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thousands, who otherwise would have passed through life in un
distinguished obscurity, and sunk quietly into oblivion, without 'a memento of their existence. 0! the astonishing power of addresses!—They can hold up for present admiration. in defiance of vices—and hand down to posterity, in spite of insignificance.
It cannot, however, for a moment be imagined, that this address is presented with any such servile view. The public contain within themselves all the vital principles of real great ness, and therefore can receive no additional notoriety. To 'encrease their importance by any address, would be impossible; to attempt it would be vain and presumptious. But lest any one should be inclined to put such an invidious construction on my conduct in this affair. I shall here subjoin for bis satifaction a full and true account of every why and wherefore by wbich I 'am actuated.
Be it known then, that to lay open to the consideration of the public the nature and design of Motivemongery ; to enumerate, for their information, the qualifications required in its professors ; to point out some of the advantages to be derived from the institution ; to detect some pretenders, who impose on
the ignorant. and by assuming our name bring disgrace on our society; and to propose some plans for the farther improvement of Motivemongery,—these are, may it please your worstrip, the sole reasons for presenting this address.
Motivemongery is in the conduct of life, what well founded theory is in philosophy: by the one we discover the secret springs of action: by the other we account for the phenomena of nature. Whilst we live in the world, we must judge of the actions of mankind, and pronounce them good or bad according to their natural tendency, or influence on society. But if we judge candidly, our decisions will be influenced chiefly by a ronsideration of the motives from whence those actions arise. Hence we see the utility and necessity of Motivemongery; which teaches us to discover and estimate motives aright. Would mankind only be what they appear, this art would not then be necessary; but, as long as they continue to make their appearance in masquerade, the design of the Motivemonger is, to strip them of their external deception, and discover what they are in their native dress.
For this purpose very few indeed are truly qualified. Not every one who with ill-natured spleen criticises the conduct of mankind, and delights to expose their failings; nor every one who elevated on the pinnacle of his own vanity, looks down upon the little world below him with a supercilious contempt, and thinks them beneath his notice ;-No, the real Motivemonger is a being of quite another nature. He requires, first, an original power of discernment; and in this respect, like a poet,
he must be born, not bred. This quickness of discernment is an essential qualification ; it stands directly opposed to that impenetrable thickness of scull, which learning attempts to overcome with no more success, than “sparrow shut fired against a bastion." But, however penetrative the mind may originally be, it is no more than the foundation on which the superstructure of Motivemongery is to be built ; and he who would practice it with success, must, in the second place, be a CAREFUL OBSERVER of mankind. Without observation there can be no true experience, and without experience no just conclusion. The Motivemonger knows, that the proper study of mankind is man;" he therefore, minutely observes his conduct in the various modifications of prosperity and adversity; under the various influences of religion, superstition, or infidelity : and in the different relations of magistrate, citizen, parent, child, or friend ; with many others, obvious to every thinking mind. Upon these observations, he founds his experience; and from this experience, forms his opinions of the motives by which mankind are actuated in all the changeful circumstances of human life. To these he adds mature deliberation. Most men act and think merely from first impressions ; but the Motivemonger pursues a very different line of conduct. He compares circumstances, possibilities, and probabilities ; examines every evidence before he gives in his verdict, and wherever justice will permit, leans to the side of mercy. The other qualifications necessary to the character of the Motivemonger are good nature, philanthropy, and benevolence. Good nature enables him to bear with seeming faults, until he sufficiently examine whether they be as bad as they at first sight appear; philanthropy rouses him from slothful inactivity, and excites him to exercise his powers in the service of his fellow men ; benevolence guides every motion of his soul, and whilst he exercises his abilities for the welfare of a few, be breathes forth a wish of love for the happiness of all. The last requisite is, impartiality. Without this, all others, however specious in appearance, are but like a gilt frame, compared to the solid metal. Impartiality is the spring which must direct the machine, otherwise its motions will be irregular, and its indications false. Impartiality levels the distinctions of party, cancels the accounts of interest, silences the sophistical pleadings of attachment and self-love, patiently listens to the arguments of unbiassed reason, and decides with indifference for friend or enemy. With these qualifications a man may be a Motivemonger.
Endowed with such qualities as have now been enumerated, the Motivemonger will direct every inquiry towards the attainment of the knowledge of human nature, in as far as it may be a means of advancing happiness. He will strip the mas
qued hypocrite of his specious robes, and pluck the borrowed plumes from the wings of vanity, that by discovering the folly of mere external show, he may teach the necessity of internal sincerity. He will rescue the innocent from the snares of the designing; and guard the unprotected from the insults of the unfeeling
The advantages of this art are common to all classes of society, and extend their influence to all possible circumstances.
In particular it contains a collection of all the most accurate rules by which all young ladies and gentleman can be enabled to judge, with the most surprising precision, of the real intentions of all matrimonial pretenders. These rules are also of the utmost importance to all buxom widows, who by their means, will be enabled to discover, whether their lovers sigh for themselves or their jointures. In friendship of all kinds, these rules will be found of the greatest utility. The visitor, at first salutation, will perceive whether he is invited to laugh, or be Jaughed at; the visited will discern, whether his friends come to pay their respects to him, or to admire the delicious flavour of his roast beef and old port; and old bachelors, and old maids, will learn whether their inquiring friends come to see how well or how ill Providence is pleased to make them.
Instances innumerable might be produced, displaying the advantages to be derived from Motivemongery; one however, may suffice. It was related to me the other day by my old friend Mrs. Prudence Circumspect.
It had been observed for some time, that Bob Buckskin, the squire, began to walk as erect as a bulrush, with his coat close buttoned, to make him look smart and killing; and it was generally surmised that Bob had at last began to think of marriage. Mrs. Circumspect, however, observing that he always walked particularly light and airy when passing the shop of her neighbour, Mrs. 'Taifety the milliner, immediately divined bis motives; and by seasonable advice, saved Miss Dolly Dimity, the apprentice, whom the squire had already determined to carry off the ürst opportunity.
Let no one now attempt to insinuate, that what I have been saying is mere puff: for the whole society are ready at any time to support the truth of all I have advanced. For my own part I have long been a Motivemonger, and with modesty I say it, have arrived to some little distinction in the craft. No doubt it has been owing more to the partiality of my friends, than to my own merit, but I have lately been chosen General of the order. If then, any one should be inclined to dispute my declarations, let him remember, I write by virtue of my office, and demean himself' accordingly.
. One thing to which I desire particularly to call the attention of the public is, the consideration of certain imposters, who have lately invaded our rights ; and by assuming our name, and acting in our craft, have brought upon us the suspicion of some, and the displeasure of others. I shall therefore proceed to point out to the public, for their instruction, and our own vindication, the marks by which these impostors may at all times be discovered.
First.- When any one's opinions disagree with theirs, or his actions oppose their particolar interest, they bestow on him very liberally the epithets of rascal, knave, designing hypocrite, and ignorant fool. This very frequently occurs in the dull deadly harangues of Mr. Bigotry Stupid, and the pert irrational babblings of Mr. Infidel Crazy. I'hey, of this description, will tell you, the Doctor intends to poison you by degrees, and trepan you out of your life and your money together; that law and honesty are totally incompatible, and, therefore, the lawyer, whilst he pretends to protect, only plots to pillage ; that the priest, worse than all, is not content with ruining you in one quarter, but is determined to gull you of both money and soul together. 0! it grieves me, that such men as these should ever be considered Motivemongers! Because there are some bad characters in every profession, must we uncharitably conclude, that there can be virtue in nonc!
These imposters are generally known in the world by the title of “The Grumblers." Their whole employment consists in venting their complaints against mankind; and in endeavouring to demonstrate their favourite proposition; "that all things are wrong, merely for want of their sage direction." These self-opinionated Solomons imagine, that the quintessence of all wisdom is concentrated within the circumference of their own sculls; and therefore judge all other men's actions to be the offspring of ignorance, inexperience and folly. To this superabundant wisdom, they add the most exquisite sensibility, and the grief of their gentle spirits is so great, when they contemplate the improprieties of mankind, that they are unhappy themselves, and render all who are near them miserable. It has been, sometimes, sbrewdly conjectured, that neither their wisdom nor sensibility are so great as they pretend ; but, that like the screech-owl, they take a pleasure in their own nightly hootings, and grumble at the rest of mankind, because they are happier than themselves.
I have consulted the society on an adequate punishment for these offenders, and it was unanimously agreed, that the whole generation should be commanded to form themselves into an association separate from the rest of the world; where they may comfort each other in quiet, with the beauties of wry faces, and the harmony of groans : since to others they, at present. afford neither instruction nor entertainment.
Second, must caution the public against another class of imposters, who are distinguished in the world by the name of “ 'The Slander Club." These continually endeavour to pass for genuine Motivemongers ; and by assuming an external appearance of regularity and wisdom, have frequently deceived the unwary. They preserve amongst them a subordination of ranks and employments. A member of the good and ancient family of Tattlehall claims the hereditary honour of the presidency. The president regulates their employments, according to their diligence and abilities; and is sure to reward them in proportion to individual success. Those who are possessed of tenacious memories, and fertile imaginations, are denominated, “ The Historians." Their practice is this:-As soon as any one who is absent happens to be approved of, or commended in company, they proceed to tell some story concerning him, or his great-great-grandfather; merely for the entertaininent or information of the company as they will positively assure you : but really with the intention of counteracting any favourable impressions which his conduct or abilities may happen to produce. One thing by which these Historians are distinguished, is their excess of modesty. They never assert any thing to be absolutely true-they give it to you just as it came to them ; and leave you at liberty to judge as you please. Their good nature indeed often carries them so far as to tell stories, which they assure you they themselves do not believe; and they only mention them as instances of the censorousness of the world. When two of these Historians meet in one company, they are known by the name of Hinters." Whenever an action is related or a character introduced, they immediately begin to cast looks of penetration at each other; and if sufficiently near. are sure to begin a whisper for the instruction of the curious. This done." You know, and I know-and we mind the ne, when some people-Ay. Ay ;—but some people you know and I know too.". Such half sentences as these serve to fill up the usual dialogue of the Hinters : and whilst they in reality say nothing, either good or bad, their dark insinuatons blast the character. These gentry are all invalids ; being grieviously afflicted with a disoase which they are very desirous to conceal from the knowledge of the world. It was long before I could discover even its name : but Mrs. Circumspect, to whom I usually apply on these occasions, tells me it is called the “ Hearsay.” İ'hat it seizes the patient, at first with a most incorrigible propensity to listening, then impels him, irresistibly, to communicate what he has heard. But, as it sometimes happens, that his communications are not well re