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Pro. What seest thou ?
Laun. Him we go to find : there's not a hair on's head, but 'tis a Valentine.
Pro. Valentine ?
word. Val. My ears are stopp’d, and cannot hear good
news, So much of bad already hath possess'd them.
Pro. Then in dumb silence will I bury mine,
Val. Is Silvia dead?
Val. No Valentine, indeed, for sacred Silvia ! Hath she forsworn ine?
Pro. No, Valentine.
Val. No, Valentine, if Silvia have forsworn me! -What is your news? Laun. Sir, there's a proclamation that you are
vanish'd. Pro. That thou art banish'd, O, that's the news; Fyom hence, from Silvia, and from me thy friend.
Val. O, I have fed upon this woe already, And now excess of it will make me surfeit. Doth Silvia know that I am banish'd ?
Pro. Ay, ay; and she hath offer'd to the doom (Which, unrevers’d, stands in effectual force) A sea of melting pearl, which some call tears : Those at her father's churlish feet she tender'd;
With them, upon her knees, her humble self; Wringing her hands, whose whiteness so became
Pro. Cease to lament for that thou canst not help,
Val. I pray thee, Launce, an if thou seest my boy, Bid him make haste, and meet me at the north-gate.
Pro. Go, sirrah, find him out. Come, Valentine.
(Exeunt Valentine and Proteus. Laun. I am but a fool, look you; and yet I have the wit to think, my master is a kind of knave : but that's all one, if he be but one knave. He lives not now, that knows me to be in love; yet I am in love; but a team of horses shall not pluck that from me; nor who 'tis I love, and yet 'tis a woman: but what woman, I will not tell myself; and yet ’tis a milk-maid : yet ’tis not a maid, for she hath had gossips : yet 'tis a maid, for she is her master's maid, and serves for wages. She hath more qualities than a water-spaniel, which is much in a bare Christian. Here is the cat-log [pulling out a paper) of her conditions. Imprimus, She can fetch and carry. Why, a horse can do no more; nay, a horse cannot fetch, but only carry; therefore, is she better than a jade. Item, She can milk; look you, a sweet virtue in a maid with clean hands.
Enter Speed. Speed. How now, Signor Launce, what news with your mastership?
Laun. With my master's ship? why, it is at sea.
Speed. Well, your old vice still; mistake the word: what news then in your paper ?
Laun. The blackest news that ever thou heard'st.
Laun. Fie on thee, jolt-head ; thou canst not read.
Speed. Thou liest, I can.
Laun. I will try thee: tell me this: who begot thee?
Speed. Marry, the son of my grandfather.
Laun. O illiterate loiterer! it was the son of thy grandmother: this proves, that thou canst not read.
Speed. Come, fool, come : try me in thy paper.
* St. Nicholas presided over young scholars.
speed. Close at the is not to
Laun. And thereof comes the proverb -Blessing of your heart, you brew good ale.
Speed. Item, She can sew.
Laun. What need a man care for a stock with a wench, when she can knit him a stock?
Speed. Item, She can wash and scour.
Laun. A special virtue ; for then she need not be washed and scoured.
Speed. Item, She can spin.
Laun. Then may I set the world on wheels, when she can spin for her living,
Speed. Item, She hath many nameless virtues.
Laun. That's as much as to say, bastard virtues; that, indeed, know not their fathers, and therefore have no names.
Speed. Here follow her vices.
Speed. Item, She is not to be kiss'd fasting, in respect of her breath.
Laun. Well, that fault may be mended with a breakfast: read on.
Speed. Item, She hath a sweet mouth.
Laun. It's no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk.
Speed. Item, She is slow in words.
Laun. O villain, that set this down among her vices! To be slow in words, is a woman's only virtue: I pray thee, out with't; and place it for her chief virtue.
Speed. Item, She is proud.
Laun. Out with that too; it was Eve's legacy, and cannot be ta’en from her.
Speed. Item, She hath no teeth.
Laun. I care not for that neither, because I love crusts. Speed. Item, She is curst.
Laun. Well; the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.
Speed. Item, She will often praise her liquor.
Laun. If her liquor be good, she shall : if she will not, I will; for good things should be praised.
Speed. Item, She is too liberal *.
Laun. Of her tongue she cannot; for that's writ down she is slow of: of her purse she shall not ; for that I'll keep shut: now, of another thing she may; and that I cannot help. Well, proceed.
Speed. Item, She hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults.
Laun. Stop there; I'll have her : she was mine, and not mine, twice or thrice in that last article: rehearse that once more.
Speed. Item, She hath more hair than wit,
Laun. More hair than wit,-it may be; I'll prove it: the cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it is more than the salt; the hair that covers the wit is more than the wit; for the greater hides the less. What's next? • Speed. And more faults than hairs,
Laun. That's monstrous : 0, that that were out!
Laun. Why, that word makes the faults gracious t : well, I'll have her : and if it be a match, as nothing is impossible,
Speed. What then?
Laun. Why, then will I tell thee, that thy master stays for thee at the north gate.
Speed. For me?
Laun. For thee? ay; who art thou ? he hath staid for a better man than thee.
Speed. And must I go to him?
Laun. Thou must run to him, for thou hast staid so long, that going will scarce serve the turn.
Speed. Why didst not tell me sooner ? 'pox of your love-letters !
(Exit. Laun. Now will he be swinged for reading my
* Licentious in language. + Graceful.