exorcise. Say that I talk to a friend in the street, I discover myself fingering his chain, or fumbling over his shirt collar. Only last week I was ignominiously dismissed the house of a most valued clerical acquaintance through unconsciously pulling off the apron of the maid servant and tying it round myself, whilst making preliminary enquiries on the doorstep of the rectory. An event which occurred last Thursday week, crowned all my preceding misfortunes. You must know that on the previous evening I was present at one of the most fashionable concerts of the season. Enraptured with one of the divine airs from "Martha," I all at once discovered myself breathing on, polishing, looking through and unscrewing a pair of opera glasses, which somebody had placed in my immediate proximity. I was of course confused; and, looking round, I encountered the eyes of a young lady fixed on me as firmly as a bee on a sunflower. I was enraptured; for the moment entranced-spell-bound by her beauty. She was evidently the owner of the glasses; she tried to take them from me, but as she, naturally enough, extended her hand, I, with my habitual infirmity, no less naturally took her hand in mine ;-on my honour, I assure you the act was purely involuntary on my part. Her friends immediately remonstrated; I attempted to apologise, but in vain; redress or explanation was peremptorily refused; several misguided individuals in the gallery shouted "ORDER," some one in the front seats cried "SEND FOR THE POLICE ;" and, overwhelmed with confusion, I found myself being ignominiously carried out of the hall. Bent on an explanation, I hurried to the music-sellers where the tickets were procured and places booked. I gave them a description of the whole party, and ascertained that they came from the house of a Mrs. Scripp who resided in the neighbourhood. Scripp! the name was familiar; I remembered that a fourth cousin of that name on my mother's side who, (so I was once told), resided somewhere in India. On that Thursday afternoon I accordingly called at the house, asked for the mistress, sent in my card, and was ushered into the drawing-room. My first impression from the manner in which the servant answered my preliminary enquiry, was that I had been expected; this idea however was immediately dispelled, by the way in which the girl read my name on the card. I repeat, I was shewn into the drawing-room, and left alone. Whilst I ruminated on the most effectual method of introducing the painful nature of the business that brought me there, as my thoughts became more and more concentrated on what would probably be my reception, my unhappy failing obtruded itself with a force

that my sturdiest resolution could not withstand. Every article in the room came in its turn to be the object of my tampering proclivity. I will not allude to the fancy Oriental dusting brush, the feathers of which I plucked out so vehemently, and in proportion to the rapidity of my thoughts, that in less than two minutes, it was as bald as the head of a sucking pig; neither will I advert to a bottle of Eau de Cologne, with which in my melancholy excited unconsciousness, I saturated my pocket handkerchief and every chair and Anti-macassar in the immediate vicinity; I will not dwell upon the fact that of the plants in the adjoining conservatory, I plucked several stems perfectly bare; nor my feelings on being subsequently informed that I had decorated my button-hole with a Rhododendron. These extraordinary evidences of my incomprehensible malady are scarcely worthy of a thought, in comparison with the all but unutterable dilemma with which I was almost immediately to be overwhelmed. One object in the apartment was destined to inflict on me, in fifteen minutes, more anxiety, misery, and despair than in the existence of half a century I could attempt to adequately describe. My recreant fingers happened to stray upon-what? A NECKLACE A DIAMOND NECKLACE which was lying comfortably ensconced in an open velvet case on the table. On it my gaze became instantly rivetted. I took it in my hands; inspected it! "Diamonds! hers of course!" I muttered, alluding to the beautiful proprietress of the opera glass. "Diamonds! not half so brilliant as her eyes! A necklace too! Fancy! it has clasped her neck, her swan-like throat, so white, so majestic! Ah!" I continued as I contemplated it "what's my throat in comparison with hers; it would go about half way round that, I suppose." Instantly I was assailed, by my insane desire, my unconquerable weakness! why should'nt I try it on and see what a brute I looked, how much of the mere animal was man, compared with that most graceful female of all the feminine gender? I took the necklace up, put it at the back of my neck; was taking the exact measurement of that part of my anatomy in proportion to hers, when--the parlour door was suddenly opened, and-" My mistress will see you directly," said the servant girl entering. I started-"Oh goodness gracious! Horror of Horrors!"

THE NECKLACE SLIPPED DOWN MY BACK!!!

I desperately thrust one hand down my back, and the other up inside my coat-tails to stop its further progress; and, in this agonizing posture, found myself face to face with the astonished handmaid.

"What's the matter, sir?" gasped the girl.

"Matter! nothing," I answered, "I'm feeling for my gloves."

"Lor' bless us, sir!" rejoined the girl, "Do you keep your gloves there?"

I don't know what I answered, but I continued to dive further and further into the recesses of my back: I was just clutching the perambulating object of my search, when I raised my eyes, and encountered a demure looking genteel lady of some fifty-five summers, she was gazing through a pair of gold spectacles on me in my interesting posture, evidently with a species of bewildered fascination."

"Good morning, ma'am," I stammered, as I struggled into an erect posture; "Mrs. Scripp?"

She said nothing, but with an astonished matronly dignity motioned me to take a seat. Then there ensued an ominous pause. The necklace, by jerky stages, was steadfastly resolved on making its pilgrimage down my back; it was every moment sinking more hopelessly; as a last resource, to impede its progress, I spasmodically buttoned my coat, and clapped my hand to the centre of my back.

"You seem uneasy," frigidly observed the old lady.

"Yes, madam," I replied, confusedly, as I felt the necklace taking another leap; "that is, if I must tell you, I am suffering from-from-coRNS," I added, to clinch the explanation.

The old lady positively glared at me through her gold spectacles. I felt her do it--for I was burning all over to that extent with the sudden consciousness of the profound mystery and indignation into which my reply had plunged her, that not for worlds could I have summoned courage to look her in the face.

"With CORNS, sir?" she ejaculated. MIDDLE OF YOUR BACK?"

"What! IN THE

I think I heard myself trying to make some sound expressive of a laugh; but if I did, it was one of the most ghastly attempts that mortal ears were ever called on to endure. May I inquire the object of your visit? Mr. Mrs. Scripp.

" said

"Twiddle, ma'am, Teviotdale Twiddle." I felt those gold spectacles were piercing me again, and every moment was consigning the necklace further and further into unexplorable regions: if I could but get her out of the room, but for an instant, whilst I divested myself of my coat and vest, I should be satisfied; but such an idea was hopeless,-there she sat,

with an immovable dignity, and those gold spectacles, under which all my words, thoughts, acts, my very limbs themselves, all but my back, seemed PARALYZED. I expected every moment the gold spectacles would be removed from me, only to discover the empty case, and that the necklace was missing. "Mr. Twiddle,Teviotdale Twiddle," I found myself murmuring. "I am most respectably connected. I've four hundred a year and

"I'm not aware that it's necessary to present your credentials, Mr.”

"Twiddle, ma'am, Teviotdale Twiddle."

As I said this, I put my hand out, as if accidentally, on to the tenantless case and closed it, but, oh! unfortunately she saw the action. True, she had not discovered the necklace had been abstracted; but the very fact of my tampering with the case, when the loss should eventually be known, together with the circumstantial evidence of the necklace being found in my possession, would be sufficient to convict me. In imagination I was already sentenced to fourteen years' transportation at the very least. The crisis was approaching: how on earth could I now enter into any explanation about the opera-glass of the preceding evening; that very fact, when coupled with my present wretched and inextricable situation, would serve but to confirm suspicion, and brand me at once as one of the most fashionable and consummate burglars that the age had yet produced. Already I pictured myself making one in those forcible representations of convicts which are so unpleasantly attractive in the Penny Illustrated Police News, and fancy sketched me shorn of my auburn whiskers and golden locks, in canvas trousers, with a crimsom shirt, and a battered nose, leading a band of bushrangers to a nocturnal murderous pillage. Oh! if a trap door could but have been found to swallow me up in that drawing room! or if some professional prestidigateur could only have been induced to wave by his wand that fugitive necklace to its home again. My fate was all but sealed: I was conceiving how I should make the confession-the icy stare with which the extricated article would be received; how every striving on my part to elucidate the mystery would gradually contract in my utterance, and finally shrink before the interpretation those gold spectacles would put upon it, when there flashed upon me a happy thought-I remembered suddenly that I had distant relatives of the name of Scripps living somewhere in India. In an instant I had hazarded the experiment-unfortunately, it turned out-with the most disastrous results.

66

I beg your pardon," I stammered out, "but the fact is, I am nearly related to your family."

"To my family?" echoed the old lady.

"Yes! by the Indian branch,-the Scripps of-of-of Bombay," I said, ap-hazard.

The old lady rose, stared, retreated several paces, became instantly flushed; then beaming with excitement and delight,, she exclaimed, "YOU ARE HE THEN. I THOUGHT SO FROM THE FIRST!"

Advancing towards me, she took me by both hands, shook them violently, and finally fell upon my neck in a shower of tears and hysterical sobs.

"Goodness gracious, ma'am!" I exclaimed, struggling to release myself, for I felt sure my chair, having upon it now the additional weight of Mrs. Scripp, would every moment. give way. "Pray, compose yourself; what is the matter?" "After so many years of absence, too!" said the lady, "to think we should meet and be about to part like this. You, too; HER HUSBAND:" and down on my neck the old lady sank once more, and the chair gave again an ominous wriggle and a creak. I felt as if I were stricken motionless to the spot. What could I do? What had I done? She was evidently mistaking me for some one-who, I had not the slightest idea.

Why did you send us in a false name?" said the old lady, disentangling me from her embrace; "was it done to give us the greater surprise? Oh, you wicked Don Juan, you! but you want to see your wife, of course; so you shall see hershe has been expecting you all day." She advanced towards the bell-pull.

Bless my soul, did I dream! or was the old lady mad. My situation was every minute growing more and more alarming. I had never met with anything so awful.

"Ma'am," I began, imploringly. "Don't, pray don't,

Ma'am !"

"Ma'am! call me Mamma! for, though we have never met before, have we not been related for years! Mary said you would be here to-day. I didn't believe it, but"

"Don't, Ma'am-Mamma, I mean-excuse me ma'am, I'm not here at all—that is, HE isn't here at all-I ought to be somebody else; but I'm not, I'm not HE-So I'd rather not see SHE- -I am Teviotdale Twiddle-excuse me."

"What!" exclaimed the old lady, pausing.

"I can't express to you what I feel," I began-this was. literally the fact, for, with every movement, the diamonds were cutting into my back like a twenty-bladed knife-" I