way of the answer, "Thrue for you, Sir Pathrick,"—it said as plain as iver a squaze said in the world,-" Thrue for you, Sir Pathrick, mavourneen, and it's a proper nate gintleman ye are - that's God's thruth!" And wid that she opened her two beautiful peepers, till I belaved they wud ha com'd out of her head althegither and intirely, and she looked first as mad as a cat at Mounseer Frog, and thin as smiling as all out o' doors at meself.

"Thin," says he, the willian, "Och hon! and a woolly-wou, pully-wou!" And thin wid that he shoved up his two shoulders, till the divil the bit of his head was to be diskivered, and thin he let down the two corners of his purraty-trap, and thin not the bit more of the satisfaction could I git out o' the spalpeen.

Belave me, my jewel, it was Sir Pathrick that was unreasonable mad thin, sure enough, and the more by token that he kept on wid his winking and blinking at the widdy; and the widdy she kept on wid the squazing of my flipper, as much as to say, "At him again, Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, mavourneen!" So I jist ripped out wid a big oath, and says I, sure enough,

"Ye little spalpeeny frog of a bog-throtting soon of a bloodynoun!"— and jist thin what d'ye think it was that her leddyship did? Troth she jumped up from the sofy as if she was bit, and made aff through the door, while I turned my head round afther her, in a complate bewilderment and botheration, and followed her wid me two peepers. You persave I had a rason of my own for the knowing that she couldn't git down the stairs althegither and intirely, for I knew very well that I had hould of her hand, for divil the bit had I iver let it go. And says I,

"Isn't it the laste little bit of a mistake in the world that ye 've been afther the making, yer leddyship? Come back now, that's a darlint, and I'll give ye yur flipper.' But aff she wint down the stairs like a shot, and then I turned round to the little French furrenner. Och hon! if it wasn't his spalpeeny little flipper that I had hould of in my own-why thin-thin it wasn't-that's all.

son.

Maybe it wasn't meself that jist died then outright wid the laffin, to behould the little chap when he found out that it wasn't the widdy at all that he had hould of, but only Sir Pathrick O'GrandiThe ould divil himself niver behild such a long face as he pet on! As for Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, Knight, it wasn't for the likes of his riverence to be afther the minding a thrifle of a mistake. Ye may jist say, though for it's God's thruth that afore I lift hould of the flipper of the spalpeen, (which was not till afther her leddyship's futmen had kicked us both down the stairs,) I gived it such a nate little broth of a squaze, as made it all up into raspberry jam.

"Wouly-wou," says he,-" pully-wou," says he,-"Cot tam!" And that's jist the thruth of the rason why he wears his lift hand in a sling.

SWEET Sympathy! thou healing balm of every woe-lacerated bosom!

Thou art as grateful as the gentle shower to the thirsty earth, parched and gaping beneath the burning rays of a blazing-sun-bringing soft solace in a crack!

Feeble is my pen, and weak my wit, in the attempt to do justice to thy catalogue of virtues; for thou art like-the dew of eve to the drooping lily; the wooden-leg to the cripple; the pellucid oil to the consuming wick; the pig-tail quid to the weather-beaten tar; the sunny rays to the juicy grape, or the indolent Italian; the glass of Booth's best to the weary washerwoman; the favouring breeze to the becalmed vessel; the blow of a battledore to the feathered shuttlecock;-the, &c. &c. &c.

Mr. Cornelius Crocodile was one of the most "picked" and perfect specimens of the lacrymose legion, whose ready tears are promptly distilled at the recital of another's woe; a sort of hydrocephalalembic; a human sponge, which the heavy hand of sorrow appeared delighted to squeeze, and never squeezed in vain.

The spider-spun cambric was displayed eternally in his convulsive grasp, and some ill-natured cynics had the temerity to assert that it concealed an onion within its delicate folds!

VOL. VIII.

E

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The only composition in which Mr. Crocodile indulged were wills and epitaphs; and he invariably appeared in decent mourning, for his connexions were so numerous that he had usually two or three funerals in hand during the year.

His ready sympathy naturally won the confidence of his acquaintance, and he was consequently nominated executor by most. Two undertakers contended for his patronage; and, it is said that there was a certain feeling-quite unallied to sympathy-arising out of these funeral transactions, perfectly well understood, although never expressed.

He, moreover, enjoyed quite a harvest of legacies and mourningrings; and his "pickings" were so abundant that, like the fabled gnome, he might be said to live upon the dead.

Envy nicknamed him the "universal executor."

Among the most intimate of his friends was a gentleman rejoicing in the name of Pugsley.

Peter Pugsley, Esquire, had in his youth served in India, in the civil department, at that happy period when gold-dust and diamonds were "shovelled up" (and the natives "shot ") like so much rubbish ; and when in seven or fourteen years any man possessed of a tolerable capacity, and a reasonable tenacity, was certain of accumulating a fortune, returning to England with a full purse and a disordered liver, and a jaundiced, wash-leather complexion, that seemed like the veritable reflection of their ill-gotten gold.

Pugsley married, or rather bought, an amiable woman, (for her worldly-minded father sacrificed his lamb at the shrine of Mammon,) who, having presented him with a son, departed this life.

Having subsequently engaged a young "person" as governess to his heir, she so humoured the tetchy Anglo-Indian, and rendered herself so indispensably necessary to his comfort by every sacrifice of her own; and, in fine, contrived to make herself so very agreeable (which Nature had not- for she was more cunning than comely,) that she ultimately wheedled the wheezy Mr. Pugsley into a marriage.

The" dear little Frederic" was, of course, soon found to be very troublesome, and quite above her control, and accordingly despatched to a school; and then it was poor Pugsley discovered his error; for Mrs. P. had played her cards so well, that her partner found too late she had the game entirely in her own hands. Little Frederic's governess became his!

No sooner had Frederic arrived at an age when it was thought necessary to choose for him some profession or pursuit, than Mrs. Pugsley, anxious to be rid of her step-son, very amiably condescended to take the management of this momentous affair into her own hands. And, pointing out to her obedient spouse the great advantages of his Eastern connexions, at once decided that nothing on earth could be better than to send him abroad, either in a civil or a military capacity.

Pugsley immediately exerted himself to carry his wife's notable project into execution; and his wealth, and consequent influence in Leadenhall Street rendered the imposed task so comparatively easy, that his indolence, and her importunity, for once going hand in hand, Master Frederic was soon equipped, and shipped for Calcutta.

The climate agreed admirably with his constitution, and the young cadet speedily obtained a lieutenancy.

It was about this period that Mr. Crocodile had the good fortune to become acquainted with the Pugsleys-an acquaintance which was speedily ripened into an intimacy by his sympathy with both members of the family.

He had tact and discrimination enough to discover that the " grey mare was the better horse," and paid his court accordingly, making himself so agreeable to the lady by his tittle-tattle, small-talk, and nimming-pimming attentions, that his absence was always felt. At the same time, however, he had the policy not to neglect the "old gentleman." He studied chess; and learned just enough to know how to be invariably beaten gracefully.

This was the best "move Mr. Crocodile ever made; there was always a "knife and fork at his service;" and, what was of more especial importance, this wealthy connexion made him appear in the opinion of the rest of the world as really "something."

The fact is, Mr. and Mrs. Pugsley, or rather Mrs. Pugsley and her husband, were, to the eyes of the multitude, like a pair of magnifying lenses, through which they looked at the extraordinary Mr. Crocodile. Lieutenant Frederic, as he rose (like a man going up-hill) naturally extended his views; his mind became enlarged, and his expenses increased.

His allowance was, as most allowances are to young officers, insufficient; and, like many other youths in a similar situation, he ventured to draw a little bill at "six months after sight," with a letter of advice, upon his affectionate parent, who paid the bill, but "advised him by the next vessel not to do so any more; for his better half read him such a lecture on the "boy's" shameful extravagance that poor Pugsley was in bodily fear; and concluding her lecture with a scientific kick and scream, had sent all his better resolutions to the ground, and so shook his nerves that he was not himself again for a whole week.

A considerable portion of Pugsley's property was vested in the hands of a first-rate firm in Calcutta, which said firm was not quite so firm as he expected, and suddenly failed to pay, promising to pay but a trifling dividend. Mrs. P. who was really a woman of business, and always had an eye to the main chance, induced him by her arguments, to which his own experience made him yield, to make a voyage, and settle his affairs with the "house" in his own proper person.

Mr. Crocodile being consulted, and ascertaining that they were both for once unanimous on the point, profoundly discussed the propriety of such a proceeding; at the same time hinting in a delicate way, that as life was uncertain, it would, he thought, with due submission, be advisable that Pugsley should settle his affairs before his departure. And Pugsley, urged by his loving spouse, did incontinently make his will, publishing and declaring the same in due form, as prescribed by the act, &c. bequeathing to his dear wife the whole of his real and personal estate, subject only to the payment of a legacy of five hundred pounds to his sole executor, (Mr. Crocodile, of course,) and a life annuity of three hundred pounds to his extravagant son.

In a few days he departed from England; and in twelvemonths afterwards Mrs. Pugsley received the mournful intelligence that he

had departed this life, after a most satisfactory arrangement of his accounts with the parties abroad.

Ready as a parish-engine on the first alarm of a fire, Mr. Crocodile was seen knocking at the door of the bereaved widow, with his everready tear-absorbing cambric in his hand.

Shutters were closed, and blinds drawn down, that the eye of curiosity might not catch a glimpse at the secret sorrow that was preying upon the troubled widow.

As Mr. Crocodile stepped lightly in the hall, and whispered to the footman, a fashionable milliner issued from the drawing-room, where she had already been receiving the instructions of poor Mrs. Pugsley for the "deepest mourning," and taken her measures accordingly. "Poor lady!" cried the sympathizing milliner, "I never seed sich grief as she possesses, poor dear!"

Luckily such exhibitions are rare!

Mr. Crocodile sent in his card, and was instantly admitted.

"My dear Mrs. Pugsley!" murmured Crocodile, approaching the mourner, who was extended in an elegant dishabille upon the sofa. "O! my friend!" cried she, grasping his hand convulsively, "we have lost him!-he is gone!!--he is dead!!!"

Crocodile's tears flowed apace. The widow sighed and sobbed, and sobbed and sighed, until she gradually worked herself up to the point hysterical, winding up with a sudden shriek that frightened the whole household from its propriety. Muscles and nerves became alike uncontrollable, and Mrs. P. kicked like a "subject" under the influence of a galvanic battery,-and-with about as much real feeling.

Mr. Crocodile comprehended the case exactly, and administered his condolatory common-places (pro re natấ) with all the skill of an old practitioner.

The widow placed herself entirely in the hands of the able and experienced executor, and, as there was no funeral, the affairs were presently in train.

The old Anglo-Indian "cut up" exceedingly "handsome," as the phrase is, and the result proved infinitely soothing to the afflicted Mrs. Pugsley.

Mr. Crocodile, too, was so obliging,-so attentive, so everything a lone woman could desire, that a fortnight after the sad intelligence was received she permitted her kind friend and adviser to lead her to the altar. Yes,

"the funeral baked meats

Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables,"—

and, like most guests at a feast, the amiable Mr. Crocodile no sooner found himself so happily " placed," than he began to "show his teeth," and take upon him the stern prerogatives of a husband. Mrs. Pugsley's kind and sympathising friend became in every sense her lord and

master.

And the "happy, happy, happy pair" were one evening, soon after the hard knot was tied, engaged in a discussion, which assumed a very different tone from the pretty, half-endearing, half-tantalizing one arising from those amiable outbreaks designated lovers' quarrels, when lo! Lieutenant Frederic was announced, and abruptly entered the apartment upon the heels of the servant.

"What is the meaning of this intrusion?" exclaimed the important