I fhall present her to your confideration and favour. I am, Gentlemen, • Your most obliged • humble fervant, The Spectator. P. S. I defire to know whether you admit people of • quality.' • Mr. Spectator, April 17. TO fhew you there are among us of the vain weak fex, fome that have honefty and fortitude enough to dare to be ugly, and willing to be thought fo, I apply myfelf to you, to beg your intereft and recommendation to the Ugly Club. If my own word will not be taken, though in this cafe a woman's may, I can bring ⚫credible witnefs of my qualifications for their company, whether they infift upon hair, forehead, eyes, cheeks, " or chin; to which I must add, that I find it easier to lean to my left fide than my right. I hope I am in all refpects agreeable; and for humour and mirth, I'll keep up to the prefident himself. All the favour I'll pretend to is, that as I am the first woman that has appeared defirous of good company and agreeable converfation, I may take and keep the upper end of the table: and indeed I think they want a carver, which I can be after as ugly a manner as they can wifh. I defire your thoughts of my claim as foon as you can. Add to my features the length of my face, which is full half-yard; though I never knew the reafon of it till you gave one for the fhortnefs of yours. If I knew a name ugly enough to belong to the above-defcribed face, I would feign one; but, to my unspeakable misfortune, my name is the only disagreeable prettinefs about me; fo pr'ythee make one for me that fignifies all the de forinity in the world. You understand Latin; but be ⚫ fure S fure bring it in with my being, in the fincerity of my heart,' Your most frightful admirer, ⚫ and fervant, 'HECATISSA. Mr. Spectator, I Read your difcourfe upon affectation, and from the remarks made in it examined my own heart fo ftrictly, that I thought I had found out its most secret " avenues, with a refolution to be aware of you for the future. But alas! to my forrow, I now understand that I have feveral follies which I do not know the root of. I am an old fellow, and extremely troubled with the gout: but having always a ftrong vanity towards being pleafing in the eyes of women, I never have a moment's ease, but I am mounted in high-heel'd fhoes with a glazed wax-leather inftep. Two days after a fevere fit I was invited to a friend's house in the city, where I believed I fhould fee ladies; and with my ufual complaifance crippled myself to wait upon them. A very fumptuous table, agreeable company, and kind reception, were but fo many importunate additions to the torment I was in. A gentleman of the family obferved my condition; and, foon after the queen's health, he, in the prefence of the whole company, with his own hands, degraded me into an old pair of his own fhoes. This operation, before fine ladies, to me, who am by nature a coxcomb, was fuffered with the fame reluctance as they admit the help of men in their greatest extremity. The return of cafe made me forgive the rough obligation laid upon me, which at that time relieved my body from a diftemper, and will my mind for ever from folly. For the charity received, I return my thanks this way. a Your moft humble fervant." • Sir, Epping, April 18. WE have your papers here the morning they come out, and we have been very well entertained with your laft, upon the falfe ornaments of perfons who reprefent heroes in a tragedy. What made your fpeculation come very feasonably among us is, that we have now at this place a company of ftrollers, who are very far from offending in the impertinent fplendour of the drama. They are fo far from falling into thefe falfe gallantries, that the ftage is here in its original fituation of a cart. Alexander the Great was acted by a fellow in a paper cravat. The next day, the Earl of Effex feemed to have no diftrefs but his poverty; and my Lord Foppington the fame morning wanted any better means to fhew himfelf a fop than by wearing ftockings of different colours. In a word, though 6 they have had a full barn for many days together, our itinerants are still fo wretchedly poor, that, with· out you can prevail to fend us the furniture you forbid at the play-houfe, the heroes appear only like sturdy beggars, and the heroines gipfies. We have had but one part which was performed and dreffed with propriety, and that was Juftice Clodpate. This was fo well done, that it offended Mr. Juftice Overdo, who, in the midft of our whole audience, was, like Quixote in the puppet-show, so highly provoked, that he told them, if they would move compaffion, it should be in their own perfons, and not in the characters of diftreffed princes and potentates; he toid them, if they were fo good at finding the way to people's hearts, · they fhould do it at the end of bridges or churchporches, in their proper vocation of beggars. This, the Juftice fays, they muft expect, fince they could not be contented to act heathen warriors, and fuch fellows as Alexander, but muft prefume to make a mockery of " one of the Quorum. Your Servant.' R. No. XLIX. THURSDAY, APRIL 26. - Hominem pagina nostra sapit. Men and their manners I describe. MART. is very natural for a man who is not turned for mirthful meetings of men, or affemblies of the fair fex, to delight in that fort of converfation which we find in coffee-houtes. Here a man of my temper is in his element; for if he cannot talk he can ftill be more agreeable to his company, as well as pleafed in himfelf, in being only a hearer. It is a fecret known but to few, yet of no fmall ufe in the condu&t of life, that when you fall into a man's converfation, the first thing you should confider is, whether he has a greater inclination to hear you, or that you should hear him. The latter is the more general defire, and I know very able flatterers that never speak a word in praise of the perfons from whom they obtain daily favours, but ftill practise a skilful attention to whatever is uttered by thofe with whom they converfe. We are very curious to obferve the behaviour of great men and their clients; but the fame paffions and interests move men in lower spheres; and I, that have nothing elfe to do but to make observations, fee in every parith, street, lane, and alley, of this populous city, a little potentate that has his court and his flatterers, who lay fnares for his affection and favour by the fame arts that are practifed upon men in higher ftations. In the place I moft ufually frequent, men differ rather in the time of day in which they make a figure, than in any real greatnefs above one another. I, who am at the coffee-house at fix in the morning, know that my friend Beaver the haberdasher, has a levee of more undiffembled friends and admirers than most of the courtiers or generals of Great Britain. Every man about him has, perhaps, a newspaper in his hand; but none can pretend to guess what ftep will be taken in any one court court of Europe till Mr. Beaver has thrown down his pipe, and declares what meafures the allies must enter into upon this new pofture of affairs. Our coffee-houfe is near one of the inns of court, and Beaver has the audience and admiration of his neighbours from fix till within a quarter of eight, at which time he is interrupted by the ftudents of the houfe; fome of whom are ready-drefs'd for Weftminster at eight in the morning, with faces as bufy as if they were retained in every cause there; and others come in their night-gowns to faunter away their time, as if they never defigned to go thither. I do not know that I meet, in any of my walks, objects which move both my fpleen and laughter fo effectually as those young fellows at the Grecian, Squire's, Searl's, and all other coffee-houfes adjacent to the law, who rife early for no other purpose but to publifh their lazinefs. One would think thefe young virtuofos take a gay cap and flippers, with a fcarf and party-coloured gown, to be enfigns of dignity; for the vain things approach each other with an air, which fhews they regard one another for their vestments. I have obferved that the fuperiority among thefe proceeds from an opinion of gallantry and fafhion: the gentleman in the ftrawberry fafh, who prefides fo much over the reft, has, it feems, fubfcribed to every opera this laft winter, and is fuppofed to receive favours from one of the actreffes. When the day grows too busy for thefe gentlemen to enjoy any longer the pleafures of their difhabillé with any manner of confidence, they give place to men whọ have business or good fenfe in their faces, and come to the coffee-houfe either to tranfact affairs or enjoy converfation. The perfons to whofe behaviour and difcourfe I have moft regard are fuch as are between thefe two forts of men; fuch as have not fpirits too active to be happy and well pleafed in a private condition, nor complexions too warm to make them neglect the duties and relations of life. Of this fort of men confift the worthier part of mankind; of thefe are all good fathers, generous brothers, fincere friends, and faithful fubjects. Their entertainments are derived rather from reafon than imagin $ 3 ation; |