was suddenly seized with panic and rushed back to his room oppressed by an overpowering sense of guilt. Mixed with the feeling of fear and guilt there was also a tinge of resentment, as though his father had thwarted him. A few days later he experienced 'a feeling of being out of place as though he had no right there and would be cast out.' He began to fancy that no one loved him, and had repeatedly to be reassured and petted by his mother, who detected him crying. One Sunday evening while, according to custom, preaching to his sister, he 'fainted.' 'The room seemed to get dark and the darkness seemed to take shape like a big threatening cloud.'

The words he had spoken just prior to fainting were, "if your eyes have been used to look at sin they will never be able to see God."

B.'s health now became bad and he had difficulty in seeing what was written on the black-board at school. For a time he managed to hide this, but eventually the master detected it and said to him, "there is something wrong with you." These words greatly frightened B. for they seemed to confirm the thought he had had regarding the difference between himself and his sister. That there was something wrong with him was exactly what he secretly fancied. It now seemed to him that he was exposed before others and he felt guilty and ashamed as well as afraid. He was now withdrawn from school for a time and though examination of his eyes showed no appreciable defect spectacles were provided. B. felt very much ashamed of himself and considered that the wearing of spectacles branded him. The time of this occurrence can be accurately determined as just before his ninth birthday. At this time also the separation of B. from his sister was effected.

When he returned to school B. set himself seriously to work. Previously, though intelligent and even somewhat precocious, he had not made any effort to get on. Now, however, he showed himself ambitious in all directions, but manifested especially a liking for chemistry. He experienced great satisfaction when upon adding one chemical to another the desired result came about. 'He felt that he had created something.' In the same way with photography, which he now took up, 'it gave him intense joy to see something come for which he was responsible.' The chemistry master seems to have been rather clumsy and generally to have failed in his demonstration experiments. B. came to expect this failure and to gloat over it secretly. Furthermore the boys, by way of practical joke, used to cut off pieces from the master's gown, and at this again B. rejoiced though, at the same time, feeling guilty and uneasy about the act. On his return to school B. had become friendly with a boy, who

taught him, amongst other things, the game of seeing who could eject his stream of water highest in the air. This boy also told B. that it was the urine which made babies grow, adding impressively that the thing had to be done in the dark. One day this boy said to B., "I am educating my sister in these matters." B. immediately experienced a great revulsion of feeling' and was almost sick. He 'forgot' the incident, but from that day forth he avoided the boy. He then formed another friendship. The new comrade, C., remained associated closely with him all through his teens and is to this day his greatest friend. It was he whom B. imagined to be accompanying him during the early stages of his first fugue. The two boys invented many original games of a highly imaginative character, their chief delight being the construction and working out of detective problems and the making of secret codes. The keynote of all their games may be summed up as secrecy and the investigation of secret things. B. further, 'had a longing to go out into the world and see things.' This led (at age 13) to the starting of an imaginary kingdom founded upon The Prisoner of Zenda1. To enter into the details connected with the running of this kingdom of their fancy, interesting though they are, would be too great a digression. Suffice it to say that the kingdom ever extended, for one of the essential rules of the game was that all land investigated upon a holiday or encompassed by a cycling or walking tour became annexed to the kingdom, which in this way had come to include a tract of country bounded by Dartmoor on the South and Blackpool on the North. This make-belief continued into their twenties and was closely guarded as a secret between them. Nearly all their friends and relations were allotted places in the kingdom, but without their knowledge, which often gave occasion for sly fun and merriment between the two friends.

At the age of fourteen and a half B. was confirmed. Both the preparation classes and the ceremony were serious matters to him. The instructor laid great stress upon confession and the forgiveness of God, and B. felt a craving for forgiveness. During the preparation he conceived the idea that he was called to be a missionary and chose China as the place where he would extend the kingdom of God his Heavenly Father.' This resolve, however, he kept quite secret. He felt that his people ought to know, but somehow he was afraid to tell them. The evening before confirmation he had a talk with his mother and emphasised the phrase 'I am ready.'

'By this he meant ready for the great dedication of his life; ready 1 Anthony Hope, The Prisoner of Zenda.

for the sacrifice; ready to go away to China, which represented the uttermost parts of the earth.' Naturally his mother only understood words as referring to the ceremony of the morrow, but to him they had a second and deeper meaning. From this time onwards B. frequently experienced the 'I am ready' feeling when called upon to come to any important decision in his life. At confirmation he was taught the use of confession but he put off active confession although he felt he ought to practise it. Confession was so hard and he screened himself behind the thought that his father would not like it.' Later, at age eighteen, he forced himself to active confession, but even then he never felt happy and free after it as he wished and expected to do. Always there clung to him a vague sense of unworthiness and a feeling that he had not really confessed all. His father-confessor upon learning this told him that he must not blame himself unduly. This well-meant advice only irritated B. and 'made confession lose some of its value, since he felt that he was not properly understood.'

B. now gained an exhibition at X. College, Oxford; went into residence and for the first time definitely declared his intention to take Holy Orders. At first all went well, but in his second year, during the normal course of his studies, doubts as to the authenticity of the Pentateuch and the genuineness of St John's Gospel began to assail him. 'It came acutely before him, where would he stand if the gospels proved to be inventions?'

A violent conflict now arose between his critical faculties and his desire to accept authority. He tried to put the thoughts away from him, but by the end of the term found a difficulty in applying himself to his work. He felt a great darkness, which reminded him of the earlier experience when preaching to his sister. He further had a feeling that he dreaded the coming of light for fear of what he would then see. In this state of mind B. sought to force matters by offering himself immediately to the S.P.G. as a candidate for missionary work in China. He had, however, an inward premonition or conviction that he would be refused on account of his eyes, which at times failed him completely. This proved to be correct for the doctor rejected him; reporting that he had a nervous affection of the eyes. So severe was the struggle that B. completely broke down and had to degrade one year.

He reconciled himself, however, to abandoning his long cherished call to the mission field and persuaded himself that he could advance the kingdom of God just as well at home.

On returning to Oxford he took his degree and proceeded to a theological college. Here there was nothing outwardly remarkable in his

progress, though in a modified form the struggle between his wish to bow to authority and his wish to be free continued as an undercurrent. As a reaction against authority he developed an aversion to time-tables, and did not like travelling in any vehicle unless he had the control of it. Also, although at this time he had completely 'forgotten' the PeepingTom incident, he never could go to the college bath-rooms if any one else were there; and he experienced a great repugnance at the mention of sexual matters in any form or connection.

In 19 B. was ordained and took up his first junior curacy. During this time he lived at home. His sister, now a school teacher, also lived at home; so the family circle remained unbroken. His vicar was very friendly and took B. entirely into his confidence regarding the working of the parish. The idea, with which B. thoroughly sympathised, was to fit in a new 'higher-church' practice without disturbing the old regime. Altogether then circumstances might have seemed to most people entirely favourable. Yet that autumn B. broke down again. Once when reading the lessons his eyes suddenly failed him and he experienced a feeling as though he had in some way committed a crime. If anything went wrong he had an overpowering sense of guilt as though he were the culprit even when it was quite obvious to himself as well as to others that he was in no way responsible. B. tried to hide his difficulties from his people and especially from his sister, but eventually had to give in.

Shortly after his return from holiday the war necessitated a reduction in the clerical staff of the parish, and B. being the junior had to seek another curacy. This he easily obtained about five miles away, but the distance though small involved a breaking up of the home, which B. felt acutely. Once again he was fortunate in his vicar, yet he fancied that he would be despised for his weakness and that he would not be able to settle down in the new parish. He felt also an unreasoning bitter resentment against the senior curate of his old parish for not offering to leave instead of him. The feeling grew more intense when, shortly after his remove, B. learned that this man was about to marry and was therefore seeking preferment. B. recognised the unjustness of his resentment. He thought a good deal over it, but was unable to explain satisfactorily to himself why 'the wrong feeling' should be so intense.

In his new parish B. tried to keep control of himself by excessive devotion to work and threw himself feverishly into the Boy Scout movement. Yet the feelings of secret guilt and unworthiness increased and he had difficulty in taking confirmation classes partly because these involved talks upon purity, partly because they brought to his mind the

recollection of his own preparation and the desire for sacrifice and dedication which had first definitely asserted itself at that time. His sleep now was frequently disturbed by a dream that he was trying to climb up the church steeple, but kept on slipping back and could not reach the top. After this dream he always awoke feeling utterly exhausted and with a sense of disgust at himself. He was afraid of the dark and the bed clothes seemed to crush him like a big overpowering

mass.

It now happened that a certain priest (not in the immediate vicinity) was accused of paederastia. This made a profound impression on B.: 'It caused him a shock which he did not seem able to throw off.' That Christmas he deliberately refrained from his custom of making presents to two boys, sons of an old friend, lest a similar accusation might be brought against him. When as usual he received a present from the boys he felt terribly mean and 'had a feeling that things which he did not understand were always happening.' The whole of this year he was ill, on and off, and frequently had to abandon engagements owing to headache. He made strenuous efforts to cast out the devil by rigorous devotion to work, and took charge of a ten weeks' continuous intercession service; himself doing many periods of twenty minutes each day. Eventually he had to give up and again consulted an oculist, who reported that the weakness of his eyes was due to 'nerves' and ordered a long rest. When the oculist put drops in his eyes B. was overcome by a feeling of shame as if something wrong would be brought to light. A part of the prescribed holiday was spent near London with some old family friends a father, mother and one daughter. The latter, a school teacher, very kindly did her best to show B. round London. On leaving them he went for the last few weeks of his holiday on a cycling tour to Church Stretton. 'Here he experienced a curious sense of elation as though all he saw belonged to him and as though there was always something fresh to see. Here on top of the hills he felt as if he had a right to all he saw.'

On his return home B. astonished his people by saying that he should like to spend his honeymoon at Church Stretton. He also wrote to C. in a similar strain, saying that the place formed an important part of their kingdom. He was now feverishly anxious to return to work, but being obviously in a restless unstable condition a compromise was arrived at, by which he was to do all sorts of relief work in the parish without being called upon to perform regular routine duties. During the next year, while thus engaged, B. was never really well. As was the case with Hanold