time, but to no purpose, till, at length recollecting | "I can not avoid imagining, that thus refined by himself, with a face of ineffable good-nature, as he his lessons out of all my suspicion, and divested of had no money, he put into her hands his shilling's even all the little cunning which nature had given worth of matches.

LETTER XXVII.

To the Same.

me, I resembled, upon my first entrance into the busy and insidious world, one of those gladiators who were exposed without armour in the amphitheatre at Rome. My father, however, who had only seen the world on one side, seemed to triumph in my superior discernment; though my whole stock of wisdom consisted in being able to talk like himself upon subjects that once were useful, because they were then topics of the busy world, but that now were utterly useless, because connected with the busy world no longer.

As there appeared to be something reluctantly good in the character of my companion, I must own it surprised me what could be his motives for thus concealing virtues which others take such pains to display. I was unable to repress my desire of "The first opportunity he had of finding his exknowing the history of a man who thus seemed to pectations disappointed, was in the very middling act under continual restraint, and whose benevo- figure I made in the university; he had flattered lence was rather the effect of appetite than reason. himself that he should soon see me rising into the It was not, however, till after repeated solicita- foremost rank in literary reputation, but was mortions he thought proper to gratify my curiosity. tified to find me utterly unnoticed and unknown. "If you are fond," says he, "of hearing hair- His disappointment might have been partly ascribbreath escapes, my history must certainly please; for I have been for twenty years upon the very verge of starving, without ever being starved.

that I was a little dull; but at the same time allowed, that I seemed to be very good-natured, and had no harm in me.

ed to his having overrated my talents, and partly to my dislike of mathematical reasonings, at a time when my imagination and memory, yet unsatisfied, "My father, the younger son of a good family, were more eager after new objects, than desirous was possessed of a small living in the church. of reasoning upon those I knew. This did not, His education was above his fortune, and his ge- however, please my tutor, who observed, indeed, nerosity greater than his education. Poor as he was, he had his flatterers still poorer than himself; for every dinner he gave them, they returned an equivalent in praise, and this was all he wanted. "After I had resided at college seven years, my The same ambition that actuates a monarch at the father died, and left me-his blessing. Thus shoved head of an army, influenced my father at the head from shore without ill-nature to protect, or cunning of his table; he told the story of the ivy-tree, and to guide, or proper stores to subsist me in so danthat was laughed at; he repeated the jest of the gerous a voyage, I was obliged to embark in the two scholars and one pair of breeches, and the wide world at twenty-two. But, in order to settle company laughed at that; but the story of Taffy in life, my friends advised (for they always advise in the sedan-chair was sure to set the table in a when they begin to despise us), they advised me, roar: thus his pleasure increased in proportion to say, to go into orders. the pleasure he gave; he loved all the world, and he fancied all the world loved him.

I

"To be obliged to wear a long wig, when I liked a short one, or a black coat, when I generally "As his fortune was but small, he lived up to dressed in brown, I thought was such a restraint the very extent of it; he had no intentions of leav- upon my liberty, that I absolutely rejected the proing his children money, for that was dross; he was posal. A priest in England is not the same morresolved they should have learning; for learning, tified creature with a bonze in China: with us, not he used to observe, was better than silver or gold. he that fasts best, but eats best, is reckoned the For this purpose, he undertook to instruct us him- best liver; yet I rejected a life of luxury, indolence, self; and took as much pains to form our morals as and ease, from no other consideration but that to improve our understanding. We were told, that boyish one of dress. So that my friends were now universal benevolence was what first cemented so- perfectly satisfied I was undone; and yet they ciety; we were taught to consider all the wants of thought it a pity for one who had not the least mankind as our own; to regard the "human face harm in him, and was so very good-natured. divine" with affection and esteem; he wound us, "Poverty naturally begets dependence, and I up to be mere machines of pity, and rendered us was admitted as flatterer to a great man. At first incapable of withstanding the slightest impulse I was surprised, that the situation of a flatterer at made either by real or fictitious distress; in a word, we were perfectly instructed in the art of giving away thousands, before we were taught the more necessary qualifications of getting a farthing.

a great man's table could be thought disagreeable: there was no great trouble in listening attentively when his lordship spoke, and laughing when he looked round for applause. This even good man

ners might have obliged me to perform. I found, sorry for that, cries the scrivener, with all my however, too soon, that his lordship was a greater heart; for they who want money when they come dunce than myself; and from that very moment to borrow, will always want money when they flattery was at an end. I now rather aimed at set-should come to pay. ting him right, than at receiving his absurdities

"From him I flew with indignation to one of the with submission: to flatter those we do not know, best friends I had in the world, and made the same is an easy task; but to flatter our intimate acquaint- request. Indeed, Mr. Dry-bone, cries my friend, ances, all whose foibles are strongly in our eye, is I always thought it would come to this. You know, drudgery insupportable. Every time I now open- sir, I would not advise you but for your own good; ed my lips in praise, my falsehood went to my con- but your conduct has hitherto been ridiculous in science: his lordship soon perceived me to be very the highest degree, and some of your acquaintance unfit for service; I was therefore discharged; my always thought you a very silly fellow. Let me patron at the same time being graciously pleased see, you want two hundred pounds. Do you only to observe, that he believed I was tolerably good-want two hundred, sir, exactly? To confess a natured, and had not the least harm in me. truth, returned I, I shall want three hundred; but then I have another friend, from whom I can bor row the rest. Why then, replied my friend, if you would take my advice (and you know I should not presume to advise you but for your own good), I would recommend it to you to borrow the whole sum from that other friend; and then une note will serve for all, you know.

'Disappointed in ambition, I had recourse to love. A young lady, who lived with her aunt, and was possessed of a pretty fortune in her own disposal, had given me, as I fancied, some reason to expect success. The symptoms by which I was guided were striking. She had always laughed with me at her awkward acquaintance, and at her aunt among the number; she always observed "Poverty now began to come fast upon me; yet that a man of sense would make a better husband instead of growing more provident or cautious, as than a fool, and I as constantly applied the obser- I grew poor, I became every day more indolent and vation in my own favour. She continually talked, simple. A friend was arrested for fifty pounds; I in my company, of friendship and the beauties of was unable to extricate him, except by becoming the mind, and spoke of Mr. Shrimp my rival's his bail. When at liberty, he fled from his credinigh-heeled shoes with detestation. These were tors, and left me to take his place. In prison I excircumstances which I thought strongly in my fa- pected greater satisfactions than I had enjoyed at vour; so, after resolving, and re-resolving, I had large. I hoped to converse with men in this new courage enough to tell her my mind. Miss heard world, simple and believing like myself, but I found my proposal with serenity, seeming at the same them as cunning and as cautious as those in the time to study the figures of her fan. Out at last world I had left behind. They sponged up my it came. There was but one small objection to money whilst it lasted, borrowed my coals, and complete our happiness, which was no more than never paid for them, and cheated me when I play-that she was married three months before to ed at cribbage. All this was done because they Mr. Shrimp, with high-heeled shoes! By way of believed me to be very good-natured, and knew that consolation, however, she observed, that though I 1 had no harm in me. was disappointed in her, my addresses to her aunt "Upon my first entrance into this mansion, would probably kindle her into sensibility: as the which is to some the abode of despair, I felt no old lady always allowed me to be very good-natured sensations different from those I experienced abroad. and not to have the least share of harm in me. I was now on one side the door, and those who "Yet still I had friends, numerous friends, and were unconfined were on the other: this was all to them I was resolved to apply. O Friendship! the difference between us. At first, indeed, I felt thou fond soother of the human breast, to thee we some uneasiness, in considering how I should be fly in every calamity; to thee the wretched seek for able to provide this week for the wants of the week succour; on thee the care-tired son of misery fond- ensuing; but, after some time, if I found myself ly relies; from thy kind assistance the unfortunate sure of eating one day, I never troubled my head always hopes relief, and may be ever sure of dis- how I was to be supplied another. I seized every appointment! My first application was to a city-precarious meal with the utmost good-humour; scrivener, who had frequently offered to lend me indulged no rants of spleen at my situation; never money, when he knew I did not want it. I in-called down Heaven and all the stars to behold me formed him, that now was the time to put his dining upon a halfpenny-worth of radishes; my friendship to the test; that I wanted to borrow a very companions were taught to believe that I liked couple of hundreds for a certain occasion, and was salad better than mutton. I contented myself with resolved to take it up from him. And pray, sir, thinking, that all my life I should either eat white cried my friend, do you want all this money! In- bread or brown; considered all that happened was deed I never wanted it more, returned I. I am best; laughed when I was not in pain, took the

the world as it went, and read Tacitus often, for drive a trade they have been so long unfit for, and want of more books and company. swarming upon the gaiety of the age. I behold an "How long I might have continued in this tor- old bachelor in the most contemptible light, as an pid state of simplicity, I can not tell, had I not been animal that lives upon the common stock without roused by seeing an old acquaintance, whom I contributing his share: he is a beast of prey, and knew to be a prudent blockhead, preferred to a the laws should make use of as many stratagems, place in the government. I now found that I had and as much force, to drive the reluctant savage pursued a wrong track, and that the true way of into the toils, as the Indians when they hunt the being able to relieve others, was first to aim at in- rhinoceros. The mob should be permitted to dependence myself: my immediate care, therefore, halloo after him, boys might play tricks on him was to leave my present habitation, and make an with impunity, every well-bred company should entire reformation in my conduct and behaviour. laugh at him; and if, when turned of sixty, he ofFor a free, open, undesigning deportment, I put fered to make love, his mistress might spit in his on that of closeness, prudence, and economy. One face, or, what would be perhaps a greater punishof the most heroic actions I ever performed, and ment, should fairly grant the favour. for which I shall praise myself as long as I live, was the refusing half-a-crown to an old acquaintance, at the time when he wanted it, and I had it to spare: for this alone I deserve to be decreed an

ovation.

As for old maids, continued I, they should not be treated with so much severity, because I suppose none would be so if they could. No lady in her senses would choose to make a subordinate figure at christenings or lyings-in, when she might "I now therefore pursued a course of uninter-be the principal herself; nor curry favour with a rupted frugality, seldom wanted a dinner, and was sister-in-law, when she might command a husband; consequently invited to twenty. I soon began to nor toil in preparing custards, when she might lie get the character of a saving hunks that had money, a-bed, and give directions how they ought to be and insensibly grew into esteem. Neighbours made; nor stifle all her sensations in demure forhave asked my advice in the disposal of their mality, when she might, with matrimonial freedaughters; and I have always taken care not to dom, shake her acquaintance by the hand, and give any. I have contracted a friendship with an wink at a double entendre. No lady could be so alderman, only by observing, that if we take a far- very silly as to live single, if she could help it. I thing from a thousand pounds, it will be a thou- consider an unmarried lady, declining into the vale sand pounds no longer. I have been invited to a of years, as one of those charming countries borpawnbroker's table, by pretending to hate gravy; dering on China, that lies waste for want of proper and am now actually upon treaty of marriage with inhabitants. We are not to accuse the country, a rich widow, for only having observed that the but the ignorance of its neighbours, who are insenbread was rising. If ever I am asked a question, sible of its beauties, though at liberty to enter and whether I know it or not, instead of answering, 1 cultivate the soil. only smile and look wise. If a charity is proposed, I go about with the hat, but put nothing in myself. very little acquainted with the English ladies, to "Indeed, sir," replied my companion, "you are If a wretch solicits my pity, I observe that the think they are old maids against their will. I dare world is filled with impostors, and take a certain venture to affirm, that you can hardly select one method of not being deceived, by never relieving. of them all, but has had frequent offers of marIn short, I now find the truest way of finding es-riage, which either pride or avarice has not made teem, even from the indigent, is to give away no- her reject. Instead of thinking it a disgrace, they thing, and thus have much in our power to give." take every occasion to boast of their former cruel

LETTER XVIII.

To the Same.

ty: a soldier does not exult more when he counts over the wounds he has received, than a female veteran when she relates the wounds she has formerly given: exhaustless when she begins a narrative of the former death-dealing power of her eyes. She tells of the knight in gold lace, who died LATELY, in company with my friend in black, with a single frown, and never rose again till-he whose conversation is now both my amusement was married to his maid; of the 'squire, who, being and instruction, I could not avoid observing the cruelly denied, in a rage flew to the window, and great numbers of old bachelors and maiden ladies lifting up the sash, threw himself in an agony— with which this city seems to be overrun.. Sure, into his arm chair; of the parson, who, crossed in marriage, said 1, is not sufficiently encouraged, or love, resolutely swallowed opium, which banished we should never behold such crowds of battered the stings of despised love-by making him sleep. beaux, and decayed coquettes, still attempting to In short, she talks over her former losses with

tune.

LETTER XXIX.

From the Same.

pleasure, and, like some tradesmen, finds consola-| tion in the many bankruptcies she has suffered. "For this reason, whenever I see a superannuated beauty still unmarried, I tacitly accuse her| either of pride, avarice, coquetry, or affectation. WERE We to estimate the learning of the English There's Miss Jenny Tinderbox, I once remember by the number of books that are every day pubher to have had some beauty, and a moderate for- lished among them, perhaps no country, not even Her elder sister happened to marry a man China itself, could equal them in this particular. of quality, and this seemed as a statute of virginity I have reckoned not less than twenty-three new against poor Jane. Because there was one lucky books published in one day; which, upon compuhit in the family, she was resolved not to disgrace tation, makes eight thousand three hundred and it by introducing a tradesman. By thus rejecting ninety-five in one year. Most of these are not her equals, and neglected or despised by her su- confined to one single science, but embrace the periors, she now acts in the capacity of tutoress to whole circle. History, politics, poetry, matheher sister's children, and undergoes the drudgery matics, metaphysics, and the philosophy of nature, of three servants, without receiving the wages of

one.

are all comprised in a manual not larger than that in which our children are taught the letters. "Miss Squeeze was a pawnbroker's daughter; If then we suppose the learned of England to read her father had early taught her that money was a but an eighth part of the works which daily come very good thing, and left her a moderate fortune at from the press (and surely none can pretend to his death. She was so perfectly sensible of the learning upon less easy terms), at this rate every value of what she had got, that she was resolved scholar will read a thousand books in one year. never to part with a farthing without an equality From such a calculation, you may conjecture what on the part of the suitor: she thus refused several an amazing fund of literature a man must be posoffers made her by people who wanted to better sessed of, who thus reads three new books every themselves, as the saying is; and grew old and ill-day, not one of which but contains all the good natured, without ever considering that she should things that ever were said or written. have made an abatement in her pretensions, from

And yet I know not how it happens, but the her face being pale, and marked with the small- English are not in reality so learned as would seem from this calculation. We meet but few who know pox. "Lady Betty Tempest, on the contrary, had all arts and sciences to perfection; whether it is beauty, with fortune and family. But fond of that the generality are incapable of such extensive conquests, she passed from triumph to triumph; knowledge, or that the authors of those books are she had read plays and romances, and there had not adequate instructors. In China, the emperor learned, that a plain man of common sense was no himself takes cognizance of all the doctors in the better than a fool; such she refused, and sighed kingdom who profess authorship. In England, only for the gay, giddy, inconstant, and thought- every man may be an author that can write; for less after she had thus rejected hundreds who they have by law a liberty not only of saying what liked her, and sighed for hundreds who despised they please, but of being also as dull as they please. her, she found herself insensibly deserted; at present she is company only for her aunts and cousins, and sometimes makes one in a country dance, with only one of the chairs for a partner, casts off round a joint-tool, and sets to a corner cupboard. In a word, she is treated with civil contempt from every quarter, and placed, like a piece of oldfashioned lumber, merely to fill up a corner.

Yesterday, I testified my surprise to the man in black, where writers could be found in sufficient number to throw off the books I daily saw crowding from the press. I at first imagined that their learned seminaries might take this method of instructing the world. But, to obviate this objection, my companion assured me, that the doctors of colleges never wrote, and that some of them had "But Sophronia, the sagacious Sophronia, how actually forgot their reading; but if you desire, shall I mention her? She was taught to love continued he, to see a collection of authors, I fancy Greek, and hate the men from her very infancy: I can introduce you this evening to a club, which she has rejected fine gentlemen because they were assembles every Saturday at seven, at the sign of not pedants, and pedants because they were not the broom, near Islington, to talk over the business fine gentlemen: her exquisite sensibility has taught of the last, and the entertainment of the week her to discover every fault in every lover, and her ensuing. I accepted his invitation; we walked inflexible justice has prevented her pardoning together, and entered the house some time before them; thus she rejected several offers, till the the usual hour for the company assembling. wrinkles of age had overtaken her; and now, with- My friend took this opportunity of letting me out one good feature in her face, she talks inces-into the characters of the principal members of the santly of the beauties of the mind." Farewell. club, not even the host excepted; who, it seems,

was once an author himself, but preferred by a dispositions. Happy it were for mankind if all bookseller to this situation as a reward for his for- travellers would thus, instead of characterizing a mer services. people in general terms, lead us into a detail of The first person, said he, of our society, is those minute circumstances which first influenced Doctor Nonentity, a metaphysician. Most people their opinion. The genius of a country should be think him a profound scholar; but as he seldom investigated with a kind of experimental inquiry: by speaks, I can not be positive in that particular: he this means, we should have more precise and just generally spreads himself before the fire, sucks his notions of foreign nations, and detect travellers pipe, talks little, drinks much, and is reckoned very themselves when they happened to form wrong good company. I'm told he writes indexes to per-conclusions.

fection, he makes essays on the origin of evil, phi- My friend and I repeated our visit to the club of losophical inquiries upon any subject, and draws authors; where, upon our entrance, we found the up an answer to any book upon twenty-four hours' members all assembled, and engaged in a loud warning. You may distinguish him from the rest debate. of the company by his long gray wig, and the blue handkerchief round his neck.

The poet, in shabby finery, holding a manuscript in his hand, was earnestly endeavouring to persuade The next to him in merit and esteem is Tim the company to hear him read the first book of an Syllabub, a droll creature; he sometimes shines as heroic poem, which he had composed the day a star of the first magnitude among the choice before. But against this all the members very spirits of the age: he is reckoned equally excellent at a rebus, a riddle, a bawdy song, and a hymn for the Tabernacle. You will know him by his shabby finery, his powdered wig, dirty shirt, and broken silk stockings.

warmly objected. They knew no reason why any member of the club should be indulged with a particular hearing, when many of them had published whole volumes which had never been looked in. They insisted, that the law should be observed After him succeeds Mr. Tibs, a very useful where reading in company was expressly noticed. hand; he writes receipts for the bite of a mad dog, It was in vain that the poet pleaded the peculiar and throws off an eastern tale to perfection: he merit of his piece; he spoke to an 'assembly inunderstands the business of an author as well as sensible to all his remonstrances: the book of laws any man, for no bookseller alive can cheat him. was opened, and read by the secretary, where it You may distinguish him by the peculiar clumsi- was expressly enacted, "That whatsoever poet, ness of his figure, and the coarseness of his coat : speech-maker, critic, or historian, should presume however, though it be coarse (as he frequently tells to engage the company by reading his own works, the company) he has paid for it. he was to lay down sixpence previous to opening Lawyer Squint is the politician of the society; the manuscript, and should be charged one shilling he makes speeches for Parliament, writes addresses an hour while he continued reading: the said to his fellow-subjects, and letters to noble com- shilling to be equally distributed among the commanders; he gives the history of every new play, pany as a recompense for their trouble." and finds seasonable thoughts upon every occasion. My companion was proceeding in his description when the host came running in with terror on his countenance to tell us, that the door was beset with bailiffs. If that be the case then, says my companion, we had as good be going; for I am positive we shall not see one of the company this night. Wherefore, disappointed, we were both obliged to return home, he to enjoy the oddities which compose his character alone, and I to write as usual to my friend the occurrences of the day. Adieu.

LETTER XXX

Our poet seemed at first to shrink at the penalty, hesitating for some time whether he should deposit the fine, or shut up the poem; but looking round, and perceiving two strangers in the room, his love of fame outweighed his prudence, and, laying down the sum by law established, he insisted on his prerogative.

A profound silence ensuing, he began by explaining his design. "Gentlemen," says he, "the present piece is not one of your common epic poems, which come from the press like paper-kites in summer: there are none of your Turnus's or Dido's in it; it is an heroical description of Nature. I only beg you'll endeavour to make your souls in unison with mine, and hear with the same enthusiasm with which I have written. The poem begins with By my last advices from Moscow, I find the the description of an author's bedchamber; the pic caravan has not yet departed for China: I still con- ture was sketched in my own apartment: for you tinue to write, expecting that you may receive a must know, gentlemen, that I am myself the hero." large number of my letters at once. In them you Then putting himself into the attitude of an orator, will find rather a minute detail of English pecu- with all the emphasis of voice and action, he proliarities, than a general picture of their manners or ceeded:

From the Same.