Mrs. Ford. If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted. 50 Mrs. Page. What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry.

Mrs. Ford. We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted. shall think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's liking and yet he would not swear; praised women's modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor ? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?

70

Mrs. Page. Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names,sure, more, and these are of the second edition he will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.

Mrs. Ford. Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?

Mrs. Page. Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.

Mrs. Page. Let's consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither. [They retire. Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM.

Ford. Well, I hope it be not so. Pist. Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs: Sir John affects thy wife.

Ford. Why, sir, my wife is not young. Pist. He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,

Both young and old, one with another, Ford; He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend. Ford. Love my wife!

120

Ford. Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.

131

Nym. [To Page] And this is true; I like not the humor of lying. He hath wronged me in some humors: I should have borne the humored letter to her; but I have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there's the short and the long My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tis true: my name is Nym and Fa staff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humor of bread and cheese, and there's the humor of it. Adieu. [Exit. 141

Page. The humor of it,' quoth a'! here' a fellow frights English out of his witsFord. I will seek out Falstaff.

Page. I never heard such a drawling, af fecting rogue.

Ford. If I do find it: well.

Page. I will not believe such a Catalan though the priest o' the town commended his for a true man.

13

Ford. Twas a good sensible fellow wel Page. How now, Meg!

[Mrs. Page and Mrs. Ford come forwar Mrs. Page. Whither go you, George? Ha you.

Mrs. Ford. How now, sweet Frank! w art thou melancholy?

Ford. I melancholy! I am not melanchol Get you home, go.

Mrs. Ford. Faith, thou hast some crotche in thy head. Now, will you go, Mistress Paz

Mrs. Page. Have with you. You'll come dinner, George. [Aside to Mrs. Ford] Le who comes yonder: she shall be our mess ger to this paltry knight.

Mrs. Ford. [Aside to Mrs. Page] Trust I thought on her she'll fit it.

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.

Mrs. Page. You are come to see my daugh. ter Anne?

170

Quick. Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne? Mrs. Page. Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk with you.

did

[Exeunt Mrs. Page, Mrs. Ford, and Mrs. Quickly.

Page. How now, Master Ford! Ford. You heard what this knave told me, you not?

Page. Yes and you heard what the other told me ?

Ford. Do you think there is truth in them? Page. Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service.

Ford. Were they his men ?

Page. Marry, were they.

Ford. I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?

Page. Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head. Ford. I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together. A man may be too confident: I would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.

Page. Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes: there is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily.

Enter HOST.

How now, mine host!

Host. How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gen Deman. Cavaleiro-justice, I say!

Enter SHALLOW.

201

Shal. I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master Page: Master Page, will you go with us? we have sport in and.

Host. Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, Dully-rook.

Shal. Sir, there is a fray to be fought beween Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

210

Ford Good mine host o' the Garter, a word [Drawing him aside.

ith you. Host. What sayest thou, my bully-rook? Shal. [To Page] Will you go with us to hold it? My merry host hath had the easuring of their weapons; and, I think, th appointed them contrary places; for, beve me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, will tell you what our sport shall be.

221

[They converse apart. Host. Hast thou no suit against my knight, yguest-cavaleire ? Ford. None, I protest: but I'll give you a ttle of burnt sack to give me recourse to

him and tell him my name is Brook; only for a jest.

Host. My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress-said I well ?-and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, †An-heires ?>

Shal. Have with you, mine host. Page. I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier. 231

Shal. Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats. [wag? Host. Here, boys, here, here! shall we Page. Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.

240

[Exeunt Host, Shal., and Page. Ford. Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's house; and what they made there, I know not. Well, I will look further into't: and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labor; if she be otherwise, 'tis labor well bestowed. [Exit.

SCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn.

Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL.

Fal. I will not lend thee a penny. Pist. Why, then the world's mine oyster. Which I with sword will open.

Fal. Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn: I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am dammed in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon mine honor thou hadst it not.

Pist. Didst not thou share ? hadst thou not

fifteen pence?

To

Fal. Reason, you rogue, reason thinkest thou I'll endanger my soul gratis ? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife and a throng your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go. You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you stand upon your honor! Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honor precise: I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cata-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honor! You will not do it, you! 30 Pist. I do relent: what would thou more of man ?

Enter ROBIN.

Rob. Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.

Fal. Let her approach.

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.

Quick. Give your worship good morrow. Fal. Good morrow, good wife.

Quick. Not so, an't please your worship. Fal. Good maid, then.

Quick. I'll be sworn,

As my mother was, the first hour I was born. Fal. I do believe the swearer. What with me? [word or two?

Quick. Shall I vouchsafe your worship a Fal. Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee the hearing.

Quick. There is one Mistress Ford, sir :-I pray, come a little nearer this ways:-I myself dwell with master Doctor Caius,

Fal. Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,Quick. Your worship says very true: I pray your worship, come a little nearer this ways. Fal. I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine own people. 51

Quick. Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!

Fal. Well, Mistress Ford; what of her? Quick. Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, Lord! your worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all of us, I pray!

Fal. Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,Quick. Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her : I had myself twenty angels given me this morning ; but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty : and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all and yet there nas been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with

her.

80

Fal. But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury.

Quick. Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven.

Fal. Ten and eleven?

Quick. Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill

life with him he's a very jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.

Fal. Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her.

:

Quick. Why, you say well. But I have an other messenger to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too and let me tell you in your ear, she's a fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I te you, that will not miss you morning nor eve ing prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er b the other and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home; be she hopes there will come a time. I neve knew a woman so dote upon a man: sure I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.

Fal. Not I, I assure thee: setting the at tractions of my good parts aside I have no othe charms.

11

Quick. Blessing on your heart for't! Fal. But, I pray thee, tell me this: ha Ford's wife and Page's wife acquainted eac other how they love me?

Quick. That were a jest indeed! they hay not so little grace, I hope that were a tric indeed! but Mistress Page would desire you t send her your little page, of all loves: her hu band has a marvellous infection to the lit page; and truly Master Page is an honest ma Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life th she does do what she will, say what she wil take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, ri when she list, all is as she will and truly s deserves it; for if there be a kind woman Windsor, she is one. You must send her yo page; no remedy.

Fal. Why, I will.

Quick. Nay, but do so, then: and, look yo he may come and go between you both; an in any case have a nay-word, that you m know one another's mind, and the boy new need to understand any thing; for 'tis not g that children should know any wickednes old folks, you know, have discretion, as th say, and know the world.

Fal. Fare thee well: commend me to the both there's my purse; I am yet thy debt Boy, go along with this woman. [Ere Mistress Quickly and Robin.] This news d

tracts me!

Fal. Money is a good soldier, sir, and will

Ford. Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me: if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.

Fal. Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

181

Ford. I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

Fal. Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be your servant.

Ford. Sir, I hear you are a scholar,-I will be brief with you, and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your Own; that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.

Fal. Very well, sir; proceed.

Ford. There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's name is Ford. Fal. Well, sir.

200

Ford. I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me;

Fal. Of what quality was your love, then? Ford. Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.

Fal. To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

Ford. When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.

Fal. O, sir!

Ford. Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more ; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife : use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you if any man may, you may as soon as

any.

Fal. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously. 250

Ford. O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honor, that the folly of my soul dares not present itself she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves: I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John ?

261

Fal. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.

Ford. O good sir!

Fal. I say you shall.

Ford. Want no money, Sir John ; you shall want none.

Fal. Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed.

Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir? 280

Ful. Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not: yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home.

Ford. I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.

Ful. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night. [Exit.

Ford. What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils' additions, the names of fiends: but Cuckold! Wittol!-Cuckold the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitæ bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!

SCENE III. A field near Windsor.

Enter CAIUS and RUGBY

Caius. Jack Rugby

[Exit.

Rug. Sir?

Caius. Vat is de clock, Jack? Rug. 'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.

Caius. By gar, he has save his soul, dat be is no come; he has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.

Rug. He is wise, sir; he knew your wor ship would kill him, if he came.

11

Caius. By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.

Rug. Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
Caius. Villany, take your rapier.
Rug. Forbear; here's company.

Enter HOST, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE
Host. Bless thee, bully doctor!
Shal. Save you, Master Doctor Caius !
Page. Now, good master doctor!
Slen. Give you good morrow, sir.
Caius. Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four
come for?

Host. To see thee fight, to see thee foin, t see thee traverse; to see thee here, to see the there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. Ist dead, my Ethiopian ? is he dead, my Fra cisco? ha, bully! What says my Esculapius my Galen? my heart of elder ? ha ! is he dead bully stale? is he dead?

Caius. By gar, he is de coward Jack pries of de vorld; he is not show his face. Host. Thou art a Castalion-King-Urina Hector of Greece, my boy!

Caius. I pray you, bear vitness that me hav stay six or seven, two, tree hours for his and he is no come.

Shal. He is the wiser man, master doctor he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bod ies; if you should fight, you go against th hair of your professions. Is it not true, Mas ter Page?

Page. Master Shallow, you have yourse been a great fighter, though now a man peace.

Shal. Bodykins, Master Page, though In be old and of the peace, if I see a sword of my finger itches to make one. Though we a justices and doctors and churchmen, Mast Page, we have some salt of our youth in we are the sons of women, Master Page.

Page. 'Tis true, Master Shallow.

Shal. It will be found so, Master Pa Master Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch y home. I am sworn of the peace: you ba showed yourself a wise physician, and Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patie churchman. You must go with me, mast doctor.

Host. Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mou seur Mockwater.

Caius. Mock-vater! vat is dat? Host. Mock-water, in our English tong is valor, bully.