Merc. Then to begin our better Acquaintance, let me first make you a fmall Prefent of this Box o' th' Ear

[Strikes him. Sof. If I were as cholerick a Fool as you are now, here would be fine Work betwixt us two! but I am a little better bred, than to disturb the sleeping Neighbourhood; and fo goodNight, Friend [Going.

Merc. [Stopping him] Hold, Sir; you and I must not part fo eafily. Once more, whither are you going?

Sof. Why I am going as faft as I can, to get out of the reach of your Clutches. Let me but only knock at that Door there. Merc. What Business have you at that Door, Sirrah?

Sof. This is our Houfe; and when I'm got in, I'll tell you

more.

Merc. Whofe Houfe is this, Saucinefs, that you are so familiar with, to call it ours?

Sof. 'Tis mine, in the firft Place; and next, my Master's; for I lie in the Garret, and he lies under me.

Merc. Have your Mafter and you no Names, Sirrah?
Sof. His Name is Amphitryon-hear that and tremble!
Merc. What, my Lord General ?

Sof. O, has his Name mollify'd you! I have brought you down a Peg lower already, Friend.

Merc. And your Name is

Sof. Lord, Friend, you are fo very troublesome,what should my Name be but Sofia?

Merc. How, Sofia, fay you? How long have you taken up that Name, Sirrah?

Sof. Here's a fine Question! Why I never took it up, Friend;

it was born with me.

Merc. What was your Name born Sofia? Take this Remembrance for that Lye. [Beats him. Sof. Hold, Friend, you are fo very flippant with your Hands, you won't hear Reafon: What Offence has my Name done you, that you should beat me for it? S. O. S. I. A. they are as civil, honeft, harmless Letters, as any are in the whole Alphabet.

Merc. I have no Quarrel to the Name, but that 'tis e'en too good for and 'tis none of yours. you, Sof. What am not I Sofia, fay you?

Merc. No.

Sof. I fhould think you are somewhat merrily difpofed, if you had not beaten me in fuch fober Sadnefs. You would perfuade me out of my Heathen Name, would you?

Merc. Say you are Sofia again at your Peril, Sirrah.

Sof. I dare fay nothing; but Thought is free-But whatever I am call'd, I am Amphitryon's Man, and the first Letter of my Name

C 2

Name is S too. You had beft tell me that my Master did not fend me home to my Lady, with News of his Victory? Merc. I fay he did not.

Sof. Lord, Lord, Friend, one of us two is horribly given to Lying!--but I do not fay which of us, to avoid Contention. Merc. I fay my Name is Sofia, and yours is not.

Sof. I would you could make good your Words; for then I fhould not be beaten, and you fhould.

Merc. I find you would be Sofia, if you durst-but if I catch you thinking fo

Sof. I hope I may think I was Sofia: and I can find no difference between my former Self, and my prefent Self; but that I was plain Sofia before, and now I am lac'd Sofia..

Merc. Take this, for being fo impudent to think fo.

[Beats him. Sof. [Kneeling] Truce a little, I befeech thee! I would be a Stock or a Stone now by my good Will, and would not think at all, for Self-prefervation. But will you give me leave to argue the Matter fairly with you? And promife me to depofe that Cudgel, if I can prove myself to be that Man that I was before I was beaten ?

Merc. Well, proceed in Safety; I promife you I will not beat you.

Sof. In the firft place then, is not this Town call'd. Thebes?
Merc. Undoubtedly.

Sof. And is not this House Amphitryon's?

Merc. Who denies it?

Sof. I thought you would have deny'd that too; for all hang upon a String. Remember then, that thofe two preliminary Articles are already granted. In the next place, did not the aforefaid Amphitryon beat the Teleboans, kill their King Pterelas, and fend a certain Servant, meaning fome Body that for Sakefake fhall be name lefs, with News of his Victory, and of his Refolution to return To-morrow?

Merc. This is all true, to a very tittle: but who is that certain Servant? there's all the Question.

Sof. Is it Peace or War betwixt us?

Merc. Peace.

Sof. I dare not wholly truft that abominable Cudgel-but 'tis a certain Friend of yours and mine, that had a certain Name before he was beaten out of it. But if you are a Man that depend not altogether upon Force and Brutality, but somewhat alfo upon Reason, now do you bring better Proofs that you are that fame certain Man; and in order to it, anfwer me to certain Questions.

Merc. I fay I am Sofia, Amphitryon's Man: what Reason have you to urge against it?

Sof.

Sof. What was your Father's Name?

Merc. Davus; who was an honest Husbandman, whofe Sifter's Name was Harpage, that was marry'd and died in a Foreign Country.

Sof. So far you are right, I must confefs; and your Wife's Name is

Merc. Bromia-a devilifh Shrew of her Tongue, and a Vixen of her Hands, that leads me a miferable LifeSof. By many a forrowful Token.

This must be IMerc. I was once taken upon Sufpicion of Burglary, and was whipt thro' Thebes, and branded for my Pains.

Sof. Right Me again-But if you are I, as I begin to suspect, that Whipping and Branding might have been paft over in Silence, for both our Credits :-And yet, now I think on't, if I am I, (as I am I) he cannot be I. All these Circunftances he might have heard; but I will now interrogate him upon fome private Paffages. [Afide]--What was Amphitryon's Share of the Booty?

Merc. A Buckle of Diamonds, confifting of five large Stones, which was worn as an Ornament by Pterelas.

Sof. What does he intend to do with it?

Merc. To prefent it to his Wife Alcmena.
Sof. And where is it now?

Merc. In a Cafe, feal'd with my Mafter's Coat of Arms. Sof. This is prodigious, I confefs !-but ye: 'tis nothing now I think on't, for fome falfe Brother may have reveal'd it to him. [Afide]-But I have another Question to ask you, of somewhat that pafs'd only betwixt myself and me: if you are Sofia, what were you doing in the Heat of Battle?

Merc. What a wife Man fhould, that has a Refpect for his own Perfon. I ran into our Tent, and hid myself amongst the Baggage.

Sof. [Afide] Such another cutting Anfwer, and I must provide myfelf of another Name. [To him] And how did you pass your Time in that fame Tent ?-You need not answer to every Circumftance fo exactly now; you must lye a little, that I may you the more Me.

think

Merc. That Cunning fhall not ferve your Turn, to circumvent me out of my Name: I am for plain naked TruthThere ftood a Hogfhead of old Wine, which my Lord reserv'd for his own Drinking

Sof. [Afide] O the Devil! As fure as Death, he must have hid himfelf in that Hogshead, or he could never have known that! Merc. And by that Hogfhead, upon the Ground there lay the kind Inviter and Provoker of good Drinking

Sf. Nay, now I have caught you there was neither Inviter, nor Provoker, for I was all alone.

Merc.

Merc. A lufty Gammon of

-but let me

Sof. [Sighing] Bacon !-that Word has quite made an End of me-Let me fee-this must be I, in fpite of meview him nearer. [Walks about Mercury with his dark Lanthorn. Merc. What are you walking about me for, with your dark Lanthorn?

Sof. No harm, Friend-I am only furveying a Parcel of Earth here, that I find we two are about to bargain for.-[Afide] He's damnable like me, that's certain. Imprimis, there's the Patch upon my Nofe, with a Pox to him-Item, A very foolish Face with a long Chin at the End on't-Item, One Pair of shambling Legs, with two fplay Feet belonging to them. And-fumma totalis, from Head to Foot all my bodily Apparel-[To Mercury] Well, you are Sofia; there's no denying it: But what am I then? for my Mind gives me, I am fome Body ftill, if I knew but who I were.

Merc. When I have a mind to be Sofia no more, then thou may'ft be Sofia again.

Sof. I have but one Request more to thee-that, tho' not as Sofia, yet as a Stranger, I may go into that House, and carry a civil Meffage to my Lady.

Merc. No, Sirrah; not being Sofia, you have no Meffage to deliver, nor Lady in this Houfe.

Sof. Thou canst not be fo barbarous, to let me lie in the Streets all Night, after fuch a Journey, and fuch a Beatingand therefore I am refolv'd to knock at the Door in my own Defence.

Merc. If you come near the Door, I recal my Word, and break off the Truce--and then expect

[Holds up his Cudgel. Sof. No, the Devil take me if I do expect I have felt too well what four Fruit that Crab-tree bears: I'll rather beat it back upon the Hoof to my Lord Amphitryon, to fee if he will acknowledge me for Sofia: If he does not, then I am no longer his Slave; there's my Freedom dearly purchas'd with a fore Drubbing: If he does acknowledge me, then I am Sofia again; fo far 'tis tolerably well: But then I fhall have a fecond Drubbing for an unfortunate Ambaffador as I am; intolerable.

Mercury alone.

and that's [Exit Sofia.

I have fobb'd off his Excellency pretty well. Now let him return, and make the best of his Credentials. But here comes Jupiter.

SCENE

Enter Jupiter leading Alcmena, follow'd by Phædra. Pages with Torches before them.

Jup. Thofe Torches are offenfive; Stand aloof:

For, tho' they blefs me with thy heav'nly Sight,
They may disclose the Secret I would hide:
The Thebans must not know I have heen here;
Detracting Crouds would blame me that I stole
Thefe happy Moments from my publick Charge,
To confecrate to thee; and I could wish
That none were witness of the Theft, but the
By whom it is approv'd-

[To the Pages.

Alc. So long an Abfence, and so short a Stay!
What, but one Night! One Night of Joy and Love,
Could only pay one Night of Cares and Fears;
And all the reft are an uncancell❜d Sum !
Jup. Alcmena, I must go.

Alc. Not yet, my Lord. fup. Indeed I must.

Alc. Indeed fhall not go.

you

Jup. Behold the ruddy Streaks o'er yonder Hill!
Thofe are the Blushes of the breaking Morn,
That kindle Day-light to this nether World.
Ale. No matter for the Day, it was but made
To number out the Hours of bufy Men.
Let 'em be bufy ftill, and ftill be wretched;
And take their fill of anxious drudging Day:
But you and I will draw our Curtains clofe,
Extinguish Day-light, and fhut out the Sun.

Stay then, my Lord-I'll bribe you with this Kifs.

[To her.

Merc. [Afide] That's a plaguy little Devil; what a roguish Eye fhe has! I begin to like her ftrangely: fhe's the Perquifite of my Place too; for my Lady's Waitingwoman is the proper Fees of my Lord's chief Gentleman.

Jup. A Bribe indeed that foon will bring me back, Though now it is not poffible to stay.

Alc. Not poffible! Alas, how fhort is Life

If we compute alone thofe happy Hours

In which we wish to live! Our fev'nty Years
Are fill'd with Pains, Diseases, Wants and Woes,
And only dafh'd with Love; a little Love!
Sprinkled by Fits, and with a fparing Hand.
Count all our Joys from Childhood ev'n to Age,

They