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called it a "directory.” I didn't understand at first, and said, “What do you mean-city directory or telephone?” And she said, "No, Ferdinand (she calls me Ferdinand), the new sheath-gown is called a 'directory, and the directory you mean is for looking up addresses.” I said, “Hortense, they both serve the same purpose.”

She was very sensitive about her size, too. One night I took her to see a celebrated magician. One of his feats was to blindfold himself and read a newspaper through the blindfold. Then he placed two thick pieces of red flannel over the newspaper and still was able to read the print. Hortense became alarmed, and said, emphatically:

“Ferdinand, we'll have to get out of here."
“Why, my dear,” said I, "he won't hurt you."
“”

"Well," she answered, "this is no place for a respectable woman. He's locking right through that red flannel, and here I have on my Summer underwear.”

Her fat bothered her so that she decided to reduce. She asked me if I thought a self-reducing corset would help, and I told her she needed a trip-hammer to flatten her out. She insisted that she must do something to take off flesh, and I suggested that she get a safety-razor, because every time I used one I took off a lot of flesh.

The idea didn't appeal to her, so she took some stuff called “Thinabono,” at five dollars the bottle. I was surprised that Hortense should spend so much money, because she was usually very economical.

Before we were married I sent her a telegram one day asking her which I should get her for her birthday, a diamond ring or a silk dress; and, in order to be economical and send as few words as possible over the wire, she replied, “Both."

But she was so anxious to get thin that she persisted in buying “Thinabono." The first five bottles had no effect, so she took another, and then they all began to work at once.

Inside of two days she lost twenty pounds, and before the end of the week she

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could take her waist off over her head without unhooking the collar, and was wearing one of her old sleeves for a skirt.

Then she got scared and went to a doctor. When he looked her over he found a blue and red mark on her arm that looked like a buttonhole, and he asked her what it was. She said it was a tattoo mark. The doctor said: “That's a funny little tattoo mark; it looks more like a scratch.” Hortense said: "I know; but when I'm fat it spells 'Ferdinand.'»

She got so thin that when she ate an olive people told her she was getting fat again. The only thing she could eat that wouldn't show on her was spaghetti and if she ate two pieces of spaghetti she was ashamed to go out.

That cured her of wanting to be thin. The doctor said that the only thing that would fix her was a sea voyage, so we took a trip to Newfoundland. She gained five pounds a day on that trip, and I was some thankful we didn't go to Australia.

DRUG-STORE SCENE.

COMEDY MONOLOGUE FOR WOMAN.

GLORIA MARTINEZ.

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CHARACTERS: FASHIONABLY-DRESSED LADY, carrying bundles,

speaker present. DRUGGIST, supposed to be present.
SCENE: Drug-store. FASHIONABLY-DRESSED LADY enters quick-

ly, looks all round, goes to counter as if DRUGGIST had spoken
to her; puts bundles, one by one, on counter.
H! I want a tonic [looks around at different bottles, etc., on

shelves and counter]. I'd like to have the same kind I had some time ago, but I don't remember the name. I know it came in a little round box and it was in the form of [handles different goods on counter]-oh, yes, now I remember [stops with finger against head as if thinking), it was pills—and I had to take two

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after every meal. Now [doubtfully), would it be all right for some one else to take what I have taken? [Looks appealingly.] You know, my cook says she is not well, and I have a number of people at the house, and if I give her something they will all be gone-I mean the guests will all be gone—by to-morrow, and then cverything will be all right. [Starts.] Oh, no, goodness, her hair is all right. [Looks toward shelves.] No, that's too large a bottle—I simply want something I can stick in my muff. [Holds up muff.] I have been shopping, and have all these bundles [turns cver bundles that she has placed on counter], so you see I must only take something small so I can put it in my muff. [Looks. ] Oh, no, that won't do, either. [Points down L. What's that cver there in that bottle? [Smiles.] Oh, that's it—that's just the thing, and it will go so nicely in my muff. [Nods head.] All right, I'll take that. [Counts money from purse which she takes from satchel fastened to belt, hands money to druggist.]

[Starts to gather up bundles, puts them down again as if struck by a thought.] May I use your directory? Oh, thank you. [Turns pages

I hastily, frowns deeply'.] Oh, dear, I can't find the number. What would you look under to find "Sulphur Springs Water”? Would

“? you look under “Water” or under "Springs"? [Looks back at book.] Oh, dear me, I'm looking under “Street.” [Looks appealingly at druggist.] I wouldn't find it under that, would I? You'll look it up for me? Oh, thank you. You are very kind. Oh, yes, I can take my change now. [Counts change and puts it into purse and then into bag.] Oh, you found it? Thank you. Oh, yes, I can remember. [Takes package from druggist and puts it into muff. Gathers up other packages one by one, naming them while doing so; takes up muff.] Oh, my, where's that other bundle? [Looks about her, on floor, counter, etc.] Oh, yes, I know. I had another bundle, for I remember I said I would carry this bundle under my arm here; this one on my arm like this; this one here on this arm, and my muff with this hand—and then—there was something I had to hold in this hand. Oh! I'm sure. Do

,

you think it could have dropped in that barrel of sponges [indicating]? I passed them when I came in. Would you mind emptying the barrel to see if the bundle is there? [As druggist empties barrel, she stands watching.] Not there? Oh, thank you so much. [Stands puzzled.] I wonder what has become of that bundle—would you kindly look behind the counter-it may have fallen off the counter? Not there? Do you think your boy may have taken it out by mistake? He just went out and had a number of bundles. Would you mind 'phoning to the place he is going and ask him? Thank you. You are very kind. [Looks toward 'phone, off L. front.] Oh, what did you say? He hasn't got it? [Looks

. sorrowful; looks up suddenly.] Oh, now I remember what it was-gloves. I got them from the cleaners, and I must have them to-night. [Distressed.] Oh, dear, what shall I do? I must have those gloves. [Listens.] I beg your pardon. I did have the bundle when I came in, for I distinctly remember that I said I could just put the package in the muff. Do you think it may have dropped behind the counter and bounced into one of those bins ? Would you mind looking ? Not there? Oh, dear, dear! What

? shall I do?

[Picks up one parcel at a time and places them in position, carefully indicating mentally cach thing as she places them on arm. Pauses a moment after cach article as if to be sure. After all have been placed, with muff in hand, she stands a moment thinking, suddenly turns and looks down R.) Oh [vacant stare, trying to think of something], I remember now—it was my skirt I held in this hand. [Exits quickly and shamefacedly.]

The play is done; the curtain drops, slowly falling to the prompter's

bell: A moment yet the actor stops, and looks aro

round, to say farewell. It is an irksome word and task; and when he's laughed and said

his say,

He shows, as he removes the mask, a face that's anything but gay.

-W. M. Thackeray.

JOY'S FIDDLE.

PATHOS, TRAGIC, DRAMATIC, FRONTIER-DIALECT

MONOLOGUE FOR MAN.

J. W. FORBES.

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CHARACTERS: Dying FRONTIERSMAN, speaker present; BILLY,

his friend, supposed to be present, or Billy may be on stage with violin on which he strums to suit the text; or BILLY may be supposed to be present, while violin-strumming takes place unseen in wings, or may be done by orchestra in

front of footlights. SCENE AT RISE OF CURTAIN: Interior of frontiersman's or miner's

hut. FRONTIERSMAN, pale, haggard and feeble, sits in easy

chair near table. Billy is supposed to be near on stool. ECH it ag'in, Billy, kind o’ soft like. Ye hain't got her fingers,

but do the best ye kin. There—'pears like 'tain't the same fiddle she used to sing with. Mebbe it's a-mournin' arter her. 'Tain't no fault o' yourn, Billy. It used to git obstropolous with the gal, for all I know the blamed thing was never easy ’thout she was a-foolin' with it, an' she had to twist them ar handles backards an' forards right smart afore it 'ud mind her jist right.

Move yer fingers slow like, an' it'll seem more like it wuz the gal. Queer? Yas, the naybers did talk thetaway at fust, an' some o the wimmen-folks shuck their heads an' said as how 'twas onnateral like fur a woman to fiddle, but they tuck it all back when they heerd her, fur, Billy, ole pard, 'twan't no fiddlin' but jist some o' them angels a-singin', an' made a feller feel like he didn't wish no harm to nobody, sorter peaceful like, ye know. 'Twan't no fiddlin', Billy.

Live with rough uns like us? Wall, 'twas sort o' odd one way, an’t’other

way

'tain't. Ye see, the cussed ’Paches cleaned out the hull family but her. They wuz movers, an' didn't 'low there wuz any danger in them goin' along a-mindin' their own bizness, an’

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