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Much less could his declining age
How would it be esteem'd and read, Vanessa's earliest thonghits engage;
Although the writer long were dead! And if her youth indifference met,
If such an author were alive, His person must contempt beget:
How all would for his friendship strive, Or, grant her passion be sincere,
And come in crowds to see his face! How shall his innocence be clear?
And this she takes to be her case. Appearances were all so strong,
Cadenus answers every end, The world must think him in the wrong;!
The book, the author, and the friend; Would say, he made a treacherous use
The utmost her desires will reach, Of wit, to flatter and seduce:
Is but to learn what he can teach: The town would swear he had betray'd
His converse is a system fit By magic spells the harmless maid :
Alone to fill up all her wit; And every beau would have his jokes,
While every passion of her mind That scholars were like other folks;
In himn is center'd and confin d. And when Platonic Aights were over,
Love can with speech inspire a mute, The tutor turn'd a mortal lover!
And taught Vanessa to dispute. So tender of the young and fair!
This topic, never touchi'd before, It show'd a true paternal care
Display'd ber eloquence the more: Five thousand guineas in her purse !
Her knowledge, with such pains acquir'd, The doctor might have fancy'd worse.
By this new passion grew inspir’d; Hardly at length he silence broke,
Through this she made all objects pass, And faulter'd every word he spoke;
Which gave a tincture o'er the mass; Interpreting her complaisance,
As rivers though they bend and twine, Just as a mani sans consequence.
Still to their sea their course incline; She raillied well, he always knew :
Or, as philosophers, who find Her manner now was something new;
Some favourite system to their mind, And what she spoke was in an air
In every point to make it fit, As serious as a tragic player.
Will force all nature to submit. But those who aim at ridicule
Cadenus, who could ne'er suspect Should fix upon some certain rule,
His lessons would have such effect, Which fairly hints they are in jest,
Or be so artfully apply'd, Else he must enter his protest :
Insensibly came on her side. For, let a man be ne'er so wise,
It was an unforeseen event; He may be caught with sober lies;
Things took a turn he never meant. A science which he never taught,
Whoe'er excels in what we prize, And, to be free, was dearly bought;
Appears a hero in our eyes : For, take it in its proper light,
Each girl, when pleas'd with what is taught, 'Tis just what coxcombs call a bite.
Will have the teacher in her thought; But, not to dwell on things minute,
When Miss delights in her spinet, Vanessa finish'd the dispute,
A fiddler may a fortune get; Brought weighty arguments to prove
A blockhead, with melodious voice, That reason was her guide in love.
In boarding-schools may have his choice; She thought he had himself describid,
And oft the dancing-master's art His doctrines when she first imbib'd:
Climbs froni the toe to touch the heart; What he had planted now was grown;
In learning let a nymph delight, His virtues she might call her own;
The pedant gets a mistress by 't. As he approves, as he dislikes,
Cadenus, to his grief and shame, Love or contempt her fancy strikes.
Could scarce oppose Vanessa's flame; Self-love, in nature rooted fast,
And, though her arguments were strong, Attends us first, and leaves us last :
At least could hardly wish them wrong. Why she likes him, admire not at her;
Howe'er it came, he could not tell, She loves herself, and that's the matter,
But sure she never talk'd so well. How was her tutor wont to praise
His pride began to interpose ; The geniuses of ancient days !
Preferr'd before a crowd of beaux! (Those authors he so oft' had nam’d,
So bright a nymph to come unsought! For learning, wit, and wisdom famid)
Such wonder by his merit wrought ! Was struck with love, esteem, and awe,
"Tis merit inust with her prevail ! For persons whom he never saw.
He never knew her judgment fail ! Suppose Cadenus flourish'd then,
She noted all she ever read! He must adore such godlike men.
And had a most discerning head! If one short volume could comprise
'Tis an old maxim in the schools, All that was witty, learn'd, and wise,
That fattery's the food of fools ;
Or whether he at lasts descends Yet now and then your men of wit
To act with less seraphic ends; Will condscend to take a bit.
Or, to compound the business, whether So, when Cadenus could not hide,
They temper love and books together; He chose to justify, his pride;
Must never to mankind be told, Construing the passion she had shown,
"Nor shall the conscious Muse unfold. Much to her praise, more to his own.
Meantime the mournful Queen of Love Nature in him had merit plac'd,
Led but a weary life above.
She ventures now to leave the skies,
Grown by Vanessa's conduct wise : So long attending at the gate,
For, though by one perverse event, Disdain'd to enter in so late.
Pallas had cross'd her first intent; Love why do we one passion call,
Though her design was not obtain'd;
Yet had she much experience gain'd,
Could better now the cause decide.
due notice that both parties, Sorrow with jcy, and hope with fear;
Coram Regina, pror' die Martis, Wherein his dignity and age
Should at their peril, without fail, Forbid Cadenus to engage.
Come and appear, and save their bail. But friendship, in its greatest height,
All met; and, silence thrice proclaim’d, A constant, rational delight,
One lawyer to each side was nam'd. On virtue's basis fix'd to last,
The judge discover'd in her face When love allurements long are past;
Resentments for her late disgrace; Which gently warms, but cannot burn;
And, full of anger, shame, and grief, He gladly offers in return;
Directed them to mind their brief, His want of passion will redeem
Nor spend their time to show their reading; With gratitude, respect, esteem ;
She'd have a summary proceeding. With that devotion we bestow,
She gather'd under every head When goddesses appear below.
The sum of what each lawyer said, While thus Cadenus entertains
Gave her own reasons last, and then Vanessa in exalted strains,
Decreed the cause against the men, The nymph in sober words entreats
But, in a weighty case like this, A truce with all sublime conceits :
To show she did not judge amiss, For why such raptures, flights, and fancies,
Which evil tongues might else report, To her who durst not read romances ?
She made a speech in open court; In lofty style to make replies,
Wherein she grievously complains, Which he had taught her to despise ?
“ How she was cheated by the swains;" But when her tutor will affect
On whose petition (humbly showing, Devotion, duty, and respect,
That women were not worth the wooing, He fairly abdicates the throne;
And that, unless the sex would mend, The government is now her own;
The race of lovers soon must end) He has a forfeiture incurrid;
She was at Lord knows what expense She vows to take him at his word,
To form a nymph of wit and sense, And hopes he will not think it strange,
A model for her sex design'd, If both should now their stations change.
Who never could one lover find. The nymyh will have her turn to be
She saw her favour was misplac'd; The tutor; and the pupil, he:
The fellow's had a wretched taste; Though she already can discern
She needs must tell them to their face, Her scholar is not apt to learn;
They were a stupid, senseless race ; Or wants capacity to reach
And, were she to begin again, The science she designs to teach :
She'd study to reform the men; Wherein his genius was below
Or add some grains of folly more The skill of every common beau,
To women, than they had before, Who, though he cannot spell, is wise
To put them on an equal foot ; Enough to read a lady's eyes,
And this, or nothing else, would do 't. And will each accidental glance
This might their mutual fancy strike,
Since every being loves its like.
“ But now, repenting what was done,
She left all business to her son ; Is to the world a secret yet.
She puts the world in his possession, Whether the nymph, to please her swain,
And let him use it at discretion." Talks in a high romantic strain ;
The cryer was order'd to dismiss
Begin, my Muse. First from our bowers The court, so made his last yes!
We sally forth at different hours; The goddess would no longer wait;
At seven the Dean in night-gown drest, But, rising from her chair of state,
Goes round the house to wake the rest; Left all below at six and seven,
At nine, grave Nim, and George facetious,
Go to the Dean, to read Lucretius;
And kisses George, and ends our lectures ;
And when she has him by the neck fast,
We squander there an hour or more,
And then all hands, boys, to the oar ;
All, heteroclite Dan except,
Who neither time nor order kept,
But, by peculiar whimsies drawn,
Peeps in the ponds to look for spawn; His heirs might well, of all his wealth possess'd,
O'ersees the work, or Dragon rows, Bestow to bury him one iron chest.
Or mars a text, or mends his hose; Plutus the god of wealth will joy to know
Or- but proceed we in our journalHis faithful steward in the shades below.
At two, or after, we return all : He walk'd the streets, and wore a threadbare cloak;
From the four elements ascending, He din'd and supp'd at charge of other folk:
Warn'd by the bell, all folks come trembling: And by his looks, had he held out his palms,
From airy garrets some descend, He might be thought an object fit for alms.
Some from the lake's remotest end; So, to the poor, if he refus'd his pelf,
My Lord and Dean the fire forsake; He us'd them full as kindly as himself.
Dan leaves the earthly spade and rake: Where'er he went, he never saw his betters;
The loiterers quake, no corner hides them, Lords, knights, and squires, were all his humble
And Lady Betty soundly chides them. And under hand and seal the Irish nation [debtors;
Now water's brought, and dinner's done : Were forc'd to own to him their obligation.
With “ Church and King” the lady's gone; He that could once have half a kingdom bought,
(Not reckoning half an hour we pass In half a minute is not worth a groat.
In talking o'er a moderate glass). His coffers from the coffin could not save,
Dan, growing drowsy, like a thief Nor all his interest kept him from the grave.
Steals off to dose away his beef; A golden monument would not be right,
And this must pass for reading Hammond, Because we wish the earth upon him light.
While George and Dean go to backgammon. Oh London tavern! thou hast lost a friend,
George, Nim, and Dean, set out at four, Though in thy walls he ne'er did farthing spend:
And then again, boys, to the oar. He touch'd the pence, when others touch'd the pot;
But when the sun goes to the deep, The hand that sign’d the mortgage paid the shot.
(Not to disturb him in luis sleep, Old as he was, no vulgar known disease
Or make a rumbling o'er his head, On him could ever boast a power to seize;
His candle out and he a-bed) “ But, as he weigh'd his gold, grim Death in spite
We watch his motions to a minute, Cast in his dart, which made three moidores light;
And leave the flood when he goes in it.
Now stinted in the shortening day,
'Tis late--the old and younger pairs,
We go to prayers, and then to play,
By Adam lighted, walk up stairs.
I might have mention”d several facts,
Thalia, tell in sober lays,
How in the lake the Dean was drench'd:
you were bred.
It would be an exploit to brag on,
MARY THE COOK-MAID'S LETTER TO How valiant George rode o'er the Dragon;
DR. SHERIDAN. 1723. How steady in the storm he sat,
Well, if ever I saw such another man since my And saved his oar, but lost his hat:
mother bound my head ! How Nim (no hunter e'er could match him) Still brings us hares when he can catch them: You a gentleman! marry come up! I wonder where How skilfully Dan mends his nets;
I'm sure such words do not become a man of your How fortune fails him when he sets:
cloth; Or how the Dean delights to vex The ladies, and lampoon their sex.
I would not give such language to a dog, faith and
troth. I might have told how oft Dean Percivale Displays his pedantry unmerciful ;
Yes, you call'd my master a knave: fie, Mr. She
ridan! 'tis a shame How haughtily he cocks his nose, To tell what every school-boy knows;
For'a parson, who should know better things, to
coine out with such a name. And with his finger and his thumb, Explaining, strikes opposers dumb:
Knave in your teeth, Mr. Sheridan! 'tis both a
shame and a sin; But now there needs no more be said on't, Nor how his wife, that female pedant,
And the Dean, my master, is an honester man than Shows all her secrets of house-keeping ;
you and all your kin: For candles how she trucks her dripping;
He has more goodness in his little finger, than you Was forc'd to send three miles for yeast,
have in your whole body: To brew her ale, and raise her paste;
My master is a parsonable man, and not a spindleTells every thing that you can think of,
shank'd hoddy-doddy. How she cur'd Charley of the chincough ;
And now, whereby I find you would fain make an What
[goose; gave her brats and pigs the measles, And how her dores were kill'd by weasels :
Because my master one day, in anger, call'd you How Jowler howl'd, and what a fright
Which, and I am sure I have been his servant four She had with dreams the other night.
years since October, But now, since I have gone so far on,
And he never called me worse than sweet-heart A word or two of Lord Chief Baron;
drunk or sober: And tell how little weight he sets
Not that I know his reverence was ever concern'd On all Whig papers and Gazettes;
to my knowledge, But for the politics of Pue,
Though you and your come-rogues keep him out so Thinks every syllable is true.
late in your college. And since he owns the King of Sweden
You say you will eat grass on his grave: a chrisIs dead at last, without evading,
tian eat grass ! Now all his hopes are in the Czar:
Whereby you now confess yourself to be a goose Why, Mu-covy is not so far: Down the Black Sea, and up the Streights,
But that's as much as to say, that my master should And in a month he's at your gates ;
die before ye; Perhaps, from what the packet brings,
Well, well, that 's as God pleases; and I don't By Christmas we shall see strange things.”
believe that 's a true story: Why should I tell of ponds and drains,
And so say I told you so, and you may go tell my What carps we met with for our pains ;
master; wliat care 1? Of sparrows tame, and nuts innumerable
And I don't care who knows it; 'tis all one to Mary. To choke the girls, and to consume a rabble ? Every body knows that I love to tell truth and But you, who are a scholar, know
shame the devil; How transient all things are below,
I am but a poor servant; but I think gentle folks How prone to change is human life!
should be civil. Last night arriv'd Clem and his wife
Besides, you found fault with our victuals one day This grand event hath broke our measures ;
that you was here: Their reign began with cruel seizures:
I remember it was on a Tuesday of all days in the The Dean must with his quilt supply
year. The bed in which those tyrants lie:
And Saunders the man says you are always jesting Nim lost his wig-block, Dan bis jordan
and mocking: (My lady says she can't afford one):
Mary, said he, (one day as I was mending my George is half-scar'd out of his wits,
master's stocking) For Clem gets all the dainty bits,
My master is so fond of that minister that keeps the Henceforth expect a different survey,
schoolThis house will soon turn topsy-turvy:
I thought my master a wise man, but that man They talk of further alterations,
makes him a fool. Which causes many speculations.
Saunders, said I, I would rather than a quart of ale
or an ass:
He would come into our kitchen, and I would pin And but neglects to warm her hair lace, a dish-clout to his tail.
She gets a cold as sure as death, And now I must go, and get Saunders to direct And vows she scarce can fetch her breath; this letter;
Admires how modest women can For I write but a sad scrawl; but my sister Marget, Be so robustious, like a man. she writes better.
In party, furious to her power; Well, but I must run and make the bed, before my A bitter Whig, or Tory sour; master comes from prayers;
Her arguments directly tend And see now, it strikes ten, and I hear him coming Against the side she would defend; up stairs;
Will prove herself a Tory plain, Whereof I could say more to your verses, if I could From principles the Whigs maintain ; write written hand:
And to defend the Whiggish cause, And so I remain, in a civil way, your servant to Her topics from the Tories draws. command,
O yes! if any man can find
Let them be sent to Mrs. Harding;
She'll pay the charges to a farthing; THE FURNITURE OF A WOMAN'S MIND.
Take notice, she has my commission 1727.
To add them in the next edition ; A set of phrases learnt by rote ;
They may out-sell a better thing:
So, halloo, boys; God save the king!
ON CUTTING DOWN THE OLD THORN While all she prates has nothing in it;
AT MARKET-HILL. Whole hours can with a coxcomb sit,
At Market-hill, as well appears, And take his nonsense all for wit;
By chronicle of ancient date, Her learning mounts to read a song,
There stood for many hundred years
A spacious thorn before the gate.
Hither came every village maid,
And on the boughs her garland hung; On all occasions, cut and dry;
And here, beneath the spreading shade,
Secure from satyrs sat and sung.
Sir Archibald, that valorous knight,
The lord of all the fruitful plain, And, placing raillery in railing,
Would come and listen with delight; Will tell aloud your greatest failing ;
For he was fond of rural strain. Nor make a scruple to expose
(Sir Archibald, whose favourite name Your bandy leg, or crooked nose;
Shall stand for ages on record, Can at her morning tea run o'er
By Scottish bards of highest fame,
Wise Hawthornden and Stirling's lord.)
But time with iron teeth, I ween,
Has canker'd all its branches round; Knows to a groat the lowest price;
No fruit or blossom to be seen,
Its head reclining towards the ground.
This aged, sickly, sapless thorn,
Which must, alas! no longer stand, If chance a mouse creeps in her sight,
Behold the cruel Dean in scorn Can finely counterfeit a fright;
Cuts down with sacrilegious hand. So sweetly screams, if it comes near her,
Dame Nature, when she saw the blow, She ravishes all hearts to hear her.
Astonishid, gave a dreadful shriek; Can dextrously her husband teaze,
And mother Tellus trembled so,
She scarce recover'd in a week.
The sylvan powers, with fear perplex'd,
In prudence and compassion, sent At once creating love and pity.
(For none could tell whose turn was next) If Molly happens to be careless
Sad omens of the dire event.