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MARY CAMPBELL MONROE.
Written expressly for this book.
HEN mother sezs that Him has come,
Us all begins ter jumps ’nd run, For Him is jest the mostest fun,
Him isn't cross ter li'l boys, 'Nd when Him comes Him brings us toys, Him's full of 'sprises ’nd of joys,
Him brings us candy ’nd corn that pops;
'Nd then Him gits right on the floor,
Him likes the girls-Polly ’nd Sue,
Our ma ’nd Him hed the same mother, He sezs, ’nd that they loved each n'other, 'Nd that Him's mother's li'l brother,
O Him's as funny as Him kin be,
[Acting-Police Commissioner of New York City, after a visit to Pittsburg, Pa., ordered the following notice to be placed in all stables of the police department:]
To Thee, My Master, I Offer My Prayer:
Feed me, water and care for me, and when the day's work is done provide me with shelter, a clean, dry bed and a stall wide enough for me to lie down in comfort. Talk to me. Your voice often means as much to me as the reins. Pet me sometimes, that I may serve you the more gladly and learn to love you. Do not jerk the reins and do not whip me when going up hill. Never strike, beat or kick me when I do not understand what you want, but give me a chance to understand you. Watch me, if I fail to do your bidding, see if something is not wrong with my harness or feet.
Examine my teeth when I do not eat. I may have an ulcerated tooth, and that, you know, is very painful. Do not tie my head in an unnatural position or take away my best defence against flies and mosquitoes by cutting off my tail.
And finally, O my master, when my useful strength is gone, do not turn me out to starve or freeze or sell me to some cruel owner to be slowly tortured and starved to death ; but do thou, my master, take my life in the kindest way and your God will reward
here and hereafter. You will not consider me irreverent if I ask this in the name of Him who was born in a stable. AMEN.
Give us men!
As her noble sons,
Give us men-I say again,
Give us men!
In the thickest fight;
God defend the right!
True as truth, though lorn and lonely,
Give us men! I say again,
BRIDGE-PARTY RECIPE. Take a liberal assortment of women, preferably an odd number, and sprinkle at intervals around an overheated room. Add one hat for each, and if the room is not large enough to hold them, let them project over the edge. Make a stuffing of sandwiches, chocolate-cake, olives and tea, and line each woman with it. Season liberally with spice prepared from the latest gossip and add a few peppery tempers. Some people garnish with cards, but these may be omitted without injury to the dish.
FISH-POND RECIPE. To one pond add three small fish. Stir thoroughly and set out in a basin to air. Select four plump, well-fed fishermen, peel and place them on top of the pond. Let the whole bake in a hot sun four hours, occasionally basting the fishermen with Selected Likker. When thoroughly brown, remove the fishermen, carefully draining off their stories into separate receptacles. Allow the sediment to settle, and a careful comparison of the results will clearly prove that the pond contains sixty unusually large fish.
DOMESTIC-HAPPINESS RECIPE. To one suburban villa add a furnace three sizes too small and two leaky pipes. Carefully loosen the wall-paper around the edges and stir in two battalions of cockroaches and a colony of rats. Season with a tobasco-tempered cook and garnish with an indeterminate train-service and an adjacent phonograph. The effectiveness of this dish can be greatly enhanced by adding the head of the household, immersed in hot water to the neck, as part of the decorations.
FLOWER-GARDEN RECIPE. Take twenty square yards of sand and pebbles, stir in sufficient clay to make a compact, watertight mass, ram down hard and score the surface with a rake. Add carefully ten packets of seeds of the most magnificent flower known that will grow anywhere and under any conditions, throwing up a continuous succession of enormous flower trusses from March to November, each petal five inches across and of the richest and most glowing tints. This is the commonest of all flowers and will be found listed on any page of any florist's catalogue. Set the whole out to rise, keeping it moist and warm. After allowing the mass to rise four months, sprinkle red spiders and green aphides plentifully over the top and soak well with tears. The net result may be preserved in a small bottle of alcohol for future reference.
Take one hole in the ground and carefully fill with selected copper ore or any other kind. Add a prospectus and mix thoroughly. Stand the whole out in the rain until as much water has been absorbed as the proposition will stand and sweeten with Ananias's Infallible Dope. Cook quickly in hot air, the hotter the better, and when done serve instantly. In choosing the cook for this dish be sure to select one who is a swift and tireless
HE. I hear that Bronson sang “Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep” at the concert.
SHE. He did, indeed. It was so vivid that five people left the hall overcome with seasickness,