.

Merc. As to my Youth and Beauty, you shall know more of that another Time. But, prithee, why art thou fo covetous of Riches?

Phad. Why? because Riches will procure every thing else that I can with for.

Merc. But what if every thing elfe could be procur'd without Riches: would not that do as well?

Phad. Why no; there's a Pleasure, methinks, in having the Money before one lays it out.

Merc. And yet, 'till it is laid out, it is as ufelefs as fo much Dirt.

Phed. Aye-that may be-but when my Heart dances to the chinking of Money, it is not at leisure to think of that. Merc. But fuppofe, that, without Money, you could procure all that Money could buy and more.

Phad. Why, as well as I love Money, I have no Objection to any good Thing that Money won't buy: but pray how is it to be had?

Merc. To be had? why, upon the eafieft Terms in the World; only by a Motion of the Finger, or a Stamp with the Foot.

Phad. Phoo, that's impoffible.

Merc.

Mer. You fhall make the Experiment.

Phad. Shall I fo I will then, this Minute. Muft I stamp. with my Foot, or beckon with my Finger?

Merc. First try to find out what you wish for, which I have known a difficult Task for a Woman.

Phad. Let me fee

Merc. Come, I'll help you-If you had been put into Poffeffion of Gripus's Wealth Yesterday, what wou'd you have had to entertain you To-day?

Phad. Why, I wou'd have had.

let me fee. -I wou'd have had, juft now, a band of the beft Mufic in Thebes, and a Song in the Character of Plutus in praise of Money. Merc. Well, now ftamp with your Foot.

[Phædra ftamps; the Mufic firikes up; fhe starts and fereams out. Merc. Nay, nay, don't spoil the Mufic-there's a Friend of mine in the Character of Plutus juft coming in.

Phæd. I am very much oblig'd to you and your Friend; but, if you please, I had rather keep a little farther out of his

reach.

Merc. Pfhaw, pfhaw, ftay where you are; my Friends hurt no Body without my Leave.

SONG in the Character of PLUTU S.

Away with the Fables Philofophers hold, < Of Pleasure that Honefty gains without Gold: To be rich is the Bleffings of Life to secure; And the Man must be certainly wretched that's poor. < The Virtue that claims all the Gods for its Friends, On Gold, mighty Gold, for Existence depends: What Wrongs, without Gold, can a Mortal redrefs? 'Or who, without Gold, can get Bleffings, or blefs? 'The Weak can you fuccour, the Worthy reward, If Money be wanting, the Gift and the Guard? "In Gold there is Strength which no Foe can withstand; • It conquers and triumphs, by Sea and by Land.

• In Gold there are Charms; for the Youth and the Fair, Sigh one for an Heiress, and one for an Heir.

There's Senfe for each Circle that liftens demure,

• Consents with a Grin, and cries "Yes to be fure!" To be rich, if you truft your own Ears and your Eyes, Is at once to be strong, to be fair, to be wife.'

Phad. There's for you now- what have you to fay to that? Merc. Why, Wit fhall reply for me; and, to mortify you the more, it shall be in the Character of a Woman.

Phad.