Never, so much as in a thought unborn,
Did I offend your highness.

Duke F. Thus do all traitors:

If their purgation did consist in words,
They are as innocent as grace itself.—
Let it suffice thee, that I trust thee not.

Ros. Yet your mistrust cannot make me a traitor:

Tell me whereon the likelihood depends.

Duke F. Thou art thy father's daughter, there's enough.
Ros. So was I, when your highness took his dukedom;
So was I, when your highness banish'd him:
Treason is not inherited, my lord;

Or, if we did derive it from our friends,
What's that to me? my father was no traitor:
Then, good my liege, mistake me not so much,
To think my poverty is treacherous.

Cel. Dear sovereign, hear me speak.

Duke F. Ay, Celia, we stay'd her for your sake,
Else had she with her father ranged along.

Cel. I did not then entreat to have her stay,
It was your pleasure and your own remorse ;
I was too young that time to value her,
But now I know her: if she be a traitor,
Why, so am I; we still have slept together,
Rose at an instant, learn'd, play'd, eat together;
And wheresoe'er we went, like Juno's swans,

Still we went coupled, and inseparable.

Duke F. She is too subtle for thee; and her smoothness, Her very silence and her patience,

Speak to the people, and they pity her.

Thou art a fool: She robs thee of thy name:

And thou wilt shew more bright, and seem more virtuous, When she is gone: then open not thy lips;

Firm and irrevocable is my doom

Which I have pass'd upon her: she is banish'd.

Cel. Pronounce that sentence then on me, my liege;

I cannot live out of her company.

Duke F. You are a fool.-You, niece, provide yourself; If you out-stay the time, upon mine honour,

And in the greatness of my word, you die.

Cel. O my poor Rosalind! whither wilt thou go?
Wilt thou change fathers? I will give thee mine.
I charge thee, be not thou more grieved than I am.
Ros. I have more cause.

Cel. Thou hast not, cousin ;

Pry'thee, be cheerful: know'st thou not, the duke
Hath banish'd me, his daughter?

Ros. That he hath not.

Cel. No hath not? Rosalind lacks then the love
Which teacheth thee, that thou and I am one:
Shall we be sunder'd? shall we part, sweet girl?
No; let my father seek another heir.

Therefore devise with me, how we may fly,
Whither to go, and what to bear with us:
And do not seek to take your change upon you,
To bear your griefs yourself, and leave me out ;
For, by this heaven, now at our sorrows pale,
Say what thou canst, I'll go along with thee.
Ros. Why, whither shall we go?

Cel. To seek my uncle.

Ros. Alas, what danger will it be to us,
Maids as we are, to travel forth so far?
Beauty provoketh thieves sooner than gold.
Cel. I'll put myself in poor and mean attire,
And with a kind of umber smirch my face;
The like do you; so shall we pass along,
And never stir assailants.

Ros. Were it not better,'

Because that I am more than common tall,
That I did suit me all points like a man?
A boar-spear in my hand; and (in my heart
Lie there what hidden woman's fear there will)
We'll have a swashing and a martial outside;
As many other mannish cowards have,

That do outface it with their semblances.

Cel. What shall I call thee, when thou art a inan? Ros. I'll have no worse a name than Jove's own page, And therefore look you call me, Ganymede.

But what will you be called?

Cel. Something that hath a reference to my state;

No longer Celia, but Aliena.

Ros. But, cousin, what if we assay'd to steal

The clownish fool out of your father's court?

Would he not be a comfort to our travel?

Cel. He'll go along o'er the wide world with me;
Leave me alone to woo him: Let's away,

And get our jewels and our wealth together;
Devise the fittest time, and safest way

To hide us from pursuit, that will be made
After my flight: Now go we in content

To liberty, and not to banishment.—Shakespeare.

GOODY GRIM VERSUS LAPSTONE.

MATTHEWS ("AT HOME.")

THIS trial happened in a certain town, which, for reasons, shall be nameless, and is as follows:-Goody Grim inhabited an almshouse, No. 2; Will Lapstone, a superannuated cobbler, lived in No. 3; and a certain Jew Pedlar, who happened to pass through the town where those almshouses were situated, could only think of number One. Goody Grim was in the act of killing one of her own proper pigs; but the animal, disliking the ceremony, burst from her hold-ran through the semi-circular legs of the aforesaid Jew,—knocked him in the mud, ran back to Will Lapstone's the cobbler, upset a quart bottle full of gin belonging to the said Lapstone, and took refuge in the cobbler's state bed.

The parties, being, of course, in the most opulent circumstances, consulted counsel learned in the law. The result was, that Goody Grim was determined to bring an action against Lapstone "for the loss of her pig with a curly tail;" and Lapstone to bring an action against Goody Grim for the loss of a quart bottle full of Hollands gin; and Mordecai to bring an action against them both for "de losh of a tee-totum dat fell out of his pocket in the rencounter." They all delivered their briefs to counsel, before it was considered they were all parties and no witnesses. But Goody Grim, like a wise old lady as she was, now changed her battery, determined to bring an action against Lapstone, and bind over Mordecai as an evidence.

The indictment set forth, "That he, Lapstone, not having the fear of the Assizes before his eyes, but being moved by pig, and instigated by pruinsence, did, on the first day of April, a day sacred in the annals of law, steal, pocket, hide, and crib, divers, that is to say, five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails; and did secrete the said five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails, in the said Lapstone's bed, against the peace of our Lady the Queen, her crown, and dignity."

Mordecai was examined by counsellor Puzzle. "Well, sir, what are you?"

"I sells old clo', and sealing-vax, and puckles."

"I did not ask you what you sold; I ask you what you are?"

"I am about five and forty."

"I did not ask your age; I ask

you what you are?"

"I am a Jew."

Why couldn't you tell me that at first? Well, then, sir, if you are a Jew, tell me what you know of this affair." "As I vas a valking along"

"Man--I didn't want to know where you were walking." Vel, vel, vel! As I vas a valking along"

66

"So, you will walk along in spite of all that can be said." "Plesh ma heart, you frighten me out of my vits-As I vas a valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming towards me and so, says I-Oh! Father Abraham, says I"

"Father Abraham, sir, is no evidence."

"You must let me tell my story my own vay, or I cannot tell it all. As I vas a valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming towards me-and so, says I-Oh, Father Abraham, says I, here comes de unclean animal towards me, and he runned between my legs, and upshet me in te mut."

Now, do you mean to say, upon your oath, that that little animal had the power to upset you in the mud." "I vill take my oash dat he upshet me in te mut." "And pray, sir, on what side did you fall?" "On te mutty side."

"I mean, on which of your own sides did you fall?" "I fell on my left side."

"Now, on your oath, was it your left side?"

"I vill take ma oash it vas my left side."

66

And, pray, what did you do when you fell down?"

"I got up again as fast as I could."

Perhaps you could tell me, whether the pig had a curly

tail?"

"I vill take my oash his tail vas so curly as my peard."

And, pray, where were you going when this happened?" "I vas going to de sign of de Goose and Gridiron."

Now, on your oath, what has a goose to do with a gridiron ?"

"I don't know, only it vas de sign of de house. And all more dat I know vas, dat I lose an ivory tee-totum out of ma pocket."

Oh, you lost a tee-totum, did you? I thought we should bring you to something at last. My Lord, I beg leave to take an exception to this man's evidence: he does not come into court with clean hands."

"How de mischief should I, when I have been polishing ma goods all morning?"

Now, my lord, your lordship is aware that the word tee

totum is derived from the Latin terms of te and tutum, which mean 'keep yourself safe.' And this man, but for my sagacity, observation, and so forth, would have kept himself safe; but now he has, as the learned Lord Verulam expresses it, 'let the cat out of the bag.""

"I vill take my oash I had no cat in ma bag."

"My lord, by his own confession he was about to vend a tee-totum."

"My lord, one of the witnesses has owned that the pig had a curly tail. Now, my lord, I presume if I prove the pig had a straight tail, I consider the objection must be fatal."

66

Certainly; order the pig into court."

Here the pig was produced; and, upon examination, it was found to have a straight tail, which finished the trial. The learned Judge, in summing up the evidence, addressed the jury:-"Gentlemen of the jury, it is wholly unnecessary to recapitulate the evidence; for the removal of this objection removes all ground of action. And, notwithstanding the ancient statute, which says, 'Serium pigum, et boreum pigum, et vendi curlum tailum,' there is an irrefragable proof, by ocular demonstration, that Goody Grim's grunter had a straight tail, and, therefore, the prisoner must be acquitted." This affair is thrown into Chancery, and it is expected it I will be settled about the end of the year 1970.-Smith.

A FAIR PRETENDER.

KATHLEEN, CHARLES, and SUSAN.

Kath. A LETTER frommy good guardian; and to inform me that, as I am to expect a visit from his nephew, he hopes I will appear to the best advantage; displaying, I suppose, all my graces, and none of my airs. [Reads.] "You have only to exert the fascinations you possess, to win his heart. "The woman he marries must be perfection." Perfection. I will try and win him; but it shall be without displaying one of the perfections which he has declared to be indispensable. He thinks to take me by surprise; but he shall not find me without a plot. [Calls.] usan, wheel that sofa this way. Unfold my shawl. Throw it over my feet. Now leave me.