Enter CROAKER, with the Letter in his Hand,

and Mrs. CROAKER.

Mrs. CROAKER.

Ha ha ha! And fo, my dear, it's your fupreme with that I should be quite wretched upon this occafion? ha! ha!

CROAKER, mimicking.

Ha ha ha! And fo, my dear, it's your fupreme pleasure to give me no better confolation? Mrs. CROAKER.

Pofitively, my dear; what is this incendiary ftuff and trumpery to me? our house may travel through the air like the houfe of Loretto, for aught I care, if I'm to be miferable in it.

CROAKER.

Would to heaven it were converted into an houfe of correction for your benefit. Have we not every thing to alarm us? Perhaps, this very moment the tragedy is beginning.

Mrs. CROAKER.

Then let us referve our diftrefs till the rifing of the curtain, or give them the money they want, and have done with them.

CROAKER.

Give them my money!-And pray, what right have they to my money?

Mrs. CROAKER.

And pray, what right then have you to my good

humour ?

CROAKER.

CROAKER.

95

And so your good humour advises me to part with my money? Why then, to tell your good humour a piece of my mind, I'd fooner part with my wife. Here's Mr. Honeywood, fee what he'll fay to it. My dear Honeywood, look at this incendiary letter dropped at my door. It will freeze you with terror; and yet lovey here can read it-can read it, and laugh.

Mrs. CROAKER.

Yes, and fo will Mr. Honeywood.

CROAKER.

If he does, I'll fuffer to be hanged the next minute in the rogue's place, that's all.

Mrs. CROAKER.

Speak, Mr. Honeywood; is there any thing more foolish than my husband's fright upon this occafion?

HONEYWOOD.

It would not become me to decide, madam; but doubtlefs, the greatness of his terrors, now, will but invite them to renew their villainy another time. Mrs. CROAKER.

I told you, he'd be of my opinion.

CROAKER.

How, Sir! do you maintain that I should lie down under fuch an injury, and fhew, neither by my tears, or complaints, that I have something of the spirit of a man in me ?

Ho

HONEYWOOD.

Pardon me, Sir. You ought to make the loudest complaints, if you defire redrefs. The fureft way to have redrefs, is to be earneft in the purfuit of

it.

CROAKER.

Aye, whofe opinion is he of now?

Mrs. CROAKER.

But don't you think that laughing off our fears is the best way!

HONEYWOOD.

What is the beft, madam, few can say? but I'll maintain it to be a very wife way.

CROAKER.

But we're talking of the best. Surely the best way is to face the enemy in the field, and not wait till he plunders us in our very bed-chamber.

HONEYWOOD.

Why, Sir, as to the best, that-that's a very wife way too.

Mrs. CROAKER.

But can any thing be more abfurd, than to double our diftreffes by our apprehenfions, and put it in the power of every low fellow, that can fcrawl ten words of wretched fpelling, to torment us? HONEYWOOD.

Without doubt, nothing more abfurd.

CROAKER.

How! would it not be more abfurd to despise the

rattle till we are bit by the fnake ?

Ho

Heavens forbid, madam! No, fure, no reasoning can be more just than yours. We ought certainly to defpife malice if we cannot oppofe it, and not make the incendiary's pen as fatal to our repofe as the highwayman's pistol.

Mrs. CROAKER.

O! then you think I'm quite right?

Perfectly right.

HONEYWOOD.

CROAKER.

A plague of plagues, we can't be both right. I ought to be forry, or I ought to be glad. My hat must be on my head, or my hat must be off.

Mrs. CROAKER.

Certainly, in two oppofite opinions, if one be perfectly reafonable, the other can't be perfectly right.

HONEYWOOD.

and you in

And why may not both be right, madam? Mr. Croaker in earnestly feeking redress, waiting the event with good humour? H

VOL. II.

Pray let me

fee

fee the letter again. I have it. This letter requires twenty guineas to be left at the bar of the Talbot inn. If it be indeed an incendiary letter, what if you and I, Sir, go there; and, when the writer comes to be paid his expected booty, feize

him?

CROAKER.

My dear friend, it's the very thing; the very thing. While I walk by the door, you shall plant yourself in ambush near the bar; burst out upon the miscreant like a masqued battery; extort a confeffion at once, and fo hang him up by furprise.

HONEYWOOD.

Yes; but I would not chufe to exercise too much feverity. It is my maxim, Sir, that crimes generally punish themselves.

CROAKER.

Well, but we may upbraid him a little, I fup

pofe?

HONEYWOOD.

Aye, but not punish him too rigidly.

CROAKER.

[Ironically.

Well, well, leave that to my own benevolence.

HONEYWOOD.

Well, I do but remember that univerfal bene

:

volence is the firft law of nature.

[Exeunt Honeywood and Mrs. Croaker. CROAKER.

Yes; and my univerfal benevolence will hang the dog, if he had as many necks as a hydra.

ACT