But oh! the tormenting fears which at times racked my heart, lest I was not the object of electing love. Neither did the enemy of souls fail to preach up to me the sovereign decrees of heaven; which he did in these words, 'If a child ask bread of a Father, will he give him a stone; and how long have you cried for an interest in his Son? And has he not been deaf to your cries. If you were elected, God would hear your cry; and you may cry to eternity, if you are not elected, you can never change the mind of God, with all your cries, for he is unchangeable. He always hears his children, but he hears not sinners like you, who are reprobated.'

Oh! these were sharp temptations; and would often put me to the stand, as to what I should do in such a miserable condition. But upon consideration, I made up my mind to lay at mercy's door, and commit myself into the arms of his grace with an holy venture, saying as Esther, 'I will go in unto the King, and if I perish I perish; for I could see no other way of salvation. In addition to all this, my husband often threatened my life, if I attempted to attend a place of worship; and many times I was prevented from worshipping not only in public, but also in private; as he made it his business to prevent my enjoying any secrecy with my God. But my dear Lord did most wonderfully appear for me, though it was often at the risk of my life, that I ob tained opportunities to call upon him.

presence

Two years had now elapsed, since I was turned to seek the salvation of my soul, and had not yet found it. This made me faint and sink, and I was almost ready to give up all hope, that ever I should call Jesus mine. In this desponding frame of mind, I went to the Tabernacle, as if the last remains of hope were giving up the ghost. There was a stranger in the pulpit, whose name I afterwards learned, was Bennet; whom I had never seen nor heard before. He was an able preacher, and a true Watchman he proved to me, and found of him I was. Sol. Song 3: 3. When he had done preaching, I tried to take courage and tell him my distresses; but as I never before spake to any minister of the state of my soul, when I came into his I could not utter a word. When I found liberty to speak, I told him I was like the woman in the gospel, who said, if she could but touch the hem of Christ's garment, she should be made whole. He then asked me many questions, as to the way in which I expected to receive the forgiveness of my sins; to all which I was enabled to answer much to his satisfaction. He then told me that my case was so tender, that he did not know how to speak: for he was afraid to give me that encouragement he desired, for fear I should rest there; or lest, on the other hand, he would drive me to despair. But he gave me great encouragement to follow on to seek the Lord; assuring me that God, in his own time, as well as in his own way, would give

me the satisfaction that my heart desired. Hearing from this Watchman that my case was not singular, I felt greatly encouraged. I felt resigned to wait the Lord's time, and to receive the knowledge of my acceptance in his own way. And it was but a little that I passed from the Watchman, but I found him whom my soul loved for it was but a fortnight after, when I was in his own house, that the Lord was pleased to take away my burden. I was like Christian in the Pilgrim's progress, when the burden fell from his back. From that time I was at full liberty, and knew by sweet experience that Jesus had suffered for me. I knew him for myself, as my Saviour and my God. But the Sabbath previous to this blessed Sabbath of deliverance, my mind was made very calm, serene and quiet, as I had never before felt it, by these words 'It was but a little that I passed from the Watchman, but I found him whom my soul loveth; I held him and would not let him go, &c.' And it was indeed but a little that I passed from the Watchman; it was the next Lord's day, when worshipping under the same minister, that the Lord himself spake to my soul, these never to be forgotten words, 'I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore with loving kindness have I drawn you.' Jesus was set before me in all his beauty, as an able and all sufficient Saviour. I had not a single doubt but he was my Lord and my God; and do believe that my soul closed with him from that

;

happy hour, as my prophet, my priest, and my king; with such a manifestation of pardoning love, as caused me to rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory : and with Zion of old I could say, 'when the Lord turned my captivity, I was like them that dream;' and from that time, the Lord appeared to me as a loving, kind and tender Father in Christ Jesus.

I now had a great desire to receive the sacrament; but dared not in view of my great unworthiness. It was my constant prayer that the Lord would make me fit; for I longed, as I thought, to give myself only to the Lord. On one occasion when the ordinance was to be administered, it was applied to me with great power,

'Let not conscience make you linger,

Nor of fitness fondly dream;

All the fitness he requires,

Is to feel your need of him.'

Now I thought I would stay just as I was, and informed my mother of my, determination, telling her I could not go away. But she being tender of me, knowing the temper of my husband, as well as the enmity of his heart, persuaded me to go home, which greatly affected me and cut me to the heart; for the tempter took occasion to persuade me, that the Lord would not permit me to stay because of my unworthiness, which made me more wretched than I am able to

describe. It was now my prayer, that the Lord would make darkness, light; and crooked things, straight, before me, which I found he did; for on the next communion occasion, I obtained the consent of my husband to attend. The sacrament was administered once every month, and on the Friday evening previous, the preparation sermon was preached. The Rev. Matthew Wilks was there: and oh! how good the Lord was to me. I verily thought there was no other person invited but myself. Indeed, I could say, it was a time of love. Oh! how I longed for the Sabbath, that I might meet with the people of God. On Sabbath morning, the Lord gave me such a foretaste of his love, that whether in the body or out of the body, I could hardly tell. I went to his house with these words on my mind, ‘He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.' And love indeed I found it to be. Oh! how I longed to depart and be with Christ, that I might never go into the world again; but the Lord had greater trials for me to pass through. Oh! how did I pray, that the Lord would call my husband, that I might no longer travel alone.

My trials now began to increase, for my husband threatened my life. But though my trials abounded, my consolation did much more abound, and I was willing, if nothing but such severe afflictions could keep me near to God, that he should keep me in them, and not remove them for my soul's sake; for I could have